kisses-and-tales

[kisses-and-tales]

The End

Wow, I’m amazed this blog still exists. I guess I only deleted all the old posts but still kept the URL in case I need it again... It’s a bit funny and ironic, the title. Because this is technically the first post and yet it is about the ending and death of my very short-lived relationship (Not sure if I can actually really call it as that ._.)

We ended things yesterday. After these last few weeks of inner turmoil. It was really really bad though, and I'm still kinda in shock with how things have turned out. At the end of it all, he blamed me for everything and was also trying to get me to admit it was all my fault. It felt like he just wanted to win the argument, and it was no longer about trying to get us both to work things out. For the past few arguments (there were about 3-4 of them, within the last 2 months), I was always the one who remained calm while he lashed out at me. After all his lashing out, he would usually realise that he had gone overboard and talked nicely and gentler to me afterwards. But this time round, I was just too tired and drained to be the calm or "mature" one, so my reaction was extremely bad. Which resulted in the entire situation ending really badly too.

The Start of the Evening

When he came to pick me yesterday, he was actually in a really good mood. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I tried to pretend a little, but it was really hard.

I was in turmoil the whole entire afternoon after he cancelled afternoon plans on me. We were supposed to go Sentosa, but that didn't materialise because I pointed out that it may rain in the afternoon, so perhaps we wanted to do some indoor activities instead. He said that he did not sleep well the previous night so let's meet in the afternoon instead. I was disappointed, but I kept it to myself. I agreed. But the whole entire afternoon, I was just waiting around for him to text me back to confirm with me what time to meet for dinner. I really felt like I was being put on standby. And his whole "let's meet / let's not meet" thing is wearing me out.

In my mind, I already sort of know that things were going to turn out really badly if I were to say anything or not be happy or excited. I should have matched his mood, but I couldn't bring myself to. So I told him I'm really tired and my cramps were quite bad (not exactly the truth, they were still bearable), so I wanted to rest and sleep a little in the car. He was like, "okay you rest", but I could tell his mood dipped a little. I have become so in tune and so hyper-aware of his mood that I can notice the change from his tone, words, or just the slight twitch on his face.

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep because I wanted to try to regulate my emotions and gathered my thoughts. I kept contemplating whether to bring up how I felt the past few days to him. I didn't want to bring things up in the car while he's driving because it will definitely distract him, put him in a foul mood, and make him lose focus. It will be dangerous for the both of us.

So while I closed my eyes, I could occasionally hear him sigh and grunt a bit here and there. It wasn't too much, maybe just 2-3 times throughout the entire 30 minutes car ride. I didn't fall asleep, and I don't know how I manage to endure the slight discomfort and anxiety bubbling inside me. Quite amazed of myself now LOL. There were 2 times he slammed the accelerator damn hard and the car lurched forward quite vigorously - I could literally feel my heart racing when that happened. Of all the 3-4 months of dating, I've never seen him speed like that before. To be fair, of the previous months of dating, I've never said I wanted to sleep or rest. I usually stayed awake and chit chat with him throughout. He could probably sense I was a bit down, so that could have affected his mood. He jam braked 1-2 times and it actually jolted me a bit. I knew in that moment from the way he drove that he was not in a good mood at all. Uh oh uh oh.

He dropped me off at ORP so I could go up to my office to take my laptop (which I have dumped in office on Friday night because I wanted to go party - intention was there, but again did not happen because I was too tired and too sad, can you imagine that?! Me giving up partying because I was sad over a guy... Okay, I digress lolol). He drove to OC Centre to park the car. After I took my laptop, I walked over to the carpark to find him so I could put my laptop in his car before going to the restaurant nearby. Things were still okay while we were walking there. I promised him during the week that Saturday night's dinner would be my treat since I just received my bonus in late Feb / early March.

At the Restaurant - #1 (me asking him about his feelings/emotions)

We were directed to sit at the counter seats, and we made our food orders. Then I asked him how has he been feeling because I'm worried about him. I was asking specifically on the text messages he sent me on Friday morning. He had told me that he did not have the ability to have fun or enjoy himself so he preferred to meet me on Saturday evening for dinner instead of spending the whole afternoon together (which I had asked him to plan for it on Thursday). He explained that he had been losing focus at work, and his emotions were really depleted and he couldn't give anymore. He also said he needed to focus on himself more to fill up his "cup" because there was very little water left.

I asked him how he's dealing with that, and he admitted that he doesn't really know the exact reason that's causing him to feel this way. He hasn't really sat down and try to really understand how he's feeling. I asked him whether the anti-depressants are helping, and he replied "I think so". I said to him maybe it will help to talk to someone. He shared that he did have a counsellor before and it was quite helpful. But each session he had to pay $100, and that amounted to about $400 a month, and he felt that the money could be better used elsewhere. He then said he felt that he just need to find a new hobby, another new thing to focus and direct his energy into. He wanted to become really good at this new thing so he can feel better about himself. I nodded in silence.

