kipaparappa

[kipaparappa]

Recently my inner child has been emerging quite often. I cried like how I used to cry when I was a kid, whining, and squeezing my heart. It feels incredibly lonely. I haven't got anything going on since I left my last job so that's why a lot of thoughts from the past are spiraling inside my head. The incident of when that group friends from grade 10 whom I knew very well that we were extremely tired of each other, the words that I said to them being scapegoated so they can turn their backs at me. I dont mind the later incident, but lately my mind has been visiting whether I said was true or not. Whatever it is, they were actually crueler for doing what they did and I shouldn't fall into their trap. But my mind can't help to villainize myself in any twisted way possible. Knowing so well that I hardly feel any self-worth...

And mom. This is where the inner child keep appearing. I am still recovering from my mom's gaslighting that was performed for years during my teens. Maybe I also learnt from her for how difficult I find myself to let go my mistake, or anybody else's. Because she taught me so. Lately the bad memories of her words of intimidation have been emerging in my head and I couldn't help to cry like a kid. I truly don't want this to continue because I am the only one who's experiencing great torture while she won't even get to be aware of how big a trauma she caused me with. I just want to be free, free from her, free to live my life. Please give me a chance to redeem my life.. please change my life and perspective that life can be much more than being stuck in the past... please make me believe that life is worth living again... but if its not, then sent me back to underground. I am truly dead exhausted to soothe my heart and delude my pain away to think that maybe... maybe someday I will find a light on this tunnel and life will be okay again...

Dear mom, I am lonely. Will you ever know how your daughter from outside the door feeling so hollow? we are just a door apart and yet you are so far away...

[kipaparappa]

I cant believe its been 10 years since i made this blog to loathe out my disappointment towards mom. and everything remains the same, still.

Growing up I never really felt like I was allowed to taste happiness. Probably because of my oversensitivity, probably because my dad would go over making competition over who suffered the most when we were around the same age, probably because I always desire to be independent since I was young. Truly who evoked me to ever feel so? I watched my mom growing up hating on herself very vigorously. Looking back I can tell that she was anxious and depressed. She would go over claiming that she should've not been born. I was a child and I could never crack the cryptic messages she dropped here and there through her gesture, her words, or every interactions we shared. She hated her life, her past, and she would make me look like a royalty so she could enforce the role 'slave' onto herself to fish for my sympathy. I remember vividly when she explained her name having the word literal "mother" to it, and still successfully twist it out, making it that she was destined to be a mother, to be someone who will always stand at the back, just like what a servant do. I still don't know how, but it engraved deeply in me that I might as well just don't deserve anything at all.

The worst part of my childhood was gaslighting. It was very intense. She would do that when we argue, when we had big fights with tears and a sharp pang in m heart. The gaslighting was intended to guilt trap me so that I could give up my anger and apologize. I think that is the truest reason on why I remain struggling finding my self worth to this very day. To find the reason why do I even need to stay alive. Because I need to be responsible for all the misfortune of hers, all the frown, the tears, while I was indeed the creature of hell. The goal is to make me kneel down, repent, and apologize. I was an emotion's dump machine. So what's there for me to lose? I was never allowed to feel whole either. I was broken and flawed from the very start. As a child all I ever needed was closure. To sit down eye-to-eye. To talk it out and find the tangled string. To be enlighten that making mistake got no shame for me to keep holding onto. But no. I had to be locked up in my room, chocking up my tears until my sister came to tell me to apologize, to beg for her mercy, to plead for her to keep taking me as one of her children...

Writing paragraph evoke a lot of unspoken trauma.. it took me an hour to finish going through numerous emotional breakdowns. But anyway now I'm on my way turning 27. And things remained the same for the worse. We are way too old for arguing about my childhood traumas. But she never changes. I desperately want to separate myself from her. Yet I still don't have my own life. I kept being rejected by life. And I truly feel on the edge. I'm old and life is not worth living anymore. I want to end everything. Heaven and hell are the same. I just want to stop myself from hoping that better days will come because it won't

[kipaparappa]

January 2024

It's been very bad so far

and we are a week or so to leave the month

I started the year off with heartbreak that I never thought would hit me harder that it should. I spend first week of my heartbreak chocked off my emotion randomly throughout the day. I tried to kill my own feelings for thousand times, but my hopeful heart still lingers in the air.

