knicksrgr8

[knicksrgr8]

Everyday I wake up thinking what now. Sigh

[knicksrgr8]

Im just up thinking about how the men in my job are trash and then I realized that the women are also lowkey trash too. They just do a better job at covering it up. I don't know what's worse. It actually makes me so sad. It makes me think about society. These are the people teaching our children. Of course society is gonna be a reflection on these teachers. Or are these teachers just reflections of society? Whatever idk. Alot of these men are gonna grow up to be shamelessly trash and these women are gonna grow up to lowkey be trash.

[knicksrgr8]

I just can't stand stories about people going hungry. I can't stand them. It's because ive experienced the feeling of being hungry and there's nothing like it. It's truly torture.

I've minimized so many of my traumas just telling myself that I'm tough. I am tough but honestly all that stuff was a big deal. Somehow it feels immasculine to make it a big deal. Idk why I wanna feel so masculine. I don't know why it's such a big deal man. Who fucking cares if I'm masculine or not??? I do because I'm a clown. And so does society. Masculine men are more traditionally attractive and there is a perception that they're more successful. So of course you care you clown. Fuck man.

[knicksrgr8]

My hips hurt so bad. I want relief. Maybe I should go to a doctor. I probably won't. I always find ways to get hurt. I'm just reckless ig.

My mom has work tommorow from 10 to 9. That's a super long shift. I told her she shouldn't take it. But she said yes. We need money ig. Nah I don't wanna be passive agressive with my mom in this post. She has it hard. Life is just fucking tough ig.

Lol imma just lie there and watch overwatch league tmmrw. I guess that's okay. Maybe it's not okay. I kinda wanna cry. Happy birthday to me.

[knicksrgr8]

I think I've played more chess games this week than the amount of chess games the entirety of my neighborhood has played in their combined lifespans. I'm obsessed man. I wanna get good. When I watch people like Magnus play I feel like idek like an itch or something to get better. AHHHHHHH

[knicksrgr8]

It makes me so so sad hearing all these stories about content creators that I used to watch sexual abusing women/minors. It just makes me so so fucking sad. Like it's so disappointing and anxiety inducing.

Sometimes I start panicking because I feel like things are so hopeless. But that obviously isn't true. Theres been so much positive change through human history. It's just I don't think straight when the anxiety starts exploding. This summer I'm gonna be a force for change. I thought about doing climate activism but that shit is just a waste of fucking time. Corporations don't care. They'll only care when it affects business. I feel like people who do climate activism just feel powerless and this somehow makes them feel like they're having some impact. It's a coping mechanism in some sense. But I haven't found any good data based evidence to show that it works on a small scale. So instead I'mma do volunteer work to clean up rivers and shit because I also feel powerless and thisll be my coping mechanism for now. I swear though I'm gonna make bigger changes in my lifetime. I'm fucking determined. And maybe this is just me being arrogant (again( I feel like the arrogance isn't good but I can't help it (sigh))) but I KNOW that I can get some powerful position high up where I can control things. I have a plan. I'm gonna climb the ladder.

At first I thought my anxiety was crippling me from reaching my true potential. And maybe in some sense it is for a different field that I'm interested in (math or science). But I feel so passionate about so many things now because of my anxiety and I am going to make change happen because of that.

[knicksrgr8]

What the FUCK does this say. I'm left out of the joke :(

[knicksrgr8]

Can I watch a great film knowing the actresses in it were terrorized and mistreated the entire time? Can I watch a football game knowing that the players are getting brain injuries right before my eyes? Can I listen to my favorite albums anymore knowing that the singers were all beating their wives in between studio sessions? Can I eat at the new fancy taco place knowing when the building that used to be there got bulldozed eight families got kicked out of their homes so they could be replaced with condos and a chain restaurant? Can I wear the affordable clothes I bought downtown that were probably assembled in a sweatshop with child labor? Can I eat quinoa? Can I eat this burger? Can I drink this bottled water? Can I buy a car and drive to work because I’m sick of taking an hour each way on the subway? Whose bones do I stand on? Whose bones am I standing on right now? 