I should have kept my mouth shut there and then. And in my gut, I knew if I were to say anything else, he would get really triggered. And things would not bode well at all. And yet, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

At the Restaurant - #2 (me telling him how I have felt recently)

I started off saying I know things have been difficult for him, and I'm sorry he has been going through a hard time. I am really worried about him. Then I said all these things are also affecting me quite a bit and it's making me really sad too, because I really care about him. I pointed out perhaps because his emotions were really depleted, so I find that lately he couldn't be as present as I would like him to be. And I am trying very hard to be understanding. I said I want to have more consistency, reliability and effort in my relationship, and I don't think it's too much to ask for (big big big mistake, because he took it that I am criticising him and pointing out his inadequacies). I explained that when I brought up about feeling like we have grown more distant on Thursday night, it wasn't meant to find fault or make him upset. I wanted to bring it up to let him know how I feel, so that we can address it together because I wanted us to be close again. I said I wanted to share my feelings with him because we are a couple and I wanted to let him know.

It was a huge mistake, I swear. I think my communication is just really really bad. Because he basically took whatever I said to be me attacking him and simply finding faults and criticising him.

At the Restaurant - #3a (his initial reaction)

His face went dark completely. And he was completely silent for a good 5 - 10 minutes. It was rather uncomfortable sitting in silence, knowing full well he's processing whatever I said in a bad manner. But I kept quiet, and just waited. I know I cannot ask him, or say a single word, because it will trigger him even more. I knew he was very affected by what I said and definitely took it the wrong way. This was based on all the past arguments we had regarding his tummy and lack of effort / commitment in following through his promises - where he would always say I am criticising and attacking him. So I waited, and waited.

Then suddenly, he took up his phone and wallet, and said to me in an emotionless tone, "you enjoy your dinner, I'm going to make a move."

I was very very shocked. Hurt that he wanted to just abandon me like that. So I told him can he not do that because it is very disrespectful to just walk out like that and his behaviour is very hurtful to me (and he later on blamed me for this - more to come, so sit tight and watch it unfold).

He sat back down disgruntledly. Then he started lashing out.

At the Restaurant - #3b (his behaviour that completely turned me off)

He said, "you are farking negative and problematic! Always being so demanding. Always finding faults and issues with me. Then, what did you bring to the table huh?"

He said it quite agitatedly and although I was expecting this outburst, it still came out as quite a shock nonetheless. I didn't know what to say at that point in time. In my mind, I would have liked him to tell me calmly that he's sorry I felt this way, and shared that he actually find it quite hurtful and sad that I always seem to have a lot of issues, but he wants us to talk things out and resolve it. I wanted him to reassure me and asked me more about it to understand how I feel, and at the same time, also share with me how he feels. In a calm, composed and mature manner. But nope, I didn't get any of that.

I guess I am asking for a bit too much. He did mention before how is it fair of me to expect him to still consider my feelings when I hurt his feelings first? It's like selfish and self-centered me wanted him to show understanding towards my feelings and not take this as a personal attack. But his first response was always to take whatever I say as a criticism and he had to defend himself by "attacking" me in return. I really don't know how to communicate better.

It always feel like a "me vs him" problem rather than a "us vs the issues". I am really really bad at communicating that somehow, I managed to always trigger him to adopt the "me vs you" kind of stance. My intention was to bring up the issue for us to tackle and discuss about it together as a team. I told him before after our previous arguments that I wanted it to be a us vs the world kind of thing, rather than fight with each other. He promised he would do better the next time... He always promised, but he hasn't really followed through. And yet, I cannot point it out. Because he would get really upset about it. And it's making me question myself. Maybe I really asking for too much.

Then he continued on and he was getting a bit crazy.

He said, "you know, everything is always my fault. It's always about me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, ..." He was repeating the word non-stop and in a fast-paced manner and it was getting really scary because he was facing me and being confrontational and pointing at himself while repeating. So I said in a rather rude manner, "can you stop that?!" On hindsight, if I have softened my tone while asking him to stop, maybe things wouldn't have escalated so badly.

He listened, and he stopped. Then he said, "it was never about you, you, you, you, you. It's always me."

I think by then I was really not having it anymore. Every single cell in my body was like this is it. I already switched off. I can't do this anymore. Why am I allowing myself to be subjected to this? In my mind, I wanted to end things tonight already. I couldn't take it anymore. I realise at that point in time, I did not have the capacity to really embrace his depression or his shit, and to be completely okay about it. I am not proud of myself for not being able to handle it all. I did not have the emotional strength. I really just shut down. And I think that switch in my brain caused everything to go downhill later on. Because I could no longer talk nicely or calmly to him. I was agitated as fark later on too.

