kosne

[kosne]

I dont feel like living i wanna die idw go on

[kosne]

This.

[kosne]

[kosne]

by: @desnos

[kosne]

27/5/2020, wednesday

Lord, my soul my spirit my mind and body is filled with weariness. I feel as in ive been teared by the rigousness of life. My heart and my lungs feel like they have been strangled and strsngled over and over again. My body feels like its beinh burned and pierced by needles all around. I hate it so much,

Im so weary. It shows on my face, especially my eyes. I'm so tired, idk how to go on anymore.

My body and my whole beinh feels like its constantly beinh dragged down to hell. Feels as if im suffocating and sweating. Im very hurt and im very tired.

Weary, very weary and torn. How do i go on.

[kosne]

I should have killed myself 2 years ago

[kosne]

23/5/2020

Lord I'm scared, but I will trust that you heard my prayers and will take care of me.

Please give me direction and a word and a sign please Lord i need your help. Please take care of me and help me, I'm scared

Should I ask him? Should i.......

[kosne]

19/5/2020, tues

Ravi passed away today.

Im sad, not like just sad but deeply grieved and depresssed. I and very sad.

I kinda wanna commit suicide, i wonder would people be sad like i am now?

I am very sad

[kosne]

7/4/2020, Tuesday

I hate it, i want to die, I want to die, I want to die. Idk how to go on anymore with this hurt, my soul is down so deep im hurt and I want to die. Nothing is going ok, everything is uncertain and ruined and I am nothing. I am nothing this is nothinh i want to kill myseld. It hurts it hurts

[kosne]

INTP the Chameleon

Unlike most people, INTPs do not come pre-programmed with acceptable social behaviour patterns. Rather, they learn to fit in through conscious observation and deliberate mimicry.

While other people talk, the INTP watches and wonders. They observe what a person did and figure out what they should do as a response. Widening their sight, nodding, and smiling, the INTP responded with a fake social skill.

Like actors on a stage set, INTPs are playing a role. They know that being true to themselves doesn’t fit too well with average people, they slowly accumulate a little acting knowledge to help them get by.

INTPs could be described as a human chameleon or a mirror. If a person is friendly, funny, boisterous, and waves their hands around a lot, the INTP will start gesticulating, speak in a louder voice, and smile and joke more to match the other’s behaviour. And when the person  is finally gone, they will turn into their typical self which often is silent, aloof and nonchalant, and slowly cocoon themselves inside their room.

Most of the time this mimicry is unconscious and is basically the result of playing a role deeply enough that it becomes embedded. Chameleons don’t have to think about changing their skin colour to match leaves and branches–it just happens.

Not that INTPs are good actors. They only act because they have to, and only put forth as much effort as is required to get by. An INTP, for example, does not have a giant palette of varied emotional responses that seem totally genuine. Instead, they are controlling their bodies like a puppet-master controls a puppet, and the resulting clumsy imitation of reality is just not lifelike. But it’s enough to get by, as long as there isn’t too much pressure.

If the pressure increases or the situation warrants it, however, an INTP will switch back to their regular selves for as long as necessary, perhaps stunning their acquaintances with a display of cool, clear, cogitant reasoning.

(The secret life of INTP- Anna Moss)

[kosne]

28/3/2020

Shit. Its 6am and I've just watched a whole anime series despite wanting to be productive and sleep early.

What the hell am i doing. I just got sucked in it to escape reality.

I just realised the reason I watch is to escape my reality and stresses in my life. I forget them when i watch anime/ read manga.

Perhaps thats the true reason and wanting to tell stories is just a coverup.

Man i hate this i hate my life and myself. I'll never get anywhere like this 😭. Idk what to do with myself and my life help me. I dont wanna continue on

[kosne]

11/3/2020, Wednesday

Lord, I trust you.

I said I will and I want to.

So Lord, I will trust you.

I choose to trust you.

[kosne]

3/5/2020, Thursday, 345am

I feel tired I feel depressed. Currently it's more of the numb kind of depression with high functioning. Thoughts of just dying has been coming back a bit.

I feel horrible and i dont know excatly why. Maybe it's because I feel as if I've failed as a person, as a friend and as a christian. Maybe it'a because I feel as if I don't have control over things that I've been trying to do, people I've trying to talk to and the person I've been trying to be. When things seem different I start to question, is the problem with me? Should I just stop caring? In all honesty, even though there are many areas I can improve on, I dont think I'm at fault.

