kittengiacalone11

[kittengiacalone11]

Today a good friend shared a video that said to instead of choosing a New Years resolution, to instead choose a theme.

For 2021 I choose celebration. I celebrate the lives of loved ones lost this year, cheers to you my beautiful fallen. I celebrate the love of my life growing stronger every day.

And most importantly today I celebrate getting up off the couch and working and I celebrate my mental health winning today ♥️

What are you celebrating?♥️

[kittengiacalone11]

When Two Souls Are Meant to Collide...

She was a sunlit morning on a quite yet psychologically pivotal hike in a calm and waking wood- where that calm and quiet suddenly seem to create a language, one just for you to tell you the secrets of the universe and reveal the things that seem to register deep in your mind but not from you but from some deep rooted knowledge the plants and sky and beings that you now sense in a whisper that is unmistaken yet you try to shake it off as if you could unhear what’s growing inside you much clearer and less undeniable by the second.

She was the kind of day adventure in nature you choose bc it was easy and left you following marked trails so it never could become more intense than a still and held not a moment of strenuous inclines, yet somehow the path in its flat and simple state you’d done a hundred times and was known so well at this point that you could do it Blind, suddenly filled with something so unexpected and spiritually hitting a brick wall so hard that you didn’t see and therefore found yourself lying in a shattered world that you only ever knew and believed it was the only true thing you were most certain was the framework of your existence, she was the moment you began to see the cracks and you stood in total fear and denial of seeing it all crumble in a sudden and so complete collapse, it caught fire and became ash and you wanted to just go with it bc you’d lost all your life’s experiences and facts and understanding of that world, but there she stood in the midst of the ash and rubble and smoke that filled the air choking out the sun and she wasn’t touched by the devastation, in fact she was actually glowing, a beacon of light calling you home through the rubble of what remained of all you knew.

[kittengiacalone11]

If someone hasn’t told you good night…

Then good night.

You did great today.

Did you eat a nice dinner?

I’m proud of you.

You looked fantastic today.

I hope you have sweet dreams.

Did you brush your teeth?

Did you wash off any makeup you might have been wearing?

Did you take your medicine or vitamins?

Take a few deep breaths…

Good night ❤

(Please donate to my PayPal at Paypal.me/haleymagicka [link in bio] to help me stay in school…even one dollar donations make a difference)

[kittengiacalone11]

Sometimes kittens just need to rest. ZzZzzZ …..💙

[kittengiacalone11]

I love licking Daddy’s fingers ~ 😍❤💦🐈

[kittengiacalone11]

There’s nothing that gets to me like hearing this...

[kittengiacalone11]

[kittengiacalone11]

I miss your hands when they’re not in mine, I watch the clock, try to kill the time. I try not to stare out the window, But I can’t seem to let it go. Because you mean more than you’ll ever know, And I need you more than I’ll ever show. I just can’t be with out you and I know, That I will never let you go.

[kittengiacalone11]

“I don’t want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self-image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.”

—

Eckhart Tolle

[kittengiacalone11]

Yes I say this all the time! Put your mental health first above all else! It’s so important!❤️

“Realize when it is time to simply back down. There too can be a great deal of strength within the words ‘I must stop to recharge and take care of myself.’”

— Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin

[kittengiacalone11]

Ever notice how...

Bittersweet is such a strange emotional experience to navigate. It’s like such pure happiness reminiscing and getting caught up in it for a moment and briefly reliving that shared laugh just one more time. But reality likes to slam into you like a train, ripping apart that perfect moment and reminding you that it’s gone and that you’ll never get it back and how truly sad that fact is. But even reality in its most ugly form still has this glow around its edges, residue left over from getting swept away to happier times. You can’t help but feel grateful for having had that experience even if it will only ever be the past and you’ve lost it from your life forever. And your left kinda broken, kind of rejuvenated, just kinda trapped in the middle unable to pull yourself to one side or the other... unable to process it all at once and so you just sit there and let it run its course and hang on for the ride because there’s no getting off, you’re stuck in your seat until the ride comes to a stop at the other end. All you know is that you are alive in this moment because something real caused this strange emotional reaction and it was a moment that made life worth living so you’re okay just surrendering to it and taking the waves as they come. You don’t put up a fight in the slightest, you just submit to it whole heartedly and watch a lifetime pass by in a blur of happy tears and agony all at once and through it all your only thought is how beautiful it is. #myheadsinweirdplaces

