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Finding My Voice
That was the thing. It's easy and safe and acceptable the sort of longing or missing feeling you have for the upright in your life. But man....the missing of the deceased, while you go on everyday... Oh my...thay is not the sort of pain for the faint of heart. The courage.and strength and faith it takes to get through one more flash of them in your mind ; one more moment when you reach to call them; one more deep devasting emotion that you can't tell them about your day and get a reaponse. It is that kind of existing that makes alternatives like drugs, sex, running away, suicide, pushing people away, isolation....it is that daily struggle that leads to seeking When the seeking shows its own hell on Earth, the emptiness expands. FUCK EVERYTHING AND RUN or FACE EVERYTHING AND RISE. A true daily struggle. With it, ya win some and you lose some. I have yet to totally lose and drop out, but boy have I been close. I don't know what I am going to do or how I will handle the next day, but, just for today, I openly ache and maybe it's just this damn virus going around ot maybe it's deeper, but... I feel the weight of the "what if, "almost" , and "what could have been" crashing hard in me like the waves of a tsunami. So, I will pray. I will keep the faith. I will whisper my thoughts to my angels. I will be grateful and, if given the chance, I will try harder tomorrow. And..if not... I accept me , forgive me and others, and am so very blessed for the handful of people who made such beautiful memories in my head and my heart . Try for another 24. Xo
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Blacklisted to the Top
Day 7 of sobriety did not mean I stopped trying, but meant I stopped caring about the result. If it did not come through than I just keep moving forward...sober. And so I did. I removed and blocked the people whom had taken advantage, caused me harm, lack integrity or loyalty. Those whom were dishonest, vengeful, deceptive, on drugs, or providing them. It was time to let them go too. It was a no go from my final attempt and I realized I had been blacklisted for a number of reasons: they had only one side of the story, they are dependently high af, the story of human remains had been falsely told, me telling those persons off had consequences, or ...and I prayed for this....it was my God and my Angels removing the scum from my life at all costs. It was quite successful this way. I am a strong will full pwrson and unless I wanted to make it myself, the silk road had come to an end. My problem with this, was, it was now time for me to rise again. Bigger, better, more. I feared the transition as I had been so broken for the last year, and it consistently got worse, that standing tall and where I truly belong seemed so very difficult. Day 7 sobriety...and I realized I had been blacklisted and it was time for me to shine again. Shake off all this shit. Stand. Prosper. Lord help me.
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You can have the cake and eat it too
I woke up in bed with a middle aged man. Not really woke up as I had not slept, but still questioning the woman I am becoming and how the hell did or when did I become this bitter and vengeful? The attempt as sex was by far, pitiful. I had no interest and really only wanted to upper hand that second class piece of whore daughter of his. However, his company was enjoyable and under other circumstances I am sure I'd have liked him just fine. I drove home cold and as lost as I felt inside. Smoked a few more bowls, and attempted to service myself as no one else had been able to get me on board, focused, or close to release on the past week since all this world crashed around me. Successful as it was, I also fell asleep making me an additional two hours late to work. Dressed and more bowls and I arrived. I worked quietly listening to music in my own silence. Completed in record time. Drove home. Serviced myself again and debated if I should be out for my birthday or stay home. I felt tired, lonely, and sad....sadder than I've been in awhile and oh it is a painful wretched feeling of itself. Maube loud music and booze could cure it. More likely, the booze would shatter me and I would pour out in pain. So, I sat. I smoked. I cried. I debated. I pretended. I thanked everyone for the bday wishes on facebook and Snap. I chatted pointlessly with persons. I numbly moved forward living minute to minute because suicide and drugs were weighing so heavily as legitimate options to the suffering that each minute truely felt like my last. My brain knew this was the beginning, thst an end had came, but my heart swore it was me that ended and there was no forward.
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Dark Matter
Nevermore, nevermore. I've always had a pretty dark and twisty sort of heart and soul. I don't mean in a way that is a threat to anyone, well, other than myself I suppose. It's just....the cheer was never there in my life. It's hard to be your own worst critic and your only cheerleader at the same time. Lin had asked me in the condescending judgemental tone I had grown accustomed to what the deal is with ravens and dark creepy shit. At that point, interactions with Caleb had led me to a point of acceptance that some people just can't and won't "get me". That I don't have to explain myself to anyone and everyone. That it's actually pretty cool and okay being me. That I did not need anyone elses approval ever. I responded that he would not understand and he gave me the what's to understand, you're creepy, and dumb, sort of look. I jist.moved right on like it did not matter, but it very much did. It was the first moment I really understood how to respond when someone really does not care about you. It was a start and it felt good. So, this is the next tattoo. And no....I am.not going to explain a damn thing. It is perfect for me.
