kingtoot-blog

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the roof

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So what now?

Be warned that this post will most probably end up very angsty. Last night I awoke from my deep sleep, my left hand clutching my right arm so tightly. there was this queer burning sensation at my forearm. (below the wrist, but above the elbow), u know. the forearm. I can't pinpoint the location to be honest. but it did burn. I was pretty puzzled. Was it the multiple Dota games? Or was it the four hour practice centered on Moszkowski's Etincelles? Oh well. I'm sure I have not blogged about this. But the fear (and weak link) in my 32 minute program for my examination is Moszkowski's Etincelles. The fast paced piece with weird fingerings and multiple rapid octaves with double notes in between, and plus all that arpeggio, chromatic scales. it was almost "etude-ish" just that it wasn't labelled one. My hands are small, spanning a nineth at maximum stretch and that cause me a lot of tension due to the stretching work. I  have completed the piece, and I'm playing it in time and everything. and yesterday I was working on a couple of new fingerings to make the piece sound "nicer", and I practiced (or over practiced) it. About at least 3 hours went to this piece. Now I suspect I'm injured. (or I hope it's just a temporary muscle strain). I was quite stressed this morning as I staggered to the piano trying to find the source of injury. Pathetique? Scarlatti,  all went fine. Just that the pain was somehow not alleviating. but at least the pain didn't get worst when I tried to play my other stuff. My movements were of course, restricted by this stinking pain, but things were so clear when I couldn't get through a minute of Etincelles. So ta-dah, bingo. Now we all know clearly what caused my arm pain. So I was scheduled to have my lesson. My teacher came. Told me not to play today, and rest a few days. ( a bold move considering my exam is coming in a months plus time). I was adamant about the piece change. i was already quite unwilling to play Etincelles. Though actually I can smoke it through, play a half baked version at decent speed, and with some "hardwork" I thought I could get it up to level. But it was definitely the weak link in my program. A piece change, 1 month before an exam, is quite suicidal. I have no back ups. I tried Rach's Pollichinelle a couple of weeks ago as a back up, but I gave it up because I figured I didn't like it that much. Now it's not a time to be spoilt, to be fussy about pieces. Of course, if time permitted, I would rather do a Chopin nocturne, or ballade or whatever. but I have about a week to finish learning this new piece, and considering I cant play nuts for the next couple of days. My teacher reccomended Brahms Intermezzo In A maj or Alkan's Barcarolle. Both lyrical, slow romantique pieces. Very nice, I like. But, the problem is that my program already has Liszt's Liebestraum and Balakirev's Lark. Etincelles (or sparks) would definitely be a nice contrast, etude-like, nailing last piece or virtuosity to end it off. Did I mention I had a timing insecurity in my progam. If I play a little too fast, I may end up not meeting 32 minutes and failing the timing requirement. I think Brahms does this pretty well, making my program potentially up to 35 minutes (long, bleh). but I rather not worry about timing. For exam purposes, and the sake of safety, I think this is a wise move to make. Of course, when the other alternative is to recover, and grind Etincelles again and risk another injury. It didn't turn out so angsty as I thought. My teacher told me, youre still young, recovery will be fast. maybe a couple of days without practice and doin stretching exercises and rubbing cream will solve the problem. Alkan's Barcarolle sounds pretty awesome actually.

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computer confusion

Yesterday I waltzed into courts to buy a notebook. It wasn't an easy task, to be honest. I wanted to get something to replace my desktop. (read my previous post), and with university coming up in a couple of months, it is a good idea to get technically mobile. And they all say that with increasing technology, notebooks aren't those paper computers anymore where you lag out of notepad every few seconds. I haven't used any notebook much, except for my brother's macbook, which hanged much less than my 5 year old dead desktop. I was confused initially. But I had a plan, a simple intuitive plan. Look at the price tags. I was taken aback with the number of models going below 1000SGD. the thought of getting one actually sickens me. To explain myself, I had a history of always getting the best computer in town (and usually costing about 3K, and usually those were HP pavilion desktops with tons of features). but this time round, I'm settling. Wait, I'm settling? I had to struggle with this for awhile. Because after all it simply doesn't make sense to buy something so expensive, and watch it phase out as the newer models catch up at lightning speed. It was a common sense thing. But I had to battle the desire (and pride) of getting/or not getting a high end model. the plan was simple, get a mid range/cheap model, and survive with it, and upgrade when it dies. a fling computer. Then I look at my own needs. I am by no means a high end user. the most I qualify for is a rough computer user. I have a criminal record of making computers hang and die just by multiple firefox windows. My impatience, clicking rapidly even when the computer is already giving up and displaying "not responding", causing things to go haphazard, then finally giving it a karate chop and slamming it down onto the group finally ending with a rolling take down oh well. I was never a delicate user of a computer, and I left my desktop running for years non stop without turning off the power (no wonder it hates me, and it died prematurely somehow, say woots). My usage begins from the simple firefox window, to multiple windows, (usually like about 10 windows?), i have 3 facebook opens for who knows why. and maybe another one or two twitters, and I have some youtube windows, piano forums, and whatever I'm currently doing. (in this case here, tumblr?). Itunes, garena, warcraft 3 (yes the entire Dota package), MSN, bit torrent. And even so, this doesn't qualify for heavy usage does it? So my dad almost coaxed me into getting a Sony model with an I3 processor. that night, I learned the different processors. there were i3, i5 and I7 processor. with each increasing number, it was better. It seemed like I5 was for 'regular usage'. now it would have been about half a day if I bought that Sony model with that I3 processor, and I bet I would not have made it through without flinging the notebook out of the window at least once. Eventually, I got an acer model. 14 inch screen is decent for me. I never liked training my eyes to look away from each other just to catch the pixels on each side. I'm comfortable with small screens, but when a computer is concerned, lagging is a no-no. I am intolerable to the slighest lag and it can piss me off so much that it spoils my day. I upgraded the RAM, so now it has an I7 processor with 8GB ram. I see that this is a very satisfactory stats for a mid range computer. Of course, I have no intention of entering the realms of "gaming computers" or whatsoever. After all, I am just the frequent pubber in club garena. So far, my Internet explorer crashed on me twice. Like seriously. Everything else works fine. Having webcam is a nice plus and I can't wait to skype while playing Dota. The speaker is lackluster but it might be because I'm used to having a speaker system on my desktop with woofers. I am enjoying the portability, and not being confined to my room to surf the net. I am sitting right outside my room at this moment, an hour ago, I was on my roof chilling out. Maybe an hour later I will be surfing facebook on my piano! Portability rocks. And it makes me wonder why I did not get a notebook sooner.

