kn0ckkn0ckneo

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

i think i did it wrong. i think i failed. i think i came to this life i failed & it terrifies me that i will have ti come back again & do this again. i fucked up. i’m a horrible person. they say your mistakes & pain give you wisdom & experience. i’d rather be dumb & naive. if only i could go back. i feel like i’ve been doing it wrong since i was a kid. ever since i let my uncle touch me. ever since i let my cousins “play” with me & i was only 4yrs old & i got in trouble for it somehow. why didn’t i know better? you know, all that shit really fucked me up. so many injustices i had to sit through. fuck. i know my parents are not the same people they used to be but i wish i could fucking shake their heads & scream at them -“wtf were you thinking?! i was just a KID!” & things only got worse w/time. i’m not one to hold on to grudges or to things i don’t have control over. idk why everything is coming to me rn.

i feel so lost. so out of touch. i have no ground beneath me. seems my roots have loosened from the soil & i have fallen. i’m floating. floating away. i have no one to talk to talk to, no one really. everything is always so superficial it hurts. people say, “call me anytime you need me” “i’m here for you” & i’m sure they mean it to some degree but i can’t help but feel the emptiness in their words. who could i ever tell? i could never tell a soul who i am, really. at least not who i was. who i was is not who i am but she still haunts me. i can feel her crawling up my skin reminding me she will always be there. it’s not fair. we always want to point fingers, don’t we? if i had a stable home… if my dad would’ve been a protective father, if my mother wasn’t always angry, violent & abusive… maybe i would’ve just stayed home. maybe i would’ve not ended up on the streets being around people you’d never believe.

how the fuck did that happen? fuck! i wish i could just take it all back. people always tell me, wow bunny, you’re so wise. wow bunny you are on another level. yeah, well, while you were out there living a normal life worrying about if the guy you were into was into you too & what you should wear, i was just a 20yr old girl involved in dark things just trying to survive. learning to read people out of survival. & you ask me “how are you so cold?” “how are you able to be so blunt?” because life fucked me raw, hunny. when i was just a kid.

i don’t have anything to live for except for my cats. i feel like i am meant to walk this path alone because i don’t deserve love. someone like me should not be allowed to love or to be loved. i’m disgusting. i hate that i fucked up. i need to run away. the wind is taking me & i have nothing or no one to hold me down.

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

i should be asleep by now, but i can’t stop thinking about the man w/the black eyeballs. not black iris, whole entire black eyes. it’s been two years since then, but every so often the memory of those eyes pop up in my head. i’ll never forget that. yes, i was just coming down from a mushroom trip & you can think what you want, but i swear i know what i saw. you can see through the many veils, you gain a superpower for a while.

i remember how shocked & scared i was & my face did not hide it. he noticed that i saw him. that SAW him or it or whatever that was.

i’ve never investigated what that could be, but i’m curious to know now.

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

who are you? i can’t stop thinking about you ever since i saw you in my dreams. are you someone i’m going to meet in the future? are you someone from an alternate universe? or could you be family from the past… or part of my star being life? i need to know who you are. please tell me, who are you?

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

i’m sitting in the parking lot inside my car, that same parking lot from 3yrs ago when i didn’t know what was happening to me. a parking lot was the safest place i could find. i remember sitting here in this exact same spot, wanting to rip my heart out of my chest. the anxiety was killing me. i wanted to run far away but didn’t know where. no one to talk to, no one to count on, suicide being my only choice. it definitely has been God’s grace that saved me… & the devil’s free will that almost destroyed me. even though i am doing so good now, nothing has been the same ever since. i feel like i actually did stay dead. i’m content, i am grateful to be where i am, but how am i so emotionless? nothing moves me, i still haven’t found that thing to die for. “i just want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live.” this is going to sound so egotistical & god complex-like, but i feel that i’ve understood the meaning of life. a lot of it, anyway. to live, is to die. to live is to die… to live is to DIE. the first lesson to understand the meaning of life is detachment in all aspects. detach from fear, from codependency, from love, from “needing” to be loved. detach from money, material things, fleshly desires. detachment from reactive behavior, being impulsive. when you’ve managed to do all of this, you are able to detach from life itself, you see? what is the ONE thing that everyone fears? Death. nobody wants you to take your own life, “oh no, don’t do that! you have so much to do! so much to live for!” oh yeah? well… what about when we do die? “they’re in a better place now.” so why will you not let me be in a better place? the bible speaks about it but nobody understands lol nobody gets it! surrender your life, it says. surrender from all things. the bible glorifies death & nobody talks about that. i’m not saying i’m suicidal, because i don’t think i’m in that place anymore. not in a depressed way. i’m going to take myself to death one day, but not because of depression. i love being alive but god, i can’t wait to die.