Just then, the food came and his first response was, "can I have my dinner in peace? Can I eat now?" It was super wtf, and he was actually really waiting for my response. I said very irritatedly, "yah? You can." He replied, "thank you! Thank you for the meal!"

When the 2nd dish came, he asked again, "so can I eat?" By then, I was really disgusted. I said, "yes" and then he said, "thank you!". I just shook my head in disbelief.

I was very put off by this exchange. Even though I know he's most likely behaving this way because he felt hurt and his mood was already really bad to begin with.

Now thinking back, I keep trying to understand what had just happened. I know he reacted this way because he was hurt. Perhaps he had a lot of angst and frustration inside him, so he took this outlet to unleash it. And is it okay to not be okay with such a behaviour? I don't really understand. Am I being selfish and self-centered for not wanting to be treated this way?

At the Restaurant - #4 (the rest of the dinner)

We spent the entire dinner in silence. Cold shouldering each other. I couldn't eat much. I had no appetite. And I told him, "you can eat everything. I'm not eating anymore." And he really just gobbled everything up. When he finished his beer, he asked, "do you mind if I order another one?" Like why the fark does he have to ask for permission? I said, "yah go ahead". Inside my mind, I was like how did things turn out this way. How did that considerate, funny and gentlemanly person turn out to be this way? Maybe I just cannot take people at their worst. And shame on me for that.

We continued to sit in silence as he slowly drank his beer. I was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. My stomach started to act up and I had to go to the toilet. I really wanted to just leave the restaurant, go to his car and take my laptop then go off.

I already shut down, and I just want to get out. My state of mind wasn't good anymore. And it contributed to what would happen later on.

I told him I'm just going to get the bill, so he finished up his beer.

The Break-Up Argument - #1 (It's all about the money)

After we left the restaurant, I told him let's get back to the car so I can take my laptop and leave. I was walking ahead, and he was walking very slowly behind. It was irritating me, because I really just want to get the hell out and away. I made it back to his car first, and he was just nowhere to be found. I was extremely irritated. When he eventually came back to the car, he said "let's talk in the car" I said no, because I really cannot anymore. It was my mistake. I should have agreed to talk inside the car, instead of outside at the carpark where everyone could hear us. Maybe if I had agreed to talk inside the car, things would not escalate so badly.

He started saying that everything he do for me is always not enough. He asked me to reflect what did I bring to the table? He pointed that that he's always fetching me around. He put in effort for all the dates except for tonight... I only planned for this one date and even then, I was trying to get him to find drinking places or to plan for the afternoon. I admit that I wanted him to contribute as well, because I already sense that he's putting in less effort compared to the past. And if I just let him be, he will probably just be very enabled from now on and just fark care. Sadly, this is how little faith I have in him already...

He continued saying that after the first month, he told me that his credit card bill was $3k, and I agreed to only eat nice food once a month to help to save money. But now I am finding fault with him, saying he doesn't put in effort to plan dates and how I'm finding the relationship boring (I did not say I find the relationship boring. On the contrary, it has been everything else but boring. The constant anxiety was driving me nuts. How to even be bored?!).

He said something along this line, "I drive you around, pay for everything, then what did you contribute?"

So this whole paying thing is really my fault. Initially, I did offer to pay, like if he paid for the meal, I'll pay for drinks. It was how it began. But he would always say, "are you sure? I can pay for drinks too!" I would reply, "hey! Let me get it! Because I'm a strong independent woman!" After a while, I guess I also got a bit comfortable, and did not offer to pay so frequently. He would always take the bill when it comes, so I thought he was okay about it. But clearly, he wasn't. It ended up with him paying 3-4 times for every 1 time I pay... I really should have been more aware about this.

I said to him, "why didn't you tell me about this?"

He said, "why do I have to tell you? This kind of thing you don't know how to auto one meh? Still keep saying you are a strong, independent woman." - I just suddenly recalled he threw in this strong, independent woman phrase and you really gotta love how he would always use whatever I have said about myself against me in arguments

I was goddamn triggered. And I became super passive aggressive. I said "okay, so you want me to pay you back now?"

He said, "yes, that would be great! You can just transfer me whatever amount you think is fair."

And then there was silence as I was taking out my phone and opening up my banking app.

I know he was being paggro as well. But at that point in time, our emotions were running high. I felt that the whole thing was very wtf, but I didn't want to owe him anything anymore. So I transferred him $1.5k. And nope, he did not transfer back LOL. I mean, why would he? I am the bitch.

On hindsight, it felt like our entire relationship was reduced to this. It all amounted to this. It felt so transactional. All the times he was nice to me, he was keeping count, and holding resentment towards me that I did not reciprocate the same amount. Where did it all go wrong?