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my desktop is 'sick' now

So sick. Or rather, I suspect that he is playing dead. Usually it lags a little here and there, and then when I open some applications, it hangs. And then, while rebooting, windows does not load (or takes an awfully long time). Sometimes, I give up on it totally and borrow my brother's macbook for awhile. then the next day, I turn my desktop on to find it working perfectly fine. now tell me, since when are computers capable of these so called "mood swings". And whenever I mention buying a new computer, my old desktop would somehow "magically" appear to be totally fine for the next couple of days to "avoid being replaced"? this is too cute. To my old desktop, if you're still playing dead and eavesdropping (via the wireless or something!), you're a goner now. and i'm gonna get a new system to replace you. So you can stop pretending to be dead, acting all emotional, and stop pissing me off. I hate the way you try to grunt, and try to act weak and "chao keng".. Okay, I was half kidding. It's time to buy a new notebook.

I'm not really a fan of macbooks and apple. Apple products, in my humble opinion, lack that versatility, that flexibility. how many times have itunes pissed me off. most of the time, they're being lame with all that "authenticate this Ipod" shit. and all that pseudo copyright protection all that unnecessary stuff. and handling data with ipod and itunes can be like dealing with bombs because you never know WHAM all your data gets deleted. And all that synching doesn't make much sense to me. Cant they just do the usual "drag, copy cut paste" interface that windows does so much better at. Go the extra mile, just to complicate things and not make things any better. And the thing I noticed with all that variations on Ipad, Ipod and Iphone. there is only one home button. no back button or whatsoever. being accustomed to windows, it is very uncomfortable and unintuitive to be unable to "back" when you're in the midst of something. true, all that glam-ness might be worth it. but seriously, it's time they look at their interface. it's actually user-hostile most of the time. overrated. but that is just my 2 cents.  And that was why I kind of got my HTC desire HD over Iphone. the popularity of Iphone is remarkable. but everyone has it. I have an Ipod touch and I am rather familiar with the interface but it is (quite stupid) to get two devices which are like twin brothers except one can surf the net and call. the only thing I regret about the HTC is that the (supposedly 8 megapixel) camera is lackluster, and the recording quality is really shitty. maybe for voice, it works perfectly fine. but when I try to record anything from my acoustic grand, it totally sounds choppy and terrible. Iphone does have pretty nice recording quality. but that is just one small function that only people like me would fuss about.  Enough of that digress.... So i'll probably get a mid range laptop. I was at first thinking of getting Alienware (like some 3.5K laptop) but my dad convinced me I don't need such a high powered laptop when the only game I play is Dota and I don't really use graphics intensive programs! (and he said games are a waste of a time, probably quite true. I sleep earlier when my com is down and I wake up more refreshed!). Mid range, probably 2k?). And I have yet to shortlist any models, but as far as I know. No mac book for me. (and the irony here is that I am typing this with a mac book!)  I haven't been blogging a lot. My writing momentum somehow went down the drain somewhere last week. I have more to say actually, but in order for this post not to get too random. I shall stop here and leave some inspiration for the more posts to come. 

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Being 21

I turned 21 yesterday. Had a party, it was awesome. But life still goes on. Being 21 just makes one vulnerable to more problems. With more freedom, comes more problems and headaches. Transiting into adulthood is an experience that people look forward to, but I rather remain a child, a teenager, a youth. Despite whining so much nothing can be done. the only solace is that 21 is just a number, i can still be young at heart. It is actually quite amusing how we celebrate each time we draw closer to death. It's funny actually.