Now January 23rd, just had my worst mentoring session of my life. After I saw that bitch face popping up in my social media, i started seeking for help. I contacted several mentors and made myself clear in my message of my condition being extremely vulnerable. The first mentor was lovely, she encouraged me, told me that everything I needed to hear. But the second girl my oh my.. I was stoned to death. I was okay with cold shoulder, but the way she kept on putting the blame on me even after I cut the session off.. said that I was wasting her time, not even knowing what to talk about. It pierced really harshly into my skin and I hate it. The bigger hate I have is now I have to reply back with even more apologies because she cornered me with blame and I had to acknowledge, validate her accusation and pledge for apology for that. I hate the fact that I have to be a bigger person. I hate the fact that I have to accommodate to her needs of her complaints. She is the one who's dragging me off, why should I be lowering my head??? I hate it.. but no matter how much I hate it, I have to be the better person out of this situation. I hate everything. I want to be a jerk like she is.

maybe this is the punishment for me because I still recognize his voice and little habits he had. I didn't even know he was engaged. why do I have to carry the burden of the world on my shoulder??

[kipaparappa]

Will I be alright? Will I make it through? Is there still a place left for me? I dont even know what I want anymore

[kipaparappa]

he got married.. its another case of the one who makes my dream come true is not me..

For some reason i feel extremely heartbroken because i have been feeling madly in love with him. Imagining his smile, imagining holding his hands, hugging him, kissing his forehead.. i started to believe in love, believe that i am worthy of love and is forgiven have someone who will love me more than life.. i felt secure listening to his voice, it’s just.. i dont know..

I feel very unloved as soon as i got exposed to the news

Now i feel incredibly lonely..

Will my prince come, someday?

Will I ever experience what it truly feels like to be alive? To have my own life? To be in control? To be precious? To be needed?

By typing those questions, i can feel a knife stabbing couple hundred times..

It hurts..

Dear god is life even worth living anymore?

Please show me it is

[kipaparappa]

For that I don't think I will be able to become a mother someday

I have always been lonely since the time I can't even remember. Sometimes loneliness came in how cold my body felt, weird tingling, jolt, even smell that I used to hate as a child. I barely ever experience the surge of that emotion like I did as an adult but loneliness turns into something that I live with, like a background, like air.

The first time I was ever introduced by dr Penny this conception of "inner child" was truly overwhelming. As a child, I used to have thousands of questions. As I see danish growing up, I could see my reflection in him on how I used to behave as a child. difference is now people are warmed up, more loving, we got a lot more resources. Not that I want to acclaim that my childhood was filled with money constraint but I was met with a lot of emotional turmoil that never had any chance to find their resolutions.

I was highly intelligent as a child. Even I acknowledge my own emotional maturity since early age. The only difference is that now I learnt on how to shut up and let go. people often labeled me as emotional and dramatic, but truly all I ever wanted was closure. My family, mom to be precise, did a lot of questionable things. And I am that type of bastard who desperately needed to make sense over every little things. I hate that part about me, on how desperately I feel the needs of connecting every dots. I don't know what was the exact reason, probably because I have been very good at composing words that are meant to kill, but argue is something my mom would kill to avoid. I don't know if it's because she her feelings of love was fluctuating as it was truly exhausting to bear and raise a child, but there are times when I felt severely unloved. I have had an independent desire since I was young, but the only times I ever wanted to feel the love, she neglected me.

I have faced with a lot of life-threatening conditions throughout my early years, it was truly difficult for me to survive, but these emotional absence will never be comparable with all those illness. Because I carry the scars till the day I lay upon my eternal rest. And it's going to haunt me till then. Whenever I try to make a scene over something, it truly was for a reason. It's so strange how things I experienced since I was really really small still left an open wound to a soon-to-be-30 me. The most painful ones are in my school years. There are a lot that I still clearly remember. When I was sad she would called me out for hitting puberty, or put me in a new school, expressed her discontent towards anything I was passionate about. When I was about to graduate highschool, there was not any single day that went by where I didn't shed any single tears. I screamed "mama" out loud in my room, hit myself, wailed until I passed out, but no one ever come knocking my door. Not even my mind was able to project her face, the warmth of her hands, or any words that would possibly calm me down. Those days were the days I killed her in my memory and decided to become the mother of my own to ease myself from the pain that she caused.

