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Introductions

Today we is the first day documenting 18 randomly selected players as they begin their journey in the world of soccer/football.

On Jan 01, 2000, a shooting star shot across the sky and eighteen fine young men were born. All had the same exact goal - to become the best player in the world. Without further ado, let us introduce these men:

Shlomo Quanzinski

He plays for his favorite team, Genoa as a goal keeper. He hopes he will learn a lot. Just like this Shlomo’s name suggest, we start the introductions slowly.

Tom Arnold

Representing Adelaide United in Australia, Tom is a right back who is worth 205k!

Marcus Jespersen

This Ikea product is currently worth nothing despite some decent technical stats. Will someone put this man together again or will he sit forever in the “Help I lost a leg” section?

Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen

Is he number one? Who knows? Currently he’s worth less than that, but we do see some major German interest as Dortmund, Frankfurt, Gladbach, Koln, Leverkusen, and Nurnberg all want his signature. Who will he pick?

Bongo Flongo

This American with the bing-bang-boom name is not yet on a team, but we see some crazy interest in England. Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, Liverpool, Manchester City, and Manchester united vie for him on their rosters. He is an absolute unit and would probably eat you up.

Alan Cole

The player with the most boring name of the bunch is just that. He’s boring. Jacksonville and North Carolina - both teams in the NASL - want to sign his boring ass. Who will he pick? Do we really care? I do want to point out that his secondary nation is Chad.

Anthony Agramonte

Agramonte used to run a favela back in Venezuela. Now, he’s trying his hand at soccer. Unfortunately nobody wants him yet.

Deez Nuts

Deez Nuts has recently just signed for the team that plays for the NY Red Bull, a team who’s slogan is probably “Red Bull gives you deez nuts.” He’s worth nothing but makes almost as much as I do. 

Diblizio Bufledorf

Formerly of the Gubledorfs, a sworn enemy of the Bufledorfs, Diblizio has taken up a second job while working as a congressman in the US Senate. He’s a deadly German striker for DC United worth over half a million Euro.

Fondil Mabols

Fondil Mabols started life as Deez Nuts’s penpal. He now is worth nothing and is looking for a club to play at. As such, he makes up 10% of South Sudan’s GDP.

Mahlubandile Jambase

Born in the Kalahari Desert, Jambase has just signed for the team he has idolized since he was little - West Ham United. He has seen all of their 2003 home games six times on his little VCR. Who knows how he got that tape. He makes less than Deez Nuts and more than Fondil Mabols.

Qwantez Manning

Our only Malian on the list, Qwantez hopes to bring his country into the ranks of nuclear powers. Hope he finds a club soon.

Shaakir el-Mirza

Shaakir seems like a nice guy, and I’d let him take care of my kids while I am on a date. Unfortunately, he has nobody to take care of him as he is currently club-less. Poor guy. His morale is “Quite Poor.”

Spud Mussolini

Spud Mussolini is currently wanted in twelve different countries for war crimes as he as the one who orchestrated the potato famines of 1943. Fortunately for him, the Welsh have no idea. and he plays on the Swansea U23 squad.

Confucius

I have no idea how this man is still alive, but he is 17 yrs old and has some major interest from five different Chinese teams. He’s a tactical genius from what I know.

Thomas the Tank Engine

This 17 year old is an absolute unit. Like Fondil Mabols, he is 210cm tall and weighs in at 120kg. He will run a train through you. He also plays at Lokomotiv Moscow. Hahaha. Choo choo mother fuckers.

David Icke

Although David plays on no team yet, he has some major interest from Arsenal, Aston Villa, Birmingham, Bournemouth, and Brentford.

Overview