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Pictures and Thousands of Words
Given the circumstances, trusting my own thoughts did not seem like the best option. Though my thought did seem valid and rationale is not going to be well received as the action is quite taboo, I wanted to be just sure it was right. In order to give time, I decided to take each pic currently on my phone that is saved/locked, and describe the story behind it. Let others know why something matters and what memory lays there. So it began as a simple distraction. It took on its own life. Never looked at a single thing the same again. I began to speak in picture, some times wordlessly.
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Day 6: The after death
We are skipping mutiple days of details and background ahain, but a summary should do: property from their apart is in my truck. It's still icy. Manager is mad at the complex. Judy dumps me to hang with other friend, who happened to be at the apart when I got there. No one said that. Kind of wasted me and the other friends time. Realized she used me for the truck and property. Realized I am a fucking idiot and again list another reason I don't feel bad, and how much better Heaven has got to be. Remove stuff from backseat, leave rest in tailgate. Last day to xmas shop. Invite Lin. Becomes all about Lin. Argue. Calebs wife calls and wants to kill me over ashes. Lin flips and becomes a shit bag worse than usual. I default to service mode. Nevada calls. Cops. Stolen human remains. Argue with judy and Lin. Never hear from either of them again (mostly). No one gives dates/times for services to me. Fuck off message to each. Nevada become a friend. Sit on couch for days. No showering. Did not open. Xmas gifts. Cried. Ripped off on purchase again. I slept 13 hours. I cried while hitting my pipe and I thought that was impossible. I spent my last 5o and am late on 3 bills. This Christmas fucking sucks. I lost 3 people at one time. This feels familiar and I am reminded of 1999 and my empty chair. I realize how sad this world really is. Like...I realize how heavy and hard my own life has teally been and how utterly exhausted and hopeless I just really feel. And I too, just want to go home. I wonder wHy I can't get the call because, man, I am just so fucking done with this. It's not very enjoyable and it's been rough. The only people I ever really could rely on and that I felt valued me were dead. Sure, I have some really great peopleasure here, but not one that fully understands or concerns with me. I wish people were there for me and did not take me for granted. I stopped initiating conversations with people long ago. It's amazing how you never hear from them, if it was not for your own effort. I realized how much I really gave people and the world. I realized how very little people and the world gave to me. I realized how lonely and painful it is to be that person in this world. I realized how much I just did not want to do it anymore so I spent the remainder of the time praying, arguing, begging, bartering for this to be over. As I showered, washed dishes, drove to work, worked, held conversations. As long as I lived, I prayed to be dead.
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The secrets that kill us
I yell aloud to Caleb how much this is bullshit. We just found each other and already that's it. Oh good lord, words could not express the intensity of the word, "drowning" I felt. I was struggling to stay afloat. I send a eta update to judy. I cuss the weather and roads. I cuss Caleb. I cry out to God. I had carried an empty chair iny chest since 1999. As often as people tried to fit into it, as hard as I tried to get a good fit in it, as many times as I tried to destroy it....that damn chair continued on, taking up space, and remaining empty. Part of me always remained empty. Like when someone smiles and their eyes are painfully sad...that's the empty I carried. He appeared in the most unexpectant of ways. The moment his eyes met mine, a wave of relief flooded me. The magic was, he had the same expression. We blushing ly smiled at one another. It was such a quick instance and judy did not notice. I wondered had I imagined it the whole time. We continued on as friends and under the front of our shared tragedy: we had both lost a brother. Judy and Lin had never lost anyone close to them so they assumed that was why he and I had such similarities and clicked from the bat. The world just kept forcing us together. We're were hanging out with each other without our lover/friend. We talked about so much of oirselves, loves, pasts, pains. The music we liked, funny jokes, and our asshole relationships we were each in. So many times, we did not have to say a word to each other, just a look or behavior that, just intuitively said everything and was understood. It's a pretty fucking amazing feeling. The world spun real fast one night, and pushed us closer again. With no prior plans to do so, my roomie and I were headed to the bar, and suddenly Caleb is in the truck going to the bar with us. His broken down vehicle successfully moved off the road, and all his possessions from the car sitting next to him. Bar bound it is and it's always interesting. Lookie there, no surprise it's Lin at the bar. So I tease a bit and hug up on a few guy friends I know in a flirty fashion and proceed to hardly notice his presence. I knew it go to him and he ended up at the table too. I am so very grateful I had taken a picture. At the evenings end, both were coming with me home. The 4 of us were going to drink and play a game. Gosh he was handsome when he had