But I had fun, enjoyed the company of my friends (from all over the place). Enjoyed the food, the atmosphere. More problems will come in pretty soon. You don't have to be a fortune teller to be able to tell because soon, university starts, homework comes in. everyday I have to go to school (pretty bad eh). and then, few more years down the road, the real "working life" starts to kick in. And there and then, I will start to fret over a thousand and one problems which I cannot comprehend right now. Can you imagine. WORK, like wearing that uncomfortable formal attire to an office where you can't just sleep or play card games the whole day. that is unthinkable! I mean, it's an office where you really have to do work. Life will be terrible for anything that is not slack is terrible. I really don't know whether I should use Barney '"Challenge accepted" here and now. I believe what I mentioned is just the tip of the ice berg. Tomorrow I will be starting my driving lessons. And the license is pretty useless when I don't own a car. Of course, I can borrow a car here and there from my parents. But I still don't own a freaking car. Cars don't drop from the heavens do they. (luckily they don't, come to think of it). But seriously. Do I even have to buy my own car next time? My own house. Oh my.

The future looks bleak. 10 years of basic education, 4 more years of specialized education. and an eternity of working and slogging. don't seem so good eh. Oh and I almost forgot, 2 years of Slavery. Is it just me or I feel that the good things in this world ain't worth all the time and effort. Forgive me because it is in my style to celebrate my birthday with such cynicism. So much that I could be singing "UNhappy birthday" instead. Alright, to be fair. I am pretty happy. They say life is not a bed of roses. Time to go to the flower shop....

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Things I wanna play in the next few years

Im kinda bored. And I was "fantasizing' Assuming everything goes well and I pass my ATCL.

Here are the stuff I wanna play for LTCL. Bach-Busoni Toccata and Fugue D minor Beethoven Op 31-2 'Tempest' D minor Chopin Polonaise in A flat major (heroic) Liszt La Campanella (for real this time) Scriabin Etude in D# Minor

This is gonna be a big leap.(i think the timing has exceeded btw) Even when I pass my ATCL, it doesn't guarantee that I will be able to play these. There are a lot of fierce repertoire that I want to try. But given that I am currently struggling with my ATCL pieces (seems like trying to nail a piece and get high marks is totally different from "just playing"). Facing the music seriously and looking at the score like a man is really no joke.

But seriously i wonder if I'll be able to play stuff like Chopin's winter wind EVER in my life. it seems totally out of reach. There are a lot of stuff on the list I want to learn. but that means many many thousands of hours of hard work and just to be an semi outstanding amateur. For fun laughter peace and joy, and emotional sanity. I will strive to be better and better.

While the fire is still burning. I will get down to practice more.

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Pandemonium

I wanted to do a comprehensive, detailed blog post about my relief teaching experience today. But deciding that I have two days to go (I have a 3 day temp contract), I shall save it till when I'm perfectly done. To sum today. Bad day, wrong tactics. Surprising classes. Hell lot of noise. And totally wrong approach. I got emotional and pissed. Which was wrong also. I should have just ignored everybody for that 65 bucks. Now I am still bothered, annoyed (slightly) and a little traumatized. Everything made worst by that 1 hour per trip plus having to wear formal. No mood to do anything. Dead sleepy. Tired. (not enough rest last night!). no mood to do anything, restless. feeling bad. and the bad aftertaste of a normal tech class still lingers in my head. Oh well. lesson learned. being a teacher is not my thing.

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Embracing my unemployment

Unemployment. Sweeeet. Waking up at whenever I want to. I can like wake up at 1pm and decide to sleep for another 2 hours. (that really happened). and today I just ate my "indented" lunch and it's 7 in the evening. Basically my life is quite simple. I try to exercise daily. And since my knee is (hopefully temporarily) injured and I am rendered lame, I swim almost everyday. This usually takes up a huge bit of my afternoon. (including going to the gym). Other than that, I try to do piano practices about at least 2 hours per day. 3 hours is considered average, but 2 is minimum. Fall below 2 hours and I really die of guilt at the end of the day. By the end of this month I am already expected to play the entire recital head to toe like a real performance. Now that not only makes me stressed, it sends chills up my spine. My ideal 4 hours per day still hits and kicks off well sometimes, but i admit I am losing my steam. NS was a big barrier for me. Being a stay-in soldier, it was hard to find practice time. Usually I book out on Friday and have my lesson on Saturday morning. I found it actually quite miraculous how I managed to sneak in practice time here and there. After a day's work in camp, it's even harder to practice. Wonder how I made it all the way here.

I've always thought that once I finish up national service and have all the time to myself, I would "naturally" practice more. But no. I still maintain the same level of "practice discipline'. The 6 hours a day or the "eat and sleep beside the piano" does not exist (or never materialized). Maybe that's why I need more of the healthy stress, or anxiety to keep me going. I am taking things too easy. While my friends are working, or slogging away for that 6 buck per hour pay. I am enjoying my life, taking things easy. While having the option of doing relief teaching/tuition teaching, I never seem to be able to go out of my comfort zone. Working is a hard concept to grasp. really. I never like to bow my heads down as a an employee when to be frank, I don't really fancy that few bucks per hour. And extra few hundreds a month can't buy me a bosendorfer, nor a steinway. it can't even get me a car. So maybe it's just for the experience. the fun of it. That's all the meaning in it, after all. Can't imagine doing odd jobs, really. Life's great now. The epitome of freedom and the ultimate relaxing experience. Do whatever you want, whenever you want (real world laws and physics laws apply though, disclaimer to my "ultimate freedom") It is lukewarm and enjoyable.