[knicksrgr8]

My dad and I were talking about how to get my bro into shape over the summer. I suggested that maybe we could put him in like a kids basketball program or something. But my dad said we could put him in like a karate program and that way he would learn self defense and get in shape plus he wouldn't have to worry about doing well. There would be no pressure. At first I was instantly against the idea. But then I just realized that I was projecting my own shitty past onto my brothers future and it honestly doesn't sound like a bad idea if he goes to a nontoxic place. The place I learned krav and jiu jitsu at was so toxic man. It was so pumped full of testosterone. Actually disgusting. My teacher, I respect him, he was an Israeli special forces commando, but he shouldn't be putting military culture into a class. Especially when there was a 15 year old kid.

But I'll find a nice place for my bro to learn this summer. He can learn jiu jitsu. Krav is too intense and violent. Karate isnt a real self defense technique. I'd also just rather him not learn how to punch and kick. I don't think he needs that. He'll be able to defend against anyone if he just knows how to grapple. When he's older he can decide if he wants to learn how to punch. I just rlly don't want him to get that violent culture into him.

[knicksrgr8]

I've been playing chess for the past 2 days trying so hard to reach 2050 rating on chess.com . My brain became mush in that time and now I'm mentally boomed. The GM's are rated atleast 2300. I wanna reach GM so bad. They've been playing chess all their life and I just started like 3 weeks ago man it's not fair. I've been reading a ridiculous amount of chess theory and strategy and been studying TOO MANY famous chess games. It's like obsessive almost for the past two days. It's so fun though it somehow feels like I'm doing high level math. Like I'm trying to find a proof for something I know is true. Idek it's such a weird feeling that I otherwise only get with research mathematics. I think it might be because the essence of chess is trying to find the absolute most effecient move. It's like solving a math problem in some ways ig.

I need chill with the chess though I'm actually getting worst at this point I think from playing too much. Its okay imma chill once I can compete with GM's that's my goal.

[knicksrgr8]

Bruh I've developed a new trigger: the fucking shower. It's because whenever I'm about to have a panic attack I just fucking run into the shower and douse myself with ice cold water to shock myself out of the panic. And I've done it so many times that I fucking get triggered when I step inside the shower for anything. BRUH. I never cease to amaze myself with new things I can be anxious about. Trauma amirite ladies HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'm unhappy

[knicksrgr8]

One of the corniest responses I hear during parent teacher conferences when their child isnt doing as well as the parent would like is when "my kid sits at home and plays video games or watches TV all day long" ESP WHEN THE KID IS NEXT TO THEM. First of all, what do you get out of humiliating your kid like that???? It is gonna help the problem to embarrass your kid in front of the teacher? Secondly are you not the parent? Do you not set the rules? What do you get out of telling me? Do you want me to do your job and tell the kid to stop playing too much? Or is their a deeper reason the kid isn't doing as well as you'd like? Are you deflecting the blame you fucking shitty parents? It makes me so mad. Another thing is like this is esp prevalent for those kids who in my eyes are doing well (90+) averages but in the parents eyes are somehow underperforming. It just makes me so mad. Let the kids live their lives man. The boy is already getting a 90 why can't he play videos games??? Becauae YOU want him to have a 98? It's SO hard to get a grade like that. You have to be like perfect on every test to achieve grades like that. Imo you have to be a high school prodigy to get a 98 in my math classes. Especially because I make a few questions (only worth a couple points) on the test especially hard to give a challenge to those who need the challenge.

Anyways way got off track but fuck those parents LMAO

[knicksrgr8]

This blackout Tuesday is another tactic used by the rich to silence the masses. So that people don't see the revolution taking place and pressure is taken off the rich to make changes.

This is a protest for the equality of black lives. But more than that, this is another battle between the rich and poor. The police is an establishment created so that the rich could control the poor. Only the poor are subject to punishments for breaking the law. Laws that are geared to make the rich richer. The rich can get away with anything.

There are a bunch of method the rich are using to try to bring down US public anger and stop the support for the protesters.

They are trying to push certain narratives onto the public to sway them one way or the other. The goal is to divide the American people. This has always been their goal and they've mostly succeeded. After all, the rich are only in trouble when the whole of America is on their ass.

