knucklepunchlover

[knucklepunchlover]

2/15/202

Angelina Jolie. 

And the fact how fucking perfect she is. Like, the younger version, the reckless one, the one who was married to Billy Bob Thornton, never ever wearing a freaking bra, being a sexy little bitch. Gosh, I love her. 

I really want to be like her. Beautiful, not because of the tons of MakeUp she is wearing or the designer shit she puts on, but because of being herself, with no MakeUp, a slutty look on her face, a pair of washed out jeans, a cropped white tank top, kind of a little bit see-through, some biker boots, her hair wild and a cigarette in her mouth. Not giving a fuck about the cameras that are around, just being her reckless self, giving whatever answer slips through her lips without thinking about the consequences. Making the boys go crazy because she walks by and just ignores them. Passionate about her work and the lovers in her bed. Causing scandal after scandal but still getting away with it, because hell, how could you resist or be mad at her?! Wild, androgynous attitude, she’ll do the fucking dirty work herself and definitely does not need a man to give her a hand. Could kill you with a look, tear you apart into tiny little pieces, but be really gentle and understanding, too. 

I’d like to think I kind of am like this... not good at the resting-bitch-face thing, and also not at the being-skinny-and-motherfucking-sexy thing, but oh well, I’ll get there :D

I will be the Angelina Jolie of the tiny fucking town in Germany, watch out!

[knucklepunchlover]

1/30/2020

Rockstars and why I should probably call my therapist.

I consider myself a really nice person. I am responsible, I am honest, I try to help people as much as I can, I listen to their problems and try to help them with them. I try to Always be nice to everyone, try to make them feel good about themselves, wish everyone a good day, hold doors open for old ladies and mums with strollers. I recently became a vegetarian and can’t even kill the bug that is flying through my room waiting for an opportunity to bite me. I am Always scared to somehow come across rude or hurt anyone in any way. 

And yet, the type of men I feel drawn to seems to paint a whole different picture of me. 

In recent years I have started to really get into the world of Rock N Roll, which, if you have taken a deeper look into what it looks like, is not as glamorous and pretty and fun as it appears to be from the outside. According to first hand sources (like interviews, books and documentaries, which to study I have dedicated all my free time to), once you are living he dream, this dream turns out to be an actual nightmare. The music industry is a fucking bitch and takes your everything, and it gives you nothing but stress, terror, people who come after your ass and want to be your friend just to be in the spotlight or have your money or take advantage of you in any other form. An artist pours his heart in soul into his body of work, into a new album, into his appearance on stage, and so many people don’t even care about the fucking art, abou the music and lyrics and what the artist is trying to say, but only want to see a famous person fail, want a scandal to talk about. 

This is why so many artists try to numb the pain their dreams brings with it by drinking too much alcohol, taking drugs or doing all kinds of crazy stuff. This whole topic is highly interesting and fascinating to me and I could talk about it for hours, but I will do that another time.

I have come to believe that a lot of artists and art-affectionists are greatly tortured by their ability (or disability) to put their emotions into words and the way the world deals with it and the consequences that follow the observers actions, and feel the huge urge to comfort such troubled genius souls. Since music means so much to me and the story told by musicians and the way they deal with their emotions has helped me such much to cope with my problems and dark times, I have developed the habit of excusing any sort of questionable behavior of a musician, because their kind as helped me so much. 

Trashing a hotel room for no reason? Great! Cursing on stage? Awesome! Offend all sorts of people for no apparent reason? Nice! Drinking too much, taking drugs and fucking tons of girls? Hell yeah! Posing in very questionable ways and situations? That rocks! Fist fights outside and inside of clubs? You go! I think there is literally nothing a good looking rockstar could do (but serious physical harm, murder amd homophobic or racist shit of course) that would scare me off. At all. I’ d take it all. Because I am so certain that this Kind of man is the only Kind of man who actually understands my way of thinking and feeling, and accepts it. I am legit willing to endure the worst kinds of behavior, because I have this highly romanticized (some might call it extremely insane) idea of such an unpredictable man considered dangerous or extremely hard to handle being crazy in love with me and showing it to the whole world. Bonny and Clyde type of shit. Halsey and G-Eazy type of shit. Sid and Nancy type of shit. Him trashing the hotel room with me sitting on the bed watching. Him fighting a hater with me cheering him on and cleaning his bloody wounds afterwards. Him posting a provocative picture of him and me barely dressed in our bedroom. French kissing and ass grabbing on red carpets. Knowing that me might anybody and anything, but will always love me and be there for me. Him knowing I will endure his mood swings and drunk nights and emotional breakdowns and hold him tight during the worst of it. Gosh, that’s what I want!

