kortencio-blog

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Reading past posts

I just went through my entire blog, read a few posts fully and skimmed others. A roller coaster ride of emotions. My past self offered some motivation though. I recalled books I've read and great advice from friends that I had received when I was struggling with whatever those past moments of hardships gave me. Right now the struggle is mainly the pain, with a side of omg-starting-to-study-for-the-ARE! Ah. This is where I'm at. The majority of my posts have been...here I am. And asking, what's next? Then revealing those conclusions whether good or bad. This is just another one of those posts then.

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Improvement after 5 months!

My life was on pause for 5 months. I slowly became more and more disabled since I first saw the doctor in December to diagnose my pain. The struggle has been real. I was limping at work, people were noticing. I learned how to drive with my left foot, don’t tell me I shouldn’t cuz my body had no choice. I fell into a depression because I was physically incapable of the most simplest of things – sitting, walking, even laying down all brought me continuous pain. No position could ease it.

In January I received a personal phone call from my doctor in the middle of my workday. He explained to me that my MRI shows I have a herniated disc in my lower back between my L4 and L5. It’s a good size, he said, and suggested I try an epidural shot very soon. I made my appointment to see the epidural specialist that day, but was still deciding whether or not that was something to try.

I didn’t do it. But there have been really really tough moments in these past few months where I admittedly fell into tears. It would happen during my weakest mental moments. Having this pain made me surrender. When I surrendered, I fell into tears. Those moments when I just wanted to feel nothing and be normal again. Those moments when I realized I had to accept that I can’t workout like I used to anymore. But I stopped crying when I found some strength in my mind to believe that I can possibly be well again. I held onto the smallest of hopes. The tiniest of faith, so that I wouldn’t need to do surgery or an epidural. The pain told me otherwise all day…its been a struggle to fight it!

I know I’ve improved because I’m actually laying here typing this, in the comfort of my bed, not dying in agony! I feel a hint of tingle in my foot, not a full on pins and needles, more subtle than before. Gosh, that’s all I need to say to affirm improvement! Laying down, and being able to stretch out either or both of my legs, and even fall asleep in that position where my right leg is stretched out. …

This is like a progress report. I’m finally able to say something about this in greater detail only because I can finally say that yES, I have improved. If I had kept going down that dark path of agonizing pain, then no, I would not prefer to share anything until I was able to get this problem under some kind of control. And I didn't share it for 5 months! Only with close friends and family, because when I would be around them I didn't want them to be confused why I couldn't sit very long at dinner, or why I looked so sad and uncomfortable.

Still a ways to go on the path of recovery.

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I'm "back"

It’s like I’ve been offline since I graduated. Life just happened - graduating, full time job, condo-purchasing, getting married, and about to start licensing studying/examinations. But prior to that last item, I found out that I’ve acquired a herniated disc in my lower back – the most painful thing that I have experienced yet, and it’s chronic, meaning, ongoing pain every day hour minute second… Between a 5 to 9 in pain scale terms since December. I’m trying not to make it the story of my life right now but it kind of is. More later.

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May 2013

I feel like i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions these past few months. Kind of in a huge transitional time...with the passing of my neighbor Bob and then a month later my grandpa. It's been rough...  and job searching plus interviewing on and off campus, and portfolio prep that had to happen all before that... while my thesis project suffers in the background, half lost in its importance. I'm trying to focus now on my thesis project while i wait patiently for that job offer i'm hoping for. Next time you see me i may have finally settled into the full-time job i long awaited for, 4 years if you include my unemployed time... but know it didn't come easy. I can see myself reaching my goals... very soon! Not there yet as of right now, so its hard to tell myself to keep moving, to find that motivation to finish thesis and to find the patience to wait for that offer letter... I think what's helping is knowing that my neighbor and grandpa are both rooting for me somewhere, both always very proud of any academic accomplishments of mine and my siblings. Looking forward to grabbing some tea, turning up the jams and continuing to work hard. 

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Landscape plan to accompany a Pediatrics Clinic. This quarter is getting so close to its end!

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my neighbor of many years passed away a couple weeks ago. He had just turned 91 and was a dear friend of me and my family. You really don't realize how you feel about someone until you lose them... I was devasted to hear the news, though soon expected due to his frailty, but still shocked at the sudden realization that he wouldn't be there to have talks about life and traveling anymore... Above all, he really cared about me and upheld the confidence in myself that I did not have while growing up... a different type of father figure, perhaps. One of the most memorable quotes of mine is something he said one late night as I was leaving from a long visit... after saying bye he waited at his front door in the darkness as I walked the few steps back to my house, then before I was too far he called out, "I wish you were my daughter!" I'm teary, but he was such a cheerful person, even with his old age, that he would be disappointed that he could ever make me feel sad. I'm so happy he was part of my life and I part of his. 