[kittengiacalone11]

The thing about change is sometimes it can be the best thing for you, but it can also tear your life apart and leave you feeling so lost and out of control of everything that’s happening to you. Change can help you find pieces of yourself you’d lost along the way, it can make you stronger and it can bring people into your life that you’ll keep forever. Change can also take you away from those people and away from a life you never expected to leave behind. Change can make you feel whole and it can empower you in ways you never imagined and change can turn around and take it all back in an instant. I have always embraced change, craved it, created it, but as I sit here talking to the walls in my room, their empty response rips holes in my chest. This was one change I just wasn’t prepared for and my life will never be the same again. I tasted a happiness I never thought I could ever attain, I found a life, a new home, and a future that just felt right in ways I couldn’t explain. Then I watched out the plane window as it disappeared from me just as quickly as I found it. My soul mourns the loss of the dreams that were born during that special year. And the irony of it all is, change itself is the reason that theres pain ripping through me in this very moment and through broken sobs all I can cry out begging for is change.

[kittengiacalone11]

PSA

As creators and social media posters, every single thing you post has an effect on the people who follow you and beyond. “Everything you do sends a ripple effect into the world that lasts forever- a lesson you teach, an example you set, your every influence on this world ripples forever through generations to come.” WE must be RESPONSIBLE with what we post. WE must put forth an EFFORT to not trigger people and not make it look like addictions, eating disorders, self-harm, etc are good ideas or okay because they ARE NOT. Post responsibly– all I’ve got to say with regards to both Thinspo and Logan Paul. It applies to both.

[kittengiacalone11]

If you restore balance in your own self, you will be contributing immensely to the healing of the world.

Deepak Chopra

(via

spiritualgateway

)

[kittengiacalone11]