The most agonizing part of them all was the letting go part. The part that I have to accept things the way they are. The fact that I have to stop deluding myself with hope that someday things might change for the better. The fact that I have to close the door and walk away form everything. And in this case, the closest thing that should've kept your heart warm, family. I killed everyone, everyone is dead in my heart. I am a cold-blooded murder. I only survive for the status, for the sanity. But God knows how much I want to dis attach myself from everything. How much I want to start over, and find my family of things. Maybe by then I can look back and start forgiving myself. By the time I can find people who would accept me the way I am, who could love me the way my family was never able to. I know it's more than impossible, chances are tremendously low, but I just want to become my own person. I want to mother myself, pamper myself, warm myself with thousands of love, thousands of words, thousands of every little things that I was not able to receive.

I don't have any confidence of becoming a mother for that. Kids crying alone was able to trigger my trauma. Because I used to cry like them too for different reason. And I can't. Not even a mother, I don't even have desire to get married or love anymore. I have become a living robot who's counting down to the day when I finally can put everything to an end. Earlier today one of my past co-worker was announced dead. How much I wish it was me instead.. How much I want to put all these exhaustion to its final rest...

[kipaparappa]

There has been a lot of things going on in my life. I am quitting my job (again) for health reason, both physically, and mentally. I have been severely feeling agitated and entangled with my own emotion. I feel horrible about myself, about everything. My emotional capacity is overload, and now I'm just feeling like a zombie. Last week, suddenly I got a very bad ulcer like I never had before. It was so terrible that I still experience symptom to this moment. That 's why I decided to put an end to the source of agony. I want to stop hoping that things would get better, or cursing on that person that someday things will turn their back at him. I want to let go. I'm not going to let myself die in the pit of the darkness.. that's why I decided to quit and prioritize my health first. It's been a battle with my self esteem on who is going to lose more over my decision. I want them to repent, regret of what they did, regret treating me with slavery, mockery, savagery but then all I ever wanted is just to be freed and find a better place, community to surround myself in.

I have been struggling a lot with motivation. I think it's been 2 years since the last time I felt truly giddy about leveling up my design skill. It's difficult to stop the impostor syndrome. Moreover, people's comment "Is this all you got? is this everything you can do?" is still piercing in my broken heart. It truly feels like people have been neglecting all my past effort. I mean I can't completely blame them as I am struggling in the slump of emotional burnout, both from creative side, and human relationship side. I truly... truly feel exhausted from this life.

I want to feel loved. I prayed a lot about ending my life before things get more complicated. Before I have regret over leaving this world. But I don't know when my time will come.. It hurts a lot right now... that I don't have anything that is keeping me away from that knife to cut my vein.. I want to feel like I deserve a place in the earth. My selfishness... screams for a reason. Because I truly don't have one and day by day feels like wasting time.. I want to have someone who will hold my hands when they get cold from the cruelty of the world..

Recently genshin casted kamiya hiroshi and ono daisuke and the news has been dragging my mind to take a trip down the memory lane. During my time active in tumblr, they were literally the household name of the industry, even now still. But before the current generation emerges, they were literally everybody's sweetheart. My memory about them revolves around the time when I was 14-18, those times were very intense as I ponder about the future a lot. I desperately dreaming about living in Japan, experiencing life in Japan, marrying a handsome and caring Japanese man, while being able to live an independent life, being happy, and establishing my own sanctuary in this world where I can be surrounded by people I truly care for. I carefully studied about japanese way of thinking, language, culture, as if I was truly going to live my dream life there lol. I was willing to work hard, through my depression as long as I could keep my dream alive, even just in my mere delusion. Those times were blazing hot, like a fever, like an eternal summer of my life. It was hard to breathe, but it was exciting. It was bright to the point of it was difficult to see what was in front of me.

