kilosch

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 03/04/2025

Slow Day – Wrapping Up at IHOP Woke up in the morning, got up, and finally drank the stuff my little sister gave me last night since I was too tired to take it then. No coffee last night—just didn’t want the caffeine messing with my sleep. I started my day by catching up on work, going through referrals for IHOP, emails, and team chats.

The workload felt slower than usual, which I guess makes sense. My responsibilities as an EMT are fading out, shifting to the CHWs, and things feel less hectic. No emergency requests, no last-minute rushes—just monotony. It’s a weird feeling.

While working, I was also communicating back and forth with my future Police Department regarding academy details. Everything is moving forward, but it’s hitting me how much things are about to change.

Thinking About a Trip to the Philippines

With nothing major happening at work, I started looking into flights to the Philippines. I was surprised at how cheap round-trip tickets were—around $1,000. The idea of visiting before the academy starts has been on my mind, but I wasn’t sure if it was worth it or not.

I texted Nate, who’s currently in Vietnam, to see if he’d be down to go with me. He’s thinking about it, which could make the trip even better.

Later, I mentioned the idea to my mom, and she was skeptical about it. She questioned why I’d take a vacation before the academy, saying I should be focusing on training instead. She’s not entirely against it, but she didn’t seem thrilled either. She did say she’d respect my decision, so it’s still on the table.

Resignation Letter – Finalizing My Last Day

I finalized my resignation letter today. It felt personal and emotional, considering I’ve spent over a year at IHOP and built strong connections with my coworkers. I’ve had solid leadership here, and it’s honestly a bit surreal that I’m leaving.

While drafting it, I realized that my original last day was set for March 31st, but that’s Cesar Chavez Day (a holiday). So, I rewrote it—now, my official last day is March 28th.

It hit me that I will miss this job, the camaraderie, and the connections I’ve made. If this job paid more, I could have stayed another five years, but let’s be real—a Police Officer salary is way better, and I need something that allows me to live comfortably, especially in California.

Conversations with Coworkers – Opening Up to Kaci

While working, I ended up having a random deep conversation with Kaci (the RN). Not sure how it happened, but I found myself opening up about my past—which is unusual for me at work. She seemed genuinely interested, which was nice, but the convo felt a little too personal for my comfort.

To switch gears, I tried shifting the conversation to food, joking that I’d rather stay in the U.S. because we have Chick-fil-A. Apparently, she doesn’t like Chick-fil-A—which already made me side-eye her choices—but what really threw me off was when she said she’d rather have a McChicken from McDonald’s. At that point, I nearly crashed out of disbelief.

She knows I’m leaving soon, but it still felt weird realizing how short my time at IHOP is now.

No Gym, No Motivation – Fighting Off Procrastination

I was supposed to work out today, but my brain told me not to. Probably depression creeping in, because I kept procrastinating, even though I knew I should be training for the academy.

My mind and body are in a weird disconnect—I know I need to stay in shape, but the mental exhaustion is making me put it off. I need to snap out of it soon, or I’m gonna regret it once the academy starts.

Gaming – Failing at Battlecruiser Rush in Starcraft 2

Instead of working out, I ended up playing Starcraft 2 and trying out the Battlecruiser Rush tactic. A lot of people online claim they can pull it off in under five minutes, so I wanted to test it myself.

Turns out, I suck at it. No matter how hard I tried, I could only get it done by the 10-minute mark. I kept analyzing my mistakes—maybe I was over-saving minerals, or maybe I wasn’t managing gas properly—but after multiple failed attempts, I just gave up and called it a day.

The 5-minute Battlecruiser Rush feels impossible, and honestly, I don’t know how people do it.

Mental Health Check – Depression Lurking, but Managing It

The depression is still lingering, but I’ve been masking it well. There wasn’t anything major today to set me off, but I could feel it in the background.

I’m just moving forward at this point—resignation letter finalized, planning for the academy, and trying to keep my mind occupied.

Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’ll just keep pushing through.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 03/03/2025

Morning Routine – IHOP Meetings & The Meme Life Woke up as usual for IHOP’s morning meeting, mainly just to submit referrals that needed to be pushed through. Nothing new—same routine, different day.

Lately, I’ve been excessively using Pepe the Frog memes with my coworkers, and they just roll with it at this point. They know it’s my alter ego when I’m clowning around or when I know a shit show is about to unfold. My go-to reaction? The “side-eye” Pepe meme—peak passive-aggressive energy without saying a word.

Funny thing is, none of them have caught onto Pepe’s controversial history as a far-right meme, though that controversy has faded now. Glad I can use it freely without someone calling me a “White Supremacist” when I’m literally Asian.

DMH Frustrations & DHS Chill Vibes At 11 a.m., I had a meeting with Ruby (EMT) and Julia (Supervisor). I spent most of it just venting to Ruby about all the chaos happening in my life before getting back to the usual EMT tasks.

Then, like clockwork, this specific CHW from the DMH team started bombarding me with questions that she should already know the answers to. I get it—some people need clarification—but this is daily now. Half of her questions could’ve been answered if she just read the damn OneNote I sent her. I’ve reached the breaking point with this, so I reported it to my supervisor and hope it gets addressed soon. Every single day, it’s a shit show, and I’m just glad I’m leaving this program soon.

On the DHS side, things were way more chill. No unnecessary bullshitting, just people doing their jobs without drama. Most of my time was spent just clowning around with Kaci (RN) and Nessa (OT), sharing random shenanigans about our experiences with DMH staff.

One of the OTs, Brittany, asked if I was still going to the hockey game on the 13th. My answer? “Fuck no.”

First, it’s the same day as the in-person meeting—no way I’m skipping that.

Second, hockey tickets are expensive as hell, and I’m not about to drop that kind of money right now.

Unfortunately for her, she already bought the ticket while she was on vacation, so now she can’t cancel. I also told her my last day with IHOP is March 31st, and she hit me with a “loudly crying emoji.” I get it, though—I made an impact here, and now I’m moving on.

Clocking Out & Police Academy Prep I clocked out exactly at 4:30 p.m. because I didn’t want to deal with work anymore today. Shifted my focus back to prepping for the Police Academy and making sure I’m physically ready.

Also, remember that “friend” I distanced myself from? Well, she texted me today asking if I was busy. Honestly? I ignored it. Not worth the mental drain. If she wants something from me now, it’s too late.

Instead, I focused on getting some push-ups in and helped my little sister move some heavy stuff in her room. Role reversal, since she’s usually the one buying lunch today, she surprised us with it instead.

Chilling & Watching SAS: Rogue Heroes Decided to relax a bit and catch up on “SAS: Rogue Heroes” (BBC show). The historical aspect of Special Operations always grabs my attention, but one particular quote from Lt. Col Paddy Mayne (then a Major) stuck with me:

“And being an impulsive man, I cannot afford regrets.”

That line hit hard. It’s something I know I’ll experience for the rest of my life—from my time as an EMT, now stepping into law enforcement, and the danger that comes with it. That SAS mindset is on another level, and honestly, it resonates.

