kindofbeautiful

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When you hear what could be cold-hearted truth from someone other than people closest to you, you start to question their intentions behind their words.

갑자기 울컥했다. 과연 엄마나 아빠도 나한테 그런 말을 했을까? 날카로운 말을 했어도, 나를 사랑하는 마음으로 했겠지. 

왜이렇게 아프지. 내가 너무 예민한건가. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being my old self who was able to deflect negativity so easily. Now I seem to absorb it like a sponge.

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your best will never be enough for someone who feels they deserve less.

(via samwon)

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지금 까지 나는 쉬지 않고 나의 꿈을 향해 달려왔다. 셀 수 없는 만큼 넘어지고, 깨지고 실패도 하였지만, 나는 용기를 내서 다시 일어났다. 하루를 시작하기가 너무 싫었을 때도 많았지만, 엉금엉금 기어서라도 그 날을 마쳤다. 

This past year, I was challenged in ways I have never been challenged before. I was forced to face the consequences of my past mistakes and come to terms with my flaws and weaknesses. During this process of breaking, God showed me that there is a true and profound sense of peace that comes with setting my eyes on Him and not on myself. And this peace lasts for as long as I am fixed on Him. 

In my pursuit of my own naive desires, God steered me and redirected me to chase after His heart. One by one, He restored and renewed pieces of myself to eventually be made whole in Him, with Him. He gave me the courage to get back up after each time I fell and to try again after each failure. He gave me the strength and motivation to start and finish the day even when I was worn out and wanted to hide in my bed away from my responsibilities. 

And now, as the year comes to a close, God has brought me out to a new, unfamiliar place to rest. While initially I felt heavy and sad about moving away from the place I have called home for 13 years and a community that has blessed me so richly, I now understand why He chose Colorado.

The backdrop of the city that I live in is the beautiful Rocky Mountains. On a daily basis, as I drive around running errands and exploring the area, I admire the endless stretch of snowy peaks that seem to surround me wherever I go. From time to time I miss the bright lights and hustle and bustle of New York City, but I truly don’t mind the mountains. Even with so many loose ends in my life that have yet to be tied up, I am thankful that God is giving me this brief time of rest in Colorado with my family.

God will bring me through a whole new set of challenges in this next year, but I am still excited. I am excited to grow closer to Him. For the first time in a long time, I am not worried about falling or failing. 

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I am frustrated because all I do is focus on my weaknesses instead of placing all of my hope in His greatness.

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Love Always

When God takes me through times of breaking and remolding, I feel most connected to Him. Yes, it’s a painful process but it reminds me that God wants me, despite all the things that I lack. There isn’t really anything I can do to make the breaking process go any faster than God intended it to be, so I just wait and pray. 

Often times, though, I don’t follow through. And God uses a different means to break me again. And He will keep doing it until He molds me the way He wants me to be. 

While going through all my things, I found a birthday card from a friend a few years ago. One line that stood out to me was, “Thank you for loving a fellow sister even when it was hard to love.” I felt a sting of guilt because I hadn’t loved that fellow sister all the way through the difficult situation. Jesus would have loved her and encouraged her unconditionally. But I chose to back out because it got too hard for me, and I felt like there was nothing in it for me.

I know that many of the relationships I build with people probably won’t last for a long time. I am okay with that; it’s just something that happens and I have accepted it a long time ago. The issue for me, is that I have a difficult time loving people for the entire duration of the time they are in my life. It’s not because I know that these relationships are temporary, but it’s because I am not selfless enough. I have so many standards and conditions that have to be met before I can give myself the green light to start loving someone, when God loves me unconditionally. I should not be investing in people for my own personal gains. I should just love, because Jesus loves.

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Remembering Dani

I had just reconnected with one of my childhood friends Dani from when I lived in Massachusetts. We weren’t the closest of friends when we were younger; we mostly played together with the other kids that went to our small church. She was a kind, bubbly kid who was full of laughter. It was so encouraging and inspiring to learn that she had been accepted to Harvard Med to start this fall. She had also just gotten engaged. 

Right before I left for Haiti missions in late May, I found out that she had gotten into a terrible accident and was in critical condition. I left with so many different emotions. I came back and she was gone. Just like that.

It’s a strange feeling. I think of her often, even though I was never close with her. She passed so suddenly. She had such a bright and beautiful future ahead. She had achieved so much at such a young age. Sometimes I would scroll through old photos on Facebook or Instagram and I would see a comment that she left and instantly feel a pang of sadness and heartache. 

I am thankful God granted me the opportunity to reconnect with her, even though it was very brief. 

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Big Pharma is only interested in making $$$. Ironically, this is the industry that I find exciting. 

Have you seen it? Catch our vaccine bus ad outside the #Pfizer building in NYC. Take a pic of yourself with it using the hashtag #AskPharma- Let’s call on Pfizer and GSK to lower the price of pneumonia vaccines to $5.00 per child for all developing countries. 

Nearly 1 million children worldwide die each year due to pneumonia. Pfizer & GSK have made a total of $26 billion in sales off the pneumonia vaccine. It now costs 68x more to fully immunize a child now than it did in 2001. It’s time to give all kids A Fair Shot.  www.afairshot.org 

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It is so hard trying not to let tears run down your face because it’s only been 3 hours since you put makeup on and it would be a waste to let it all wash away.

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These are people who had been working hard for months, non-stop for the past week. They had not gone home, they had not seen their families, they had just been working in the hospital to help people… and now they are dead. These people are friends, close friends. I have no words to express this. It is unspeakable. The hospital, it has been my workplace and home for several months. Yes, it is just a building. But it is so much more than that. It is healthcare for Kunduz. Now it is gone.

Doctors Without Borders Nurse Lajos Zoltan Jecs  (via doctorswithoutborders)

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Today the US government has admitted that it was their airstrike that hit our hospital in Kunduz and killed 22 patients and MSF staff. Their description of the attack keeps changing—from collateral damage, to a tragic incident, to now attempting to pass responsibility to the Afghanistan government. The reality is the US dropped those bombs. The US hit a huge hospital full of wounded patients and MSF staff. The US military remains responsible for the targets it hits, even though it is part of a coalition. There can be no justification for this horrible attack. With such constant discrepancies in the US and Afghan accounts of what happened, the need for a full transparent independent investigation is ever more critical.

Christopher Stokes, General Director, Médecins Sans Frontières (via doctorswithoutborders)

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Good Morning

I wrote this comic while it was raining. 

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Reflection

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Colors

You can order a poster at my shop.

Further reading:

“Snail” by Federico Garcia Lorca

Absolutely everything by Eve Merriam

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Note to Self

If you truly desire the things that God desires, if your heart is truly in tune with God’s heart, if you see things and people the way God sees them, there is no way you can’t forgive. There is no way that you can’t love despite being hurt and broken. There is no way you can’t be joyful, and there is no way you can’t have peace. There is no way you can’t see the lost sheep around you.

It is not about me. It has never been about me. The point is that He is Lord. Sovereign God. It is neither the size of my faith, nor my works that save me. It is Christ who saves me.

In my suffering is when I glorify the One I love the most. Rejoice.

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A Compilation Video of Celebrities in Commercials From the 1960s and 1970s Before They Were Famous

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the dress.