klassickdei

[klassickdei]

#07 - being unprepared

hi. welcome back again. it’s been a while since I said hi^^

a year is already over. time flies, right? is everyone doing all right? I want to tell you all that you've done a great job, you've been able to endure well and come all the way.

for me, there was a bunch of stuff that I had to do, but I couldn’t keep up with it 'cause I was feeling drained and I had to pressure my mind, my body, and everything. there is still this feeling of being lost.

the most flustering moment I felt these days was when I must meet new people, and introduce myself. I have no plans to get to know that person, and I don't even know if I'll see them frequently or not. I prefer staying at home for a whole week rather than going outside.

i’m starting to understand and relate to those people who disappear when going through stuff and reappear later after they've sorted themselves out. sometimes someone just needs a break from everyone, everything, and it's okay.

on my silent days, I hope everyone knows how I questioned my worth and purpose, but still held onto the faith that God had a plan for me. I wish they would know how hard I've tried to keep on living.

I turning 25 this year, I know it's still young… but, why do I always feel so behind? trying to keep up with society's pace on a path that's not even mine. sometimes I feel like I live in my head so much, that I've forgotten how to live in the present. I overthink the details and I miss the big picture.

people tell me to just 'chill' and 'stop worrying so much' as if I chose to overthink… I can't shut off my brain and somehow, it's always the loudest when it's the quietest. comparison has robbed me empty, and I've forgotten how to be kind to myself.

so, instead of worrying about being unprepared, I'm choosing to feel hopeful. no matter what unexpected challenges await me, I'll do my best. most of the time, the answer I am looking for is right in front of me, but most of the time I am too busy looking for it everywhere else.

–

not being understood used to be my biggest fear. it's feel hurts due to feeling that it's unfair. one of the top painful things is unfairness. and there are times when I can't explain things I feel unfair about, it feels so hurtful.

but in the end (I'm still working on it), I changed my mind that it's okay to be misunderstood. I am trying to stop explaining myself, it doesn't matter what others say or think. if someone is committed to misunderstanding you, no amount of explanation will ever change their minds. not everyone will understand your journey and that's okay. you are here to live your life, not to make everyone understand. I feel more comfortable after that.

I'm that weak kind of a person, so what? I'm having a hard time but that doesn't mean I gave up. I just have to admit the fact that I'm having a hard time.

happiness isn't something to reach, it's a feeling. someone I know on the internet says: 'no matter what goals I reach, if I don't learn to FEEL happy, I'll never truly BE happy.' and I couldn't agree more.

february is passing by fast. I am still struggling to find the flow within myself. a big reminder for myself this month is to let go. sometimes I overstress myself by trying too hard. less is more.

that’s all for today. thanks always, don’t forget to drink your water and I hope many good things happen to you!

until next time. 02.2025 from ra.

[klassickdei]

#06 - she laughs a lot but never stays happy.

hi. welcome back again. it’s been a while since I wrote an update.

maybe some of you want to ask me “where the hell you've been?”. It’s 3:18 am and I decided to get my shxt together and sit down to write an update. I hope y'all are doing okay just checking in on you.

If I were asked to go back to the past and live again, just like I've lived so far, I don't have the confidence to live the same way. these days, unexpected things keep happening… everything is unfamiliar and I'm not good at it the misfortune keeps catching on, and difficulties that I can't bear keep coming to me… since I'm an adult, of course, I want to overcome it bravely. but, now, I'm a little tired, too. I'm having a hard time. nobody thinks they should save me, 'cause I’m doing well. I don’t let it show, but I’ve been through some shxt.

are things sometimes tough for you, too? but, in life you gotta find your flow, you gotta get your attempts out things aren't just going to click it's gonna take a while, trial and error.

it will take time and you will doubt yourself a lot. most of your battles will be fought internally, but it will get you closer to where you want to be.

there are actions you can take to release yourself from emotional pain or self-centeredness, but most of those actions have an element of focusing on yourself before you start focusing on others. I don't think it's wrong to choose ourselves first, but society does think that it's wrong.

for example, maintaining a healthy lifestyle requires effort and discipline, and so does dealing with the consequences of poor health. whenever I'm dealing with a tough situation, I always remind myself that I always have a choice. most people are rushing to make a choice, without realizing what any of it means. It scares me to think that most of us have no idea what we're doing, and simply doing the best we can with what we have. It's terrifying to imagine that no one has all of the answers and that it is ultimately up to me to make my path.