And, yes, of course I fucking know that loving this type of man can be really motherfucking hard and painful and usually is doomed to burst into flames. I am not stupid. Maybe naive, because I really don’t care if it gives me that unconditional love I believe it to be. Hell, I really don’t care, and for a while I was wondering whether that is something I should really worried about, whether my love for these men makes me a really bad person. Maybe it does, but in the words of my beloved Halsey, “[...] but I can’t change my appetite”. And I really really hope to experience it one day. Because I am really certain no other man could give me what I think I want and need. Maybe I will be proven wrong. Or maybe you will see my name in the titel of the newest TMZ video soon, being part of whatever scandalous shit my rockstar boyfriend came up with, and I will love it. 

Mama, Papa, I am sorry. I really never wanted to be the big disappointment I think my love for fucked up rockstars makes me, really! I don’t know where it came from and what is the reason for it, I just want you to know it’s not your fault!

[knucklepunchlover]

1/29/2020

80s Rock Music. Sebastian Bach.

Yeah… so... it’s sort of a long story... It goes like this: Machine Gun Kelly -> plays Tommy Lee in THE DIRT -> I of course need to see the movie & then start listening to Mötley Crüe -> I read THE HEROIN DIARIES by NIKKI SIXX -> I start searching NIKKI SIXX on Tumblr -> Tumblr shows me pics of a beautiful young Axl Rose -> I search for more pictures of beautiful young Axl Rose and stumble across pictures of WAY MORE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG SEBASTIAN BACH -> I have free time (fatal).

Now, every free minute I have, I find myself stuck in the 80s listening to Skid Row or Mötley Crüe, obessing over young Sebastian Bach (being the most beautiful man on planet earth) and wondering why it’s not the 80s and why I am not a Groupie (I found that sentence on Tumblr and it just fits so perfectly…).

Besides the fact that long haired, tall, super skinny, rude, messed up Rockstars wearing skin tight leather pants and eyeliner get me EVER SINGLE FUCKING TIME and the fact that young Sebastian Bach just threw Jared Leto off of his The-Most-Beautiful-Man-On-Planet-Earth - Throne (Yes, I said it. Do I feel bad? Yes, a little bit…), I just really fucking dig the music! I mean - Take Me To The Top?! Kickstart My Heart?! S-O-S?! Youth Gone Wild?! Not even Machine Gun Kelly gives me so much energy, it’s fucking insane!!! Turn it on, freak the fuck out!!! I really hope Mötley Crüe, who just recently REUNITED (OMG) decide to take their Stadium Tour to Europe as well!!!

[knucklepunchlover]

1/28/2020

Back in New York City.

For the first time ever since I live in New York City I was not happy to come back from a vacation. No, in fact, I was terrified! 

The last five days in Virginia went by so fucking fast. I had a wonderful time and have not felt that peaceful, calm and happy in such a fucking long time! The nature, the dock, the silence, the animals, Sparkle… coffee and conversations with MG and her friends, going on walks and being attacked by a duck... 

I am crying while typing this, because I had such a wonderful time, but knowing that I now am back in New York City, surrounded by nothing but buildings and concrete, cars, noise, and so so many people, simply scares the shit out of me. I do not feel comfortable in the big City anymore since I was sick, and especially now that this fucking China virus is spreading over the world the thought of entering a subway or being surrounded by tons of people gives me anxiety. I felt so so comfortable and welcome in Virginia, I just felt home. The Moment I stepped through the door of the house in Brooklyn all the worries and negative thoughts came back and started flooding my brain.

I know that I have to try to stay positive. It’s another two weeks and a probably scary as fuck journey to Denver, and MG and I will be reunited, and soon after I will fly home. One of those two weeks Lorenz will be here, and evem though I have to work, I will have some one here, a friend. 

Elisa, just stop thinking about what might happen and what could go wrong! Stay positive! 

