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[kieraslifestory]

*flops over dejectedly* at least I get paid next Wednesday

[kieraslifestory]

Tonight is one of those nights that happen sometimes where for reasons unavoidable I am up way later than usual. I want to be treated kindly like a sleepy child. Someone give me my pajamas and tell me I do well when I brush my teeth and tuck me into bed and give me a little forehead kiss.

[kieraslifestory]

Dad has said he still fully intends to support our family financially, even though we’ve separated. I could seriously cry that is *such* a relief 😭😭😭

I’ve been planning and saving money for nearly Two Years now waiting on the separation and then whatever Dad decided about this, and now that I really properly don’t have to worry, I really might cry.

[kieraslifestory]

So I’ve woken up early today cause I’m getting a ride to work with someone that has a shift starting at 6:30.

And I’m pretty dissociated.

It’s an automatic thing, if I wake up too early.

But I was just wondering why. Is it cause I have less sleep? Cause I wake up out of too dead a sleep? But that wasn’t the case this morning. I went to bed real early last night in anticipation of this, and I was half awake a little before my alarm.

And then I wondered if it might be because of Dad. As a child, the only times I had to wake up super early was for trips that Dad wanted to start before dawn, or for going with him to get breakfast before he started work (a rare and wonderful experience). Cause he always wants kids in the car to be still and quiet and not need stops. So when I’m in a car I’m still and quiet and try to avoid drinking anything, unless I’m actively working against those habits. But my impulse on early mornings is still to just fade out and try to haze the time past.

And I think that’s why I always disliked Mom trying to show me cool houses on car trips xD cause to see them fast enough I would need to be very mentally present, and the jog to more present and the sink back down was very unpleasant.

[kieraslifestory]

I was talking with my sister on the way home and just… remembering some very not nice things.

There was a time when I was chased around the house by Dad with a stick.

Me and her would come up with ‘but you can’t spank me because’ stories as we fell asleep, and tell them to each other.

I had a friend named Rebecca, and me and her would, for hours, come up with stories together where our self-inserts got tortured.

I realized the other day when talking with someone that if they went to boop me in person I would think they were trying to hit me. And I don’t remember why.

My little brother sometimes has big tantrums, where he’ll scream and fling himself around, and it feels like I’m having a flashback with zero details, just that once I was the one flinging myself around and screaming, and I was terrified.

But most of the whys, the things that actually happened to cause these reactions, I don’t remember at all.

It’s scary.

I’m going to take a nap.

[kieraslifestory]

Dad’s being real mean today…

And it’s Mom’s birthday, which is miserable cause he’s especially being mean to her. I’m not sure what to do about it.

[kieraslifestory]

Unfortunately, this Saturday I am having a painful reminder of why I was so happy to have a job that was 8-5:30 and kept me away from home for all of those hours. >_<

It's like every time I try to be like 'oh yes, home on a break day, spend time around family :)' something bad happens because of one person being mean to another person.

I mean, Dad went and told Mom that she's the type of person that disgusts him. Because she answered a question he asked that was apparently meant to be rhetorical.

[kieraslifestory]

Talking about weight and diety things

So the diet I’m eating now is not intended for weight loss. It’s for health, with a side effect of possible weight loss. But then also one of the medicines I’m taking has a side effect that could be weight loss.

And I’m pleased to say that they’re taking effect! But NOT in a super fast and ‘oh dear this probably isn’t healthy’ way!

I’m really quite pleased with slow but consistent weight loss. Cause I’d like to be lower than I am. But more important to me is the health during the whole process, and that I get to have a healthy relationship with food and with my appearance all along the way.

But yes. About 10 pounds in three months seems very good to me.

[kieraslifestory]

Dad: I should go take my ivermectin

Me, internally: you’re still doing that?? 😖

[kieraslifestory]

Ok, ok, body, I get it, no more Chinese food. Yes, eating the leftovers every lunch this week was a bit much, I’ll stop now. No need to make me use the bathroom any more.

[kieraslifestory]

If I ever doubted I was neurodivergent, today cured that doubt.

I figured out that with all my computer testing, I’m Not figuring out 45 different things, I’m comparing each computer to a ‘Right’ computer, so I Don’t need to remember 45 things, I just need to know the Right pattern, and note what diverges. Then I write in the right pattern and the divergences, and it’s all good!

And then it’s the same thing over and over again, complicated and yet getting simple as I get it down pat. And certain things can be done so that I can note several accuracies or divergences with a single action.

I was finding myself stimming pretty much All day, more or less obviously, and angry stimming any time the internet or a slow computer made me stop moving xD

But in the end I did 68/36. Nearly Double. Cause I was running away so hard from boredom on one hand, and on the other hand my brain was humming with pleasure at the type of work.

I am Good at this.

[kieraslifestory]

I’m just Very Tired.

Which makes sense. I had a Long day and I took my falling-asleep-faster-and-deeper medicine an hour ago.

Two things to do before bed.

Prepare for work tomorrow. Take my winter clothes out of the attic boxes. (I can put them away later.)

I think I have some leftovers I can have for lunch tomorrow. And I’ll make breakfast then. But I should make some tea tonight.

[kieraslifestory]

Two things to do before bed.

Prepare for work tomorrow. Take my winter clothes out of the attic boxes. (I can put them away later.)

I think I have some leftovers I can have for lunch tomorrow. And I’ll make breakfast then. But I should make some tea tonight.

[kieraslifestory]

Three stressful things to do today:

I had to get a refill for my prescription, and I haven’t done that before, I didn’t know if I needed to call my doctor, or what. But I did it!

I talked with my boss about taking time off, and it was complicated and with little notice. But he said yes, which I’m very glad for.

I asked someone if they’d watch January for a few days.

For several complicated and scary reasons we need to be out of the house, and the town, this coming weekend.

Much more enjoyable, I got some new yarn to start working on another knitting project, and I need to get in contact with Grandpa cause he might know how to make it be cheaper to send my finished project to my friend. 💜

[kieraslifestory]

Probably the single most unpleasant way of being woken up is by being peed on.

My little sister came into my bed at some point last night, which I’m ok with, she can have nightmares and I’m happy to help her feel more safe. But she does on occasion wet the bed. Her bed is full of easily washable stuff for that reason. Mine has things that can’t be washed at all and things that are very difficult to was. Which I now have to try to clean today.

I got to sleep in by about half an hour though, which was nice at first xD

I’ve showered and stripped the bed, but I have to wait till parent wake up so I can use the washer in their bathroom. (I don’t trust the downstairs one with my stuff, it does weird things sometimes)

[kieraslifestory]

Parents are arguing…

Dad’s being really mean.

[kieraslifestory]

My male coworker: How, in 2021, are they still called manholes?

Female coworker: Huh?

Male coworker: Yeah, like have you ever heard of a woman hole??

…Utter silence…

Male coworker: yeah… I take that back xD