I have a million thoughts in my head, I am repeating the same questions over and over. it feels like this pain will be forever and there is nothing ahead of me but darkness. feel like I might not make it through. a part of me is questioning if it's even worth making it through. but I know I've been through this before, and I can do this again. I'll get through it. I'll get over it. and I trust that I'll be fine.

I never think about how much time has passed. we are blessed with all this time, but not all of us are lucky enough to utilize it.

a part of being an adult … living with regret and not allowing it to consume you. every day you have to remind yourself to be kind and forgiving of yourself. you accept and love yourself from the past and understand that it's all a part of the process. then you live your best life, knowing now as old as you feel today, you'll never be this young again.

however, I hope someday you find a safe person. a safe person that you can call a safe place where what you feel is valid, where you can be understood, a safe person where you can tell when you're happy, not only when you're sad. a safe person who asks you "how was your day?". because we need a safe person with whom we can open up and tell our story freely. having someone who is excited to talk with you is the best feeling.

I'm forever grateful to the people who checked on me when I just hinted that I was not okay. one sentence that I always remember:

"be sad but get up"

that sentence encouraged me a lot. I'm the type of person who might have gained strength by just hearing those words.

despite the hard parts that happen, there are parts that I am really grateful for. but the problem is I have no one to celebrate with. I'm too afraid about people’s reactions. because something that I think is "big", may not be "big" according to other people. it's hurts when you feel excited about something but the other person doesn't give you the same vibe. what I learned is, your experiences shape you into the person you are today. be proud of yourself even with the smallest progress you've made so far, even if you don’t have someone to celebrate with, you have yourself, and yourself is always enough.

when people leave your side one by one, I hope all the writings in here are the light that helps you to shine again. I'm trying my best to update regularly, but it's not easy. still, I hope y'all always looking forward to it. last but not least, "you have survived every single thing you thought you wouldn't". always remember that.

not sure if I can give any recommendations… but there you go k-dramas: 1. my sweet mobster (놀아주는 여자), 2. miss night and day (낮과 밤이 다른 그녀) songs: 1. Maki – dilaw (yellow), 2. Halsey – Without Me, 3. 데이식스 (DAY6) - 놓아 놓아 놓아 (Letting Go)

that’s all for today. thanks for tuning in, don’t forget to drink your water and I hope many good things happen to you!

until next time. 07.2024 from ra.

[klassickdei]

pointless life updates #05 - Everything is a choice

hello. welcome back to another episode of my pointless life updates.

it’s been an entire year since I wrote an update lol. ehehe sorry, but I managed to write again before the year passed. this year, I feel so overwhelmed and I have to pressure my mind, my body, and everything. I just turned 23. and yes my opinion is still the same. the struggles in the process of adulting are so damn hard.

as I said, about the future… is uncertain. It always has been but these days seems even more uncertain. that's right, everything ahead is an unknown. and I am slowly starting to be okay with it. there is still a gap from where I am to where I want to be. but I know it's possible now.

these past three years are the chapter of my life that is meant for me to do it alone. maybe this is what I need to go through to evolve into the next version of myself. I am hoping that in the next year, I will be able to find the person/people. it’s always about the people. having someone who believes in me can make a tremendous difference, especially during days when I don’t believe in myself.

flaws are human, and the attraction of art is the humanity held in it. we're all different and we're all imperfect, and the imperfections are what makes each of us and our work unique and interesting. let people doubt you. you don't need to prove anything to anyone but yourself. you are not living to satisfy other people's expectations. there will always be people who doubt and talk shit about you. let them do their thing, and focus on doing yours.

what I learned is, it's better to be alone than to be with someone toxic. let them go, you will always be glad that you did. not everyone will like us. so surround yourself with the ones who do. you can't keep playing those guessing games. if you can't figure out what they want, maybe you should tell them what you want. this applies the same when you like or love someone. if you like/love someone, tell them. they can't read your mind.