Kells will live! You will find your own personal Sebastian Bach! 

[knucklepunchlover]

1/25/2020

Virginia. 

There is this strange feeling of peace that overcame me the minute I stepped out of the airplane in Richmond two days ago. I can’t quite explain what exactly it feels like or why I feel the way I do, all I can say is that I feel somewhat PEACEFUL. I don’t worry about tomorrow or next week or Colorado or my flight back home or all the other unneccassary worries that usually torture me back (home) in New York CIty. 

It is sort of sad, but when I got out of the car in her garage, I fully realized that I wouldn’t have to set an alarm, get up early and interact with the Chaos Family and/or the 2yo for four whole days and I haven’t felt so relieved in so very long... I feel bad to admit it, but time for myself, like, ACTUAL TIME FOR MYSELF, not hearing J cry or T scream through the whole house or A talk about her characters so much louder than one should talk inside of a room, that is something I have MISSED so badly, something I haven’t felt in so long, something I didn’t know I needed that much before I felt it... and I am looking forward to coming back home to Germany, knowing that feeling will not be over in four days… I like my host family, I love the kids, but I can not live with them anymore, 11 months are more than enough and it took such a toll on me and I realize that just now...

Right now I am sitting on the end of MG’s dock, the sun is shining, it is warm, I am listening to Chase Atlantic and it’s just so so very beautiful, I am so happy. And so scared to say or type it out, because I am so paranoid and fucked up that I think me actually admitting how happy I am and saying “I am happy/I am fine.” is gonna screw it all up for me and turn things for the worse… I don’t even fucking know why I have this irrational fear and where it came from, but I am sure it started in 2017... it’s sad not to be able to talk about how happy I am, but I’d rather not talk about it than fuck it all up...

This morning we had coffee with four of MG’s girlfriends. Four old ladies in their seventies (I guess) and me, the twenty year old brat I am, having a great conversation… and I LOVED IT! I will ask my grandma to take me to coffee with her Friends once I am back! 

I am so confused by how much I enjoy the simple country life with MG, the nature, the old people and simplicity of it all... I am so different from who I am in New York City. I think I am both, and I know for sure I NEED both to actually be happy, and I was not in balance for a long time due to the lack of nature and simplicity and peaceful time for myself, because I just don’t get any of that in New York City. It took me a while to realize, but I am glad I did and it makes me look forward to going back home even more, because I know there I have the perfect balance and I now know that and will be able to apprecciate it once I get back! I have to remind myself of that when I start getting bored and pissed off by all of the things back home I now miss so much! 

[knucklepunchlover]

1/22/2020

There is another thing I just realized: 

Within the last couple of months my attitude on a lot of things and what these things mean to me has changed - drastically.

It’s hard to explain, but I will try anyway: 

There barely is anything in this world that cannot be explained by using statistics, maths and science. A lot of things seem to be set in stone, rules seem to be impossible to break. The unspoken rule seems to be that you do not live your life the right way and can never actually be successfull if you do things that can not rationally be explained, if you rather listen to your heart & gut than your head & sense - or what other people want you to believe is the best thing to do. 

You know what?! FUCK ALL THIS! Fuck statistics, fuck maths (especially maths) and fuck science. FUCK RATIONALITY. Fuck you and you and you or my sense seemingly knowing better. Fuck not swearing and not worshipping false idols, fuck always being brave and rather quiet than conspicious, fuck swallowing your own opinion in order not to hurt someone or to avoid confrontation and fuck conservative shits! 

I believe in being friendly, in keeping peace and in being honest. Beings should not hurt or kill others on purpose or in order to get something they want. 

But I do not believe in rules set by politicians and old people deciding over the future and present of younger generations. I do not believe in what other people or the bible or any other book or unwritten rule says is the right way to talk, to dress, to love, to fuck, to live my life. I do not believe in gender and in men being more worthy than women or women being more worthy than men or anyone being more worthy than any other one. Fuck, we are all fucking human beings, sharing the same fucking planet, and skin color, sexuality, style, the lenght of my skirt or the number of tattoos I have on my skin or men or women I have in my bed DO NOT FUCKING MATTER. And rationality doesn’t fucking matter either when it feels right and doesn’t hurt anyone. 