The Break-Up Argument - #2 (What did I do for him?)

He continued to say, "name me 3 things that you did for me!"

I didn't say anything. I did not know how to respond after all that had transpired. I was stunned.

So I kept quiet. I should have said something, but I couldn't process anything.

The fact is, I think I did. Sure, I did not have any grand gestures unfortunately. All I did was subtle and not outwardly visible. Maybe because they aren't grand gestures, so they aren't counted?

I was always trying to be understanding whenever he was not on time or couldn't confirm with me the exact time to meet. I was always waiting around for him to be ready - for which he did thank me before and said not a lot of girls are okay with waiting. To be honest, I did not like to wait at all. I hated it. But for him, I'm willing to tolerate and try to accept. I did not make noise about this, because I already feel very bad that I couldn't accept the tummy issue. I told myself, everything else gotta go. I cannot keep nitpicking. If I can bear it, I bear it. It's fine.

While it irritated me, I was okay for him to always be late. What I am not okay was for him to keep me on standby, or one moment said let's meet, then cancel on me the next moment cause he's not feeling well or not in a good mood, then later on, say sorry, okay let's meet again.

He was always falling sick. So sometimes, when he said he want to pick me up or meet me, he might last minute cancel and say he really not feeling well. I was disappointed and sad, but I always say, "it's okay, you rest!" First few times I really am okay. After a while, it is always the same narrative.

There were times when he was not feeling well, I went down to his house area to find him instead. I know he didn't have the energy to drive down or travel far, so it's okay for me to travel down. And this one I really did it willingly. Because I wanted to see him. And I didn't want him to be so tired all the time. I thought this was me being considerate and thoughtful towards him, but clearly, he didn't think I have done anything for him.

On Valentine's Day, I wrote him a card and thanked him for being patient and understanding with me for all my flaws. We did argue about the tummy issue 1 week before V Day. He did not get me anything, no flowers, no small little gift, no nothing. He bought me dinner. And while it was a little disappointing, but it's okay. I thanked him for the dinner, and I think it was then we sort of agreed to be official. It was very casual, like "well, let's just make it official since we are already dating exclusively?"

Many times when he was in a bad mood, I tried to be as understanding as possible. I asked him how he was, and encouraged him. When he let me down or disappoint me sometimes, I was upset, but I kept it to myself because I want to protect his feelings. Also, I was tired of him being triggered and getting upset at me again.

I honestly feel quite maligned and misunderstood. Because we parted ways with him thinking that I really did nothing and contribute nothing to the relationship. But there's nothing I can do now. It's all too late.

The Break-Up Argument - #3 (Him expressing how he feels)

(I recorded the argument from this part onwards, so I transcribed the conversation below and added my aftermath comments. The reason I have recorded was because I have a tendency to over-exaggerate things, and I don't want to unfairly pin it all on him. And I also want to objectively assess what he said and also see how bad my responses are so that I can work on them next time.)

He said in a rather defeated and sad tone, "you are the one who's been having a lot of unhappiness with me. Come to think of it, that's why you are always having all these issues with me. If I didn't care about you, will I always drive to your place to pick you up? Or send you home no matter how late or tired I am? There are things I don't like about you, but I just accept. You are the way you are, and I don't want to change you. All the times you go drinking and partying with your friends, I am worried about you. Sometimes, I really couldn't sleep because I am thinking if you are okay. If you call me to come pick you up, no matter how sleepy I am, I will do that. Not just you, I will send your friends home too. Haven't I done that? Haven't I proven myself to you?"

And he did, he really did do that. I was grateful and appreciative of course. But at that point in time, I did not respond shit. I should have said something. He was hurting, and he was explaining his POV. But I was already switched off.

He continued, "Not even once I criticise you, only today... I learn to accept it, and not make it an issue. I just want to support you, despite there are many things I am not happy about. Think about it, how would you feel if you keep supporting someone and then you keep being told by the other person that there are things about you that you are not happy about? You see even now, you are not trying to think from my perspective. You are only thinking about the things I said and how it makes you feel..." - this is unfortunately very true. I did not have the capacity to really consider his hurt feelings and address it because I was too stunned and shocked by what had transpired. If only I had handled it better

He was really sad now, "cause you always think I'm beneath you, that I'm not good enough for you. That's why I must keep proving myself to you. You feel like I bring shame to you. Shameful for you to introduce to your friends. Shameful for you to show to your parents. That's where all the problems stem from. You feel that I am an embarrassment, that's why you keep trying to change me. The moment I speak up, you see, what does it amount to? It amounts to this. If you really cared about me, it would be a different story. You would be hearing me out. You would be understanding. And try to make things work. But the moment I tell you about how you've been treating me, you just want to break up. Isn't it all boil down to the fact that I'm beneath you?"