Dota 2 – The One True Coping Mechanism? To end the night, I finally played Dota 2 again and dominated. My 14/1/16 record made me the MVP, and it was a relief to win a game.

I was playing mid as Razor against a Pudge who had been playing since 2012 (I started in 2015), so I assumed I’d lose lane due to experience difference. But I ended up crushing him, controlling the game, and carrying the team to victory.

Winning felt great, but I also know how easily gaming can become an addiction. That’s why I just stopped after one match.

Mental Health Check – Still There, Still Fighting

I won’t lie—I’m still lowkey depressed, but I’m just shrugging it off at this point. Didn’t talk about it with anyone today, just kept moving forward.

Tomorrow’s another day, and I’ll keep pushing.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 03/02/2025

Back at It Again – Life Updates & A Huge Milestone Well, here I am, back at journaling again. Life has been up and down, but I told myself that I’d start writing again if things worked out with this Police Officer position and they did.

I officially passed my psych process, medical exam, and Physical Agility Test (PAT), and now, I have my Notice of Hire! I’ll be starting my career in Law Enforcement on April 14. I even got a letter from the Chief and the Department, which felt insanely surreal—the kind of moment where dopamine and serotonin just go through the roof.

Let me tell you something: the Psych Evaluation was the hardest part of this hiring process. After my first test was marked “Invalid”, I had to take the proctored version, and after that, I went through a one-on-one Psych Interview which was hilariously intimidating. They dug deep into my personal life, and it was brutal. Then came the PAT, which was absolute hell. I was gassed, starving, and barely made it through, but regardless, I passed.

A Shift in Perspective – Letting Go of Certain People

Lately, I’ve been feeling like it’s time to change not just career-wise but also in how I approach life and relationships. I’ve started to push people away to focus on my career, and while I feel guilty about ghosting certain people, some things just don’t sit right with me anymore.

There’s one specific person I’ve decided to distance myself from. I’ve been doing her homework for over a year, and at first, it felt like a fair exchange until it wasn’t. There was one time she hit me up last minute, pressuring me to do her work, right after I had just come back from an intense training. That was my first mental red flag.

I told her, “Don’t do this again last minute,” and I still did the work. But then, she did it again. This time, she gave me excuses, saying she was hospitalized but when I checked her location, she was at home. That hit me hard. Then, a few days later, I saw her posting pictures from a vacation in Mexico while I was over here, grinding for my future and doing her work. That was my final straw.

I realized this person had been taking advantage of me, and the trust was gone. So, I’ve cut ties and am focusing on myself. It’s mentally exhausting to even think about it, but I know I made the right decision.

Work Updates – The Final Days at IHOP

At work, I let my IHOP boss know that I’ve been hired and told a few of my closest coworkers. It’s a bittersweet feeling this job has been a huge part of my life, and I’ve genuinely enjoyed it. My last in-person staff meeting will be on March 13, which will probably be the last time I see everyone. If this job paid better, I’d honestly stay, but it’s time to move on.

Meanwhile, I’ve been experimenting with my feelings for someone I work with a DMH employee, not DHS. I’ve been flirting here and there, and she’s reciprocating, but I can’t tell if she’s genuinely interested or just being nice. I feel like if I don’t make a move before I leave, I’ll regret it. At the very least, it’ll be good to see her in person one last time before I head out.

Family Life – Tensions & Worries About My Siblings

On the family side of things, not everything is great. I’ve been noticing changes in my little sister—she seems withdrawn and struggling to cope with something. She broke up with her long-term boyfriend and already has a new one, which is a bit concerning, but at least he’s local this time.

My sister and I also had a serious talk about our little brother’s future. We’re worried about him, and it’s becoming clear that he’s not really able to take care of himself. We’re trying to figure out what’s next for him, but it’s been stressful.

At the same time, I’ve also noticed the growing tension between my sister and my mom. My sister has been wanting to move out, but my mom is completely against it. I keep advocating for my sister, telling my mom that she’s a grown adult and needs to make her own choices. But my mom still has that immigrant, controlling mindset and isn’t willing to let go. It’s frustrating to watch.

Mental Health Check – No Medication, But Holding On

I haven’t been taking any medication, and there are definitely moments where the depression sneaks in. The loneliness gets to me sometimes, especially when I think about not having a girlfriend or anyone special in my life.

But for now, I’m just keeping my head down, staying focused on the academy, and trying to keep moving forward.

[kilosch]

Recently

Life has a way of throwing you into battles you didn’t expect, and Alaska was no different for me. I’d been working as an EMT for the fire department, but my heart was in law enforcement—serving as a SWAT medic. The job pushed me to my limits, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

The hardest part wasn’t the cold or the long hours; it was the losses. Patients, teammates, victims—22 people gone under my care. Many of them were victims of the drug epidemic that tore through the villages, and some I knew personally. Families were destroyed, and communities were hollowed out. It left me angry, frustrated, and determined. I couldn’t sit by anymore.

One day, I got a call from a buddy in the police department. He told me about a multi-agency task force forming to take down a major organized crime leader responsible for the drug crisis. It wasn’t just a local effort—federal and state agencies were involved. He thought I’d be a good fit, especially with my background and knowledge of the terrain.

I told him I needed time to think. The operation was set for January 2025, giving me only a short window to decide. I spoke with my family and loved ones, and the reactions were mixed. Some wanted me to move on, to leave Alaska and its pain behind. But I couldn’t. This was my chance to do something—something meaningful.

I joined the task force and flew to Alaska, where training began immediately. For 2 days, we trained 16 hours a day. The team was a mix of operators: federal agents, Alaska State Troopers, tribal officers from BIA, and even local police. We drilled relentlessly, refining CQB (close-quarters battle) techniques, practicing breaching strategies, and memorizing the layout of the target compound.

The compound itself was a two-story ranch surrounded by dense snow-covered terrain. We had mock-ups of the house, and we ran scenario after scenario, simulating every possible complication. The cold was unforgiving, and exhaustion set in quickly, but none of us could afford to make mistakes.

Between training sessions, I worked on maintaining my rifle and gear. I made sure my lasers, optics, and breaching tools were all in perfect condition. I also spent time mentally preparing. Before the operation, I wrote a letter to my loved ones in Filipino, just in case I didn’t make it back. It was heavy, but necessary.

The operation began before dawn on Day 3 . We woke up at 1 AM and gathered for a traditional send-off ceremony led by Native Alaskan elders. They saged us, marked our faces with corn powder, and prayed for our safety. It was deeply emotional—a reminder of the lives lost and the justice we were seeking.

After the ceremony, we geared up. My team leader told us to double-check everything—rifles, comms, breaching tools—because there would be no room for error. We loaded into vans and headed to the airfield, where military Black Hawks were waiting for us. Seeing the helicopters was a surprise; they bore the emblem of the 160th SOAR, the “Night Stalkers.” Their presence hinted at the seriousness of this operation.