My heart means well, my advice is solid, my company is present when needed. But why does no one actually listen? Why is everyone so uncommited and weak willed? Why is it when I've done what I need to with precise accuracy and logic people just do what they feel like? Why do I seem to be of a lower priority in people's life when I'm not needed but when they need help they suddenly want me around? Is everyone serious? I know not to hope in people but Im just human.

Am I too fast paced for others? Are people really this dumb and weak? Actually, yes. They are, we are, in our own ways. I have to understand not many people are disciplined and have thought about the areas of thought as I did, especially at this age. I can't expect people to react logically, disciplined and well, that's just not a logical expectation on people. But man everyone thinks they know what they are doing, are people so dumb, oblivious and self centered to the world arnd them? Stuck in their own narrative of life and expectations? Do I have to spell it out for them to see things and do i have to carry and drag them across the ocean? Weak and shitty, that's what they are. On top of that just plainly unappreciative.

And... that's what I am as well. In my own ways. Perhaps God is allowing me to experience this to show me how we, as his creation and even christians treat him like. At this point I'm starting wonder, should I even care? I don't think I'm suitable for caring to begin with.

And now Im at a stage whereby I'm not sure if J want to care about life or anything at all. I just wanna die, it seems like a better option. I want to rest. Also, who will like me after hearing these? Unstable, negative and everything. People might care out of compassion but I'll never be seen as an equal. That's why if I want it to end, I want it to end now.

[kosne]

31/12/19 , Tuesday

2019 summary

Today is the last day of 2019. I'm in bed, depression and anxiety overwhelming. I feel so lost and left out and left behind. Unaccomplished and hopeless, tired. Ks mum just passes away and it hurts me as .

But despite how i feel i would like to end it off with thanksgiving. Lord you feel so far, its feels as if you dont even exist. What will my future look like.... I'm so scared Lord. I hate thus, hell me lord. I know you have not foresaken me, please please please hear my cry and come to my aid.

Lord, thank you for providing me with such amazing people in my life. Thank you for you constant strength and thank you for using me to fight for others. Please continue to use me, teach me how to think, to love and to fight. Help me get closer to you and please shine your light through me. Thank you for giving rzim and sjcf friends, i pray that you'll protect and bless them. Please grant K strength to continue and fight through the new year, grant her family strength and help them see you in the midst of their pain. Guide and protect them lord.

Thank you for getting me through FYP and the difficult year despite my illness. Please bless my studies, drawing and learning (language, bible etc) help focus on you and do well in them for your glory. Provide me with more than i can ask for, I dont want to be scared.......

Lord I believe you are here and you are fightning for me. Please lead me gently and have mercy on me, hear my prayers as i have many. My fears, uncertainitys, wants and needs please come to me aid.

With this i will have faith, believe and continue to rest in your faithfulness in the coming year.

From your hurting and struggling child that you love,

Kiko

[kosne]

Passing by

18/12/19, Thursday

I feel as if my life just passes by like a blur. I don't know what was real what wasn't or what happened when how or why. Everything is like a convoluted ball of messiness with my hopes dreams and desires inside.

I don't know how or what to feel, do I even feel anymore?

Lord please carry me, carry everything.

I'm praying for a lot of things.

Why my soul are you so downcast?

[kosne]

Lessons: Finding Chika

Lesson 1: I am your protector

• When one has children to rely on them, they tend to think of things they never thought of before

• There are things we cannot protect people from as they are not under our control but the Lords

• The things that happen in life are often continuous - a journey - not a start or an end as the Lord doesnt get ideas partway through life

Lesson 2: Time changes

• Time is the most precious thing you can give someone because once it is given you cannot take it back.

• When you don't think about getting time back, you have given it in Love

• A child is both anchor and a set of wings

• To Morrie the window pane is his whole world while to Mitch it is a window- thus he can appreciate it more than him

• Problem: An old man looking back on his life is not the same as a little girl looking forward

• Realization: Though supposedly dealing with an equally grim subject they are different, one continues to learn through life

Lesson 3: A sense of wonder

• Children wonder at the world, parents wonder at their children's wonder. In doing so, we are all together young.

• Children are often an antidote to adult preoccupation

• Look is one of the shortest words, but people don't really look, we look over, glance and move on

• One of the best things children can do for adults is to draw them down, closer to the ground for clearer reception to the voices of the earth

[kosne]

Desperately Stuck

18/12/19, Wednesday

It's the Christmas season. I'm in a season of my life where I feel stuck like never before.

God, god are you listening?

If you allow it, I can accept it.

Because I trust you.

I'll give the God I cannot see, the benefit of the doubt.

JAMES 1:6

“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."