been drinking. His eyes softened as well as his demeanor. His face relaxed. Then again maybe that was just how he looked at me because he always looked thst softly to me. I was bagging trash when I had a full hand on my pussy between my legs running quickly over my parts on up my back. I don't know if I have ever blushed thst hard in my life! Spinning around with surprise only to realize it was Caleb, not Lin, really took the mask off. I blushed again, let out a energetic whoa, and just kinda stumbled through excitement, flattery, mischievous, erotic, validation, fear, shame, again...speechless. Lin comes in, I say what happened. I am met with attitude and it's my fault for not telling him I was with Lin. Given Lin had not taken me, I never thought to tell anyone. Until we were official, I don't say shit. I don't like to get my hopes up and later explain away someone. I was a little taken back NY the response, but figured he was probably right. Roomie is not into party drugs just alcohol. Caleb was in the bathroom so I went to him to say hey...Dude. I'm with Lin. You can't be doing that. Lin was head inside the door before I got to the end of the sentence. So I let him in and I walked off. Caleb and I talked about this later the following day. Suddenly, the flirtation of, :"but you liked it." Shook the world again. We could not have gotten any closer than we were that night. What had just occurred? Am I that girl? Why do I feel happier than I have in years? Oh my God....the chair. My chair in my heart was not empty anymore. Hell, he brought an empty chair for me to sit in too! We never spoke this feeling. We just looked at each other and knew it. So, more time was spent together. More messaging, more joking, more. Lin and Judy started nosing around it but neither had the balls to just bluntly ask. However, we would have denied it to the death. Not because of shame or regret, but... it was just so special the way it was...like...we liked our other person, but not in this intense way we did each other. Neither of us were prepared to jump ship, though, both knowing it needed to happen. This was not about speed. We had our whole lives ahead of us. There was no need to rush. I send another eta update to Judy. I realize I am grieving my soulmate. It feels bittersweet. I realize I am doing this is secret because I can't tell anyone, especially now. I feel the infinite pain of the word, "Almost.". Service mode kicks in, I am numb. I arrived to be the best bestie and support judy. I am dying inside and too numb to feel it.
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The secrets that kill us
I yell aloud to Caleb how much this is bullshit. We just found each other and already that's it. Oh good lord, words could not express the intensity of the word, "drowning" I felt. I was struggling to stay afloat. I send a eta update to judy. I cuss the weather and roads. I cuss Caleb. I cry out to God. I had carried an empty chair iny chest since 1999. As often as people tried to fit into it, as hard as I tried to get a good fit in it, as many times as I tried to destroy it....that damn chair continued on, taking up space, and remaining empty. Part of me always remained empty. Like when someone smiles and their eyes are painfully sad...that's the empty I carried. He appeared in the most unexpectant of ways. The moment his eyes met mine, a wave of relief flooded me. The magic was, he had the same expression. We blushing ly smiled at one another. It was such a quick instance and judy did not notice. I wondered had I imagined it the whole time. We continued on as friends and under the front of our shared tragedy: we had both lost a brother. Judy and Lin had never lost anyone close to them so they assumed that was why he and I had such similarities and clicked from the bat. The world just kept forcing us together. We're were hanging out with each other without our lover/friend. We talked about so much of oirselves, loves, pasts, pains. The music we liked, funny jokes, and our asshole relationships we were each in. So many times, we did not have to say a word to each other, just a look or behavior that, just intuitively said everything and was understood. It's a pretty fucking amazing feeling. The world spun real fast one night, and pushed us closer again. With no prior plans to do so, my roomie and I were headed to the bar, and suddenly Caleb is in the truck going to the bar with us. His broken down vehicle successfully moved off the road, and all his possessions from the car sitting next to him. Bar bound it is and it's always interesting. Lookie there, no surprise it's Lin at the bar. So I tease a bit and hug up on a few guy friends I know in a flirty fashion and proceed to hardly notice his presence. I knew it go to him and he ended up at the table too. I am so very grateful I had taken a picture. At the evenings end, both were coming with me home. The 4 of us were going to drink and play a game. Gosh he was handsome when he had been drinking. His eyes softened as well as his demeanor. His face relaxed. Then again maybe that was just how he looked at me because he always looked thst softly to me. I was bagging trash when I had a full hand on my pussy between my legs running quickly over my parts on up my back. I don't know if I have ever blushed thst hard in my life! Spinning around with surprise only to realize it was Caleb, not Lin, really took the mask off. I blushed again, let out a energetic whoa, and just kinda stumbled through excitement, flattery, mischievous, erotic, validation, fear, shame, again...speechless. Lin comes in, I say what happened. I am met with attitude