The flight into the wilderness was tense. We didn’t perform dramatic fast ropes or water jumps like special forces in movies, but the three helicopters landing in the middle of nowhere was enough to alert anyone nearby. We dispersed into the terrain quickly, hiking for hours under the cover of darkness. The Arctic environment was brutally cold, but we pressed on.

At around 3 AM, we reached the compound. Our intelligence team had confirmed the location of the target—a heavily armed and dangerous leader of an organized drug network. The ranch was massive, with security scattered across the property. The environment worked in our favor; the guards were spread too thin to notice our approach.

Our assault team moved in first. I was assigned to breaching, so I set up the charges on the main door while listening to the other team shout, “Police!” The explosion blew the door open, and we rushed in, clearing room after room. The entire house was secured in under two minutes.

We found the target hiding in a bathtub, armed with a modified Glock capable of automatic fire. For a moment, I just stared at him. I wanted to hit him, to let out all the anger I’d been holding onto, but I stayed professional. Other teams were still securing the perimeter, dealing with shootouts as guards tried to flee. Fortunately, none of our team was injured

After securing the main compound, the operation didn’t end. Intelligence gathered on-site led us to additional targets in nearby locations. We spent two more days in the field, hiking through snow-covered terrain, setting up ambushes, and coordinating with other teams. Sleep was scarce, and the freezing temperatures made everything harder.

The environment was nothing like urban SWAT operations. There were no armored vehicles or quick response times. Every move had to be deliberate, and we had to rely on each other to survive the conditions. By the end of the operation, we had arrested several key players and dismantled a significant portion of the drug network.

When it was finally over, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. We’d achieved our goal: the main suspect was in custody, and the community had some semblance of justice. But for me, it still wasn’t enough. The memories of the people we’d lost, the families torn apartit’s a weight I carry every day.

This operation gave me closure, but it also left me wondering what’s next. The battle against this epidemic isn’t over, and I don’t know where my path will lead from here. All I know is that I’ll keep fightingfor those we lost and for the ones we can still save.

[kilosch]

"Forgive me, Father…"

I don’t know if this is weird or not, but when I was working as a SWAT Medic, I had this little ritual. On the way to an operation—whether it was in the Bearcat, a helicopter, or the back of some unmarked car—I’d whisper a prayer. Just a quiet moment for myself:

"Forgive me, Father, for what I’ve sin, and help me forgive the folks I’m about to deal with… or protect me if they put a bullet in my hand."

It was a strange mix of dread and hope. Most of the people we encountered were carrying heavy histories—things they’d done to society, to kids especially. Sometimes it felt like I wasn’t just carrying medical gear but the weight of all that darkness.

I didn’t do it out of fear or guilt, really. It just felt like… something I needed to say to stay grounded. To remind myself there’s more to this world than the ugliness I was stepping into.

[kilosch]

Weekend Update (11/1-11/3)

Hello everyone,

This weekend has been a really tough one. I’m struggling to find any motivation and feeling incredibly low. The recent hit with the police process psych test threw me off more than I expected. It’s hit me hard, bringing up old wounds and leaving me on the brink of wanting to just give up on everything.

I’m trying to stay positive and not slip back into the person I was, but it’s tough. Losing both Jodie, the love of my life, and my old best friend to suicide makes this feel even harder and honestly, it scares me. I don’t want to end up back where I was after my 2023 attempt. Thankfully, my family has been there for me, reassuring me that I’ll be okay. I’m holding onto that as I try to get through this.

Just trying to keep my head up. Thanks for reading.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 10/31/2024

Today was a tough one. Started the day early as usual, had breakfast with my parents, and they brought up getting my car fixed. I decided to handle that later, hoping to stay ahead of the day’s to-do list. Things seemed normal at first, but it all went south pretty quickly.

Dropped my car off at the mechanic, and as I was waiting, I got a call from DSH with some bad news: my online psych test was marked invalid. That call hit like a truck. It means I’ll have to take the whole thing over again in a proctored setting, and if it doesn’t go well, that’s it—I’m disqualified from the hiring process. A whole year of effort, waiting, and dedication feels like it’s at risk, which was just crushing to hear. My parents reassured me, saying an invalid result isn’t a fail, and that helped… a bit. But mentally, it’s a struggle to process.

Went back to work and shared the news with Nessa. She seemed genuinely bummed out for me, which made me feel a little less alone in all this. Somehow, I managed to keep things light with everyone at work, kept up my usual jokes and all, even though this news was weighing me down. I hate that I’m going to miss the Dodgers parade too. It would have been good to get out there, celebrate, and take my mind off things for a bit. But I know where my focus needs to be right now.

All I can do is rally myself for the next round of this test. It’s discouraging, but I’ve come too far to let it end here. I’ll figure it out, get back in the game, and go in stronger.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 10/30/2024

Starting the Day with Teamlet 2’s Deep Dive Meeting Today began like a typical workday at 8 a.m., tuning into the Teamlet 2 deep dive meeting while I got dressed, grabbed breakfast, and took my coffee on the go. The meeting was still going when I headed out for my drive to DTLA—the usual L.A. traffic but chill enough, and I had my headphones on for the tail end of the meeting since my car speaker’s still busted.

Halloween Costumes and OT Team Vibes Once I parked, I saw Stephanie, the OT Director, in this bright costume. I was baffled and asked, “What the hell are you wearing, ma’am?” She shot back with a spooky grin and said, “Come play with us…” Turns out, she was dressed as a character from The Shining. I haven’t seen the movie, so I just went along with it. I helped her carry food for the OT team to her cubicle and noticed she didn’t have her ID badge. I asked, “How the heck do you plan to get in all day?” She shrugged and said she’d be camping out inside.

Vaccine Queue and DHS Catch-Up After settling in at my cubicle, I worked on some backlogged tasks before heading downstairs to get my flu and COVID shots. The line was packed, so I ended up waiting 30 minutes. I saw some familiar faces from our agency and even ran into Dr. Heidi, the Medical Director of IHOP. She gave me a hug and a pep talk, asking how I was doing—she’s aware of some of my personal challenges, which is honestly reassuring.

Lauren, the OT supervisor, showed up in line behind me, and we kept in touch by text while she attended a meeting. When it was finally my turn, I asked the nurse if it mattered which arm got which shot. She mentioned that COVID can make your arm sore, so I got the COVID shot in my left and flu shot in my right. Surprisingly, I felt fine for hours while others talked about headaches and muscle pain. Maybe it’s the caffeine and dehydration masking it.

Medication Pick-Up and Road Rage Drama Later, I drove to LA General to pick up meds for a client. Valet took forever and ended up losing my ticket, so I had to point out my car. The drive to my client’s location was short, but when I got there, neither the client nor their case manager was around. I dropped the meds off with security, then dealt with a road rage incident on the way back. Some guy backed out of his parking spot into the middle of an intersection, blocking my lane. After honking, he flipped me off, and I let him have it, shouting, “HEY, READ A DMV MANUAL NEXT TIME, MOTHERF---!” He fired back, but I sped off—wasn’t worth more drama.

