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Lonliness
TW // Suicide mention (wow im actually using TW without irony... who thought that would happen lmao)
You know, over the past 5 or so months, I Had absolutely struggled the hardest I ever have in life; for the first two months, I suffered in silence, and not a single person knew what was going on. Some people had noticed but never really asked if I was doing okay; of course, I would have said "I'm doing fine" anyways, but I really have to thank my friend goob for listing to me when I had a mental breakdown, it was really sudden from his point of view because before this point I was a very jolly and silly guy. However, what had occurred was I had not slept for about 3 to 4 days at this point out of stress and other mental things, I had not been at school for about a month at this point, and he had known, but not as to why. he asks, "why aren't you at school, little guy" (of course in a jokey way, not intended to insult or upset me), but I had just kind of lost it and broke down crying and screaming... now I'm not much of an open guy, so this really shocked him. But instead of just ignoring it and going on, he stayed and listened to me. After about 2 hours of crying out and just saying EVERYTHING that had been going on in my mind, he stayed with me and calmed me down. Let me tell him about all the trauma I had experienced, all the stress I was taken from school, etc., etc. I had even told him about my plans to kill myself; I had genuinely planned on doing it. But thankfully, he was there to talk me out of it. If it was not for him, I would not likely be here right now. He's been with me, helping me sense than in a way no one ever has before; it really really was nice to have a good friend talk to you while you lose it... about 2 months ago, my school finally let me get what I needed after 9 months of begging (it only got really really bad at the beginning of the year, up intill that point I could handle myself well enough) eventually I was able to catch up with the help of him, he would help calm me down when I have a panic attack and actually going fucking insane, I do not know how he was able to keep calm during that, it must have too have been really really scary that someones mental health was being supported by only one guy... eventually as the tides had lowered and things started to calm down. I was able to get from straight F's in every single class to B's in all of them... I then graduated about a week ago or so... I look back and sometimes reflect on how it was. have you ever been in a state where you can't really process how bad something is due to its extremity? That's what it feels like. It's like I'm looking at a wall that just goes up and never ends, and somehow we were able to get over it. It scares me when I look back... but I have to say. I think it was overall a good thing; in its own weird demented way, it taught me that it's okay to be more open about your emotions... I used to have a habit where I would bottle it up. But I mean extremely, like a volcano that's been sealed by the earth, and it had caused me to get to such a bad mental place I had genuinely considered suicide, I have sense burned my note... I'm glad I don't remember what it said on it... but I will say now, I am very, very happy. I'm glad its over, and I coldent have done it wouth him... please anyone reading this, be open about your emotions no matter how negative they are, and if you belive you cant, try and find a professional... i admit it was not smart of me to rely to dump all of my stuff on him, I had told me after the whole ordeal that it had actually caused him quite a bit of stress, but I cannot thank him enough for supporting me not matter what.
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i guess i let my delusions get to me. the girl from my school who i had assumed hated me. doesn't? she had added me back on discord ( i removed her because i felt maybe she was just nervous to say it?) and said just something along the lines of "if you wana hang out, let me know. if i wana hang out ill let you know" and now i kinda feel like a dick, oh well
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stressed
I feel like my life is falling apart. The stress is really starting to pile up now.
I'm failing school. My teacher keeps telling me if I still have an F in two weeks ill fail high school. My father has the expectations that I'm going to succeed. But I just can't... I haven't seen my mother in what feels like two months, but I don't know if I like being there for some reason... I know my mother loves me, but I just can't do well there.
Do I have bipolar disorder? I'm unsure. I know my mother has it, and possibly my brother. But I was supposed to be the good one in the family who could succeed, the one who could thrive and have a family. But I blew it; my best friend doesn't even like talking to me; the only physical friend I had at school hates me and doesn't want to associate with me. I'm a social outcast and have no friends. You might think, "oh Kirby, you have friends at your school" I'm sorry, but it's a plain fact. It's even been brought up in IEP meetings with my father... I don't even know why I try at this point
ill admit. It's all terrifying. And I don't like scaring myself. It hurts. Especially since I know what scares me the most, I broke down at school 4 times today. I had to run out of class and hide in the old gym storage room, all the way in the back...
You can call me edgy, sure ill take it... but please just listen to me, I'm struggling, and I don't think I can turn to anyone at this point. I'm on my own, and I've done this to myself; I don't know if anyone is reading this, which I'm unsure if I like it or not. On the one hand, no one I know knows I am going through this, not even my closest friend... and I don't think I can. But on the other hand, no one can judge me for feeling this way...
These thoughts of leaving keep entering my mind... am I too shut-in? Agoraphobic? Am I not open enough? It seems so... I don't talk to my family, I avoid social gatherings... I wish I was born properly.
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god i have no motivation to succeed in school, the first simester ends in 5 weeks and i have almost all F's, idk i just dont feel like i belong
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this has been the worst week this hear holy shit, i get reject from 5 different jobs, i get a fucking ton of glass shards in my arm. my braces break and they wont get fixed until monday . fuck me jesus fucking christ god fuck
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no im not trans if thats what your thinking
do any of you have weird identy problems? i dont know but i dont really know who i am. like i act one way with some one, but then i act completely different with some one else. and i get overwhelmed if the two people combine and quite often i just start being genuinely mean to people
is it an autism thing? idk
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do any of you have weird identy problems? i dont know but i dont really know who i am. like i act one way with some one, but then i act completely different with some one else. and i get overwhelmed if the two people combine and quite often i just start being genuinely mean to people
is it an autism thing? idk
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not sure why, but my eyes feel like i just cried, which is odd cause i haven't done that in quite awhile
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i just remembered how in the middle of the night lastnight i woke up and i thought i saw a monkey dancing under my chair, i blinked a few times and it eventually went away
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here is a meme i made when i was on twitter
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