and it's my fault for not telling him I was with Lin. Given Lin had not taken me, I never thought to tell anyone. Until we were official, I don't say shit. I don't like to get my hopes up and later explain away someone. I was a little taken back NY the response, but figured he was probably right. Roomie is not into party drugs just alcohol. Caleb was in the bathroom so I went to him to say hey...Dude. I'm with Lin. You can't be doing that. Lin was head inside the door before I got to the end of the sentence. So I let him in and I walked off. Caleb and I talked about this later the following day. Suddenly, the flirtation of, :"but you liked it." Shook the world again. We could not have gotten any closer than we were that night. What had just occurred? Am I that girl? Why do I feel happier than I have in years? Oh my God....the chair. My chair in my heart was not empty anymore. Hell, he brought an empty chair for me to sit in too! We never spoke this feeling. We just looked at each other and knew it. So, more time was spent together. More messaging, more joking, more. Lin and Judy started nosing around it but neither had the balls to just bluntly ask. However, we would have denied it to the death. Not because of shame or regret, but... it was just so special the way it was...like...we liked our other person, but not in this intense way we did each other. Neither of us were prepared to jump ship, though, both knowing it needed to happen. This was not about speed. We had our whole lives ahead of us. There was no need to rush. I send another eta update to Judy. I realize I am grieving my soulmate. It feels bittersweet. I realize I am doing this is secret because I can't tell anyone, especially now. I feel the infinite pain of the word, "Almost.". Service mode kicks in, I am numb. I arrived to be the best bestie and support judy. I am dying inside and too numb to feel it.
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Speechless
I absolutely cannot comprehend this has happen. Like the world completely halted on its axles and was still. A numbness so profound and familiar and frightening overtook my whole person. I swear it was so silent I heard my soul take a deep breath before it shattered. I think I even heard as the cracking began. The conversation went further. It was so very icy, I thought she was playing or maybe he had the phone and was screwing with me. Lin sent a snap so I opened it as I was confused with judys message and had not decided what to say yet. He tells me Caleb is dead. I tell him to shut the fuck up too. I am just sinking in the thought thay this is no way a joke. I go back to judy message. I call and it's true. I can hear the pain in her voice. It stabs right through me and my heart bleeds. Every scar I had just gave way and the old wounds reopened, I went to pieces inside this shell of skin and clothes. I fell to service mode. I promised I was on my way, I would risk the roads, and to hold tight. I checked in repeatedly. I asked a local friend to go sit with her until I arrived.
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Second chances: to give or not to give
Question 19: Are you satisfied with your friendships? Why or why not? Again, I immediately know the acceptable answer is yes and a valid reason is that they are supportive and caring. I really don't want to lie. I am.not comfortable canvassing the truth. I am not comfortable selling a perfect life that I do not believe exists. My friends are shits and most.of the time, so is my family. I met Jane at the gym.I worked at. We slowly became.very good friends and I heartwarming ly loved her and our friendship. It was a blast. During the downfall, she says to me, " you can't just cut people off like that. You'll never have friends if you donthst. People deserve second chances." I thanked her for sharing her perspective and said I would think about it. This phrase has ram through my.head in every relationship since then. Although we made yp and I forgave, allowing a second cjance, another fallout occurred and to this day we do not talk. 6 years or more, and not one attempt to be friends again. Friends. No. No, I am not happy with the friendships I have. I've been punched by a couple friends. I have been badmouth ed by the other and two face treatment by another. Even the longest friends never reach out l, check on me, or.offer consistent support. Heck, a couple friends I am certain are only using me.for something they need like a ride, washer and dryer, weed, a trash can to dimp.all their shit in, a shoulder to cry on with no reciprocation. My intuition is strong and has taken me far. Second chances are not a practice of mine. Sure, after years and years of friendship that is acceptable, but not at the start. Given I know this, I still remain their friend. It's not because I want to or I think it's okay the things they do. It's because I am lonely. I miss people. I need them too. In a way, I am.sure in use them too to try and fill the empty holes, but end up in a stick in a swamp of clingers sucking the last bits of extrovert energy from my soul as I slowly sink in front of them. I become the stepping stone for them...they push me further in to the muck. Nah. Second chances are not what I give or need to give. I'll never see a return on that investment. I will, however, see all the reasons why I should not have given in. I answer tactfully with a socially normative response of, "yes, I am happy with my friendships and.proceed to describe them as if they exist and have desirable characteristics of a solid friendship. I take an exhaustive deep breath...I am so done with these questions.