OT Costumes and Quick Catch-Ups Back at the office, more OTs were in costume. I noticed Nessa and Adam weren’t dressed up, but it’s their choice. I stopped by Nessa’s cubicle to clarify a referral message, and we kept it light. She looked tired and said she’s ready for her upcoming break. She’s heading to New York to see her sister, and I hope she gets a true break without me dumping any of my stuff on her.

One-on-One Meeting with Vanessa I met with Vanessa to go over referral management and upcoming changes. We’ll be streamlining certain processes, which should make things smoother. Wrapped up the day at the office, drove home, then joined the 3:45 p.m. meeting from my computer to close out work tasks for the day.

World Series Game 5: Dodgers Clinch the Title Game 5 was a roller coaster. Dodgers were down 0-5, but we rallied and tied the game thanks to Yankee errors. By the 9th inning, we were hanging on with a 7-6 lead, and Walker Buehler closed it out with three straight strikeouts. Nate FaceTimed me for the final out—we watched the Dodgers make it official: World Series Champions! The whole city went nuts with fireworks, and texts poured in, including one from Lauren: “F--- YEAH!”

Freddie Freeman took World Series MVP after making history in Game 1 with that walk-off grand slam. There’s going to be a parade, and I’ll probably go since it’s only a 20-minute walk from the office.

Reflections and Final Thoughts Today felt great. I didn’t feel any depression creeping in, maybe because of the good vibes and the Dodgers’ win. Both arms are a bit sore from the vaccines, but it’s manageable. Ready for tomorrow!

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 10/29/2024

The Psych Exam – A Step Closer to Becoming an Officer: Woke up early at 7:30 a.m. to head to DSH for my online psych test. The process was much longer than expected, and finding parking felt like an eternity. The email wasn’t kidding—parking there is a nightmare. After circling around, I managed to park right in front of the DSH Police Department. The first thing I noticed? Chargers. I thought, “Daaaang, they’ve got budget for Chargers!?”

The admin building was a quick 2-minute walk, but it was still surreal being surrounded by officers and staff—a glimpse into the environment I’ll hopefully work in soon. When I got to the third floor, I had a nice chat with a Filipina nurse in Tagalog before heading to HR. I checked in, letting them know I was there for my psych exam, and waited for a few minutes until one of the HR staff called us to follow him to the testing area.

Contingent Offer & Psych Test Details: Before we could start the exam, the HR guy handed us some paperwork to sign, and the first one was a contingent offer letter. My heart skipped a beat—finally, an offer! It’s not official yet, of course, but getting a contingent offer is a big step. The letter read: “Office of Protective Services, Department of State Hospitals,” with the OPS logo right on top. I signed the paper, feeling proud of making it this far.

The HR guy explained the remaining steps I need to pass before the job becomes official:

Physical Agility Test (PAT)

Medical Exam

Online Psychological Evaluation

One-on-One Psychological Interview

Since I already passed the background check and completed PC 832, I’m on the home stretch. They also asked about nepotism, confirming if I knew anyone working at DSH—which I don’t, so I’m clear there.

The psych evaluation itself was a marathon. I had to go through:

Personality Test

California Psychological Inventory™ (CPI)

Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI)

I honestly had no clue how to prepare for these tests, so I just answered truthfully. The questions were repetitive at times, but I stayed focused, knowing this was part of the process. Two hours later, I was done. Finally.

Celebration Stop – Starbread Filipino Bakery: To reward myself for surviving the psych test, I made a 12-minute detour to Cerritos to visit Starbread. I ended up buying 30 pieces of Spanish bread—couldn’t help myself! The drive home was awful, though. What was supposed to be 25 minutes turned into an hour due to a traffic incident. The stop-and-go traffic drove me insane, but I managed to stay calm knowing I’d survived the test.

Catching Up on Work & Workout Routine: Once I got home, I jumped on my computer to catch up on work. There were some tasks that needed my attention, and I spent a good amount of time wrapping things up before heading out to Planet Fitness. I did a 15-minute bike workout to start preparing for the PAT—I want to feel confident going into it, so building some stamina is crucial.

After the workout, I got back home just in time for the 3:45 p.m. meeting, which went by quickly. It was uneventful but gave me a chance to reset before the World Series Game 4.

World Series Game 4 – A Painful Loss: The Dodgers game was rough to watch. We were dominating early in the game, but everything fell apart, and the Yankees came back strong, winning 11-4. It was hard to see the team stumble after starting so well. But at least the series is still 3-1—we’re one win away from taking it all. Hopefully, the momentum shifts back in our favor for Game 5.

Plans for Tomorrow – Vaccines and More Work: Tomorrow, I’ll be heading to the office to get my flu shot and COVID vaccine, and I have a medication drop-off for a patient scheduled. I plan to hit Planet Fitness again and do more bike workouts to keep building my endurance.

Reflections & Mental Health Check: Today was alright. I didn’t feel any depression—it seems like working out really helps me stay grounded. I’ll keep this routine going, especially with everything going on at work and the upcoming tests.

I’m feeling good about the steps I’ve taken today. Passing the psych exam felt like a huge accomplishment, and despite the Yankees winning, I’m still optimistic about tomorrow. One more game to win—and one step closer to the Academy.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 10/28/2024

Back to Work – Reconnecting with the Team: Woke up early at 7:30 a.m. and jumped right into my emails to start the day. It felt surreal returning to the workflow after being away for PC 832 training. I made sure to lighten everyone’s mood by posting in the work chat: "Good morning everyone, I’m back from completing some intensive training and am available for any IHOP support-related matters. Just a heads-up—I'm a bit beaten and sore, looking forward to catching up!"

Of course, I included a beaten-up Pepe the Frog meme for that extra goofiness, which got some laughs. It felt good seeing the team's response; even though I’m physically exhausted from the training, their reactions reminded me how much I missed working with them.

Reality Check – CTC Overload: When I finally sat down to handle my tasks, I realized nobody had touched the CTC files while I was gone. So now, I have to catch up on 30+ CTCs this week. It’s a bit overwhelming, but at this point, I’m used to being the one holding things together. I attended the 10 a.m. clinical meeting, where Lauren gave us updates about big changes—some responsibilities will soon transition to DMH and DPH.

I didn’t reach out to Lauren, Nessa, or anyone close to me today—I think I just didn’t feel like bothering them. Sometimes I hesitate, especially with those I’ve been open with about my mental health. But Danel RN caught something interesting on my calendar—she noticed that I had scheduled my resignation letter submission for IHOP. When she asked about it, I explained that it was something I planned a while ago, though it really depends on how the DSH Police Officer process goes.

Reconciling Records & A Quick Run: The day mostly involved catching up with emails and referrals. I had a call with Vanessa (my supervisor) about reconciling medical records, which meant a lot of file sorting and organization. It was a hassle, but I got through it.

For my break, I went to a nearby lake and squeezed in a 1-mile jog. I know I need to keep this habit going, especially while my parents are still here to help around the house. I plan to take advantage of this time to prepare physically and mentally for police academy.