A Major Milestone

So a little over a year ago I hit rock bottom. I was battling crippling anxiety and depression and I was fighting for my life. To make a long story short and to be brutally honest I hit a point where I was suicidal for a solid week. I laid in bed for days too terrified to move a muscle out of fear of myself essentially and not trusting myself to get up because I didn't know if in a split second of a moment I’d decide to do something... rash... So there came a moment when my muscles ached from laying tense in bed for days gripping the the blankets that I had cocooned around me just barely hanging on, the pain inside, the noise in my head, the just overall reality of my situation became too much for me and I just didn't want to fight anymore, I was too tired and it wasn't worth it because there was not foreseeable end to that current bout of depression. I had lived 22 years and had only gotten worse, my life was going to be cycles of me being okay and then getting hit with crippling bouts of depression that would hijack my life and make me incapable of ever holding down a real job or finishing school or being able to have a family. Like how could I ever have children if I was constantly at risk of abandoning them for weeks on end because I couldn't get out of bed? I didn't want to live with that quality of life and I didn't want to depend on medication because it made me feel like a zombie. I wanted to either get control of my life back or I didn't want to be alive anymore. It sucked because I saw in that moment all the good things I would miss and I knew that there would be good things but that just wasn't enough if I had to ever go through what I went through at that time ever again. I didn't know what was going to happen to me at that point and I kind of just accepted whatever was to come. Every night before I fell asleep I prayed that I just wouldn't wake up. Every morning that i woke up I would come to with such disappointment and dread at the thought of trying to get through another day. I remember laying there and really debating doing it and how I wanted to do it if I did... This wasnt just pondering the idea anymore, this was actually beginning to consider this as a real option and how I could bare to do it. I was a coward after all and didn't know if I would be able to do it if it came down to it so I actually sat in my bed at one point in my life and thought about how I could pull it off and in the least traumatic way for my family. After all my loved ones had been the only thing that had kept me alive at some points in my past... I would lay there in agony but I couldn't hurt them by killing myself. But at 22 I just couldn't do it anymore, I just couldn't keep going, I was too tired and broken and lost and alone. If you want to know what my conclusion was, well I was prescribed Xanax and I was just going to swallow my entire script that I was about to be able to refill in a day or two and I would just fall asleep and slip into that darkness that seemed so welcoming and final. I would finally get to rest and I would finally not feel so exhausted and defeated and just run down. So the day came when I got my prescription refilled and I just stood there in my room with the bottle in my hand staring at it. I was home alone because my boyfriend that lived with me was at work or class or something, I don't really remember, I just know I had a couple hours to myself. The apartment was quiet, the tv was off, there wasn't any music like there usually was. It was just peacefully quiet. I remember the sun was coming through my bedroom window, it was spring because I remember the grass being bring green, but there was also snow still. I   remember the room pretty clearly, its exact layout, the sound of birds outside and kids playing behind my apartment building. I remember the white walls were bright and almost cheerful... it was actually an almost pleasant moment when I took it in. I could almost enjoy it because I felt like this huge burden had been lifted since I had made up my mind and I didn't have to worry about fighting anymore, I didn't have to hang on for much longer. I just kind of stood there for what felt like a small eternity just kind of taking it all in one last time. I remember tears falling down my face but I don't remember actually crying, I can't even remember if I felt sad or if they were tears of joy and relief. I just remember the sun and my favorite tree out back and how it was finally green again. I remember the how the sunlight felt warm on my legs and how it was nice because it had been so cold all winter. I kind of forgot what was going on for a brief moment and got caught up in just observing everything. I realized that I hadn't actually looked at anything directly and in detail in what felt like months. I had been living in such a haze, so trapped inside my head that everything just would go by in a blur as somehow operated on autopilot. I couldn't even remember what I thought about so intensely in all that time, it was just like that time was gone. I remember suddenly feeling really tired and so I laid in my bed and I snuggled up in my blankets and I got as comfortable as I could and then I set the pill bottle down on my fuzzy nightstand next to my bed and began preparing myself mentally for what I was about to do. I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to get a glass of water and I couldn't swallow an entire bottle of pills without a drink and my mouth was dry as it was because I was dehydrated.  