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75% Energy

I used to think having things easy was ideal. The less work, the better! >>Are you kidding? I would've gotten no where thinking that little work brings success and happiness. I think that everything I've done since graduating in '08 is really something to be proud of. But with each day I forget and need to be reminded of the struggles I've fought through in order to be where I am today. As time grows closer to graduating with a Masters degree, I've noticed I've been getting weaker in the mind...I'm so stressed out and Winter Quarter just barely started. 

I always lose faith in myself now and again. But proving myself wrong later is a great feeling. A year prior to the Italy study abroad trip, I honestly thought that I wouldn't be able to go on the trip. I was probably 90% sure I could not go. But I regained strength both physically and mentally to get there... A small accomplishment, but coping with stress has got to be one of my most amazing accomplishments. I feel as if I've mentioned this so many times, but I really felt as if the world was going to end when I closed my eyes..., so getting out of that situation has made me so grateful to be alive...

- - - - 

May I boast for a moment? I won the scholarship I had applied for a year ago! Such a great surprise...a REAL moment of Happiness. And its not entirely because of the money award, it's really what it represents....

My scholarship essay summarized all of my accomplishments thus far in the M.Arch program and part of my experiences amongst my peers. Winning this award was like a validation that all my hard work was really worth it. I feel that it proves that I deserve some credit and recognition for my efforts in these past couple years...what a great gift from the school that has already given me so much in many other ways...

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I couldn't help but look up the term "selfishness" in psychological terms. A theory suggests that every action taken by a person is an act of self-interest. Even if you help a person with a task, you are ultimately being selfish because you gain fulfillment when helping. And the person who asked for help was obviously asking for it in their own self-interest.

It's obviously a complicated topic, because there's a rebuttal to all this. But recently I've questioned my own actions which is why I'm bringing this up. I've concluded at the moment that it's ok to be selfish sometimes. Yes, I enjoy helping others. In fact, I really enjoy mentoring younger students. But being so close to graduation, I can't help but think that I really need to focus all my efforts into myself right now......but why the guilt? I shouldn't at all be guilty that I want to do the best I can on my Thesis project by allocating most of my time to myself and my project, right? I have goals from 5 years ago that I need to fulfill, so some things that may be getting in my way are really annoying right now! (anger for some reason....sorry!)

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Final renderings for ARC452 Program used: Autodesk Maya

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the 2 minute pitch

Yesterday's WDI interdisciplinary studio review brought awareness to my personal academic career. School isn't just school anymore, it's gotten quite serious. Serious in a sense that it's not entirely about making a pretty picture or simply completing a project by its deadline; this architecture studio was about understanding the process of design (and intellect, in my group's case), and having the ability or improving upon the ability to sell an idea to a group of people who are just looking at your product for the first time. The difficulty in this is making a presentation that it is captivating, interesting, and exciting. It is half visual and half verbal. Your project can have the best ideas, but if it cannot be explained simply and clearly through both images and words, then it is useless. 

The comments I received overall were positive. The imagineers found my presentation visually appealing and my design striking yet pragmatic at the same time for its context in New York. But just as important was the process of design that my group and I went through just a couple weeks before we branched out on our own. I could not have produced my project with its ideas without the collaborative mind of the whole group. In fact, it is guaranteed that I could not have ever completed a quarter in Architecture school without the collaborative efforts of my classmates. We are a tight knit group that leaves no one behind (at least that's how it is in my graduating class, which I'm so happy to be part of).

The amount of work that was put into this project was immense. I found myself working until the last minute to complete everything (what's new?). But I couldn't stop... There is a standard that I must uphold for anything I produce. It was a frustrating process but overall I know I did the best I could do in the limited time I had, and knowing this, I have no regrets. 

The personal growth I mentioned has once again been about the seriousness in what I produce AND the presentation quality I am continuing to uphold and improve. Not that I wasn't serious about my work as an undergrad, but I can sense the complete maturity in my thinking and presentation standards. 

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2 things

First The difference between architecture and landscape architecture

We had presentations today in the WDI studio. Every student's name is backed by a color, either blue (architecture) or green (landscape architecture) on their presentation boards. My teammate joked that I should've sliced my color box down the middle and colored half blue and half green.  The computer skillset that the architecture students have is overall "better" than the landscape students as a whole. There just isn't as much opportunity / need / push to use new technology religiously as architecture students do constantly. I perhaps sense a much stronger competitive level in the architecture program too. Maybe it's just me trying to push myself to produce the highest quality work (which I feel I still am not producing). There is an overall difference in the use of time for architecture students as well. I believe the undergrads have been well trained throughout their 5 year program to produce very quickly with an ample graphics and modeling skill level. On the other hand, the landscape students are either very high or very low, in my opinion. Anyway, that's just talking about this program at this school and with these classmates. But it makes me think about the overall professions as well, AND working on my own project right now is revealing just how difficult it is to design the building and the landscape in perfect harmony. Vertical vs. horizontal, strict vs. fluid. I've really been struggling. 

Second Where do I belong?

