kiriphoenix

[kiriphoenix]

10 things you’ll learn as a first time mum

1. You will feel like you’ve had them forever, even after just a month in. It’s weird but you can’t really remember what it was like before they were here.

2. Your baby will be fast asleep and suddenly let out a little cry or moan and ‘OMG what is wrong?!’ Nothing. Nothing is wrong (sometimes). I do wonder though, is Remi having a nightmare? Do babies even have nightmares? Now and then he will throw his arms up and grunt and I was always tempted at first to pick him up and cuddle him (okay, I lie, I DID pick him up and cuddle him, but trust me it’s worse if you wake them up when they don’t want to be woken! Step away from the moses basket...

3. Babies breathe SO loudly when they’re first born. Something to do with those teeny little nostrils.

4. Then they stop making any noise at all and you freak out. ‘Why has my baby stopped breathing?!’ I can’t tell you how many times in the first few weeks I shoved my finger under Remi’s nose to check he was still exhaling.

5. Breastfeeding is hard. I could write a full post on this alone, and in fact I might. But the bottom line is that when your milk ‘comes in’ your boobs may swell so big that the nipple just becomes the end of your boob and baby can’t latch. You may get engorged, painfully lumpy, sore boobs that have you in such agony you cry, you may get an infection from baby not latching properly, and you may get all those things, just like I did! Don’t beat yourself up, and please ignore all of the mums that say ‘oh my baby is fine, you just have to persevere’ because everyone is different and no-one’s experience is the same. (*side note - you will leak, especially at night. Shove a towel under yourself).

6. Your boobs will sag. Following on from my last point, if you choose to breastfeed this is also the trade off you will be making - the sacrifice of a meaty chest. I mean I was blessed with an F cup chest, but I swear since breastfeeding for just 12 weeks they just look so ‘blah’ - haven’t actually tried on any proper underwear to measure them yet though, still in those sexy, soft maternity bras.

7. You have to be strong. There will be times when you have a pile of washing to unload, you’re in the middle of washing a heap of dishes in the sink, you haven’t eaten breakfast since you woke up three hours ago, let alone got out of your pj’s, and your baby will decide then and there that they are so hungry they want to wail uncontrollably. It’s okay to let them cry for more than three seconds before you trip over the mess running to their aid. It’s not nice. At all. But it is okay.

8. The first poos are like black tar, soooo sticky. Then they turn to the likeness of a Korma and then if and when you move them onto formula, the poos just get worse. They stink, they get everywhere, and they stain!

9. You will, no matter how careful you are, quite often have to change your baby and yourself into more than one outfit a day. Babies are gross, they dribble, sick up on you, and wee and poop to their heart's content, knowing you’re the one who has to deal with all the mess.

10. You’ll feel guilty for being yourself. Nathan and I had a date night when Remi was just four weeks old. We’d booked Chris Rock tickets before we’d even known I was pregnant and I’d convinced myself that I’d be okay with Nathan’s mum looking after Remi for a few hours. When we got to the O2 we had to lock our phones into cases for the duration to avoid videos of the show being shared on social media, and I totally freaked out. Chris Rock was hilarious, and I did have a few tears of laughter, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have, as I had a lump of guilt and worry sat in my stomach all the way until I raced through the door and picked him back up again! A couple of weeks ago we did our second date night while my sister babysat, and I felt a little better about it, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let my hair down completely when I leave him even for a few hours.

[kiriphoenix]

What it’s like to be pregnant with Endometriosis

Since I can remember, my periods have always left me in absolute agony. I was put on the pill as young as 15, to combat severe period pains and heavy bleeding. I remember reading an article in a teen magazine when I was younger about endometriosis and polycystic ovaries and thinking to myself, ‘this sounds like me’.

It took me over ten years to finally confront my excruciating pain and visit the doctor with my embarrassing symptoms, to be told that I had a cyst on each ovary and needed an operation. And I knew that’s why I had put it off for so long, because I didn’t want to admit I ‘had something wrong with me’.

Last year I was diagnosed with endometriosis and the Doctor revealed I have polycystic ovaries too. The worry for me was whether I would be able to conceive. I was nervous at the thought of an operation but also couldn’t wait to remove all the pain. The pain is constant. Even when it’s not really painful it still sits bulky and dull on my ovaries. Twinging when I move a certain way, reminding me of its dominance in my life.