I was so comfy and I had been suddenly overtaken by exhaustion which was a normal those days and I just didn't want to get back up and walk all the way to the kitchen and then get the glass down and then fill it and then walk all the way back. To me at that time, that was exhausting, that task felt like normal people doing a mile run at the gym and then lifting for an hour or so. I decided to take a nap and then I would... Literally that is how I fell asleep, I never even finished that thought. I woke up sometime a few hours later and I remember feeling distinctly different. The sun was still up and Tyler was just getting home and it felt like a fuzzy veil had been lifted from over my head and like I took the first deep breath in like months... I knew that my bout had just passed and that I had came out on the other side and that I would actually start to feel somewhat normal again and that things would improve to some degree, which was a relief. I remember telling Tyler that it had passed, I was really excited about it because I hadn't spent time with him in weeks and I just wanted to go do all sorts of things and just have fun. Then he left the room and the pill bottle next to my bed caught my eye and I couldn't believe that I had forgotten that just hours ago I had made a decision to empty it down my throat and I sat down on the bed sort of transfixed on the bottle in the strangest headspace. I could not believe my depression broke literally within moments of me calling it quits. I couldn't believe that I was one glass of water away from missing this moment of relief and tinges of actual real happiness for the first time in weeks. But I also knew that I would eventually end up back in the depth of that darkness again, not really alive, just merely existing as I hung on for the ride, waiting at its mercy for it to pass. That didn't seem like something I could bare to accept. I couldn't go through it again, even feeling happiness and al that weight lifted didn't change the dread I felt as I saw the life I had in front of me. I knew that if I didn't still follow through, that someday in the near future I would do it anyways, I really had nothing to live for in my current state. I sat there forever just thinking about what I wanted. I was torn because I did want to go out of the house and get some fresh air and do something fun with Tyler but I also didn't want to lose the courage I had to finally go through with it. So I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I turned on the vent fan so that I didn't have to worry about Tyler hearing me or walking in. I knew if I was in the bathroom Id have an hour or so before he bothered me. I just sat on the toilet seat holding that little orange bottle in both of my hands unmoving. I wasn't thinking anymore I was just blankly staring at it. That right there was rock bottom for me... I could not possibly get any lower than hiding in my bathroom by myself, locked in a staring contest with my fate, which materialized as a bottle full of Xanax that I held between both of my hands. I remember holding it, cupped in my hands like it was a baby bird or something delicate. It was heavy and light all at the same time. It carried weight more than just its mass and it took on a life of its own and the two of us just sat there looking at each other unable to break from the trance. I heard Tyler walk into the bedroom and grab something and then walk back out and down the hallway and into the living room. He had no idea what was going on on that other side of the bathroom door. He had no idea that his life could suddenly change at any given moment and would never be the same again, he was happy that I had seemed to be coming around and was actually not worried about me for the first time in days... But that was when he should have been the most worried. I just felt the fate of everyone I knew hanging in the balance along with my own and that everything would change for so many people forever and they would never cope with it completely their entire life. I remember the bathroom rug was the first thing that I noticed. Not seeing it but feeling it under my feet. I remember scrunching my toes and slowly beginning to animate the rest of my body and finally standing and breaking my gaze from the bottle in my hand. I knew I had chickened out. I knew I lost my chance. In a weird very numb action, I opened the door to the bathroom sink and set the bottle underneath and walked out of the bathroom as if nothing had happened and joined Tyler in the living room. We went to the school that day and walked around the campus enjoying the weather... We laughed and we fooled around and we kissed each other a lot and held hands the whole time and it felt so nice to feel connected to him again. I had almost lost him that time and I loved him so much I just was so happy to feel him next to me and see him smile and his beautiful blue eyes. We went home and we had sex for the first time in months and then we laid in bed holding one another watching Netflix. He drifted to sleep and in that moment I decided that I would give life ONE last shot... that if I ended up back in that dark hole again that I would just end it without a second thought that time. But i also decided that I was going to devote my life to trying to figure out how to beat this thing. I wasn't going to see a therapist, I wasn't going to take medicine, I was going to dedicate my time to researching coping techniques and how your brain worked when you were having anxiety and depression and anything that I could think of or find that could help me figure out how to learn it and understand it and manage it in a healthy way. I decided that I was going to fight for a normal life which was something I never dreamed was attainable, but I decided it was either find a way to live a normal life or... well we know what my resolution was. That was the scariest decision I have ever made, choosing to live, choosing to take on my mental illness head on (no pun intended) and that I was going to live for Tyler and be the girl he deserved instead of this shell of a person that I had become. I was going to give up adderall and xanax because it was becoming a real problem at that point and I was going to beat this or die trying... 

