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[kisseslastforever]

GINGER (OFFICIAL VIDEO) - WIZKID x BURNA BOY.

[kisseslastforever]

I am experiencing a different kind of joy. Deeply embedded. One I can trust as much as my own sweet tender kisses on my skin. A self-love that has joined with a universal love, personalized. Given new wings that if nurtured long enough could cause me to fly straight to the empyrean. In my mind. My heart. My soul. Is a song. And you sing it back to me with such certainty. Such longing and such promise. You sound like God on his third glass of wine, sending Christ to soothe all of our souls and cover our sins. I could make love to the memory of you but is it a memory if we have yet to meet? How many rules have you broken for me? How many laws? How many dimensions have you crossed and barriers have you broken down? How did you scale my walls with such finesse and who gave you private keys to hidden doors? I am yours. I belong to someone else yet I am yours in the external, in the infinite. Just keep shining and checking up on me from time to time, like you always do. I love you, and if that means anything to you imagine what it means to me, and multiply that. I hope these words find their way to your heart, and this body finds its way to your arms. In the meantime... Mashallah.

[kisseslastforever]

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[kisseslastforever]

Here & Now

Take me by the hand and teach me something, anything, about forever. It's the only thing I can't seem to wrap my head around right now, and ironically, it is supposed to be the theme of this entire journal. How did I get here?

I am familiar with nothing. With redirection and rescheduling and any other subtle forms of rejection. I am familiar with anything and everything, especially for the sake of being. I am familiar with the emptiness that comes along with knowing time is an illusion, and the fullness too. I know the emptiness in waiting and the fullness in knowing. How do I get here?

I have seen my spiritual insides ignite with colors and rainbows and sunshine and doves. I have flown across skies without limits and sat on beaches in front or oceans with no ending. I have seen those same insides turn grey and flash thunderstorms as I stood above the grave of buried hopes, wrapped in the arms of a lover I've spent so much time with but never met face to face, voice to voice or even text to text. Just soul to soul. The ache was too much to carry, so much to bear I asked, how did I get here?

How did you get here, as a matter of fact? Nobody is supposed to be here. Except God. Except my mother. Except my lover. Not even my brother. My heart is not open to anything that doesn't plan to stay right now. No window shopping or browsing, not out of some sort of profiling or discrimination, but out of respect for the treasures at hand. Don't look, don't touch, unless you plan to take it home forever. My feelings are not puppies to play with at the pet store. So ask yourself, how did we get here?

I wish I knew enough to say I know. I wish I felt enough to say I love you and know it actually means something, not just an investment of words in a future that may or may not come. It's my heart, cookie. God's heart in human form except it doesn't rain anymore when I cry and sometimes it snows when I feel happy. The truth is that I'm claiming something and someone I'm still getting to know. How did I get here?

At least I can write and create and develop and publish and all those power words that punch clocks of purpose in the universe. I will inspire and motivate and educate and pontificate except everyone feels like they know everything already and then there's Twitter and Instagram and YouTube and Tim Tom and blogs and now I measure the importance of what I know by the amount of accepted pitches and cost per word. I guess I'm a writer but how did I get here?

And if at the end of this, I still love you, then maybe that's the miracle. Maybe considering forever as a possibility unlocks the heavy door to its unknown and obscure future, an everlasting presence that comes to you if you would just...

b r e a t h e

...be still and know, that I am God, and so are you, and neither of us have any idea what to do about it so let me just love you and let you just love me until the end of time says otherwise.

One question:

How do we get there?

..

[kisseslastforever]

She said she really grew up poor like me Don’t believe in nothin’ but the Almighty Just a likkle jeans and a pure white tee She never did forever be nobody wifey, yeah So while I may not pretty boy, your heart is amiss Play it like a villain ‘cause she caught in a wave Tonight I am walkin’ away 9 to 5 mind, on the grind.

[kisseslastforever]

I experienced something beautiful today.

One moment that set off the best kind of domino effect of love and joy and peace. But before I get ahead of myself, please keep in mind that I’m also the type of person to fall in love with an Afropop star that I’ve never met, get back together with my ex-boyfriend who never broke up with me, and still find myself loving said person I’ve never met. So judge me.

That is, if you are God and God alone. 🕊🧘🏾

So about that moment... I woke up in a great mood and without anxiety. Against my better discipline, I reached over to grab my phone and open a few apps - one of them being Instagram. I saw the notification circle, clicked and was delighted with a CHERRY filter and pleasant images that reminded me of summer love held together by the invisible thread of the divine. It made me smile... with my heart... :)

He ended up taking it down and instead of overthinking and convincing myself that was a bad thing, I realized that it could have very well been a special moment for us to share. If I’m being radically honest with myself, it wasn’t the first and it certainly won’t be the last, God willing and able. Because I really enjoy these moments. Confirmation of connection.

While thinking of him, I saw a flock of birds and today the birds reminded me of Machala. They made me smile and it felt like a continuation of the smile from earlier. That deep inner smile.

Some flirting can only happen on a spiritual level and those are the people I find myself drawn to most to the point of fantasy. Today I’m glad for the grace in the overlap.

I have started mindfulness practice today and anger management and I already feel like I’m getting to know myself more. I’m tempted to go deeper astrologically but I’ma chill. I kinda like the pleasant surprises of getting to know myself all over again versus already having myself all figured out already. This is growth.

And if I never get the answers, I will always appreciate the mystery. And even if I never meet you in person, you’ll always be mine.

Shalom shalom.

[kisseslastforever]

And here I am, writing again.

Essays packed full of self-expression and abundant in self-awareness. In the simplest and most indulgent way, this is always what saves me, even when I don’t realize I need saving or even understand what I need saving from.

I’m still a genius, I think. And a poet. And an armchair philosopher, although these days I feel more like a smartphone philanthropist. Using far less parenthesis these days, as I am comfortably fine with all my side thoughts and tangents being put on full display and featured prominently in the conversation. I still digress.

Since returning to America, New York to be precise, I have been struggling to detect and experience the divine and the supernatural which has made me feel like a bird who has no current use for her wings. Do I even still know how to do it? I finally learned how to fly in my dreams and astral travel and project only to wind up back where I started and feeling normal as ever which actually means that I feel abnormal. I’m more used to the anomalies.

I’m typing this while I sit on the toilet in a Motel 6 that I’m sharing with my significant other while spending time in my hometown. I will flush and return back to a life where all of my better, deeper and more impactful thoughts lie beneath the surface and I remember how to make money, manipulate people to make my life easier and engage in various pleasures, mostly of the consumerist kind.

Ah, the American dream: my least favorite nightmare. Take me back to the tropics. Help me touch the motherland. Anything but falling asleep in the cities that never wake up.