My heart ached as I hear the recording and transcribed it down. He must have felt really really hurt by me. And I feel so bad for not reassuring him or telling him that I hear him, and I'm sorry for making him feel this way. Unfortunately, he is right about the part where I don't feel proud to introduce him to my friends or parents. I know I am superficial as fark, and I am very ashamed of myself. But I really never consciously think he's not good enough or beneath me at all. But I can see how my reactions and behaviour could have caused him to think this way. And now my heart is aching and I'm crying because I have hurt him so badly. I have made him feel inadequate and not enough for me. That's not how a relationship should feel like. It's not fair to him. I wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't have to suffer in a relationship where he felt like he's constantly trying to prove himself. This is really all my fault.

And it's not true that he's beneath me at all. There are other good things that I looked up to about him - him being intelligent, and smart. Him being so perceptive (although sometimes it's quite scary like during arguments) and able to provide me with emotional support as long as it's not a relationship issue ._. He's very good at managing his finances. He's good at adulting. He's good with strategy (like when he explained about his game and how he think things through and I was honestly in awe), and how he's really good with directions. We could always have intellectual conversation, and I really appreciate that about him. When he's in a calm and good mood, he is a fun person to be around. He is a filial son, and while he has some childhood trauma with his dad, he's still always bringing them around for dinner.

But it's too late. There's no chance to tell him now. He walked away thinking that I never cared about him. He walked away thinking that I never wanted this at all. I admit I was hesitant and doubtful at first. But I really tried. I tried my hardest to make things work. I wanted to make things work. But I guess at the end of it all, it was not enough for either of us.

The Break-Up Argument - #4a (Him trying to get me to admit it's all my fault)

My response was really really very bad that I want to slap myself now. I said, "after hearing all these, I was really very selfish and very heartless. You know what, I really don't care. So you deserve way better and we can just end things. You can put in your effort in someone who's more worthy. Like I am just not the one. It's neither our fault, it's just the way things are. There's been a lot of things I haven't told you about it, but then of course, it's all my issues. Because I'm always finding fault. I'm always having a lot of problems. I don't want to say anything anymore, there's no point. You are absolutely right about everything!" - farking paggro as fark, seriously. And damn freaking defensive. And yet I still dare to say he's defensive. I behaved very very badly as well.

He really took this opportunity and jumped into it, "exactly!!! So you see, if all along you don't want this, don't farking find fault with me. Admit it. Tell me straight to my face now. Admit it nicely that you are the one who didn't want this."

It's just so tiring how towards the end, he just wanted to win this argument. He wanted me to "lose". That's just how it felt. Like our relationship amounted to nothing except for him to win me in this. Why? Why did it turn out this way? I know I responded very very badly, and if I could go back again, I wouldn't have said what I said.

At that point in time, I felt very shocked and cornered and didn't know how to respond properly. I didn't know how to respond in a kind and thoughtful manner. It's no excuse. It's my fault, and I could have handled it better. I absolutely take full responsibility of my part to play in this. I have hurt him. My words were farking paggro. And I really couldn't see things from his perspective while my emotions were going haywire.

Yet, I couldn't help but think that him not wanting to take on a single shred of responsibility is really off-putting too. Why, did it turn out this way?

The Break-Up Argument - #4b ("just admit it already!")

(word of caution: my responses were damn farking paggro and triggering)

Me: "I like how you just like to put the blame on everybody. If I really didn't want this, I would have walked away a long time ago. But you know what, it's fine. It's all my fault. It's always me. Right from the start, I didn't want this. That's exactly what you want to hear." - farking paggro and spiteful, argh

Him: "Now you say, it's always you. On the other hand, you have been giving me all the problems. To you, it's always me. Now you come and say that to you, I always blame everything on you."

Me: "I never say you always. At the end of it all, you think that I'm the problem. And I take it lor. I'm always the problem. This is not going to work out. You know what, I'm really bad at communicating. I'm really heartless, this is the kind of person I am. You are better off without me, so just go find someone else who is going to be able to accept you for every single way you are, and won't find all these problems and issues. I always find problems and issues."

Can I just say that while my responses are really paggro and wtf, I feel like never once have I attacked him or blamed him? It was all mostly self-directed and being really paggro, like yah okay, my fault. Yah it's me. Yah what you want me to do? What you want me to say? I already say it's me.

Him: "now you still don't want to admit..."

Me: (cuts in abruptly) "I already admitted it's my fault, what more do you want me to admit?!" - this is getting ridiculous

Him: "You say in this kind of tone. Not once have I heard you being apologetic. Not once. Not even once."