An example of these narratives are "the white people are starting the looting". The rich use these narratives to create a strong racial barrier creating distrust among the protestors and weakening the revolution. Not only that but in this specific case the rich use the narrative to have black people themselves police the revolution so that they aren't blamed for the looting. Another example of this is the narrative that people from other states are coming to loot and they're starting this. The rich know that not only must there be a racial divide but there must also be a state divide. There must be multiple layers of divide to properly secure their place in society. Another method that they use is telling people to talk with their votes. Votes don't mean SHIT(for the most part lmao). How can votes mean anything when the rich already brainwash the poor by controlling the media and controlling their education? A vast portion of our population don't know what's good for them. How can they? Their cities and states are controlled by the greedy. More than that though this narrative is meant to turn our population into a passive and obedient mass. Waiting for the white man in a suit to come save us all. Hah.

There's so much more I could write about this. But it's all just shouting into the void. I do have hope. There are actually so many rich people on our side nowadays. There have been so many movements in history that have been successful. Now I relax.

[knicksrgr8]

This is a protest for the equality of black lives. But more than that, this is another battle between the rich and poor. The police is an establishment created so that the rich could control the poor. Only the poor are subject to punishments for breaking the law. Laws that are geared to make the rich richer. The rich can get away with anything.

There are a bunch of method the rich are using to try to bring down US public anger and stop the support for the protesters.

They are trying to push certain narratives onto the public to sway them one way or the other. The goal is to divide the American people. This has always been their goal and they've mostly succeeded. After all, the rich are only in trouble when the whole of America is on their ass.

An example of these narratives are "the white people are starting the looting". The rich use these narratives to create a strong racial barrier creating distrust among the protestors and weakening the revolution. Not only that but in this specific case the rich use the narrative to have black people themselves police the revolution so that they aren't blamed for the looting. Another example of this is the narrative that people from other states are coming to loot and they're starting this. The rich know that not only must there be a racial divide but there must also be a state divide. There must be multiple layers of divide to properly secure their place in society. Another method that they use is telling people to talk with their votes. Votes don't mean SHIT(for the most part lmao). How can votes mean anything when the rich already brainwash the poor by controlling the media and controlling their education? A vast portion of our population don't know what's good for them. How can they? Their cities and states are controlled by the greedy. More than that though this narrative is meant to turn our population into a passive and obedient mass. Waiting for the white man in a suit to come save us all. Hah.

There's so much more I could write about this. But it's all just shouting into the void. I do have hope. There are actually so many rich people on our side nowadays. There have been so many movements in history that have been successful. Now I relax.

[knicksrgr8]

I hope these protests help dismantle the corrupt system in place. I feel like it won't. But I really hope it does. Black lives matter man and everything recently about all this has been making me rlly anxious. I wanna escape from all this but I can't.

[knicksrgr8]

Today I went out for a jog. Then I came home and worked out. Then I sat and did some research. I'm somewhat close to proving a polynomial time algorithm doesn't exist for my research. Then I help my brother catch up on hw. Then I made myself dinner and watched a TV show while eating. It's 1:30 am and I am about to pass the fuck out. I love this feeling. It's like the tiredness you get from a productive ass day. :))) THIS is how I fix my sleep wchedule. 😃

[knicksrgr8]

I'm PISSED at how NYXL lost in the tournament. Like okay if they lose in a close 3-2 fine I accept it. But to get 3-0ed is fucking egregious. I don't even think NYXL played particularly bad. It was the compositions they were running man. Why the rein zarya??? Its SO hard to get value out of the Zarya. Plus mano's shield was just getting fucking melted. Unwatchable trash. NYXL were just speedboosting onto fearless and everyone on the Shanghai Dragons took angles around NYXL and just mowed them down. And they got baited like this everytime because what else can you do on this dogshit composition??? Im actually so angry after watching that game. I don't like to question Overwatch League Coaches but in this scenario I just fail to see how NYXL's comp theoretically beats Shanghai Dragons comp. I need to calm down now. Time for the may tournament finals. I'mma just hope it's a good game, chill out, and enjoy it.