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Yawning and typing

Let me end this day with a blog post.

Recently this is how my life is. The first thing I do each morning is to actually go back to sleep. And there I sleep for another like 2 hours and I wake up. On good days, I find myself awake before noon. Otherwise it's at least 1200 or later. I lazily drag my body downstairs where I ask for the 'menu' for breakfast. Usually it's the same thing. Bread with ham or bread with whatever I can name. More often than not, I end up eating lunch though. Sluggishly I get on computer after a bathe and freshening up. On a typical day, I never like to go to the piano first thing in the morning. Checking facebook and twitter are usually the first thing I do. Sometimes when the mood calls for it, I play one round of Dota. Or I go randomly surfing the net, watching youtube videos for about an hour or so before I go down to practice my piano. My exam is in like say 2 months. (it's actually 3, but my dad encourages me to pressurize myself). So I do runs of a few pieces here and there, work and grind a bit of the trickier passage. I only practice up to 1 hour each time because I always try to tell myself I should not burn out early in the day. I aim to do 4 sessions of 1 hour each day but usually I cannot accomplish it if for some reason I leave the house to go somewhere or do something. So it's this cycle on and off again. With breaks for lunch, dinner etc. Time zooms pass pretty quick. I haven't been running in the evening due to pure laziness but I certainly have to if not I am doomed for Sundown this May. A week have passed and usually my days are filled with a mini-event of a few hours. I watched "Rango" a couple of days ago. A weird film about a lizard who saved a shabby down from dehydration. A pretty stupid show for those who want to waste their time. It's the kind of show that tries to act clever and philosophical but it sucks too bad. I really don't get the point of the show, pretty overrated stuff. It sucks even for a normal movie to be frank. Since my days are all the same now I pretty much have lost my sense of Mondays and Fridays. I only know that I attended a birthday party on one evening/night, had my extra piano lesson on another night, and I went to see houses today. Speaking of houses, there always seem to have one bad thing about a house that makes it a deal breaker. One of the houses we saw today had a power station right in front of it while having other properties totally "confining" it into a lonely claustrophobic confinement. The master bed room's window opens up to your neighbor's laundry area where his colorful underwear is hung out to dry. not very nice eh. Another house we saw today was pretty cute in the sense that it looked miserable from the front. No grandiose porch, no garden, nothing. But upon entering we realized the garden is at the back. It was a pretty neat spacious living room (with no furniture), polished white floor and decent chandeliers accompanied by a beautiful garden right at the back of the house. (the living space allows you to enjoy the scenery because of transparent sliding doors). But however, the house was too near the public road which is apparently noisy. I have learned quite a lot just by tagging along. Apart from grandiose fantasies and spatial visualization skills, I have learned quite a bit about market pricing of properties (though it is very surface level). I have seen quite a fair bit, from 10 million dollar houses (though intensely marked up and luxuriously decorated and furnished) to current live-in houses with senior citizen owners. (the kind of house you step in and never consider buying perhaps). It is indeed an eye opener and a fun experience.

It's almost 3am and I have piano lesson tomorrow early in the morning. I should really be sleeping. Coffee works wonders but I should never be too dependent on it.

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My long overdue regret

I have actually more to do than I think. First thing I did when I woke up today was to re-apply for university. (but in actual fact, the first thing I did was to go back to sleep for another hour but heck). I wanted to change my course from Electronic Engineering to Material Engineering. My grades are quite horrible, but it still grants me a desperate place in the local Uni. that is a life saver because going through NS with a Uni spot and without, makes a big difference to morale, and obviously what people think of you. (beats the "i don't know, never got accepted anywhere".)

Knowing what you are capable to achieve is painful when you look at what you actually got. My JC days were a mess. I went to school most of the time to sleep. I totally screwed my practicals which were counted in A'levels itself. I was complacent, didn't do my tutorials, ponned lectures. Believing I can pull a fast one on Cambridge by putting in some last minute mini-effort that saved the day again. I was wrong. And yet, I still kind of think I deserve a better grade for just being me. I guess I have severe misjudgment of my own ability, believing I can actually not study and get good results. For my lack of effort, for my lack of attentiveness and care for this thing called 'study' and 'my future', I still believed I should at least get some A's. I must have thought myself to be a genius. Which I am unfortunately not. Now I know, to get good grades, you have to study. This may seem like common sense to others. When I got my horrible results, I kind of blamed my natural ability. I was thinking all the while,"if I was super ubber talented with a photographic memory, I wouldn't have gotten such grades." I can study 1 minute and ace a test. Two years ago, I blamed everything except my lack of effort. From the fact that I should have gone to Arts Stream or the fact that I should have used pilot G2 so that my handwriting would look nicer and I would be given more marks. I was so diligent in finding excuses for myself. I was haughty and still believed in my "intelligence" for so long despite being from a 2nd-rate college and not being very academic sound for most of my life. Why did I not realize that in order to do well-you have to study.