It’s thin fucking ice. Being a former anorectic I know that what feels right isn’t always right, and still… I know that Living with an addict, being the former addict I am, is hard and painful, and I know my mom and all my friends and enemies are right about it, and still... I know that money is important and shouldn’t just be spent that way and still... 

Listen, time will fucking tell, and either YOU are Right or I AM! And if you are, listen, you can say “ WE TOLD YOU!” 

I don’t really fucking care anymore...

[knucklepunchlover]

1/22/2020

Frustration. I feel it almost every day these days, and it’s the feeling of frustration that is really hard to express in words. I think it’s actually just me realizing what being an adult really looks like and the overwhelming fear that comes with it, “is this really what the rest of my life looks like?” 

I have been working as an AuPair for almost eleven months now. I love children, I love J., but to be completely honest? I am SO SICK AND TIRED of taking care of a two year old every single fucking day. It’s the same boring routine, the same exhausting discussions and the same stupid temper tantrums, EVERY DAY, FIVE DAYS A WEEK. I know, I know, this is what motherhood looks like, but listen: when I have a child myself I am the one making the rules, I am the one setting the routine, and that makes a HUGE fucking difference, because basically being a mother but not being able to decide ANYTHING at all when it comes to the child’s life just fucking SUCKS. And the fact he is NOT MY child in general makes a huge difference as well. It was fun for a couple of months, but I reached a point where being stuck in this every - day - scenario just really takes a toll on me, I feel so UNDERWHELMED. I need to feed my brain with information, I need to see and hear new things and solve tasks that actually require me to think and not just replay the same chain of movements and sentences every fucking day.

So right now I basically live from weekend to weekend and event to event, because free time, variety and excitement two days a week are the only things I really look forward to, the only things that actually keep me going and keep me from going insane. But do they?

Because when I have free time, time for myself, I don’t know what to fucking do with myself. I mean, I read and I write and I listen to music and obsess over fucked up, half dead musicians, but that’s not really fulfilling either. It feeds my brain with the information I want to feed it with, it paints a picture of the life I really truly want to be part of, but that is even more frustrating, because within minutes I realize: I AM NOT PART OF THIS WORLD!

No, I am twenty years old, desperately lonely, still a virgin, I don’t go to parties, drink alcohol or do drugs and spend my free time living in a fantasy parallel universe, in which I am pretty much married to the tall, anorectic looking, fully tattooed, cocaine - addicted musician of my dreams. And it’s sad. It’s frustrating. And I don’t want the rest of my adult life to look like this, regardless of what job I currently am doing. 

I will do everything I can to prevent this from happening. I will go back to Germany, for sure keep my New York fucking attitude, piss all them conservative shits off just by being myself (which I extremely look forward to, because in a city where no one cares About what the fuck you look like I realized that nothing is more fun than that) and then I will start studying something (journalism?) I REALLY want to study (not something my dad wants me to study because it will bring money fast), something that opens the gates to a future of me doing something I feel truly fulfilled by, something that makes me happy every day, something I look forward to when I wake up in the morning. I know, that’s something a lot of people tell themselves everyday, but it just has to work, I just have to do everything in my power to actually make it happen, because if I don’t, I will not be happy EVER. 

This is not what the rest of my life will look like!!!

[knucklepunchlover]

1/20/2020 - “Skinny”

Skinny, the spotlight, they‘re looking at you

The way that you talk and the way that you move

The way that you cry and the way that you break

When you understand it‘s too much to take

Skinny, too late, now you‘re all that they see

The pressure of fame, you are down you on your knees

The pressure of hands praising you to the sky

You just can‘t sleep, lay awake every night

Skinny, they‘re asking, isn‘t that what you want?

