knowyourmomma

[knowyourmomma]

Dear future kids,

Lately, momma is lonely. I can feel it to my bones. I am now here alone sitting in my new apartment thinking who to talk to. I am conflicted whether to work onsite by tomorrow to see some workmates or to stay at home and work silently. I want my liberty but I want people around me too. It’s hard to explain but that’s the best way I can do it. I hope in your future, you will not feel too lonely. I hope you can have me as long as you can. I hope that I will be there for you as much as I can. Living a life without a mother is painful. There’s a void in your heart that can never be filled in and it will be there forever. I miss momma, your lola. And I always wish I know her better so I can have stories to tell you. I have nothing but her great smile and warm hugs. I only have her favorite portion of the day which is to clean our room while dancing. You can see such joy in making household chores and I haven’t seen anyone like that before except from her.

I will stop my sentiments here.

Momma x

[knowyourmomma]

Dear future kids,

Every weekend, I do feel like I am on this relapse mode lately. I will think about him and thought, maybe there’s still a good chance to recover BUT NOT. Today, I am think about you kids. Is he the one I want to spend life with? Is he the one I want to be the father of my kids. The answer is consistent no. So why would I torture myself, right? I am fine. I’ll be fine. One day, I’ll meet him and we will have you.

Momma x

08/17/24 10:35 PM

[knowyourmomma]

Dear future kids,

I write letters to wrong people too.

I fancy writing letters. I am good with writing as I claim to be. I can express myself more in a written and editable way.

I started writing letters (as I remember) when I was in grade school. I had a collection of stationaries and I would write people around me. I had few favorite people like ate Leng. I remember writing tons of letters to her. Maybe weekly. I like her to be my big sister then. I feel safe around her and I express that through writing. But I also learned how to write hate letters. I am ashamed of it but I wrote hate letters to my step mom. Don't do that. Don't be like momma. I started writing letters to my crush too. I was in 4th grade, imagine! He's one of the most memorable guy I ever wrote a letter to. His name is Lance Jireh. Yes, Jireh, like momma. We shared the same name! His sister was my sister's best friend and unfortunately, his girl friend, was my "grown up" best friend. And don't judge me I call a lot of people "best friend" when I was young as long as they make me feel safe but that is for a different story.

Growing up, I stopped writing letters. When I became an adult, I stopped even writing songs or just plain writing. I hit a hard road of depression and I just couldn't write not until this guy I met at work. He's nice to me. He's a colleague of mine. His name is Flavio. In a short span of meeting him, and liking him. I strike and wrote a letter. It was unnoticed and everything changed since. It has been like two months since I wrote him and I wish I never did. I made so much effort just to get hot and cold treatment that I don't understand at all. My letters are from my heart. I only gave them to people I think can become a special part of my life. But you know what, I am glad it ended that way. I am glad he's not your father kids! Don't get me wrong he's not the most horrible person in the world but he's not the kindest to me either. He became someone he promised he will not be. I think that's the worst part.

If one of you ever loves writing like momma, I hope your heart will always be in it. I hope I will have a chance to read them too. But if I will not have that pleasure, I hope you will have the opportunity instead to read this and know that at some point, your momma loves writing letters and writing itself. And so here I am writing you something. May you see my heart to it. I love you.

Your momma x

8/16/24 4:48 AM

[knowyourmomma]

Dear future kids,

I lost my mom when I was 6. At 30, I am so lost of who she is and I always wonder how she is when she was my age. Did she also gave up on dating before she met papa? I wonder if she's also frustrated about hard life is. I want to ask her so many questions but I will not have that answer. And even if I asks my aunts, I am sure it will not be accurate. They are not mama.

I decided to write here for you because if ever I don't have the pleasure to live a long life, you will know the real me. You can have a touch of who I am.

I don't have you yet. I haven't even met your dad yet, but I already love you. I am not even sure if I will ever have you but still I will write here. The fact that I have this heart or desire to have you, it might be a start of prayer too.

It's 08/16/24 at 1:14 AM. Remember, momma loves you long before your were born.

Your momma x