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Transition, here I come

Things I'm gonna try to do from now until University starts.

Learn driving. (yes this long overdue thing. I have a military class 3 so this should be swift. but I always tend to procrastinate the easy stuff. If I fail my TP, I swear I will never drive again in my life, nah I'm just kidding I'm gonna learn manual anyway.)

Practice my piano real hard (going to have double lessons soon in lieu of upcoming exam. I can't deny I am freaking out! :x)

Run, run and run (my knee is healing right now. but I have three runs upcoming in the next few months. 2xu compression run of 12km, 100plus run of 25km and finally Sundown of 42km! Grr. I better start running and I hope my knee heals soon)

Weights/badminton/swim(??) (I have a craving for badminton now. And maybe I plan to join the social badminton in Uni. So why not...I just started swimming with a wild idea that I may try a triathlon in the far far away future. but my brother just killed the idea by an epic description of the pains of swimming in the sea for 2km and how far that actually is. and also, no more camp gym, so I probably have to use the condo gym on my own initiative)

Teach tuition? Maybe it's time to earn my own pocket money with a pseudo real job. I have always wanted to try this. but this is the right time I guess. But with a lot of other (some recreational, and just for the sake of fun) things going around, I may just give up on money making opportunities to play pokemon at night.

Play Pokemon? Do not LOL me, nor scoff at me. I just bought Pokemon Black and I think it is awesome. Have you ever wondered why this game top charts sometimes and even outshines those games on real hardcore consoles with ubber graphics? You gotta start thinking man. Because this is a simple game that makes me happy. This is not going to be priority, but man, this game is just awesome.

Have an awesome 21st birthday Enough said.

Overseas holiday around June? (perhaps?)

Play some Dota, watch some dramas. And live in self denial thinking that they are not a waste of time. they are, but sometimes dramas can be awesome and no one can ever deny that.

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I can't stop smiling...

I'm going to post about how this day finally turned out

I awoke abruptly in the middle of the night with a realization. Crap, I forgot to print out some documents, namely the ORD quiz which is a requirement. So I hastily set up the printer, and everything which was really chaotic considering the lack of light, and lack of sleep. my fatigue mind got things working surprisingly fast and well. this must be the magic of a person going to ORD in an hour or so. And also, there was this tradition of buying treats for your understudies and people still in camp! I had no idea what I was going to buy! Seriously, it was like still early and probably the things that come to your mind like donuts or the usual stuff ain't open yet. So after brain storming, I finally went down later on the way to camp to the petrol kiosk to get some petrol cakes and puffs from polar. which I think, was an appropriate choice. I arrived late in camp, But who gives a toot about being late now. I literally waltzed into the camp where I see some people having a staff parade. Who cares man. Finally I was signing my final clearance! they gave us a red folder, and a certificate of service with a testimonial and a list of all the courses that I have attended. As a pioneer/man, I probably have nothing interesting. As I peeked into my spec's folder I could see that he even got grades for all the specialist course he attended. And gosh, it looked like A'levels once again. (just that his army grades probably was better than those Cambridge gave him! hah)

Had to go to a few places. Return my camp pass, and finally got back my beloved pink friend. I mean, right now. Pink for us, is a symbol of freedom. it's not longer a feminine colour. And as of today, pink is a color for men. As the clerk was giving out our cards from a stash of oxygen deprived (and sunlight too) Pink ICs, I couldn't stop smiling. I was like grinning from like my forehead to my forehead. My smile could almost form a circle. Gosh, i wasn't really feeling happiness like as if it's the normal standard happy feeling thingy. it wasn't even a yay feeling. but I just kept smiling! I was like smiling as I talked, smiling as I walked, and smiling permanently. I can't stop it even if I wanted to. Freedom, in true form. It was a quiet Friday morning. It was no longer good bye, but bye for good. (I hope, at least). Signed out on the book out book for the last time and dealing the coup de grace. the red line slashed over the "expected time in" and the words in bold, " ORD". It started to drizzle on the way out. It left a sad melancholic impression of the camp, which was where almost 2 years was spent. How many times have i walked that route, but this will be my last.

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the night before...

I am literally a night's rest away from my ORD. Tomorrow I will waltz into camp with my camp pass and out with my PINK IC. How cool is that.