It's like at the end, he just wanted me to apologise and take all the blame for everything that had transpired. Maybe he didn't mean it this way, but that's how I felt. It all started with me bringing up in the restaurant how I felt we have been growing distant, how his mood has been affecting me, and how I would like more consistency and effort in the relationship. I agree that I did indeed find a lot of problems with him and that I definitely have a part to play in this. But it feels like he just wanted to blame me for everything. It feels like he doesn't want to take any ownership or responsibility for his actions, words and how they have affected me. Because how I'm currently feeling is because of me. It feels to me that he is saying that how he behaved or acted is because of me - that I made him behaved and acted in this manner, which in turn had hurt me. So source problem? Me.

I really cannot take it anymore, so whatever I say next is quite triggering, "so what? You want me to kowtow to you? Kneel down and beg for your forgiveness?"

Him: "Say nicely lah! All these things that I have said, do you admit it's the truth?" - this guy is really a champion. I'm sorry, I know I am at fault for a lot of things, but the way he said this and I am transcribing word for word so I'm not exaggerating. This is really damn off-putting. I really have had enough at this stage.

Me: "Fine, it's your truth. But that doesn't mean I have to accept your truth. It is your truth and I acknowledge that."

Him: "so yah, exactly. You see, you didn't want this all along. That's why you make it so difficult. You keep finding faults with me." - okay to be fair to him, I was really quite aimai from the start. And I did have doubts and uncertainties. I think he was quite tired from it also. Eventually, I told myself, nope I'm going to stick to this and make it work no matter what. I made the decision to stop being aimai, and I was really trying. But it seemed like my reluctance and hesitance at the start really got stuck with him and he couldn't let it go.

Honestly, no matter how much of it is my fault, to have him constantly try to get me to admit or agree with him is really damn off-putting. It feels so transactional, so calculative, and makes me wonder, has he been harbouring such ill feelings towards me all these while? Which is why he kinda pulled back on his efforts in the relationship as well?

The Break-Up Argument - #4c (broken promises and then more fault again)

Me: "At the end of things, you still try to make it seem right from the start, the root cause is that I didn't want it, and so I have a lot of problems... You actually made a lot of promises, and then you asked me to be patient, okay fine. But have you really followed through?" - okay, I admit I wasn't being very coherent and couldn't articulate properly. He really has a way to shut me up and made me speechless.

Him: "what kind of promises? You say it now."

Me: "It's just the little things that add up. Let's say, you said you wanted to write some plan on your exercise. Inside my head, I'm like don't say such things that you are not going to do it." - after a while, I really have zero faith in him for following through with anything, that he might as well not have said it anymore

Him: "aren't you the one who say don't write?" - i did this because I know he won't do it. And I also don't want to add unnecessary stress to him when he's already sick. But he's really a champion in being able to rationalise and justify everything. Okay, this one I give it to him, because I say don't write.

Me: "yah! Because you are not going to do it anyway!"

Him: (changing the topic) "you see, the whole point is you have been unhappy with me all along, so you keep finding faults"

It's like he just wants to wash off all his responsibility in how things have turned out. It's not about him not following through his promises. He did not do anything differently, he's just like that, and it's just me constantly finding fault. Somehow, he made me feel like me expecting him to follow through on his words is not right. All that I am feeling is just me finding faults. I really am speechless.

Me: "So right now, what you want me to do is you want me to admit it is all my fault and I didn't want this, so that you can feel better about it?" - oops, clearly not very speechless

Him: "Who gives a fark what you think anymore? I don't give a fark. You can think whatever you want. Since you are having such an unapologetic tone..."

Throughout our entire argument, he was constantly using an accusatory tone, and being quite aggressive and harsh on his words. And I am getting extremely extremely tired of this whole "admit it's your fault" narrative. Whatever guilt or sad feelings I felt about him when he expressed how I have hurt him just melted all away because this entire admitting fault thing is getting ridiculous.

The Break-Up Argument - #5 (me being a bit more confrontational so yay kudos to me)

Him: "You wanted to talk. And I am here talking to you. I say to you nicely shall we talk in the car, you didn't want to. From the start, you are like I don't want to talk about this, I want to go already. How can I bring anything up to you at all?" - I feel like this is not getting very coherent anymore. It's true I did not want to get in the car, because I was scared, and shocked. But now he somehow could use this and say I don't want to talk properly? He hasn't been talking very properly actually. For the past few arguments, I really was the one who remained calm and didn't say things to trigger him more. Unfortunately, I am ashamed to say that I have really reached my limit yesterday night.

Me: "why is it everytime there's anything, you have to be so aggressive and your tone has to be so bad? You have to make such mean comments!" - I wanted to say he was actually a bit abusive in his words and tone towards me but I held back. I really held back.

He was like, "what is a mean comment? You tell me. What have I said that is mean? Have I criticised you for anything?"

Me: "you say things like I'm farking negative and problematic. Very demanding. Then now you come and tell me, but you are like that what. What's wrong with pointing it out?"