I have the experience, and I never regret doing it. the result can be good or bad it depends on your goals. if you just want to tell them about how you feel, then whatever their response or choice, it is always positive. but if your goal is you want to start a relationship with them, then you should be ready for whatever their response, is because it's an open ending. they will either accept you, then you will get what you want. or they will reject you, and you can move on and focus on the next thing. it is not a failure, it's just part of a life lesson.

most people aren't forever, don't expect them to be. always remember that.

not sure if I can give any recommendations… but there you go - series: K-drama: Live your own life 효심이네 각자도생 (2023) [FYI: it is still ongoing, it is a weekend drama slot (which means will have 50 episodes)] Legal platform: VIU - songs: Kenshi Yonezu - Lemon, Macaroni Empitsu - Ringyu Love - movie: The childe (2023) Legal platform: VIU

that’s all for today. thanks for tuning in and don’t forget to drink your water.

until next time. 12.2023 from ra.

[klassickdei]

pointless life updates #04 - I've been through a lot, but I'm ok with it.

hi. welcome back to another episode of my pointless life updates. it’s been an entire month since I wrote an update. like october, november was also a hectic month for me, it was wild. my body was sending signals that I need to rest. and I do feel drained. but I know I am capable of continuing the run. I know that I must run. I can rest when I'm done. some parts are painless. but of course, some other parts are not. talking about "changing" yourself. what about that? changing yourself means giving up on yourself until now, denying yourself until now, and never again showing the face of yourself until now, as if you were sending it to its grave. it is a good thing? this is not such an easy thing to talk about. that is why people do not try to change and why they want to feel okay with things as they are, no matter how tough life gets. and end up living in search of  "okay as I am". there's a monolog in me. "I'm sorry for making the most beautiful time of the life into a sad memory" but it always ends up "I am who I am now because of the time I spent with you, thank you for making precious lessons & memories with me." every person has sad experiences and setbacks and suffers unbearable treatment and also great disappointment. but some people refer to tragedies as 'lessons' or 'memories'. do people know how long I doubted myself? I'm sure they don't. I am the one who knows how much I've worked hard and gone through. I don't let it show, but I've been through some shit. people only know the result, but I, who know the process, am so proud of myself. and talking about being alone... as I said that I am comfortable doing all things alone because I barely find someone who believes in me and in the same frequency, I even fear I am too comfortable being alone and might struggle with letting someone in. I have someone that I adored so much, I truly appreciated him, he always motivated me in many ways. BUT I think he doesn't like me as I did. I confessed but the response is not so clear to me, anyway even IF he does love me, mAyBE we can not be in a relationship? as it is NOT my priority at the moment... but there are days when I feel like there is a void in my life. there are days when I wish I was in a loving relationship or wonder if I will ever find THE person. hahah such an irony. december will be no different. I had to do final exams, and I plan to back home as soon as possible. so that is making me so "lively" but in all the good ways. after going back home, I do not have anything I should do for my study thing, but I still have some work and projects for clients that I had to finish by the end of the year. that is also the reason why I still didn't tell anybody but my family about my d-day coming back home. less than a month 'til coming back home idk what is going to happen after. but I am excited and my plans are wide open for january. maybe I'll arrange a trip or staycation as a "self-reward?". ehehe idk yet. yet persevered toward, surer for the distance; Instead of saying "see you again", I'm sure it's right to say "goodbye" to this era/part of me living in Indralaya-Palembang, South Sumatera. not say that I don't wanna go back here again, just... the story of these 5 months in here right now, I want it to be a precious lesson. last but not least, I wanna recommend songs.. it’s… "회전목마 (Feat. Zion.T, 원슈타인) (Prod. Slom)" by sokodomo as well as "Ref:rain" by エメ. that’s all for today. thanks for tuning in and don’t forget to drink your water. happy holiday, see you next year. 12.2022 from ra.

