killjenn

[killjenn]

I texted you today, it took everything out of me but it was somewhat comforting.

You didn’t reply. I’m not sure if you ever would, knowing how avoidant you are.

I miss talking to you. I keep jumping between whether or not we can be friends. You were the one true neutral on my life so for the tables to turn and you have be the biggest detriment in my life is so are to fathom.

I don’t know anymore.

[killjenn]

I miss you but I don’t think we could be friends after this.

This whole thing and everything that happened has ruined me so bad, I try to understand you but you kept pushing me away and I don’t understand why we were together in the first place.

I took you off my socials, not because I hate you, but I’m trying to move on. I haven’t been doing okay, and all I want is to see you but I know that isn’t right. (Not that you would even want to see me)

I don’t expect you to reply to this, or to me ever again, I just had to say something.

[killjenn]

I’m using this as a diary, maybe a letter to you.

I hope to god nobody finds this because I have too many people that care about me.

My world has been falling apart since you left. It’s like the world is punishing me for existing, I don’t know how much more of it I can take. I think the only reason I’m still here is I worked too hard to be where I’m at, and people I care about.

I essentially got what I wanted, I work my dream job, I have an apartment to myself, but I’ve never been lonelier.

I’m not a strong person. I’ve gone through a lot, but it doesn’t mean I could handle any of that. Countless nights of not sleeping, laying awake with horrible thoughts all night was never worth it.

I miss when we first met. It felt like new beginnings. I was vulnerable and naive, and I had just went through someone breaking my heart and I wanted the validation. I never connected with someone so quickly. I think that initial feeling was what kept me around for so long.

Things are different now. We dated, we LIVED together. You’ve seen me at my worst and I’ve now seen you at yours.

I still feel a bit empty when I see your icon pop up in my notifications. I had to take you off my social media. It took everything out of me but I knew I had to.

Deep in my heart I knew it wasn’t going to work out. You were so fragile, I was too afraid to ask for more, even though I was suffering. All I wanted was reassurance.

You wrote me a letter for my birthday. I read it every time I needed that validation, because asking for it in person felt too selfish.

I lost sleep over you and things I’ve seen, things I’ve found. I never confronted you because I wanted to believe you changed for me.

You made me feel special. I felt like a girlfriend from the movies, I always felt like we didn’t look like a couple, and I always had insecurities that your exes didn’t look like me.

Finding other girls in your messages that didn’t look like me, that were the opposite of me. Their names are burned into my head.

I don’t think I can be friends with you. It would’ve been different if we never dated. We could’ve kept going back to each other, like a dessert that never expired.

I can’t imagine a life with you where you are or aren’t my partner, I’m so confused.

You keep saying I didn’t do anything wrong, how I was so “great” and “amazing”, then why do I feel so insecure?

I waited 20 minutes outside after we broke up. You didn’t chase after me.

I waited 2 years for you to be ready.

I feel a deep pit in my chest where I held a space for you. I can’t go outside and enjoy myself. I see you in everything I look at.

I don’t feel comfortable in my own space. All I see are visions of us eating on the floor when I had no furniture, you helping me set up my wifi, sleepovers in my bed.

I got sick recently. I’ve never been sick without someone else in the house before. I always had a parent, or a brother, at least a roommate to take care of me.

All I could think about was you. How so badly I wanted you to help me. I didn’t reach out because I knew it was wrong, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure if you would come.

Instead I called regan, I sobbed over the phone in pain until I passed out.

So now I’m here, too sick to write in a journal. At least I can do this in the dark.

[killjenn]

I spent way too long trying to figure out this app again