Meeting & World Series – One Win Away: After my break, I returned to work and attended the 3:45 p.m. Teamlet 2 meeting. It was quick—just a status update on what’s going on with the team.

Later in the evening, I tuned in to Game 3 of the World Series. It was one of the most frustrating games I’ve ever watched. The Dodgers were dominating 4-2 with Walker Buehler pitching an incredible game. I couldn’t help but text Eugene, who looks exactly like Buehler. I even joked: "Nice strike, bro." He hit me back with: "Can't text right now, I’m on the mound." I couldn’t stop laughing at that one—he always knows how to keep the joke going.

The umpire for this game was the real villain, though. He made some of the wildest calls I’ve ever seen, giving strikes on high balls that were clearly off the mark. Both teams were frustrated, but luckily, the Dodgers held it together. The Yankees managed a 2-run homer in the 9th inning, but it wasn’t enough. Now, the Dodgers are just one win away from clinching the World Series, and I can’t wait for tomorrow’s game.

Ending the Day – Sore but Hopeful: I ended the day feeling exhausted and sore from my run, but it’s a good kind of pain—keeps the depressing thoughts at bay. Tomorrow, I’ve got two big things lined up:

Game 4 of the World Series—hopefully, the Dodgers can finish the job.

My online psych test—a step closer to becoming a DSH Police Officer.

Feeling cautiously optimistic. One more win and one more hurdle to clear—I’ve got this.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 10/27/2024

Late Start – Typical Lazy Sunday: I woke up late around 10:30 a.m., thanks to the weekend. The sound of my parents snoring was what actually pulled me out of sleep. I got up, made myself some coffee, and grabbed a quick breakfast.

The day felt like a procrastination marathon—I didn’t really feel like doing anything productive. I ended up binging videos on YouTube just to keep myself entertained. One of the videos was about the new Call of Duty campaign, and since I’ve always been a fan of the Black Ops series, it caught my attention. The story takes place in the late '90s, with one mission featuring a raid on Saddam Hussein’s mansion, which was pretty wild to see in a video game. The campaign was short, only about six hours, but it was enough to take my mind off things for a bit.

Afternoon Nap & Family Chaos: After finishing the campaign, I decided to take a nap. I didn’t wake up until 2 p.m., and as soon as I did, I heard everyone being loud around the house. I wandered into the living room, where I saw my parents still working on the floors—the dog had really made a mess of them. I checked in briefly, but then went right back to procrastinating.

I tried to keep myself entertained by checking my work emails, just to prepare for tomorrow. I also caught up with Nate, my best friend from Alaska. We talked about life, struggles, and how we’ve managed to push through everything. Nate’s been through a lot—his mom passed away this year, and I’ve had my own battles, especially with Jodie’s death and my ongoing struggle with suicidal thoughts.

During our conversation, I told him, “2024 is not our fucking year, Nate.” He agreed: “Indeed.” It felt good to talk about it with someone who really understands. I’ve never told my parents about Jodie’s death—honestly, it’s none of their business. Jodie was the love of my life, and her suicide hit me hard. That’s not something I want to share with anyone outside of those who truly get it.

Family Dinner & Politics in the Philippines: Later, my dad made Sinigang, his own unique version. It felt good to have the whole family together, sitting at the table, sharing a meal. Dad turned on the news to catch a subcommittee hearing back in the Philippines about their war on drugs and the extrajudicial killings that have been going on. The discussion was about police misconduct and the future of the government there.

Honestly, I didn’t care much—I don’t live there, so it feels distant. But my parents seemed worried about the future of the Philippines. I tried to lighten the mood by saying, “Trust me, the presidential election here is just around the corner.”

Ending the Day – Reflections and Looking Forward: As the day wound down, I went to bed to decompress. It was a boring day, but the conversation with Nate reminded me that I’m not alone, even when things feel heavy. I did feel a bit of depression creeping in, but talking to Nate gave me some comfort.

Tomorrow is Monday, and I’m actually excited to get back to work and see my coworkers. Plus, it’s Game 3 of the World Series—I can’t wait for that, especially after the Dodgers took the first two games.

Here’s hoping for a better week ahead.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 10/26/2024

Morning Realization – No More Class Stress: I woke up late at 10 a.m., and the first thought that hit me was the sweet relief that I didn’t need to rush to class anymore. The PC 832 course is done, and I passed! But strangely, I felt bittersweet—even though it was just five days, I found myself missing my classmates. One classmate in particular, Michael, stood out. He’s also heading to DSH as a Hospital Police Officer, and I regretted not exchanging contact information with him.

We had some good conversations during the class. He told me he’d just taken his online psychological exam and gave me advice: “Just be yourself—you don’t need to prepare for it.” Michael was waiting for his one-on-one session with the licensed psychiatrist. When I asked where he’d be stationed, he said Patton State Hospital in San Bernardino. I mentioned I’d be working at Metro State Hospital in Los Angeles, and we realized we had different career goals. He’s interested in working with K9 units because he loves dogs. When I told him I wanted to focus on investigations, he replied, “Makes sense… you’re too smart for patrol anyway.” I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or an insult, but I laughed it off.

Morning Routine – Target Errands: I kept breakfast simple with just coffee. My mom was already cleaning the living room when I got up, which was nice—we needed the house in order, especially with everyone back together.

I decided to get laundry done, and it was a lot. My mom helped me fold clothes because, let’s be honest, I suck at folding. Afterward, I asked her if she needed anything from Target since I was heading there for errands. She told me to grab some meats for dinner, so I went off to Target.

Unfortunately, my car speakers are still broken, so I didn’t have music on the drive, which was a bit of a bummer. The Target run was quick and straightforward—just essentials for the week.

World Series Game 2 – Dodgers vs. Yankees: When I got home, I tuned in to Game 2 of the World Series between the Dodgers and Yankees. The game was intense from start to finish. It’s hard to tell if the Yankees' offense is struggling or if Dodgers’ bullpen is just that good, but Yoshinobu Yamamoto was lights out, dominating for six innings straight.

There was a scare, though—Shohei Ohtani got injured during a stolen base attempt, and I’m hoping he recovers quickly. The ninth inning was chaotic. Dodgers were leading 4-2, but closer Blake Treinen walked several batters, loading the bases with two outs. Luckily, Dave Roberts made a smart call and pulled Treinen, replacing him with Alex Vesia.

The tension was high. As Vesia threw the final pitch, the ball was sent flying toward the outfield. For a moment, I couldn’t tell if it was going to be a home run. But then, Tommy Edman made a brilliant catch, sealing the game. Dodgers won 4-2 and now lead the series 2-0. With only two more wins needed, they’ll head to New York for Game 3. The internet was buzzing with criticism of the Yankees' poor decisions, especially with their bullpen management—but as a Dodgers fan, I know that pain all too well.