[klassickdei]

pointless life updates #03 - how'd you feel on twenty-something?

hello. welcome back again to another episode of pointless life updates. as usual, I’m sitting in my room drinking my regular water, listening to my favorite bands back to the 2010s and I thought it is already time to write another sentence again. wow, time flies. how was october? It was a full hectic month for me... there was a bunch of stuff that I had to do. I feel drained after working all day all night. I thought that my body was going to break into pieces. I need other people to take control. I'm tired of always taking the lead... ok back to the topic. now over 2 years since the pandemic happen. it’s actually going to be 2023 soon (lmao wtf). and I'll be 22 in just a month. I still can't believe it. as I said in the last episode "the future is uncertain. It always has been but seems even more uncertain now." it really does feel it. my vision of this life is the tenacity to make things work and be helpful to others. slowly, I find myself back on the path of chasing after the best version of myself. here, I spent my time temporarily in south sumatera before turning 22... it's something exciting, confusing, and struggling at the same time. but as I said, I hope it’s going as great as it can be. BUT I always try to find my way back. tbh I think most of it is really just about finding the right people to be with. it’s always about the people. having someone who believes in me can make a tremendous difference, especially during days where I don't believe in myself. we all have days where we doubt ourselves. having someone who believes in you may be all you need to get through those days. the problem is I barely find it in both my hometown and here in south sumatera, that's why I am comfortable doing it all alone (just alone, not feeling lonely at all). so, it seems to me that my struggle as a twenty-something is about finding comfort in a community of like-minded people. before I made this decision, I have so many questions in my head, forced to get the answers, and yet didn’t find them. I think I will only get the answers if I took this opportunity, and yea, it feels like I found half of it… and that's okay I don't have to evaluate things right after making the decision.. we won't know it so quickly. this is all a process. I’ve always seen it as a process. it’s just that sometimes I lose sight of the process and I get caught within myself and end up being stuck. or sometimes I struggle with finding the willpower to continue moving forward in this process. I think it takes time for your life to become the way you imagine it to be. and in the process of doing so, you just gotta grind it out and keep forging your imagination. I still believe that if I keep going, something will eventually make sense. and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. not like it's the end of the world. by the way, I do start watching a new k-drama, it's called "청춘 블라썸", (or "Seasons of Blossom" in English (I believe kkkk, hope I got it right)). I watching on Rakuten Viki, I'm at episode 14. I used to subscribe to Disney+ and iQiyi, but because I have to watch this drama on Rakuten Viki (which is a different platform), I decided to unsubscribe iQiyi. This drama is so sad, BUT it makes me warm and also comfortable (yes, I know it's weird) feels like this drama is "hugging" me **do yourself a favor and go see it, it is still ongoing. There is also a k-drama called "치얼업 (Cheer Up)” that I want to watch, but it seems to airing on Viu (cryingㅠㅠㅠ) rn it's free UP TO Episode 4. so, I think I will watch it when it ended, so I can watch all episodes for free (w/ ads) without buying a Viu pass. FYI, I also have subscribed to Spotify and YouTube for a long time. same as I subscribed to Disney+ a year now (maybe) and I enjoyed all the shows, I have some American series that are still ongoing, and that's why I cannot unsubscribe from Disney+. so when there's a new platform to subscribe to I should let the other go ㅋㅋㅋ and I choose iQiyi. AS I THINK ABOUT IT, it is also a struggle for someone in their twenty-something, right? hahaha... you cannot always make the right decision. especially when you don't know what the right decision is. but you can always change it when you find out that a decision you made earlier was wrong. it's okay if you're not the best version of urself rn, it's okay if you've been feeling like shit, and it's also okay if you don't even know why. pls remember to always take care of urself, you deserve to take a breath, and relax for a moment. when in doubt, go back to choosing yourself. I’ll wrap it out with a quote from (forever!!!) my favorite movie of all time “You doubt your value. Don't run from who you are.” - Aslan. last but not least, I wanna recommend songs.. it’s… “Better Alone” by Peder Elias, "Don't Tell My Mom" by Reneé Rapp, and “덮어 (Feat. 로꼬(LOCO))” by TRADE L. these songs really related to me... always on repeated these days, and I feel warm when listening to them. that’s all for today. thanks for tuning in and don’t forget to drink your water. until next time. 11.2022 from ra.