Not only that but the other symptoms often seemed worse. I would say I can’t count how many times my swollen and sore belly was mistaken as a baby bump, but the truth is I can, because each time was so humiliating for me, more than once I’ve held back tears until I made it home. I’ve been offered a seat on the tube, and been asked by family members on various occasions am I SURE I’m not pregnant?

The condition means the cells that usually grow inside the womb and shed each month, actually grow outside the womb too and then shed around your other organs, not able to exit the body they build up causing cysts and adhesions. This can then also cause inflammation and bowel problems. It can sometimes feel like you’re being stabbed during sex, it can make you so lethargic, and it can really make you miserable.

So I was all booked in and had gotten my head around having my operation, then the NHS hack happened in May and they cancelled all surgeries. I was gutted, I had to postpone it for even longer! While I waited for another date to be allocated I suffered the pain a bit longer but became really worried when I started spotting blood for a couple of days randomly. The pain was really bad on one side and I felt tired and sick all the time and had a cough that had lasted six weeks already, so I went to A&E with my boyfriend Nathan, and they did the standard pregnancy test and blood samples. I thought nothing of it as I peed on the stick as I always did each time I saw my Doctor, so when he said ‘yep, you’re pregnant’ my heart stopped beating in my chest for a moment! I genuinely thought it wouldn’t even be able to happen until after my operation.

The Doctors first worry was that it could be an ectopic pregnancy, which is highly dangerous, so they kept me in overnight to have a scan first thing in the morning to see what the deal was. As the gynecologist turned the screen towards us she said ‘everything is fine, you’re about 7 weeks pregnant’ I was filled with so much relief but so overwhelmed that I was actually pregnant and going to have a baby. A real little human was growing inside me!

It was like my body reacted the instant I knew, the next day I had my head in the toilet with my first ever morning sickness and it didn’t go away for two months. And by the way, it shouldn’t be called ‘morning’ sickness. It was every day, more than once, and at any time!

As it was the one month we actually got some hot weather in London, Nathan had to start the car and open all the windows to let the heat out before I got in as I just puked as soon as I sat in the car. Everywhere we went I carried an empty ice-cream tub and a box of tissues. We’d eat out with friends and as soon as we’d drive home we’d have to stop the car for me to be throw up the meal I’d just had. It was hell! To add to it, my hormones were all over the place and I’d burst into tears at the smallest thing. I had to eat little and often and dry food only to survive. My staple diet for eight weeks consisted literally of crackers, crisps, cereal bars and bread with the odd handful of strawberries when I could stomach them. And peeing, how can I forget to mention the peeing? On average I pee around 20 times a day. We can’t ever be more than ten minutes from a toilet or I’m an accident waiting to happen!

Thankfully I’m now at 32 weeks and well into my third trimester the sickness has subsided. Now it’s onto the backache and the sleepless nights. I have a proper bump and I can’t get comfy, my baby wriggles all the time (which I love). I still pee all the time. Oh and boy do I have my appetite back. I’m ashamed to admit that I consumed two chocolate bars back to back for a midnight snack when I was craving sugar. It was like heaven in my mouth and I didn’t even feel guilty.

I still get pains less frequently from my endometriosis, as although the cysts can’t grow when you’re pregnant, the ones that were already there still are. However my gynecologist seems to think it is ligament pain due to my uterus growing, although I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference, and it’s not the same feeling. She has me booked in for extra scans to check the progress of the baby as a precaution down to my condition but all my normal scans so far have been very positive and we found out I’m carrying a baby boy, which was a huge surprise as Nathan had convinced himself and me that we’d be having a girl.

I’m a bit apprehensive about the birth as I’ve literally scoured the internet researching endometriosis in pregnancy and disappointingly the information is quite sparse. I found a few worrying papers from specialist Doctors that talk about case studies where cysts have ruptured due to expanding waistlines and babies pushing against them, and where bowels have been torn too, but they seem to be pretty rare and so I’ve embraced my pregnancy to be fairly normal and hopefully it will be a straightforward birth. I’ll continue to document my journey throughout the blog, so if you have experience of anything similar I’d love to hear from you below.