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

otra más no. por favor

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

regresé. regresé por que no hay mejor lugar en donde hablar de esto más que aquí. cada uno de mis blogs contiene cierta atmósfera & no hay mejor lugar que este en particular para hablar de extraterrestres, obscuros del bajo astral, muertos & demonios.

who does one talk to of such themes? i know the world is not ignorant to them, but when will i be able to sit down & talk to someone who knows, who’s lived it like me? siempre supe que iba a terminar sola, pero nunca me imaginé porqué. estoy cansada, muy cansada. estuve casi 2 meses peleando por mi libertad, por liberarme de un muerto que quería pegarse a mi & no quería irse. ayer por fin se fue & se que no lo hice sola.

i had the pleasure of being in the company of a Cuban Babalawo, a high priest of the santería religion. he was kind enough to enlighten my knowledge in their practices & beliefs. it took me 2 weeks to get rid of this dead spirit, he said it only takes him 15 minutes. he taught me how to get rid of them for next time, oh yeah because there will be a next time.

que chinga. perro karma. de todos los 12 karmas disponibles, saturno tuvo que caer en mi casa 8. como le explicas a las personas que no tienes ganas de salir porque traes a un demonio o a un muerto robando tu energía actualmente/queriendo poseerte & lo único que puedes hacer ahorita es dormir & estar enfermo/a? no lo haces. no puedes & por eso es una vida tan solitaria. & me caga la gente hippie positiva- cállense alv no saben nada. imbeciles.

hace unos días estaba afuera en la noche viendo a las estrellas. me puse a pensar en todas las experiencias ET que he vivido & en como ya tiene varios meses que no experimento nada. a veces esos espacios de “silencio” & de “nada” me hacen dudar de las cosas que me pasaron. me pongo a pensar en.. & si realmente no pasaron? conforme va pasando el tiempo lo veo más imposible. siempre que me pongo así & miro al

cielo salen & hacen un zigzag c/sus naves solo para decirme que me siguen viendo & siguen cuidándome. pero eso no es suficiente. a veces me molesto mucho al punto de llorar de coraje porque yo no pedí esto. porqué me muestran aquel mundo para luego abandonarme? cual es el punto de ello? siento tanta impotencia porque no puedo llegar a ellos por voluntad propia. no tengo esa habilidad & no se si pueda llegar a tenerla algún día.

anoche tuve un sueño que siento que fue un poco más que un sueño. visité un lugar que parecía como un tipo backroom pero había un portal que lucía como unas vitrinas grandes & ahí estaban 3 naves c/sus luces rojas. solo hicieron unas señales c/sus luces & se fueron. me dejaron en compañía de unos guías espirituales pero yo lloraba mucho & les gritaba que no me dejaran. les pedí que me llevaran c/ellos pero se fueron.

no veo una realidad en donde yo elegí por voluntad propia estar aquí en este planeta tierra. no le encuentro el sentido ni la motivación. no me gusta la experiencia humana & eso suena tan delulu que me enoja. lo único que tengo por seguro es que esto, nada de esto me gusta.