Him: "you say you are negative. Isn't that something you yourself have admitted to it?"

I did tell him right from the start when I laid out all cards on the table that I'm naturally negative, and I have a tendency to find faults in my relationship. I wanted him to be fully aware of what he was getting into so that he doesn't feel shortchanged. At that point in time, he told me we could work things out together whenever such issues arise. And now, every argument, he would use what I had told him about my own vulnerabilities against me. And this is apparently not mean in his POV. I am really speechless. I think he's too shrewd. I probably cannot date a smarter man. Argh.

Me: "and then you say my tone is very bad. What about your tone? Is it very nice? You have been speaking respectfully to me? You wanted to leave just now in the restaurant!" - I think I really lost it at this point, becoming quite aggressive and accusatory.

The Break-Up Argument - #6 (the restaurant houdini stunt he wanted to pull - yes i am being sarcastic now)

His tone actually softened a bit, "because I wasn't feeling very well. I didn't want to argue. That's why I wanted to leave and clear my head. You told me not to leave!"

Me: (more agitated) "Of course! You just leaving like that you think that's totally respecting me?!"

Him: "so you rather keep me there, feeling uncomfortable and unhappy, not having an outlet to process my emotion because of your face! That's more important right? Your face is more important than me going to clear my head for awhile, then coming back in later. Which might allow me to communicate better. But no, it's about how you look if I walk away..."

Okay I know that he reacted this way because of his childhood trauma with his dad, which he told me before like how his dad was always very very concerned about face, and everytime would chastise him if he did anything that make him lose face. So I get that it is a trigger.

But this is also triggering to me, because he obviously looked like he just wanted to leave and not returned. What bullshit. He did not even tell me he needed some time to step out to clear his head. He just wanted to leave. And besides it being embarrassing for me (of course it would be), it was really disrespectful and hurtful too! How can someone who loves me be okay to subject me to such embarrassment, and disrespect like that? Is this okay? Or maybe I'm asking for too much? I'm getting quite confused.

Me: "How would you feel if I'm the one who walk away?"

Him: "If it has to happen, and you are going to come back, then is fine." - Bullshit, he would not be fine. If me bringing up how I'm feeling can trigger him so much, me walking away is going to be even worse cause that's literally a physical visible action. At this point in time, I really cannot already.

Me: "no? You say enjoy your dinner, I'm going off already. That's exactly what you said!" - Omg, really a win for me this time. GG, why am I stooping down to his level?! I really have to call him out on this bullshit.

There was a 5 second silence - I swear, it was in the recording. He continued, "then when I was sitting there, did you enjoy the dinner?"

Me: "I tried to talk to you, but the first thing you said to me was I am farking problematic and demanding. What else can I say?"

There was another 5 second silence. And he doesn't know how to respond to that. So instead, he said, "now you don't even feel that you are the one who's so unapologetic and finding faults..."

Eh? We are at the him leaving the restaurant topic, and somehow he can bring it back to me not wanting to admit it's my fault again.

The Break-Up Argument - #7 (fault, fault, fault and keeping scores)

Me: "I don't know what you are trying to achieve. Trying to get me to admit? What's the point?"

Him: "yah, because I want you to admit it's your fault!" - yes he really said these exact words. I really have no more words, seriously. I mean, I was feeling really bad towards him as I listened through the recording, but towards the end, I just cannot take it. I admit my responses probably pushed him to say all these things also...

Me: "And then so? What is it going to achieve? You are entitled to your truth, and I am entitled to mine." - I am farking guailan at this point in time. I mean, yes I could have handled it better, but my emotions were really really bad at this juncture already.

Him: "Then why are you trying to change my mind? When I tell you all these things, and you don't accept..." - I did not try to change his mind?!

Me: "I am not trying to change your mind about it."

Him: "Can you name me 1 thing you have done for me?"

He was really still harping on this. I really cannot. Like what the heck is with all these keeping count? Okay, I probably am really a horrible and terrible girlfriend, fine. I take that. If I were calmer, I could have responded properly. But even so, why does it feel like he's keeping a scorecard? It feels like he has been keeping a score at the back of his mind on all the things I have done and have not done.

Do I want to be with someone like that for the rest of my life? Why does this whole relationship become so transactional towards the end? It really really saddens me. Are all these because of his insecurities? I am really trying to understand. Is it because I have hurt him so badly that he needed me to reassure him that I have done enough things to show that I really want him and I really want to make things work out?

Me: (paggro like fark) "nothing lor!"

Him: (triumphant) "yah, see, it's really nothing. You see, this is the passive aggressive thing you keep saying you want to change. And then you didn't even try." - I feel like at this point in time, he already has a fixed thought and view about me, and he just wanted me to say and confirm to reinforce what he thought about me.