The two mentioned voice actors voices have always been nostalgic to me. Even when I firstly got myself to know about the industry, I immediately looked for their old stuff and started living in the past. Thinking about how was it back then before the craze happened. They have always been the top in their game but all I could think about were what was it like when they were still surrounded by seiyuu that are much older, when they were still juniors in the ladder. That's why their presence alone would successfully take me back to the time I wasn't even there, every single time. The act of reminisce bolster to my entire life back in the day, when I still feel like I got a lot of time to make my dreams come true. When I was 16, and filled with a lot of hope. Even though I am much older now, I think I was much stronger back then. Listening to old CDs, Songs, time was priceless.. so does dreams and hope. Now I just live day by day because my breathe hasn't stopped. Aimlessly, hopelessly..

[kipaparappa]

it really wasnt meant to be him. Now that he is marriend and had a child, it really makes me feel shitty. I really don't want him. It could be anyone else. I just miss the reminiscene, of the probability that my single era might come to an end. that I, too, would feel flowers blooming in my heart, wind blowing across its petal and fill me up with the scent. That someone I have dearly waiting for is waiting for me with its big warm arms on the other side, ready to melt this freezing heart that has died thousand times to bear the hardship called "life". I miss how I was able to romanticize that, because the possibility for me finally experiencing my youth was crystal clear. In a city i love the most, the time i cherish, every second was treasure and when I felt the most alive in my 20 years of living. My happy ending.

recently my mind has been fleeting around

[kipaparappa]

its nice meeting up with friends and checking up on what they are into. I went to this place where we adored a lot as a teenagers, with limited money, limited time, and a lot of concern about future. The only place we had in our minds when we needed a little getaway. Looking back, life was much more simpler with less choices in front of our eyes. With less information of what to do or what not to do, we were safe in our little high schooler's bubble.

Its as if we were still there, with our sun and sweat reeked uniform, enjoying our sweet little ice cream as a reward after long day of studying. I usually hate this reminiscne but this time it feels a little hard to let go, and a little too sweet to resent. We were still the same as we used to, just the situation has greatly, vastly changed. We were still the same overthinker, overworrier, dreamer and idealist. It's somehow very bittersweet seeing where we are standing up now, as a product of evolution made by time. Are we happy now? Are we giving up the dreams we desperately held our life into? Is this truly the right path we should be going down to? do we even have any right nor answer to those questions.. all we have to do was just to live the moment, like we always have to

it feels lonely, somehow.. after sacrifying everything we had in order to get by. it feels regretful but we can't even reckon of what is there to grieve..

at the same time, it feels comforting. strangely soothing and consoling. to know that there is still people from back in those pitch dark days still recognize my presence, that my past isnt made up of some fleeting memories-- they are REAL. its comforting to know that i am not alone in this wordless war against time and transition. that I am not the only person who feels great discomfort towards the ever changing cycle of life. I wish I could be as much comfort to you as you are to me too. It's always bring me to tears experiencing these feelings all over again. But I cherish it everytime, before this one ends and another new phase of life begin

[kipaparappa]

will seeing my mom breaks down in front of me, pleading for forgiveness ease my mind a bit?

will it make me feel wanted a little bit in this whole world?

will it make me feel less lonely?

there is no way that thing is even got any possibility to happen but

is that the real reason why I feel swayed everytime i witness a story of hopeless love, about someone who is willing to do anything for someone in silence, without asking for anything in return? a story about someone who is going to feel extreme torture when they lost someone they love? a description of someone who reacts very agitatedly over idea of their loved one leaving their side?