With that being said, I tell you this story because I sit here, a little over a year and half later and I know in my heart that I did it. I just went through a break up with Tyler and my life got flipped upside down and I was left unsure where to even begin to pick up the pieces and I was afraid of how I would handle it, but I actually got through the saddest thing that I have ever been through fairly healthily. I didn't self medicate on any extreme level, I actually gave away most of my Adderall so that I wouldn't have it at my disposal in a weak moment. I was a mess and I was so lost and broken but I processed everything and I spent a lot of time writing and feeling and checking in on myself and getting sleep and trying to start just living my new reality one day at a time. Two months later and I realized I have actually been really happy the last week and I am falling in love with someone new and they are incredible and I got myself my own place with roommates that I adore and that I am actually capable of taking care of myself for once. I did it.. I realized sitting in my house alone today that I made it and that is everything. No one on Earth will ever know how far Ive come in just under two years besides Tyler and he is no longer around to celebrate with me. I am the only one who understands the immense meaning of this exact moment and it will be brief. But to know that I can finally have some real confidence in myself and in my future is something I've never felt. I can actually have dreams, at 24 years old I finally have my life back and get to live my second chance and its overwhelming... 

Mental health awareness has become something that I am a very passionate advocate about. Im no longer afraid to say that i struggle with depression and anxiety because what I have done, what I have accomplished, no one can take that from me. Nothing anyone says could ever make me feel insecure about what I deal with because what I did was so incredible all I feel is pride. This is actually the first time I have told my story in full detail of the moments that I actually debated taking my life and I hope that maybe, by sharing this very personal and very intimate part of my story that maybe someone will see that its okay to talk about it. You don't have to share your story with the world, but if you are struggling, just reach out to one person and tell just one person that you need someone. Don't be afraid, if I had told just one person during all of that that I needed help I can't imagine what might have happened, I can't imagine how much easier it may have been for me. Maybe by sharing this someone won't have to suffer like I did. No matter what, I will from here on out be part of the solution instead of hiding and being part of the problem. Anxiety and depression are so common you wouldn't believe how many people suffer in silence, you're not crazy or broken or unlovable, you're more normal than you think and it doesn't have to be so lonely. If you are reading this and you're struggling and you desperately need a friend, please don't be afraid to reach out to me. I promise this is a safe space and I will gladly do whatever I can to help you. You are not ever alone. I am proof that you can really have a normal life, you just have to want it and the rest is possible. I will gladly share what research I have found and what techniques worked well for me. I can't promise you the secret to unlocking the mystery to what you're dealing with, but i can tell you how I began my journey of self-healing and self-love. 

