krillfails

[krillfails]

I'm going to kill myself

[krillfails]

Buying little trinkets is a momentary happiness. This is a momentary relief. This is a one month of happiness. I am so scared

[krillfails]

Oh lol I mentioned having needing this to my parents when I was asking for help and they asked what I needed back when I was messing up my senior year but all they said was that I'm not going to have people to help me forever

Body Doubling in ADHD and Autistic People

The Autistic Teacher

[krillfails]

The past few days I've been missing my lectures. I'm afraid if I go outside the house I'll run into oncoming traffic again, or look for a tall spot on campus. Not sure how I could explain that to anybody. I had to report it as a mild fever. I can't do this for long or I'm gonna miss important stuff. Already missed 5 assessments

[krillfails]

I have problems sleeping due to constant racing thoughts which I can't control as well as perpetual body pains.

I've realized that the quickest way to calm down and sleep peacefully is to imagine in vivid detail all the ways I could kill myself. There's a sense of peace and acceptance, and everything will be okay. And then I'm able to be calm and eventually fall asleep. I wonder if this is a common phenomenon.

Either way, right now I'm having a panic attack and wondered if it works too, and it does. I'm slowly calming down because I know it'll be over soon.

[krillfails]

Today I've thought about walking around, looking for meaningful places. I'm not a very travel oriented person, and not a lot of places have meaning for me. It looks like I'm gonna have to do it at home. What an awful place to end it all. Okay maybe not there.

I think it would be funny to do it at a cemetery. It's really dirty though.

I've thought about doing it at school. Give the school paper something to write about. At least it would be good for something. There was a student, or teacher, who killed herself here. Until now her name is whispered in gossips and horror stories of haunted University buildings. I wouldn't mind haunting this place. This is one of my top places then, and nowhere else.

I've also thought of doing it somewhere I'm hard to find, but that would waste police resources I think.

I'm already researching on writing a will or something similar so they don't put me in a dress or bury me as a girl.

[krillfails]

I've been trying to get to the root of my issues.

It seems I'm not doing good in my studies because I lose motivation a lot. I lose motivation in my studies because from where I'm at, I'm not seeing a point to it. I'm trying to see why that is. So it seems for a very long time, it's because I don't see a future for myself. Like when I look to the future I see nothing. I didn't even think I would reach till 18, let alone graduate.

I think the reason why I'm not working towards a better future is because deep down I've accepted that I'll be dead before I reach that point.

[krillfails]

I've fallen on hard times once again, it's too early in the year but I want to just disappear again. Not deal with this. I have been trying. To regulate. Clean my room, buy stress relieving toys, be organized

Nothing.

I'm going to start drafting up a plan again. I'll add onto it little by little every day if I can

[krillfails]

hope ur ok after the interactions w that artist. redrawing over ppls art is bad no matter what the "excuse" is dont let it get to u 🫰

thank you anon :'>

[krillfails]

This chair is for the Gays only and yall know it

[krillfails]

For that one person:

I used it cuz it's my only non fandom acc. I didn't know there are apps for this purpose (?) and if they are they need to be paid for. I guess I'm used to Tumblr. And last of all, I said it was kind of rude because you.. drew over someone's art? Without their permission, just to insult them. Regardless of the proshipping stuff, that's unrelated to the topic. I guess I was confused why you chose to draw over this art specifically bc its like, really old and hard to find? Okay then have a nice day 👋🏾

[krillfails]

i must not kill myself . killing myself is the myself killer

[krillfails]

[krillfails]

running yourself into the ground because it "feels good" but actually because it secretly feels bad like a cheese grater against all the soft bits of your mind and running yourself into the ground specifically because it feels very bad and right now the roadrash will give some kind of visual effect to the rest of the experience of your suffering and running yourself into the ground because you were raised religious and/or with strict parents and now you feel like you need an excuse any time you burn out or else it's not burnout it's laziness and running yourself into the ground so you can be really sure it's actually depression and not just because you ate something suspicious

and running yourself into the ground because the back of your throat tastes like rotted fish and yet everybody wants you to get up and make a pretty dance about it and running yourself into the ground like a matchstick because if you're going to have to be here you want to blaze about it and running yourself into the ground like a darkened landing strip so the plane wheels spark up and your hometown finally disappears in the distance good fucking riddance

and running yourself into the ground because of some fucked up great-great-grandparent's hard work aesthetic and because you somehow owe it to your parents, who owed it to their own parents, because owing things is normal in your family, like love is a cost-value analysis and running yourself into the ground and getting up and pretending that, like, this isn't burning the candle at both ends. two days is plenty to get back into it.

you're not spiraling, you're just manifesting wealth and happiness. you're not spiraling, the radio in your chest just has low batteries. what do you mean that's the sound of distress. when they went out looking, they never found your pilot. you haven't been in this body for years now. you found yourself and put her into a box and then put her up on a shelf. she's still safe up there and she's still a kid.

running yourself into the ground and the constant knowledge: you don't even know where you're going and you don't like the experience. but where ever it is: you're not there yet.

[krillfails]

This is a bid for connection, I want to talk to you, I want to get to know you, I want you to get to know me. I want things like before, before things drifted apart

[krillfails]

i cant think of anything to write for this ted talk. I have so much trauma but its so hard to write about that. Like whats the use of it if i cant use it for my own benefit? cmon you stupid brain WORK This is why Diane Nguyen hits too close to home, that scene where shes trying to write her manifesto really is the exact thing.

[krillfails]

Sometimes I just want someone to see this. Maybe i can be helped