I can make a whole book about my loneliness, thousand passages of how does it truly make me feel, how do I wish the world would treat me differently if I were given a chance. But reminding myself over the fact that I have always been lonely and disappointed by the world since I can't remember is too upsetting to handle. I used to love licking my pain, opening up bleeding scar so that I can cry over the same pain over and over again. Now it just gets too much that I keep on running away over things that I should solve

seeing people pleading, warms my heart. how they are willing to change, how they are willing to look at their loved ones eyes with a lot of unexpressed emotions, that translates as love, no matter what happen, I love you and I want you to know that it's true--kind of gaze. Maybe I am a delusional dramatic type of sensitive bitch but I guess I have to use my loneliness to shield whatever I have in my feelings

I want to be freed, I want to meet people who are willing to accept me. Even if theyre not my parents,, its okay.. I want to accept the sad reality that they are not willing to accept my loneliness, my sensitivity

why can't i just feel loved? why am i so fucking complicated

[kipaparappa]

parents always make me lonely

thats why i dont possess a loving heart

I feel like writing about my parents will get me a karma for how cruel does it make me seem to be but I don't wanna lie anymore. I don't want to hold a grudge, I want to accept everything the way they are. I want to let go and be free.

Dear God, if you can hear me, please... get me out of here

immediately

I want to find my family of things

I want to stop hurting

Don't expose me more and more towards whatever imperfections they have

be it on themselves, be it in their loves

I have had enough, I have seen enough

I don't want the hatred to evolve worse than it already is

I want to be like other kids who can talk about their parents in the most loving way

I want to stop feeling lonely

Please let me out...

[kipaparappa]

revisiting my love for miho fukuhara, it feels very weird. they all reminds me of tara, all those rainy gloomy days, those days when I was forced to grow up, I had to rip apart all the happy memories with my own hands in order to give myself a crack to break and reform.

those songs reminded me on how lonely I felt. how every moment I wanted to spend with crying, repenting, punishing. remembering every little things I tried to forget, forcing myself to see all the things i tried so hard to forget and erase. one of the biggest issue among them all was loneliness

I tried so hard to brush off the thoughts of feeling lonely, thinking that I was a lot more fortunate than people on the streets. while the truth is I never felt deserving to be happy at all, to be enjoying all the fortune my mom and dad bring to our home. Because of the concept they brought me, I couldn't help to compare myself with people who even struggle to eat a single meal in a day. I resented myself for being who I am, for having everything, for just exsisting.

Apart from that I also resented myself for my inability of being happy despite receiving all the love I could ever ask from my parents. what was there to ask for more? my mom and dad had always been together through high and low. I had always been getting everything I wanted from them (financially)

until I tried to validate my own feeling of being lonely. It was overwhelming. I cried as soon as I wrap my head around the idea of being lonely. the concept I tried so hard to erase my entire life, I forced myself to embrace. Everything made me feel miserable. for how accurate that word described my situation. acknowledging loneliness was not easy for me. All I ever wanted to do is laughing, being happy, having lots of friends and company, not the opposite of everything combined. But truth is always truth no matter how much illusion you put into it. I am lonely. have always been lonely since the time I couldn't even remember. When I was younger there was a trigger of my loneliness to be over intensify, that I suddenly took back to my childhood, feeling even more anxious and restless. I no longer can remember how it actually feels like but I do recognize that. And yes I did, I pull the trigger on myself numerous time during my time of acknowledgement. I cried at the other side of the bed, pumping up the saddest song I could find, bawling my eyes out until they are swollen. anything, I just wanted to punish myself, keeping tears out of my eyes to stop myself from being happy

[kipaparappa]

another that time of the year

its so weird. i am soon to be 26, yet still feel like a trap in a child body

i miss having hope. I sweared myself that I am willing to go through all kind of harship for better days. no matter how lonely, how scary, or depressing things might get, i could always entertain myself by imagining the good days incoming.

Now years pass by, I remain the same. and I am pessimistic that it would change.

I still the same old girl who is trapped inside her room, inside her head, with her imaginary friends talking in her mind, too scared to go out and actually make friends.

[kipaparappa]

I got dreams about salt few weeks ago, having sarah scolded me over voice message, and catching tasq looking at my linkedin profile.