On this very date exactly two years ago, I was lying on the same bed contemplating my fate. Uncertainty, anxiety and all sorts of worries came pouring into my head as I try to coax myself into sleep. Today, I've finally reached the end of the tunnel, where the radiant light reveals the oh so wonderful future. the shackles of imprisonment finally released and once again, I am a free man. People always ask, how long is two years. the answer is depends. For me, I really found the two years excruciatingly long and it is by far, the longest two years ever in my life. the months never felt so long before, the weeks never felt so everlasting and the days felt insanely perpetual. tomorrow, 8am, is where all this ends. Before I continue into my obsessive dramatization of this very magical date, I should acknowledge the benefits of leading an army life. the pace of life is slow. really slow. I have to admit that my vocation is not exactly tough, yet it is not as relaxed and laid back as clerks or storemen. I have a proper combat fit vocation and I am speaking as a PES A personnel. I probably lead an average stay-in life, with occasional outfields, and the standard perks like the twice a week nights out. A day in camp is much less tiring than a day in school. And when I say school, I speak from Junior college experience. As a student, weekends aren't always weekends but as an NSF, weekends are truly yours. Life in camp can be sometimes fairly good as well. When there is nothing, there is nothing. Therefore, the slow pace of life, and boredom in abundance, free food, free exercise, free gym and so on and so forth can add up to a nice, slow paced, relaxing lifestyle.

But all these does not change the fact that tomorrow will be a sweet, happy occasion. For despite the relaxing life the government has given me, I'd rather go back to my real life and do what I ought to be doing. In someway or another, I will miss the army life which had me enslaved for the past two years. Not so the outfield or route marches but the good moments like saying good night to the world at 6pm in the evening. Sometimes leading an entire day without using your brain at all can be nice. It's time people, to move into the civilian light where I have to stop using words and phases like indent, water parade, 7 hours of rest and extras. Granted, all these are hard to forget. Really.

I don't know how am I supposed to feel. I feel as if I have prepared for this date so much that I don't feel much at all now. It's like, I have rehearsed a countless time in my head how tomorrow will feel, such that I don't feel a single thing anymore. it's numb, period. The further you stretch a rubber band, the further it will fly. this used and abused rubber band, stretched to its maximum limit, and dying to fly, is finally to be shot tomorrow. and watch how it soars. An imprisoned bird, caged and sad, finally released to the wild. Freedom. A very simple word that we always like to use. but i guess tomorrow defines it. totally. I still remember one hot warm sunday afternoon where I was lying at the guard room's bed, trickling with disgusting perspiration, can't fall asleep and dying of boredom. I was staring at my calender for two whole hours. It was still Jan 2010, and it was a long way to go. I still remember my first two weeks in tekong. During the "confinement" period. it was painful, and long. and never ending. the first night where I couldn't sleep. the panic when I drowned my hand phone with my leaking water bottle (my only means of comms with the outside world people!). Every gloomy morning, the tekong wind felt so lonely and chilly. the pace was fast and every moment it was somebody shouting at a recruit and sometimes it was me. I still remember my first book out from tekong. Where it was bittersweet as I knew it was temporal "happiness". And very soon, I found myself in a book in book out cycle lasting almost 100+ weeks. I still remember my first two weeks in Seletar. It was regimental as we were still trainees. It was terribly long. there was still 77 weeks if I remember correctly. I was depressed everyday I woke up like a giant boulder in my heart. I just staggered on hoping each day that pass will slowly but surely lessen that load. Regimentation then was terrible, but slowly it got better. I still remember the driving course. where I would get anal-ed everyday by the civilian instructor who gave no shit about a person's dignity and pride. they were uncivilized "civilian" instructors (no pun intended), who had to pass soldiers for the sake of their own "pay increment". we were their pawns and they were relentlessly cruel with their words. I hated them, I loathed the stress and I abhorred the entire one month I spent trying to pass my "military driving test". Finally, I passed at the FIFTH time. I am untalented really. But who cares. Slowly and gradually. the days in army started to settle down. The remaining days were mostly very standard days. Weeks had 'normal do nothing days" filled with events sometime. Range, Close combat training, Exercises, random trainings and so on and so forth. the so called "unit life".

Enter September 2010. Where I spent two weeks in Thailand. I still remember the warm hot afternoon standing in front of a bloody crate unloading our dear stores which we had painstakingly transported from Singapore. it was so hot and I remember feeling perma-dehydrated. the canteen was legendary there, I remember the transvestites as vendors, the array of pirated army t-shirts and the legendary yacult flavoured bubble tea which was awesome! All the way till now. I'm not going to shit anybody and say it was a swift 2 years. It was long, hell long people. And i'm glad it's all over now. But I have learned a lot in this process. Tomorrow, I will close this chapter.

[kingtoot-blog]

Not five, but four

I can count the remaining work days with the fingers on one hand. And guess what, I don't even need my thumb! Recently I am thankful that all that abrupt conflict is dying down. it's cease fire mode now. back to peace. What I have been up to (aka."Route to ORD")

Clearance (signatures)

Returning stores and bed sheet

HIV blood test

Dental checkup

ORD quiz

Bringing home full battle order & misc items

clear E-mart credits

I am left with...

Final medical review

De-kit my rifle

Final signature

Getting my Pink IC

Next week is going to be my last week in camp. I've been staying out recently, which surprisingly makes a huge difference! To digress! Anyway. here are my OMB challenge timings! 10km timing -> 50:46m 30 floor climb timing-> 08:32m (inclusive of about 200m to the building) Total OMB challenge timing->58:41m Rank-> 66/597 ranked participants plus a page or two of people who probably didn't finish.