Family Dinner – Filipino Igado & Nostalgia: After the game, I joined my family for dinner. My dad had cooked Igado, a traditional Filipino dish. Sitting at the table, all five of us together, enjoying a home-cooked meal, brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of simpler times and how much I miss moments like these—just being together as a family.

After dinner, I watched my parents and sister work on fixing the floor. They’d gone to Home Depot earlier in the day to grab some materials. It felt good just to be present and watch them work together—it’s moments like these that I’ve missed.

Back to Routine – Checking Emails & Work Prep: Later, I hopped on my computer and checked my county email. I saw a flood of messages but didn’t feel overwhelmed. I also peeked at Microsoft Planner to see what I needed to tackle when I return to work on Monday. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the CHWs are doing great with referrals—it’s good to know things are running smoothly in my absence.

Reflecting on the Day – No Depression, Just Hope: It felt like a good day overall. I’m grateful for the Dodgers' win, the time spent with my family, and the progress I’ve made toward becoming a police officer. I’m hoping to maintain this momentum and keep my mind clear.

The next step is preparing for my online psych test and getting back into the rhythm of work. No depression today, just a sense of hope and gratitude for everything I’ve got going on.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry: 10/25/24

Morning Routine – Waking Up to Snoring: I woke up at 5:30 a.m., but it wasn’t my alarm that got me up—it was my parent’s snoring! Honestly, I was shocked I even heard it, considering I wear hearing aids and usually have trouble catching sounds like that. I rolled out of bed, brewed coffee, and enjoyed some snacks my parents brought from the Philippines for breakfast.

The Drive – Chill but No Music: The 35-minute drive to Huntington Beach felt more relaxed today, except my car speakers are still broken, so no music to vibe with on the way. I missed my usual soundtrack of Zach Bryan, but the anticipation of the final day at the academy kept me awake.

The Final Day – Class Review & Test Nerves Kick In:

As I walked into the academy building, I immediately saw Instructor Mike (the ex-Santa Ana cop from Day 2). He greeted me with a smile and said, “Grab a donut.” I didn’t hesitate—it felt like I needed that sugar rush today.

The day officially started at 7:00 a.m., and Mike told us, “Alright, guys. It’s your last day—hopefully. It’s test day!” We spent the morning reviewing everything we’d learned earlier in the week, from LD 5 (Intro to Criminal Law) to LD 20 (Use of Force). Mike went deep into the legal justifications for using force and gave us some final tips.

After that, Instructor Sean (the ex-DEA agent) took over and walked us through LD 15, LD 16, and LD 39 one more time. He summarized everything well and answered our last-minute questions, which helped calm some of my nerves. Sean kept reminding us that the test would be scenario-based and to trust our instincts.

Prepping for the Final Exam:

By 1:30 p.m., it was go time. We were given two hours to complete the exam, with a hard stop at 3:30 p.m. As I sat there, staring at the questions, I felt overwhelmed by the legal jargon—it was packed with legalese and scenarios. I kept doubting myself, re-reading the questions over and over. I reviewed my entire exam three times, which probably wasn’t a great idea, but I couldn’t help myself.

After finishing, I walked out feeling defeated. My partner asked how it went, and I just shrugged, saying, “Nah... I think I failed.” I started mentally preparing to retake the course next week, assuming the worst.

The Big Surprise – I Passed!

As we waited for the POST proctors to hand out our certificates, my heart was racing. They started calling names and handing out envelopes—one by one. When the last envelope was handed to me, I opened it with trembling hands and saw... I PASSED!

The smile on my face must’ve been huge. I could barely contain my excitement. All 12 of us passed, except for one poor guy who didn’t get a certificate. I felt bad for him and told him to keep his head up—he’d pass the retake for sure.

As we left the academy, we shook hands and congratulated each other. Before heading out, I took a moment to look around the academy one last time, holding my certificate with pride. It felt surreal—this was one step closer to becoming a police officer.

The Drive Home – LA Traffic Madness:

The drive home was brutal. It took two hours because of all the events happening in LA—USC vs. Rutgers, a Lakers game, the state high school football championship at SoFi, a concert at Intuit Dome, and to top it off, Game 1 of the World Series between the Dodgers and Yankees. Traffic was a nightmare, but I didn’t care—I was still riding the high from passing PC 832.

Celebrating with Family:

When I finally got home, I told my family the good news, and they were so happy for me. We celebrated with a big Filipino feast, and I changed into my Dodgers jersey just in time for Game 1 of the World Series.

Game 1 of the World Series – Dodgers vs. Yankees:

The game was intense. Both teams were locked in, with the score tied 2-2, forcing it into extra innings. In the bottom of the 10th inning, Chris Taylor was on second, Max Muncy on first, and the Yankees intentionally walked Mookie Betts—a risky move. Then came Freddie Freeman.

With two outs, Yankees pitcher Nestor threw the ball, and Freddie smashed it to right field. The crowd erupted as the ball flew out of the park—a grand slam walk-off! The announcer yelled, “She’s gone!” History was made—Freddie Freeman became the first player ever to hit a grand slam walk-off in a World Series game. It felt like watching Kirk Gibson’s iconic walk-off homer from the 1988 World Series all over again.

Post-Game Vibes & Texts:

The whole neighborhood erupted in fireworks, celebrating the Dodgers’ win. I texted Lauren a meme of a Dodgers fan sleeping peacefully, and she replied, “F* yeah! What a way to end!”** I’ve never seen her cuss before—it was hilarious.

I also checked in with my friend who’s a hardcore Yankees fan. He was stunned by what happened but admitted it was amazing to witness history.

End of the Day – No Depression, Just Joy:

For once, there were no depressing thoughts lingering. I felt on top of the world—I passed PC 832, and the Dodgers took Game 1 of the World Series. It was the perfect day.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry: 10/24/24

Morning Routine & Strange Buzziness: Woke up around the same time as yesterday, but for some reason, I felt weirdly buzzy—like I couldn’t tell if it was sleep deprivation or if I was starting to get sick. I got dressed, powered through the fog, and headed to the nearest 7-11 for my morning essentials: an energy drink, coffee, and a snack.

Commute to Huntington Beach – Prepping Mentally: The usual 35-minute drive to the academy felt a bit off today. I put on some Zach Bryan, hoping the music would ease my mind. My test anxiety was creeping back in, and I kept telling myself that I need to focus and push through.

When I parked at the Police Academy, I sat there for a few minutes, sipping my coffee and trying to catch my breath, hoping the caffeine would kick in and help me stay sharp for the day.

Class Begins – LD 16 & Overthinking: By the time I entered the classroom, Instructor Smith was already there, going over the agenda for the day. Today’s focus was all about LD 16 (Search and Seizure), but the deeper we went into the material, the more anxious I became. As informative as the lecture was, I kept thinking, Is this really going to help me pass the test? The material felt more theoretical than practical, and that only made me doubt myself more.

Smith reassured us that the PC 832 test would likely focus on scenario-based questions, which gave me a bit of relief—but not much. I kept jotting down notes, hoping something would click.