[klassickdei]

pointless life updates #02 - inside, they talk about all their plans

hi. welcome to another episode of pointless life updates. I’m sitting in my room drinking my hot chocolate, listening to k-ballad beats and I thought maybe it is time to write another sentences. how was september? It was an ok month for me. I think we’re all trying to manage as best as we can, and it’s okay to have ups and downs. I truly believe in the positive impact of focusing on the good and being mindful of the things you’re grateful for to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling down, sometimes you just have to let yourself feel instead of bottling it all up. what we need is to remind ourselves to spend less time comparing our behind-the-scenes to others’ highlight posts/reels/fyps and more time to finding tiny joys. where do you think the burden of the pressure came from? in my perspective, it's from expectations. and you know what? the worst one is not coming from yourself, it's from your closest one. I think we all come across this feeling when we're asked "when are you going to...?", or "do you have any plan...?". I mean... of course, we do have plans... but sometimes it’s better to keep silent and not waste time on explanations. just because to keep what private to be always private. not to share with anyone. here I am, currently far from home, before I made this decision, I have so many questions in my head, forced to get the answers, and yet didn't find them. I think I will only get the answers if I took this opportunity, and yes, feels like I found half of it... I had my life all planned out to happen a certain way and within a certain time, and it definitely didn’t happen how I pictured it. which sometimes is okay! the future is uncertain. It always has been but seems even more uncertain now. the thing is, none of us have been through something like this exact moment before. this is hard for everyone. everyone’s experience and feelings are unique and valid. we all are humans, who have different feelings, because again, we are not the same, we have that "unique" character, time, and journey. minding your own business is amazing, but also comes along with the greatest sense of pressure. every single decision comes down to you, and only you. not like the last time, when I'll wrap it out with a quote, this time, I'll just end it with some words... some people just need a high-five. in the face with a chair. LMAO last but not least, I wanna recommend songs.. it’s… “Answer” by 幾田りら, and “golden hour” by JVKE. that’s all for today. thanks for tuning in and don’t forget to drink your water. until next time. 10.2022 from ra.

[klassickdei]

pointless life updates #01 - far from home

hello.

welcome to the first episode of my pointless life updates.

I hope y'all doing okay just checking in on you... if you've been struggling this past few weeks, same with me bestie. me too. just hoping going to get better. it’s 11:39 am and I’ve spent most of today not really doing anything much so I decided to get my shit together and sit down to write an essay. I had my regular water ㅋㅋㅋ and also a home-made potato+소세지+sambel (just a random combination of things) for breakfast.

it’s been a month since I left my hometown, and started living in south sumatera. I remember for the past 2 years, I was sitting on a lot of “what will I do with my life once the pandemic is over?” thoughts. then early this year it comes the pandemic is almost over (hopefully) and the world is getting better. I was looking at the sky and thinking about I needed to be doing something. I can’t get stuck anymore. and trying to do something extremely new. everybody loves to tell me, that I was born an old soul... but there's so much that I don't know... better keep my eyes wide open. not every decision you make is going to put you over the top. and I think my decision to take this opportunity and come to palembang-indralaya, it’s going as great as it can be. there is still this feeling of being lost. I don’t know where I’m going to end up. I don't even know what's going on for dinner lmao. it does get lonely sometimes. but I got used to it. meeting new people and move on to different directions and then gotta meet people again. and then move on and gotta do it again. definitely, my introverted characteristic is feeling anger lol. I speak with my facial expressions more than I do with my words.