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

every certain amount of years i abandon my tumblr account & i start a new one. i’ve been doing that since 2012. i don’t delete them or anything, i just leave them like a ghost town. so just like this account i have multiple other accounts w/different names that would never be connected to me or my other accounts in any way. my whole biography is scattered in pieces all over the internet. i’ve left trails & clues in each account that could eventually connect one to my accounts, but you gotta find the first one for that & that would only happen through luck. it’s time i pay my farewells to this account & the second one connected to this one. i’m off to my new adventure 🌊🐚🏹🤍 well alrighty… 🎶

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

i forgot to talk about what happened through the night last night. it was very odd. my spiritual sensei visited through astro projection to tell me to protect my ears because they can enter through there too. & then she said “están enojados.” so weird!! & now that i think of it… i influenced my landlord to get rid of his santería stuff, maybe it has to do w/that. but it’s not like he’s a puppet. he’s very aware of his spiritual awakening.

also, last night i dreamt a UFO came to visit my window & i heard the wolves howling. i was like half awake & half not & i know i heard the wolves howling. the UFO was somewhat discal but seemed to have a bit of a dome type shape also.

i need my partner in crime. beside every good cult leader needs a great partner in crime. i think Jim Jones had his partner too, only he did an awful thing, but idk. sometimes i feel like he was on to something, he just took a very dark approach to it.

anyway, i thought that maybe in our community we could all work together in helping out. like we can have our farmers, & then we can have a knitting team that makes blankets & warm clothing & we can have our doctors/healers & we all trade & help each other out. is it crazy? i don’t want people to have to worry about money. i understand money will be required to make this happen, but i just have a feeling a lot of it, somehow is going to fall into place. we have to learn how to make pet food from the kitchen as well. maybe we can even build a temple.

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

not too long ago i went on a rant about how i changed my mind about having a cult because everyone was overwhelming me & then i deleted that rant, but i changed my mind again. i think i will. i think i'm destined to do it, actually. i've been doing a lot of astrology studying w/my birth chart, reading about destiny & life purpose points & well, i have Vx in the 5H w/scorpio. of course... of course! i've always been the peacemaker between people. always magic & the occult being involved. also, i "saved" my landlords marriage, according to him. he is no longer getting a divorce & is on a honeymoon stage w/his wife. now he has offered to build me a house & make sure i'm taken care of for the rest of my life LOL. my landlord is a really cool dude because we share pretty similar points of view & he also wants to build a new world. he's a bit too capitalist for the type of mission i'm on, but his intentions are good. i know there is a purpose for our encounter, so i will just need to keep my eyes wide open & a good listening ear. he also believes that in order to create a new world, we might have to destroy it. i'm okay w/that. do not put me w/a cancer or capricorn placement people because we WILL take over the world. but it's not about taking over, i know that. this community i plan on building will be an off grid self sufficient place. i have learned to love living in the desert because it's dry. i don't think i will like to live any place tropical because i don't like humidity. living in the woods could also be an option. solar panels are fucking expensive, but some way, somehow we will make it work. we might not even use solar panels. we might even do it old school. but, idk. we'll see. i need my internet & i need to play my music. in this community we will teach people about healing & the power they have within. we will teach them about love, the occult sciences & the matrix. these people, they will have to be chosen because we will be working with energy manipulation. a bit how i came here, now that i think of it. i feel like life is putting all the right people in my life. the other day i met this guy, a capricorn btw, he & his best friend whom is a scorpio thought about building a community based on free love. their idea is more sexual which i am not into, but they have a pretty good understanding of love & are very woke & self aware. idk why i've created this repulsive nature when i think about somebody touching me. i need to dig into that. but anyway, i just wanted to jot down my thoughts as of lately.

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

they came down w/their triangle shaped ship, they had a humanoid body but their face was covered by light, or their whole head was a beam of light. as they stood on each side of the ship, they telepathically said, “we’re not the illuminati, we’re the illuminated.” i’m going to draw what i saw, take a picture & post it when i have time. i needed to document this right now that it’s fresh. i’m going to add some notes so i don’t forget later.