A Classmate’s Story – LAPD and Misconduct: Around 3 PM, right in the middle of discussing search and seizure, one of my classmates suddenly opened up about a personal encounter with law enforcement. He’s an Armed Security Officer, and apparently, he had a bad run-in with LAPD.

He explained that he was detained, cuffed, and patted down three times by officers, even though he repeatedly told them he was legally armed. What’s worse, the officers confiscated his firearm and allegedly planted drugs in his car. He said everything was caught on bodycam footage, and he’s currently suing the officers involved.

When Instructor Smith asked which LAPD division was responsible, my classmate responded, “77th Division.” Smith’s response was telling—he just sighed and said, “I’m not surprised... they’re turning into Rampart and Newton.”

For context, Rampart and Newton divisions are known for some of the worst misconduct cases in LAPD history, which gave the conversation a heavy vibe. That was the only interesting part of the day, but it definitely stuck with me.

Heading Home – Reuniting with My Parents: Class wrapped up shortly after that, and I began the hour-long drive home. The drive was tiring, but seeing my parents made everything feel better. When I got home, I hugged them tight—it felt so good to have them back.

Later, I spent some quality time with my dad, taking the dog out for a walk and catching up on life. We talked about everything—work, the academy, and how things have been. My mom mentioned that they’re considering going back to the Philippines in January, which hit me harder than I expected. There’s a chance they might miss my Police Academy graduation, and that really bothers me... but I didn’t say anything. I just nodded and tried to stay positive.

Evening Prep & No Depressive Thoughts: As the night rolled in, I made sure to prepare everything for tomorrow’s class. I feel surprisingly calm—no overwhelming thoughts or anxiety tonight. I think the reunion with my parents helped ground me a bit.

Now, I’m just mentally gearing up to nail that PC 832 test. I want to pass, not just for myself but for everyone who’s been cheering me on.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry: 10/23/24

Early Morning Struggles: Same routine as yesterday—woke up at 5:30 AM, but this time it felt way worse. I barely got any sleep because my sibling wouldn’t stop blasting music the whole night. I begged my sister to turn it off, but she ignored me. I even abused melatonin, trying to force myself to sleep, but it didn’t work. The night felt like torture, just tossing and turning, fighting for even a little rest.

Drive to the Academy – Overthinking Everything: I pushed through the exhaustion, grabbed my coffee, and drove the 35 minutes to Huntington Beach. On the way, my mind was flooded with anxiety about the PC 832 test on Friday. The pressure to pass is really starting to get to me—I can’t stop overthinking every detail. What if I mess up? What if I fail? These thoughts lingered all the way to the academy.

Morning at the Academy – Meeting Captain Smith: I arrived at the Academy around 6:30 AM, and several classmates were already there, chit-chatting about the course and what to expect for the day. I joined them briefly before heading to the classroom. Inside, I met Ronald Smith, an old, skinny retired captain from Huntington Beach PD. He’d be our instructor for the next two days, covering LD 15 (Laws of Arrest) and LD 16 (Search and Seizure).

Smith started with a quick introduction, explaining his background. Apparently, in addition to his police career, he’s been a Criminology professor for a while. I tried to listen closely, but I could barely hear him since I forgot my hearing aids at home. I found myself relying on reading his lips, which worked okay, but it made the lecture feel more exhausting.

LD 15 and LD 16 – Theoretical Overload: As Smith dove into LD 15 and LD 16, it became clear that theories and concepts were his thing. He was passionate about it, explaining the philosophy behind the laws and how they shape police work. While it was interesting, his lecture didn’t feel practical enough for the upcoming PC 832 exam. The theories were valuable in the long run, but I couldn’t help but feel frustrated—I need to pass this test, not just learn philosophy.

Smith reassured us that these theories wouldn’t appear on the exam but said they’d help us better understand the legal system. I tried to absorb what I could, but it wasn’t clicking the way I hoped.

Afternoon Release – Drive Home & Decompressing: We finished earlier than usual, around 3:45 PM, and I was grateful to leave. The hour-long drive home felt brighter than usual—the sun was obnoxiously bright, making it an annoying trip. Once I got home, I decompressed with a simple lunch of longanisa and rice.

Preparing for My Parents’ Arrival: After eating, I got a text from my brother asking if anyone wanted to carpool with him to LAX to pick up our parents. For a moment, I almost forgot that they were arriving tonight. I declined the offer because I needed time to study. My brother ended up carpooling anyway to use the carpool lane and beat the traffic to LAX.

Meanwhile, I returned to my computer, searching for more study guides to prepare for the next day. I wanted to feel more confident going into Day 3, especially since the test anxiety has been eating at me nonstop.

Evening Thoughts – Missing Work and Coworkers: I found myself missing work and my coworkers—more than I expected. I think the structure of my job gave me something to hold onto mentally, and being away from it feels strange. I’ve grown so attached to that chaotic routine that being without it makes me feel... off.

Hoping for Sleep: As I write this, I’m hoping for decent sleep tonight, though that might be too much to ask. If my sister doesn’t blast music again and the dog doesn’t bark all night, maybe I’ll have a chance to finally rest.

One step at a time—I just need to get through tomorrow, stay focused, and pass PC 832.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry: 10/22/2024

Early Start & Pre-Class Routine: Woke up again at 5:30 AM to get ready for Day 2 of PC 832. Coffee in hand, with my Red Bull ready for later, I drove the 35 minutes to Huntington Beach. The academy was already open by the time I got there, so I chugged my Red Bull and headed straight inside.

Morning Warm-Up and Practice: At around 6:00 AM, I went directly to the mat room. The class was already there practicing their arrest, control, and take-down techniques. It was cool to see everyone voluntarily showing up early, trying to refine their moves. My partner (we were assigned partners on Day 1) was there as well, practicing with some intensity. Funny thing is, I still don’t know his name, but I know he works as armed security for a bar, and that’s why he needs this PC 832 class.

We dapped each other up, exchanged small talk, and asked, “You ready for testing?” We both knew the answer was a solid “Yeah, we got this.” We ran through our techniques one last time, focusing on escort positions and take-downs to make sure everything was dialed in.

Instructor Ramos & Testing Overview: Instructor Ramos and Pratt came over to go over the testing process, reminding us of the rules. Ramos emphasized that, as the subject, we couldn’t give hints to the officer during testing—doing so could cause the officer to fail. He reassured us that if anyone failed, we’d get a chance to retest within a week.

Time to Get Tested – First Pair to Volunteer: At 7 AM, we moved into the “waiting room,” where everyone sat with that nervous energy, anxiously waiting to be called. My partner and I decided to volunteer to go first—we wanted to set the tone. Walking onto the mats, we kept our heads up, acting like we owned the room. I could feel our confidence radiating, but we tried to stay humble by reassuring others they’d do fine and answering questions.

The proctors were from the Police Academy, serious but professional. One of them asked, “Do you have your cuffs ready?” We both nodded, adjusting our duty belts. The proctor then said, “Who wants to go first?”