What color does blue and green make? I guess that's what I am. For the past 2+ years now I have questioned me being in this architecture program. I feel like I've been trying very hard to prove that I belong here, when maybe I don't. And this studio has gotten me asking WHY I want to be here. What do I want to learn and gain? I asked Richard, Do you believe in me [and my abilities]? With no doubt in his mind he said Yes. I'm just burdened with self-doubt. But his confirmation is so helpful. And now I'll say that I'm blessed.

__ I wrote this because during this Week 10 of Fall Quarter I'm having some realizations or scattered thoughts that I figured would be interesting to note. 

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Latest model!

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The class field trip to New York was awesome. Not really any summarizing photo, we saw so much, so I'll just show the World Trade Center Memorial for now because it was the last place we visited as a class. 

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Surprised I did this in a few days, I'm proud of its progress! Will have this 3D printed at the end of this quarter.

Made possible by Autodesk Maya

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early disappointment

this quarter and year is not fairing off to a grand start...I'm just referring to this moment in time as I have just embarrassed myself to my entire digital media class. How did I do this? It's a class where I'm learning a 3D modeling program and the professor decided that it'd be a half in-class and half online course, so today the first assignment was due online which I completely forgot about. This is just a momentary feeling, surely, but since I'm speaking in the moment let me say that I am so disappointed in myself! Late, and an unfinished mess, I submitted the required items in frustration. Richard had a comedy show playing in the background and it was surely funny, but instead I got bothered from listening to laughter whilst I struggled to produce unacceptable work! 

Well now its time to just accept reality that I've done my worst for this assignment and simply move on to the next and do my best instead. We can say this was a delightful wake-up call and that I am obviously not fully in school mode quite yet after a much relaxing and carefree summer vacation. Not to mention its my last year in school hence the la-dee-dah attitude towards some classes! 

Then I question my reaction here and ask, why is it so important to submit perfect work? Maybe its the pressure I feel to prove myself worthy of a masters degree. Or of course the deeply embedded need for the letter "A" on my report card..... as if that will even mean anything anymore once I've finally graduated with a masters degree?! You're doing it for the peace of mind, perhaps. Is a grade also a temporary satisfaction that doesn't have long-term meaning? 

Ok, those are my odd thoughts at the moment. In the end, I still value those letters. I can't escape it. But I will TRY to keep my focus on the content learned rather than grade earned from the class... A good lesson for the [future] kids. 

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thinking!

Just celebrated me and Richard's ten year anniversary. I've had such a hectic day though. School started last Thursday, and it started slow, probably cuz it was only week Zero, but this week 1 has already been overloaded. And this time it's not a physical overload like it was exactly a year ago. It's more of a thought overload. As a graduate student we're asked to think about everything in such depth, and nevermind that a lot of this thinking is for the much anticipated Thesis project, aka, the most important and personally defining project of our architectural careers thus far. Pressure? Absolutely. Another added complexity is that I'm taking an interdisciplinary studio with a very challenging professor I had in my undergrad years. "I'm back!" is all I could say. Odd feeling that only I currently have amongst our entire class. Twenty units is what I signed up for this quarter. Would've been 18 but I'm a Teaching Assistant for the studio I took a year ago. I've also signed up to be a TA for the ancient history class, an added hour to my every Tuesdays this quarter. And where am I headed? You'll just have to see as my Thesis project progresses. It's just being fertilized right now...

But a very happy decade to the hubbie and I. Or future hubster. We're not due for marriage til someone here graduates and gets a full-time job. 

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I didn't think that an engagement would make anything much different until it actually happened and I went home and saw the excitement in all my family and close friends, and now it has finally kicked in. I actually feel even closer to Richard now because it brings a more definite feeling to the table. It's closer to the "you're the one!" feeling. See, I thought I felt that feeling before, but now I feel it more so! If that makes sense. A well-deserved life story for the Facebook timeline. 

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end of another chapter, beginning of adventure!

I've been on Hoag's planning team for 3 months now, but hardly any planning had to do with me being in this internship at all. It was another opportunity that came my way and I gladly took hold of it as soon as I could. Prior to that I had planned a Europe vacay with Richard starting at the end of June. We're leaving tomorrow! :) And I'm ending here at hoag today. Yes, I'm writing this in my last hour of working here. I've got my badge on, all shiny and still quite new, I took care of it. After today it'll just be another momento of a time in which I shared an office with the planning team here and met great people whom I wish I could know even better. But these forces in life push me onward to something else... something else that I hope to discover once I graduate, which is only in one year, by the way. Will I ever lose the "intern" title? Someday I'll take an intern out to lunch and treat them, as my co-worker, who is the same age as me, did for me the other day. And how Richard had just done for the new intern at his workplace just yesterday. Makes me sigh... but I've been patient...Patient as I continue on in this journey of finding where I need to go and what I need to be. But as Sandy said, it's a journey... and I need to discover what it is that makes me special... yes, he said there's something in me that's a little different, in a good way of course. Whatever it is, I need to grab hold of that too and harness it. 

So anyway, on to bigger and brighter things! My job here is done.