• seemed to be in a field (woods or valley?)

• air seemed crisp

• naked bodies, but i did not see genitals. only the “female” had breasts, but i don’t think they were necessarily a female.

• they were both tall & thin, fair skin toned.

• the ship was a sandy color & it also looked like it was made of sand or stone. there was a space between the bottom of the ship & the rest of the body, or perhaps that part was invisible, but the bottom seemed to be floating apart from the rest of it.

• bright blue sky, a few clouds

• pine trees in the background

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

i have questions. questions about energy, light & dark & the power we give to it when we learn how to manipulation energy. i'm going down a spiral, going down a rabbit hole. i study many things at a time & currently that is no exception. i find myself studying one thing only to discover other matters, other subjects are involved & there i go adding to the pile of things to study. i've mainly been focusing on physics, religion & spirituality, but they all have tree branches. i am about to go down the rabbit hole of santeria. i've read about it & studied it very briefly & surface-level due to necessity, but now it is out of curiosity & to help in my theory. i am building a theory; of what, i don't know yet, but i'm going somewhere, this i know. as far as i know, santería goes way back to Africa/Haiti, connected to voodoo & then later adopted by the cubans & disguised it with saints/cathlothism. i want to create a solid explanation as to why their Deities have so much power on earth when it is a religion built by man. of course energy is involved, but i want to have a scientific explanation & a very layman's terms understanding for people to easily comprehend. like i said, i don't know the whys & hows or where of everything, i just know i have to & i want to.

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

forward motion. no friction to slow me down & no gravity to pull me down. i have a headache, my eyes feel heavy, perhaps from all the crying i did today, but i feel like i've been put in the washing machine on rinse mode all day.

by this point in my life i've understood that most things don't make sense & they aren't meant to. they're just meant to be. i know i'm not the only one experiencing this transmuting energy. today especially, November 8th, i feel that something has shifted on a mass level. scorpio season, an eclipse coming up soon & today... the 8th. the number 8 is a transformative state of being. it is ruled by pluto who also rules scorpio; sex, death, rebirth & taxes, amongst other things.

my whole life from a certain time back up until now, i've met very interesting & powerful people. by powerful i mean in all ways, both magical & material wise. what i'd like to understand about this is why? what is the reason for this? it is truly beyond me why i attract people w/such power & that they always listen to me. they always come to me for advice, always ask for my help in decision making & they become very attached to me. they are always much older than i am, yet when they stand before me they take off their masks of authority & responsibility & become vulnerable. they look like lost lambs looking for their shepard.

it's quite strange how i am experiencing loss all around me, but not directly towards me. one of my close friend's cat has cancer & will be put down tomorrow. today i said goodbye to my only close friend in cabo because she's moving back to our old city. my landlord who has become quite fond of me is going through a divorce & spiritual awakening. this man, despite all of the horrible things he says he has done, who he has been & what he believed in, did not scare me. he has a lot of power in the town i live in & somehow for some reason i was brought here. he owns two wolves. two real, wild wolves.

there is one thing that frightens me a bit & that is the drastic changes these people of power start making in their lives when they meet me. i'm going to share something that most would take as lunacy; i've always wanted to start a cult. i've always wanted to live in a small community in the middle of nowhere. to be surrounded by people with similar spiritual beliefs. surrounded by people who are against capitalism & want to create a new world. people who understand the meaning of love & the power it has. i am beginning to realize how much i want to find my soul tribe, my soul family as opposed to connecting w/a life partner. very strange changes are happening inside of me, but i also feel more real, more me everyday. i can see everything. sex no longer appeals to me. i find no pleasure in dressing seductively, on the contrary; i almost feel repulsed by it. i've been manifesting my breasts to shrink in size & for this i've been fasting. i don't want to be perceived as a sexual object. i want to be perceived for the love i have inside. in actuality, i don't quite care what i am perceived as, but i do know i don't want to be sexualized. i am a being. a being of love.