kogalcals

[kogalcals]

i feel so so so so sick but i hate bc i dont look it... i crave getting sicker so much but im too fat and too fine.... im too Okay. i dont even like cutting myself, im scared of pain it hurts but whenever it gets rly bad i give myself teeny tiny cat scratches in plain view on my arm like im telling the world to look. look!!! look im so sick i cut myself hahaha ask me whats wrong ask me if im okay ask if i need help pleasepleaseplease

[kogalcals]

2am post binge +2kg

sometimes i wonder if i will ever be more than my body. will i ever be able to look into a mirror and see not just myself, but a person? sometimes i cant recognise my face. sometimes my hands dont feel like hands. sometimes i feel like ill never get better until im sicker. is it possible to get help when youre still on shore? why do i feel like im drowning with my feet still firmly on the ground? why is no one helping if not for the fact that the water is muffling my voice? will the current carry my screams and make them sound graver? or will they see me as what i truly am; a girl who cries fire when really she just needs help? i want to scream and yell, i want to make them see me. i want my body to twist and bend in unnatural shapes; i am unsatisfied with being human. i want my bones to stick out and my spines to pierce my skin. i feel the most beautiful when im hurting; haunting. afterall, what is beauty without lingering pain? sometimes i try to say the words but theyre stuck in my throat. i sound them out. i mouth them. i speak them into the air like a prayer. i ask god to make me better at getting worse. he doesnt reply. i dont think god wants me getting worse. i dont think my parents do either. so why dont they say anything when im hunched over in front of the toilet, fingers digging into my throat until im spilling, its all spilling out of me, my tears my words everything is flowing out and it doesnt stop it never stops. sometimes i feel like ive forgotten to cry except for inconsequential things. i worry that when you feel everything so deeply you start feeling nothing at all. how should i cry for myself in a way that matters when ive already cried over a dead worm?

i dont want to get better and that scares me. how can i get better when im already great? what is there to better when nothing is broken? but i dont want to be broken, dont want to be irrepairable. sometimes when i kneel in front of the toilet i pretend im praying to god and asking him to save me. he never comes.

[kogalcals]

super dooper new 2 tumblr >< will jst post stuff i write here.,... eek