It's still vivid in my memory, the feeling when i made my first visit to setiabudi office, it was thrilling, unfamiliar, but exciting at the same time. I felt foreign but was brave enough to welcome what could potentially be my new life in my new environment, a new workplace. it was truly my first time ever not to think about quitting immediately for how much sense of security it gave me from the company, from the people. It felt like it was finally my time, my turn to be alive. To stop living as a shadow. to finally feel like I do matter. To be laughing with someone else. To have friends, to feel like a normal person again

Now its all gone, I ended it all with my own hands. so I have to move on

I still am not sure whether I regret my decision or not. what we all surely know that is I am on my own now. But I can't help to look back, especially when things get extremely hard with my new environment.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

can i hate ben? for all he did. I cant seem to win because I am indeed an idiot. I can't explain myself well and he seems to be taking advantage of it. I hate to feel that he is mocking me behind the camera, while he has incredibly nonsense requests. I keep talking to myself that i just need to hold it in and carry on, but sometimes, it really holds me back from doing my job properly.

[kipaparappa]

recently i have been feeling a little bit more lonely than usual.

even though i have given up the thought of linking arms, sharing body warmth still comforts me

its only in my head...

or am i secretly hoping for something impossible

[kipaparappa]

This year

this year i am turning 26 and honestly, never in my mind i would expect that I could live this long.

I always dream of having someone that truly loves me. But now because I feel like I am in no age to dream about impossible things, I'm going to write all my imagination, longing, and wish on a person.

Since I was small, I have never familiarized myself with the idea of love, meeting with someone, having a special bond, etc. I have this extreme self dysmorphia resulted in never-ending self destructive thoughts, undeserving, low to non-existent self esteem. I just felt like I wasn't fit for this world and never entitled to achieve anything good in this life

But I am a dreamer when it comes to love. Whether I deserve it or not, is another whole new story. But as I grow up with a lot of scar filling every corner of my heart, my own self-loathe, all I could ever wish for is someone who is willing to accept the ugly part of me. my ugly part is just very ugly that I can't even bear to love them, just yet. I still come back with a knife making my mental bleed so that I don't feel too happy or too comfortable with this world, to push my ugly side away, even just for a bit.

I am dramatic when it comes to mental health, struggle, bullying, self-deprivation, everything that hits home for me, I turn into this big emotional ball. Being overly sensitive in this society is highly unacceptable-- and I have been experiencing that for the longest time I've lived. And I am afraid that I am going to be judged by my future partner (if he ever exists) for my inability to navigate my way out when I am too misty over my own emotions.

In my mind I always dreamt about this perfect world/situation where this very part of me is forgiven. When my sensitivity is valued and not to be hidden. When someone understands my struggle and gives me the warmest hug once my body turns cold from overwhelming emotions I frequently experience. When someone doesn't take my tears for granted. When someone would forgive my presence for existing in this world. When someone would sit next to me when I feel empty until I feel less lonely. When someone puts effort to keeping me company. When someone worries with my loneliness. When they feel hopeless if something bad happens to me. When someone can lift my burden off my shoulder and put half of them onto their shoulder so that I don't have to bear it alone..

when someone.... actually

cares

for me.

I can only dream...

I always feel unloved for my whole entire life. So the thought that a certain someone actually cherishes me, is afraid when I am gone, genuinely enjoys my company, my presence, has a strong emotion for me, actually comes to me even when I am unable to reach them out, fight for me, just make me feel like... I am in fact make a difference existing in this world... I am needed to exist..

seems to be a little too dramatic to ask.

Now that I am (about to turn) 26, its really no time for me to dream for a fairytale-like story. Life is not a glamorous journey. It requires hard work and perseverance to achieve everything.

maybe I am just not fated for my own dream...

I try to kill my emotions, hundred times.

Now I just let it live in a little corner of my heart

But now I am 26

should I just.... completely give it up?

just how many more times should I die until I finally can rest in eternal peace....

[kipaparappa]

one day my journey will come to an end too

but i still feel like im left behind

everybody has reached certain milestone in their lives while i am here doing nothing

as much as i feel triggered, sad, and ashamed

i also hate to admit all these feelings

the more i feel these floating feelings

the more i feel more ashamed and desperate

and i absolutely loathe those feelings

i seem to can't accept that my time has passed,

because i haven't yet to experience all the thing i always dreamt of

being a young adult

everything i could've had while i was at uni

when i was still hopeful