the past month has been rough. there was a bunch of stuff that I had to do but I couldn’t do it because I was sick. and there were people relying on me to get some stuff done that I couldn’t keep up with because I was feeling so overwhelmed. plus+ something bad happened in my home in my hometown. huh, I had a war, with my own self, my own mind. :(

BUT I had some memorable experiences...

aug 7, decided to go out, bought some furniture, and tried my first ever "ayam geprek" here. but turns out it's not the "ayam geprek" that I am familiar with. the chicken is ordinary fried chicken............ yea you know what I MEAN... and the most interesting thing is that they eat it with soup/? idk you name it... yea yea weird... :( but as long as there is a sambel.. 100% have no problem with it. I can eat it forever.

aug 9, started reading a new book! I have so many reading lists, but I have no time:( currently, I read a book by Japanese authors, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, The Courage to be Happy: True Contentment Is Within Your Power (English edition), also, resume reading a manhwa named 이번 생도 잘 부탁해 by 이혜 (Lee Hey) 작가님.

aug 11, first-time faculty TOUR! my faculty color is kinda interesting, it's PURPLE! heheh. I found it cool because the building is literally in LIGHT purple. yea, not an ordinary purple. the tour is NOT fun. feeling exhausted and I am literally sweating A LOT. my bad for saying that the campus is BIG. no! the faculty itself is SO BIGGGGGG!

aug 13, went to some places with my faculty (of engineering) from my host university in Palembang (such as Jakabaring Sport City [venue of the 18th Asian Games Jakarta-Palembang 2018]; the uni Palembang campus; Ampera Bridge; LRT Station; and last but not least OPI Mall). saved my precious money because I had free lunch lol.

aug 17, the independence day of Indonesia, yeaa I had to wake up at 6 am. and get ready for the ceremony. but, not the formal one.

aug 18, I WANT "SATE AYAM". but end up didn't get one. :( + started watching a new Korean drama called "Adamas".

aug 24, submitted my first ever deadline of the semester, that the lecturer gave the assignment just right before the day! and bcs of my health, I decided to begin work on it d-day at 3 am. and I have extra feeling proud of the outcome.

aug 25, me and my friends tried to go to the mall in Palembang by ourselves. it's an uneasy and excruciating experience, but we tried to enjoy the process lol. and we decided to go to PI. we ate some japanese meals, bought groceries, etc. we go out at 9 am, it takes one and a half to reach Palembang, from our place(main campus), then we back at 2.30 pm, and set foot on our place at 4.15 pm. ofc feeling exhausted.

aug 28, originally I should attend a "lomba 17an" , but it was my 1st day of (a girl) period. sad. so I stayed in my room.

aug 31, submitted my second+third assignment of the semester (a different subject as before). actually, the lesson is a little bit the same as back in my freshman year, but because of that I NEEDED TO FIGURED IT OUT! lol.

sept 4, nothing much different, still struggling... with this and that.

I'll wrap it out with a quote from the book I currently reading "because the reality right in front of us never waits—it's moving constantly from moment to moment. you can't just sit back and do nothing!" –youth, preamble xiv

last but not least, I wanna recommend songs.. it’s... "call me a quitter" by New Hope Club, and (forever!!!) my favorite of all time "the call" by Regina Spektor.

that’s all for today. thanks for tuning in and don’t forget to drink your water.

until next time. 09.2022 from ra.

[klassickdei]

x x

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Katharina Hvalur

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Submitted by @mrgulogulo

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CityLatte

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Lagoa do Fogo, São Miguel | Manuela Juliano

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Small decor details ✨ just got bunny tails and new artwork and need to sort them out 🌟 nothing like the feeling of having a fresh space to decorate ahh

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Happy Earth Day!

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