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Putting the new stationary bike to good use :)

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I started working in December. Since then, I've gained somewhere between 30 and 40 pounds. It's a completely sedentary desk job and combined with my currently untreated sleep apnea, I get home and am completely exhausted. Going to a gym is entirely out of the question; I can barely stay awake on my drive home let alone get myself together, go out, work out, drive home and shower.

So I ordered an exercise bike. My parents have one, so on many occasions I've asked my parents if I could take it; they're going to be moving into my house soon anyway so I wanted to just get the bike moved over now so I could use it. She always says no, that she uses it, but every time I go over to their house, the same clothes and books are stacked on the seat, so I ask again and get the same response.

So finally, this weekend, I ordered my own bike and it came in the mail today. I was so excited all day knowing that it was sitting at home waiting for me and I could put it together and use it when I got off work. I got home, called my mom about it, and she scolded me. She told me I have more important things to be spending my money on.

Every single time I've ever tried to do anything to better my health and lose weight, she has discouraged me. I believe I made a post here at some point about how she actually told me it was "pointless" for me to even try to lose weight when I started buying diet food. I had lost about 35 pounds when I started dieting last a couple years ago, so I proved her wrong and I looked and felt great. It all came back on though and now I'm trying to get back in control and once again, she finds a way to discourage me.

I used to get picked on for being fat and even now, as a gay man, being overweight is cause for alienation. I don't feel the least bit attractive anymore so I took a step in the right direction to change that, and she spews negativity. It is so difficult to make a change when someone is telling you you're wasting your time or telling you you have better things to be doing.

I'm going to go put it together now and try to use it if I can muster up the will now.

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November 16, 2012 - Day 417 post-Accutane

I finished Accutane last September and I am still happy with my results.

I do occasionally get breakouts and I still do have scarring that I've been addressing with a few different products that aren't getting me very far, but as far as actual acne, I've been pretty clear all year.

I do have occasional breakouts still, but instead of breakouts being 15-20 pimples like before, a bad breakout is 2 or 3. They're much smaller and they go away much faster than before, too.

Just a reminder, this was my starting photo:

As you can see, the results have been enormous. Let my results encourage you. So many people attack Accutane and isotretinoin as a whole but I am living proof that if you stick to the rules and fight through it, incredible things can happen and they can stay that way. I struggled with this acne for seven years, tried every prescription pill and cream and wash and everything you could imagine OTC and nothing ever even came close to the degree and longevity of the results that I've had with Claravis.

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I'm happy with my own photography but I think what really irritates me about the way people handle themselves is that they silently admire.

I don't like compliments. I don't like praise, but occasional acknowledgement is nice. I make a post about thinking about giving up photography and I get 33 messages on tumblr and Facebook about how I better not because I'm "one of [their] favorite photographers"

If I'm one of your favorites, then why do you never give me feedback? You don't comment, you don't like or favorite or even just send me a message from time to time saying I'm doing well with my photos. When I truly admire someone's art, I try to remind them at least every once in a while.

I'm not looking for praise, like I said, but I don't understand how there are people who are getting photography jobs left and right and I can't get one or sell a print to literally pay the bills, but I'm still one of so many people's "favorite photographers."

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A good time to feel awkward:

When the guy you like who's visiting you this summer makes it a point to tell you that he's trying to bring a friend

And then proceeds to ask about all the gay men who will be attending the meetup

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Never make posts about being upset by people who follow you because they will ask and you will have to address it.

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Jayson and I are texting and getting along perfectly well.

I'm talking about photography and he brings up that he's been putting a lot of his energy into drawing. I almost kind of jokingly demanded that he show me some, and I say jokingly because for as long as I've known him, he has always refused to show me his drawings. He'd reluctantly share his photography, but never his drawings.

He just sent me three. I've known him for two years, off and on I suppose, but even at the height of our relationship, he'd never show me his drawings, but he just showed me three.

This is a really, really big deal to me.

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It sure hurts like a bitch when you fall for someone so hard and they tell you you're nothing.

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Logan still hasn't said a single word to me so I guess this was the best decision I could have made.

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I texted Logan at 6:15 saying

"I give up. Forget it all. Take care."

And I still have not heard from him. He was supposed to text me almost seven hours ago and he hasn't said a word.

Done with this.

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It's 6:15 and I still haven't heard from Logan.

Yeah, I give up.

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Arieyl and I may be visiting Joanna tomorrow at school.

I told Logan we need to figure out what's going on between us because of our planned trip.

He says he gets out of class at 4, I told him to text me at 4.

Let's see if he does.

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He was supposed to text me today so we could talk about what he told me last night.

He didn't text me.

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I texted Logan tonight just saying "Hi :)"

He responded about an hour later telling me that he likes me but he doesn't think we're right for each other, that he wants to be friends but he doesn't want a relationship.

I was hurt. So I gave him one word answers; not intentionally, I just didn't want to ignore him. He got upset with me for being upset and it lead to a "Fuck you steven."

I basically told him that I'm upset and if he really thinks I should be all smiley and happy after he just told me he doesn't want to be with me, then I don't want to hear from someone as selfish as him again.

After a couple texts, he says

"Well I like you. I just don't know you. And I want to but it's awk."

Me: "What is awkward about trying to get to know me better? I'm looking for a relationship, Logan. Not right this minute, but I want one with you. I like you and I hardly know you either and I know it's weird, but I'm trying to get us to the point where it can work. It's effort. If you don't want to try this then don't. I want to."

He goes "Let's text when I'm sober."

SERIOUSLY YOU'RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW

Like what am I even supposed to think? Are you only saying any of this because you're drunk? Are you even going to remember that you said anything?

I'm confused. He says he likes me but then he says I'm not his type within the same sentence. What is even happening?

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I've had these two striped polos from Hollister for like two years.

I ordered them online with a bunch of other stuff and got the same size as everything else I ordered, but these two polos didn't fit.

I just tried one on and it fits. I honestly could cry but at the same time I'm so furious because so many people have been discouraging me.

From one angle, "It's not going to work, don't even try."

From another person, it's "yeah you're losing weight but are you losing fat or muscle?"

Like honestly I'm actually becoming happy with myself and my body for literally the first time in my life and when I'm seeing results and I'm feeling healthier and happier, it makes me so fucking angry that the people I trust to support me are the only ones telling me to give up. Like who the fuck tells someone to give up trying to lose weight? Who does that?