I love you readers, thank you for taking a moment to read this entire post and hear my story. I would be honored to hear yours, if you wanted to share. I hope to start a discussion with this post, but if not here then eventually I will keep telling this story until people start to talk about it. Let the change begin here and  help me be the difference we want to see in the future. 

XOXO

-Kitten

[kittengiacalone11]

Thank You...

I was beginning to miss you here and there... We were talking more and you were saying that you were struggling too... So thank you for letting me down completely today. Thank you for not having even ten minutes to spare... Thank you for causing me more stress and more frustration today on top of everything else I was dealing with. For once, this is not my sarcasm, I truly do thank you for all of these things. What I thank you for most of all is reminding me today of some of the things that I no longer have to put up with anymore. Thank you for not being dependable and for being selfish and for making my life infinitely harder over something so small and so unnecessary. You see I have been away long enough to forget some of these things and I have been going through old pictures trying to convince myself to start getting rid of them and moving on, but the memories had began to pull at my heart and had reminded me of how happy we were once upon a time... So thank you for reminding me that I made the right decision and that I am on the best path for me. I needed that. I needed the reassurance that there is no turning back, that what I left behind is not the memories captured in those old photographs. I will always love you. I would never take back all that time, even all those months of heartbreak and disappointment and neglect. You were one of my greatest adventures. But I know that adventure came to an end, no matter how desperately I tried to save it. What is left is not the love I deserve and you may miss my companionship, but you aren't fighting to get me back. You haven't changed and I don't miss dealing with your childish bullshit, quite frankly its a relief. You were holding me back, you were becoming dead weight, and you weren't pushing me to be better anymore. I pushed you all the time to make changes and take responsibility for your own happiness, but you were lazy and preferred to do nothing and then whine about how unhappy you were. You took a situation that could have been an incredible adventure together and instead let yourself become miserable, wallowing in self-pity. Those photographs don't show that part. They only show happy memories and times when our love was strong. They show all of our adventures and all the things I loved most about what we had. I am still coping with the loss of all those dreams I had for us, still unable to really believe that they're gone just like that. But you’re gone, thats for sure. I can call you sometimes when I need you most and sure, you might be there in a time of weakness. But times like today when you could have given me 10 minutes to figure some shit out and help ease my anxiety, but you didn't... And for no good reason either, you just didn't feel like dealing with it because you were tired or whatever. Times like today when I needed you to step up for a second and help figure out some of the stuff left over from being with someone for 3 1/2 years, like the lease thats still in both of our names and that you have a ton of my stuff and my pets halfway across the country still and that I have a bunch of your stuff still at my grandmas in boxes that I am working to sort through and separate on my own. Stuff thats important that needs to be taken care of so that we can both get on with our lives without all these things tying us together still. Today 10 minutes meant saving hundreds of dollars in travel costs and hours of time off work and stress and having to drive across the country to get my stuff back, but you weren't in the mood... Are you kidding me? This is the only opportunity we will ever get to have someone be able to bring all my stuff to me, FOR FREE MAY I ADD and you couldn't give me the time of day to make sure we were on the same page and that you would be there to help them load the boxes... And for as angry and as frustrated and as hurt as you made me feel today all I can say is thank you... It was the little dose of reality I needed to bring me to my senses. Because I am finally finding happiness. I am finally adjusting. I am falling in love with someone new and they don't deserve me wasting their time if I am thinking about you. You certainly don't deserve my time and I deserve so much better than what you put me through those last 9 months. It was just a moment of nostalgia of a time now passed that I missed, I realize now that I don't actually miss you at all. This brings me so much peace because I have been struggling with trying to keep this new love on the low while we finish sorting out our things and our lives that were so deeply intermixed. I know that you will be hurt when you find out who he is and for a time I did feel somewhat badly. But you see, he was never a close friend, he was more mine anyways and the only reason there was an opening for him was because you let me go long before I found comfort in someone else. By the time we started to connect we were long gone anyways. I had given you everything and even some that I never should have given away to begin with. You let me lose parts of myself trying desperately to save something you knew had died a long time ago... You let me give all I had until I was forced to be the one to let go in order to save what was left of myself. You left me with my life in ruins and no idea where to even begin to pick up the pieces. My life with you in the end was like a prison, you sucked all the color out of everything and I didn't even realize how bad it was until someone else reminded me what it was like to feel alive. He was there for me all those lonely nights... He made me laugh and he made me feel like i was worth something again. He was there to help me pick up the pieces, he was there when I had to move home and my life was turned upside down. He is wonderful and kind and he has loved me even in the midst of all this chaos. He takes care of me and he watches out for me and he cheers me on. He finds me interesting in ways you never did and we connect in ways that you and I never could. He has let me sort through all this and has been patient and supportive and I don't know why sometimes, but I do know that I want to give what we have a real shot. As I type this he's sound asleep in my lap and my heart feels so full again for the first time in I can't even honestly remember. If I am worth all the baggage that I have to him, then he deserves my heart, my whole heart... I can't let part of me miss you anymore, I can't hang on to the last shreds of what we have... I don't want to anymore anyways. Before I couldn't imagine my life without you in it... Now I just can't imagine going on like this any longer. Im ready to move on and let go of my life in Atlanta that I loved so much because my life here is full in ways it never has been my entire life. I have so many new friends, so much opportunity, and so much support, that being back in Michigan doesn't seem so damn awful anymore. In fact, the connections that I am making really would make it hard to leave at this point. I can't believe how strange it is to fall in love again so soon and with such ease. But honestly we can't deny that we have something pretty special and we both had fought so hard against it at first yet neither of us could bring ourselves to walk away... The truth is he makes me really happy... I deserve this...  So thank you... Thank you for your time and for all the memories, I will cherish them forever. Thank you for helping me to get my life on track and for being there when I had no one else. Thank you for loving me for as long as you did, but most of all, thank you for letting me go. You helped me grow in so many ways as a person and in the end you caused me to also become independent and brave in ways I never was before my time in ATL. I will always be grateful. I hope that you will find it in your heart to be happy for me when you find out that I have moved on. I hope that we never develop feelings of resentment for one another... What we had was really special and it would break my heart to see all that love we had for one another turn as cold as stone. You broke my heart into a million pieces, but thats life, I know you never meant to. I still hope that you find happiness and all that you are looking for in life. I wish nothing but the best for you on your journey into this next chapter of our lives and I hope once the dust settles you will want the same for me. Regardless of how it turns out, I get to put myself first now and I am ready to accept whatever the outcome is because I choose my happiness over everything else. Life is too short to waste your time holding on to something thats holding you back and I am really excited to see what comes next because I know its going to be good... And above all I know I am going to accomplish great things in my future. The path that now lies ahead of me may be bumpy and full of uncertainty- and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared- but I know it will reward me and that it will be worth the struggle and the pain along the way. Im ready to start the journey... I couldn't do this next part without all the tools that all of my life experiences have given me and without the newfound confidence that I have in myself. I know now that I am meant to continue this quest on my own and that everything turned out the way that it was supposed to. I never wanted to lose you, but I know I need to prove to myself that I can stand on my own if I ever hope to succeed. For loving me enough to set me free... I thank you... 

[kittengiacalone11]

Taking You In...

For a moment my wild chaos inside settles gently into a low murmuring, A soft hum replacing the usually disorienting assault of rapid fire thoughts ... I am present ... In this moment with you I become aware of how your skin feels so strangely and wonderfully soft under my fingertips

The way your arm is wrapped around my back holding me close to you, not letting go even as you drift off to sleep

How your hand has somehow found mine, a sensation I have grown quite dearly fond of

The way my head lays so comfortably against your chest

How your breath hits my face in cool waves

And how all of this together lulls me gently into a calm- one I cannot get to by myself...