[kingtoot-blog]

no such thing as a winning battle

The recent few days have been epic. Negatively epic. And I've learned a lot of lessons. Imagine, There was a small fire. The kind that you can destroy with a slipper. But you panic. You call the entire fire brigade and a battalion of firemen down. armed with their mighty hoses and powerful sprays, they attempt to take down the fire from outside. you claim there's this big big big fire inside. so they spray. and end up, they flood the whole place in attempt to put out a nonexistent fire. I did something equally stupid yesterday. I waged war. I embraced conflict. But I used a big artillery gun to take down only one 'enemy'. I fired the gun, and then it was where I regretted my actions. While the missile was being flown in the air, in that split second. I realized how grave my actions could have been. the consequences would be on 'those people', and also on myself. What made me think that the people whom I set the artillery on would take it easy and not fight back. Very soon I would have a part of me blown off. And even if that didn't happen, I would suffer sleepless nights waiting for that to happen. I should have managed conflict properly. Wars should be avoided at all cost. That was the biggest thing I've learned. And never act so rashly ever again. Thankfully, nothing happened. No such thing as a winning battle. When a war is fought, people lose in one way or another.

[kingtoot-blog]

OMB Challenge '11

This is my first hand experience of the OMB challenge '11. My first actual run. Held on 27th Feb 2011, OMB challenge comprises of a 30 level vertical climb following a 10km run. Honestly, it did not sound very daunting at first. My bunk in camp is like on the sixth floor, and my house alone is four floors high. I had utmost confidence from my daily experience in climbing stairs. 10km, is a okay distance. not too far, not too short either. just the perfect distance. but I have been always curious about how climbing an entire building of 30 floors will feel like. And, is it really tiring if you do that after a 10km run. it was not a run, of health, nor fun laughter peace and joy. it was a run of curiosity. It was still dark when we arrived. I can't really make out what's on the other side since I am very generally unfamiliar with this side of Singapore. I dragged my sleeping legs along with my half asleep face, and standing there, I kind of started to contemplate my fate. I had not run in a week. and I have been indulging in like chocolate cakes, ice cream, sweet drinks for that exact time I have been out of action. all that is going to make one fat, but it does affect 'stamina', and fitness as well. I mean, you can't run when you're feeling greasy from oily fried unhealthy food. I didn't feel good about the run, not at all. It was like 6am in the morning. this is the exact time I wake up in camp. But I had been awoke since an hour ago. and that hour was spent finding socks, packing towels, bringing extra shirts, charging my phone, ensure I brought my IC and then realizing I had forgot to buy that running shoes that Ive been talking about for sometime. I had no choice, but to get that lousy shoe which I had been running for my casual runs on a normal day, put on my army pt-kit (yea, poor me. I don't have other singlets). Well, for a first run. I was poorly prepared. My mileage this month was also bad. Probably around 40km at most in total, excluding the run this fateful day. that averages out to a pathetic 1km+ per day, which is almost negligible. My 20km runs were about 2 months ago, and my current runs only went up to 8km at most. I've been lazy, so shoot me. At some points, I saw some fellow runners sporting this belly. or they looked too wrinkled to be running. I actually had to psych myself up. if they can do this, I can too. What a mean way to be hyping myself up. At the location, I found myself stuck in between two groups of people. My brother and Ronald, who is our mutual friend and pH who is my ex-camp mate who used to run, exercise, static exercise, gym quite a lot with me during our time in NS. Soon, I realized it was difficult to gel both 'groups' of people together unlike my initial thought that it would work out. I gave up, and decided to stick with pH. The booths/tentages were just like a classic 'festival'. though the previous real run that I have been to (army half marathon) was pretty much more hyped up that this one. this was a minor run, and I don't think there were as many participants as other major runs. Soon, the dark sky cleared. Sunrise at Marina. Wonderful. We were treated to doing mass "fanciful" dance-like warm up led by a random guy in front. I refused to do the warm up because it didn't really stretch anything most of the time, and it makes you look dumb. Well, some people more accustomed to all that hula hula punch to the air kind of warm up were doing it as if it was something normal. And I gave my usual the damned face of shock at them as I tried to mimic but to no avail. I decided I would rather look more like a spoil sport than a psycho motor freak. But in that mass fanciful warm up's defense, some of the exercises did stretch us quite a bit. Without this initiative, I doubt I would have warmed up. I am the sort who goes out to run initially with cold muscles. They told us to go into position and line up. We decided not to start too front because we're not really competitive anyway. We just hoped to end this race in one piece. So we found a good spot, and started quite decently at the middle. The people. Most of them were actually young to middle aged. there were surprisingly quite a lot of females runners. :P (more than I have thought, at least more than the army half marathon. which is, like duh). There were different categories. 10km, 5km and OMB challenge which is the 10km PLUS the vertical challenge. We were in the vertical challenge for those who are still lost at this point. They fired the gun. (but hey, honestly, I didn't hear it). it was sardine hell at first. people squeezing. this was where you had to weave in and out of the participants to get ahead of the crowd. I did. and it was hard because I had to make sure pH and me were still running together. I was actually planning to stick with him, at first for most of the race. At least, the population wasn't entirely male. there were almost half female, half male. And my past bad experiences with the army half marathon was that you would be rubbing your sweaty shoulders with another guy and another guy and another guy who has the same stinky armpit hair as you.  this is not so nice. when you get out of the sardine packed horde of stomping men, I swear that 90% of the sweat on your body is not yours. this time round, and honestly, with girls, I don't really mind. (hey this is the law of attraction that gave birth to you, so embrace it.) And for the record, I did manage to finish the race without making much physical contact with people. That was the start. Soon, 5 minutes, no. less than that. we were in a more private zone. but there were still ladies ahead of me. I was still sticking to pH only until my brother caught up with me. And as he zoomed, I told myself. don't chase don't chase. Background information. My brother can run 2.4km in less than 9 minutes. He recently won 2nd in his school cross country and he is probably twice as fit as I am. So, chasing was suicide. I didn't want to burn out early. So I stuck to my pace. And I trailed him. We were about 20 meters apart for most of the first 3-4km. (he claimed that that did not happen at the end of the race, but hey. I am looking in front and you're looking in front too. I see you and you don't have eyes at your back. now who's right. use your brain!) I abandoned pH quite a while into the 5km. But it was where i started to suffer stitches (without lido) and a little ab ache. (which is rare for me actually). I began a struggle of walk-run-walk run. My walks lasted only about 5 seconds each time but it was a 'refresher'. The unfamiliar route killed me the most. it was like running in a dream. you don't know where you are, and you don't know where it'll end. your pace, and pace tactics all unstable.