The love of a stranger and the way that it haunts

The love of the crowd when you step in the light

But you don‘t see their faces, the lights are too bright

Skinny, the money, and how you‘re being judged

Never had any, now you have too much

Never had any of them pretty things

Now the weight of your fortune, the pain that it brings

Skinny, the needles, the powder and pills

The way that without them you sweat and have chills

The way that you need them to cope with your mind

Now that you can see that you‘ve been so blind

Skinny, the tears and the way that they flow

When no one‘s around and your adrenalin‘s low

When no one is there to tell you a lie

Now that it‘s over, your dangerous high

Skinny, the fact that you know you are lost

In a room full of people having fun at your cost

In a room full of nothing and nowhere to hide

From the dark of the hole that gapes deep inside

Skinny, the doubt, is that really a dream

Or a nightmare, or torture, so violent and mean

Is it rape, is it them simply ripping you off

The voices, so loud, can‘t seemed to be stopped

Skinny, please listen, I want you to know

That love still exist, you just haven‘t been shown

You have to be honest, determined and brave

Go take a risk, you have what it takes

Skinny, just never, please ever stop to be strong

The devil you worship, you know that he‘s wrong

The demons that lurk in the dark of your day

Only if you let them, they‘re going to stay

Skinny, just take it, the hand that you see

The flower that‘s breaking through the concrete

The smile on your face when you feel the sun

Skinny, there‘s hope, and your pain will be gone

[knucklepunchlover]

1/20/2020

Music plays a really important role in my life. In fact, I can say that without music and a couple of artists, Halsey being one of them, I would not be who I am today and sometimes I think, I might be in a mental facility or six feet under if it wasn’t for their music and influence. If I would have to choose a song that describes me best, which is a tough task, I would probably choose this one. 

LYRICS down here

[Verse 1]

They sent me away to find them a fortune A chest filled with diamonds and gold The house was awake, with shadows and monsters The hallways, they echoed and groaned I sat alone, in bed till the morning I'm crying, "They're coming for me" And I tried to hold these secrets inside me My mind's like a deadly disease [Pre-Chorus] I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones [Chorus] And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control? [Verse 2] I paced around for hours on empty I jumped at the slightest of sounds And I couldn't stand the person inside me I turned all the mirrors around                             [Pre-Chorus] I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones [Chorus] And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control? [Bridge] I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my bed They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead [Pre-Chorus] I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones [Chorus] And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control? And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control

[knucklepunchlover]

1/20/2020 - Hi there.

My name is Elisa and I am Twenty years old. 

When I was Twelve, I was certain - when I am Eighteen, I will be an adult, a grown woman with a boyfriend who loves her, a sex life, a good graduation and a well planned future, so pretty much a woman having her shit together and her life figured out. The fact that being an adult who has to make his own decisions is hard, which is what your parents tell you when you are young and delusional, a fact my parents kept preaching as well, was something I simpy ignored. 

I just turned Twenty, and if there is one thing that I actually have figured out, it is that being an adult sucks and I do not have anything figured out or under control AT. ALL. 

I spent ten months in New York City, in order to find a place to call home and a man to have sex with, after I could not find either back home in my small ass conservative village in Germany I felt so misplaced and misunderstood in. I do not really have a place to call HOME, in fact I feel more lost and lonely than ever before, I am still a virgin with no man to fuck or love in sight, and my mental stability is pretty much NON EXISTENT. 

I am a mess. My mood swings within minutes. In one moment I am happy and satisfied, in the next I am frustrated and sometimes so angry that I just feel like breaking the furniture around me. I’ve had some troubled times in my life, thanks to me being a mentally lost case with compulsive disorder, anxiety and a history of several other mental issues I more or less successfully overcame in my twenty years on planet earth, but I don’t think I have ever felt THAT lost and confused before. I know I am not alone and I know a lot of people my age feel that way, but honestly? That does not help a fucking bit. 

This is not my first attempt to write a diary. I love the idea of capturing the struggles I go through and truly believe that writing all the fucking mess down can help me sort it out... somehow. But every time I buy a pretty new notebook and declare it to be my new best friend, I fail the attempt of writing in there daily after maybe two weeks… Might be because due to a condition in my hand writing things down becomes fucking painful after like two minutes, but it also might be because my computer and the fact it has access to Wifi keeps distracting me every free minute I have. 

The thing is - I really wanna write all this down, also because I love to read other people’s diaries. They are highly fascinating to me for so many reasons and I love the fact struglling people take the time to write their struggles down and give others access to it in order to maybe help. Not that I assume anyone will ever read my diaries and actually feel like there is value in my words, but I like to pretend that maybe one day someone will... 

So I decided to give it another try - for everyone to read it. Here, on Tumblr. I really don’t think a lot of people will follow this blog, if any at all, but I promise to do my best to write something on here every day, and if it’s just for myself. 

So - here we go! Buckle up, shit is about to collapse. 

Love, 

Elisa