Also, he really liked to bring up whatever I have shared earlier against me. This did not happen just once, or twice. Many times already. The past few arguments, I really controlled and stopped with the paggro shit. But now, I really am at my wits' end. I'm not proud of this. I really cannot tahan. And he still come and call me out on this. Fine. Then what about all the times after our previous arguments where he said he would talk nicely and calmly? Then is it happening? No. I really have had enough. I didn't even bother pointing all these out anymore.

The Break-Up Argument - #8 (the conclusion)

Him: "If I wanted to point all these things out, I would have made it an issue. How you keep pointing out my stomach. Pointing out about me being aggressive. But I've never once say you, because the moment I say it out, like now, you are not happy."

I am unhappy not because he was pointing out my flaws or the things he didn't like about me. It was really the way he put it across, and how he continued to be so accusatory, wanting me to admit it's my fault and wanted to win the argument. He wanted to feel better. Wanted me to feel like it's all my fault, and that he was never in the wrong. He was the victim. It honestly felt a bit like gaslighting but in a very subtle and indirect manner, I guess.

I had the last words but I honestly don't feel great at all: "whatever it is, in your mind, it is all my fault. I am a farking problematic person. Let's just leave it as that. I honestly don't see a point in us wasting time and talking about it anymore."

And then I left. I was in shock. I was kinda traumatised. My whole head was just like, "what the fark just happen? What the flying fark?"

The Aftermath

And he proceeded to delete me everywhere. Our chats from Telegram disappeared. He deleted me from Linkedin. Removed my contact. Which is very understandable.

But I can't help but feel really sad. Because the past 3 months of dating - and it all amounted and culminated in this. It ended so badly. It was as if there were absolutely no good feelings between us anymore.

It ended with him thinking and believing that I never cared. That I never tried. I felt so misunderstood. I really tried very hard (perhaps not enough). I know it was not fair to him at all whenever I find and bring up so many issues.

But at the same time, I feel really maligned. I really wasn't attacking or criticising him at all. I was really affected by him and all his emotional ups and downs. I felt anxious, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was constantly watching what I had to say. I feel like I need to suppress my needs and wants and just protect his fragile mood and feelings. And his reaction towards how we ended things really reinforced this.

I wanted to tell him so we could fix and resolve together, as a team. I didn't want to end things. But it ended up with him being so defensive and saying it's all my fault, like how is this being productive? I know I didn't react well, and I really regretted some of the things I have said. And I mostly regret all the things I never get to say to him.

He mattered to me. And I really did care. I know me trying to "control" him or change him (because of the tummy) is really really not right. And this really stems from my own insecurities and issues (which I really have to work on). But having him keep bringing up the fact that I didn't want this relationship right from the start and that it's all my fault made me feel very belittled and dismissive of how hard I really tried to make us work. I guess, I didn't try hard enough.

Right now, I still think about him. I wonder how he is now. Is he spiraling? Is he cursing me and really hating on me right now? After 3 months of being together, is that all he thought of me now? Well, if blaming me and painting me as the absolute villain makes him feel better and helps him heal, then so be it. I just feel really sad and hurt that he had so much pent up resentment towards me. And it came to a point where it was simply too late to salvage and resolve.

I really miss the good 1 month we had. The times where we were just getting to know each other. He was considerate, gentlemanly, and really nice as well. Yes the rushing of the physical part was too fast for my liking, but otherwise than that things were great. We could connect intellectually. We could banter, and have fun, laugh about things. He was able to provide me with that emotional support. I knew it.

I remember whenever he smiled, he looked really cute and it actually warmed my heart. He was happy. I was happy. I really thought we could become something more.

But then things changed, because I started noticing and minding and mentioning the tummy. I acknowledged that I really did cause everything to go downhill.

He probably really did not have the emotional capacity to deal with all these maturely. I was a mess, he was a mess too. Might even be a greater mess than me.

I kept at it because I saw our potential of how we could be. If you ask me if I like how we were for the past 2 months, no I absolutely do not. But I held on to it because I thought things could turn out better. And that I am tired and really afraid of all the loneliness (which I eventually have to tackle).

Right now, I'm just feeling the heartache, and the sadness of how it all went down.

Yes, his behaviour was off-putting and it was quite traumatising. But I really don't believe he is a malicious or vindictive person. How he has behaved is a result of his trauma, and insecurities, and all the depression and inner issues that he has. Which is very very sad.

And somehow, I felt that I may have left him in a hurricane with the way I handled things. He's very easily affected, and I feel really sad that he could be hurting badly right now.

I hope I'm wrong though. Maybe with his whole "it's all her fault!" thinking, things may actually be better for him.

This is the right thing to do. Me walking away. I know it's an eventuality. I just didn't realise it would come so quickly and it has ended so badly. I guess I was trying to prolong the inevitable.

But despite knowing I have done the right thing, it still hurts.