Without hesitation, I raised my hand, and he said, “Alright, Kyrie. You’re up. Let’s begin.”

The Test Begins: He instructed me to start in the “If-so” position (hands above the duty belt, ready for engagement).

“Officer Kyrie with State Hospitals—I need you to come with me,” I commanded, moving toward my partner. I performed the two-point contact and brought him into the escort position. The proctor followed up, “Officer, initiate a twist lock and proceed.”

I executed the twist lock smoothly and ordered, “Sir, I need you to separate your feet, extend your toes, and place your left hand on the back of your head. Look down and don’t move.”

The proctor gave the next instruction: “Officer, go ahead and handcuff the subject.” I pulled out my handcuffs, secured my partner’s right wrist, and said, “Sir, I need your left hand behind your back.” I finished cuffing him and secured his index and middle fingers (as per POST regulations—no grabbing the chain).

Holding his shoulder in the escort position, the proctor told me to conduct a search. I worked methodically—waistline, pockets, arms, collar, back, and legs—making sure to keep everything professional, especially around sensitive areas.

Once the search was complete, the proctor instructed me to remove the cuffs. I released his left wrist and ordered, “Hands back on your head.” Then I removed the second cuff.

The proctor chuckled and asked, “Are you from England? Why do you sound British?” I laughed and said, “No, sir. That’s just how I give commands.” The whole group shared a laugh, easing the tension.

The Take-Down Drill: After resetting to the escort position, the proctor suddenly yelled, “TAKE HIM DOWN!”

Without hesitation, I wrapped my left arm around his shoulder, grabbed his wrist with my right, and threw him to the ground while shouting, “GET ON THE GROUND! DO NOT MOVE!” I completed the twist lock and maintained control until the proctor called, “Recover!”

We both stood up, relieved it was over. My partner nailed his part as well, performing his take-down on me with some serious force (as he should). Afterward, the proctor said, “You both did great. Good job.” We were pumped, knowing we nailed it.

Classroom Sessions – LD 5, 20, and 39: After the physical portion, we transitioned to classroom sessions, where things slowed down a bit. We covered Learning Domains (LD) 5, 20, and 39.

LD 20: Use of Force was led by Instructor Mike, a retired LAPD and Santa Ana PD sergeant. He was hilarious—no filter when discussing controversial topics, which made the session engaging. We talked about when and how to apply force legally and the importance of staying within the boundaries of the law.

LD 5 and 39: Criminal Law & Crimes Against the Justice System were taught by Instructor Sean, a retired DEA Supervising Agent. Sean shared stories from his time investigating drug trafficking in South America, which made the content more interesting, though the material itself was a bit dry. He assured us that LD 5 and 39 wouldn’t be heavily tested, but understanding the theory is crucial for future officers.

Drive Home & FOMO Strikes Again: Class wrapped up around 4 PM, and I started the long drive home. The traffic on the 405 and 605 added an extra 20 minutes, making it an hour-long commute. I got home by 5 PM, checked Teams, and saw a flood of messages. I thought, “Oh, hell no. I’ll deal with that next Monday.” I silenced notifications for now—no distractions during PC 832 week.

Dinner & Reflections: For dinner, I made sinigang—something hearty to recharge after the day’s intensity. I’m already feeling the physical toll from today’s exercises, but it’s a good kind of pain. My parents are finally arriving tomorrow at 10:30 PM, which will make the week feel even more complete.

I’m surprisingly not feeling any depressive thoughts—being busy helps keep my mind occupied. I’m determined to pass PC 832, knowing I’m one step closer to the Police Academy. Tomorrow will be Day 3 of 5, and I’m ready to give it my all.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry: 10/21/24

Early Start & Preparation: Woke up bright and early today at 0530. Thanks to my prep the night before, I had everything ready to go—coffee, energy drink, proper clothing, and all the essentials. I hopped in my car and headed to Huntington Beach for my first day of PC 832 training at Golden West College. The drive was about 35 minutes for 21 miles, which wasn’t too bad. I arrived around 0640, parked, took a breather, and paid for parking.

First Impressions – 'I Made It': Walking up to the Regional Criminal Justice Training Center felt surreal. The massive sign out front hit me—"Damn, I made it." As I walked through the hallways, I saw displays of academy history, uniforms, and old equipment. It gave me a real sense of pride and perspective. Knowing the legacy of officers who trained here before me gave me a boost of confidence.

Meeting the Instructors & Classmates: The instructors for the course—Ramos, Pratt, and Carchula—were all retired law enforcement officers, each bringing tons of experience. Ramos had even worked for ABC (Alcoholic Beverage Control), which I didn’t realize was a law enforcement agency. It was cool hearing their stories, especially how Huntington Beach PD operates, and seeing their passion for the job.

Physical Training – Mat Work & Take Downs: We kicked things off on the mat floor, where we went through warm-ups, stretching routines, and exercises to get us ready for the day. We learned the fundamentals of handcuffing, searching, escorting, and take-down maneuvers. The take-downs were definitely the most intense—feeling the pain and adrenaline of throwing and being thrown was crazy.

Throughout the drills, I kept thinking about the importance of mastering these skills for real-world situations. It was a reminder that physical fitness will be just as critical as my knowledge once I make it to the police academy.

Students from All Over California: We each had ID badges pinned to our chests, listing our names and whether we were a sponsored student. I added “Department of State Hospitals” to mine, and it was interesting to see the variety of agencies represented. There were officers from Orange County Medical Examiners, Manhattan Beach PD, California Corrections, and surprisingly, the California Department of Public Health (who knew they had a law enforcement division?).

Our class had a total of 13 students, all from various agencies across the state. During the exercises, one of the instructors complimented me on my performance, which boosted my confidence, even though I still feel more comfortable with hands-on work than written exams. When Ramos asked why I needed PC 832 for State Hospitals, I explained how our officers hold Peace Officer powers, which seemed to surprise him.

The Drive Home – Sore but Satisfied: By the end of the day, everyone was exhausted. After hours of physical drills and take-downs, my body was aching, but it felt like a good kind of pain—progress. I left around 4 PM, and the drive home took about an hour, hopping on the 405 and then the 605.

Dinner & FOMO with Work: Once I got home, I made pancit with eggs and rice for dinner. It felt good to unwind with some comfort food after a long day. I know I should’ve just stayed offline since I’m officially out of the office (OOO) this week, but I couldn’t resist checking Teams—I get that FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) real bad.

I saw that some folks were headed to MLK Recuperative Care for an internal medication management meeting. Curious, I texted Lauren to see what was going on. She filled me in on the meeting and joked, asking why I was even online. I admitted to her, "Feeling FOMO." She wasn’t surprised.

Reflections & Mental State: Despite the exhaustion, I feel surprisingly good—no depressing thoughts today. Maybe it’s the sense of accomplishment, or maybe it’s just the distraction of diving into something new. I’ll need to wake up at 5:30 AM again tomorrow for another long day of training, but I’m determined to keep this momentum and pass PC 832 by Friday.

Let’s keep moving forward.