I kept looking around for clues here and there. Looking at the Singapore flyer gave me an illusion that I was near, but by no means those small roads were petty distances. I asked the marshaller along the route here and there and I received conflicting information from the two which I asked. I ran, I asked one guy and he said I'm done with 7km. I asked, the next guy about 1km ahead of the previous guy and he told me I had 6km left to go. It was not a matter of who's right. but I decided not to ask anybody anything anymore. heads down, feeling all so cheated and cynical. i ran on. I do not know if it was deliberate but somehow most of the marshaller were female. they did not hire models nor hot cheerleaders but they were 'normal' girls. like those girl next door type. probably from a local poly or something. I have to admit, some were adorably cheering people on. Which was a nice feel to the event. Only one incident that kind of pissed me of was this. at some 5-6km point and it was a bend, I could hear people cheering loudly. At that instance I asked myself "is it ending?" or was it the 'last stretch'. of course, some common sense of distance makes it absurd for a 10km run to be only 5-6km short. but it was the disillusioned mind of a swelling and sweating body running in the hot morning sun. (heard of mirages?) I turned at the bend only to find out. there was a sign that said congrats on reaching the half way point. And now, finally to the fun part. Usually in a 10km run, I would sprint at some point onwards to the end. But this time, I had to admit I was quite tired from the lack of preparation. and what's more, a gigantic building was awaiting me. And so I only raised my pace a little, followed the barricades and the randomly stationed cisco officers lined up at random spots to the back alley of the NTUC building (which I would eventually overcome). It was not a staircase of grandiose that I had imagined. it was a stuffy stairway that could fit only maybe two people at most at it's maximum horizontal width. The claustrophobic experience was fine, but it was stuffy. and the evident lack of oxygen only made worst by the fellow stinky smelly runners panting as hard as you. It was a gruesome climb. I ran up five floors only to realized it was impossible to be leaping all the way up. I was convinced I could somehow run up at first, but I tried, and it was miserably difficult. The stuffiness was the main factor to why it was so hard. it was like being stuck somewhere, and it was this never ending flight of stairs. it was like a deprived plant trying to grow out of the overgrowth for some of the very needed sunlight. air was scarce. and I was afraid. I was already fatigued. but my legs were still going. it was aching, granted, but they were moving fine. I slowly took my time after awhile. I gave up on my rapid climb but decided to walk up like the lift was broken. I took some water on the marshaller stationed on random floors hoping that I would feel less breathless from the water. it worked, actually. I was actually drinking water and climbing the stairs. 30 floors. and I thought it was easy. At the last few floors. I was shouting out loud the number of floors left. pH later on commented that it sounded like moaning because of the echo-ing. It was so gruesome, so breathless. and so excruciatingly stuffy and crammed. At random floors there were random ventilators and there were people resting there, they eyes looked they were completely zoned out. I swear this lack of air could make people pass out. Finally. the light at the end of this vertical tunnel. I emerged into the light (yes the staircase was pretty gloomy!). And I was so blur when some people started taking my arm and put a band around it. there were people on the "roof garden" already. I saw my brother, who thinks he got top 25. I don't know my placing, nor my timing because they haven't emailed me yet. but I'm probably only about 5minutes away from him. It was a fun run. As usual, feels good after each run. the crammed staircase of doom was a good experience. Later on, we visited the booths, got our goodies bag which had nothing good in it. a finisher's tee which was, actually quite decent. Now, I really want to know my timing, placing. and whatever shit I need to know.

And according to my estimate. my 10km run should be under an hour, maybe 50 minutes. I have no idea how long my climb took cause I was concentrating on breathing. (breath in! breath out! ahahaa) Now there's a 12km run in April. time to sign up!