kraealla

[kraealla]

TW// gender dysphoria, body dysphoria

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I hate being genderfluid.

Let me be clear, discovering genderfluidity has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I finally had a name for what I've been feeling for years and years of searching for the right term to fit.

But sometimes, it feels like my enemy. An enemy that my own brain created and takes physical form in my bathroom mirror.

Every day, when I look at myself, I don't feel like myself.

On the days where I feel feminine, I look too masculine.

On the days where I feel masculine, I look too feminine.

On the days I feel like neither, I get called "she" and I feel my whole world crashing down.

Every day I place my hands on my chest and wish for my breasts to disappear, but then the thought of not having them makes me want to vomit. I love having breasts, but on the days where I feel masculine, they make me feel ill.

I bought a binder, thinking it would help my situation, but when I tried it on, I could still see the outline of my chest. Even if it was barely noticeable unless I had pointed it out, it was noticeable enought to me. I cried, I wept like a baby for hours. I screamed into my pillow and sobbed because I knew I would never be flat enough for my own liking.

I am not one gender, I am not the other, and I am not non-binary. I don't get to be cisgender and happy with who I am, and it hurts.

I will never get to relish in the feeling of loving women and only women in the way lesbians do.

I will never get to feel the warmth of loving men and only men in the way gay men do.

I will never, ever get that experience, and it kills me.

I see so much representation in the media these days. There are actors my age, playing the roles of LGBTQ characters that I wish I had in the past to inspire me.

I can't find myself there.

Sure, I find bits a pieces in the love that women have for other women, or men have for other men, or how trangender people work through their transition.

However, I can never find myself.

Me, this genderfluid mess of a human being who switches pronouns almost daily because nothing first for more than a few hours.

Sometimes I wonder if I would do a good job at acting, if I could be my own representation.

A bisexual, genderfluid, curvy Asian.

Looking at that now, even just seconds after typing it, I have to laugh.

That's too much all at once, too much for bigoted people to absorb at the one time. It's "not realistic."

...

I should go to sleep.