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Always Ready for The Funeral
Question 18: If you could have one wish, what would it be? I continue on with the questions and easily find myself insecure and thinking of the next best option to write. It should be an appeasing thought to the reader. My truth, my initial thought, would not meet thay expectation. I never really wished for things like a boyfriend, a badass career, home ownership,etc. I always wished his death was not true. That was my wish. I dreamt once that the funeral occurred and he came out from the back claiming it was just a prank. Another time, he was older , and faked his death to escape and I was just finding out his death was not real. I hated him in those dreams for being so cruel, but my heart felt so much lighter knowing it never happened. Of course, they were just dreams of impossible scenerios giving way to my persistent search for his death to not be real. Grief is like that I suppose. Some days the pain makes each day a tall mountain to climb. Other days, it's so sweet and serene that the only thought to ruin it is that my brother was killed and he will never see this day. If I had one wish, it would be that he never died. I would wish that and would love to see what the world looked like with him still on it. I think the ripple effect theory (butterfly) is simplistic but true. How would I have been different? My folks? Our home town? Who would we have each became if not for the tragedy. 14 is a critical age. Transitioning from middle school to high school in the shadow of his 16 short years...Transitioning in the shadow of a drunk driving tragedy. Just who the hell else would I have been if not for that loss? Damage. Everyone carries damage as it is part of our human experience. If everything happens for a reason, is what I have done reflective of a life existing?As I remain, I wonder how he would have done it better. Maybe Mom would still be alive. His death was the absolute catalyst to her untimely death 10 years later. I wonder if she would ever gotten around to apologizing for letting her boyfriend molest us. I wonder if she ever would have been grateful I was the one who lived. She had always wished it was me and not him. If she had one wish, is that what she would say? The God I love in my heart has shown me one for another is never a sacrifice but one of selfishness. But to sacrifice oneself, is pure. Maybe she would would take the death on herself so he and I could both exist. I never felt more alone in the world as I have felt for the last 17 years . I would leave a gaping whole in the universe of that day by wishing it was a day erased. Much like the Universe put in my heart. In a fun, loving and hopeful persona giving the answer, I write, "If I could have one wish, it would be for the jackpot winning powerball numbers for the next drawing so I can win big!" I continue the requested paragraph with reasons and things I would buy..... I keep the truth to myself.
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I think, therefore...
Question 16: In your own words, please explain the meaning of,"I think, therefore, I am," as famously quoted by Rene' Descartes in Discourse on Method. Nearly 6 years post college, and this specific quote has always taunted me; casting me to self doubt, second guessing, and indecisiveness. The optimist inside me, that big, brown-eyed, lip scarred, cowlicked bangs young girl - is one and the same as the villain. Characteristically she is empathetic, helpful, and most importantly. ..she is hopeful. As I lay there on the couch, wrapped in warmth and comfort, self inventory runs rampant and I find myself asking myself if I am in fact insane or just actually living my life for me? Had I deserted concern for judgements and others opinions? Did I no longer meet societal conformation of the standards and norms? Had I suffered a full breakdown...and just never returned to my old self like I had many times, many breakdowns ago? Or... was I..... had I.... finally found myself? Was I just living this life like I truly wanted in my heart? Worse yet. ...the voice of my deceased narcissistic, manic mother is letting me know during this thought process ...how I have just really fucked up and she is going to get a lawyer to take my son away. This triggers a responding thought from the Yin and Yang: YIN: "Her son, your brother, died. It has torn her to shreds. She is unhealthy and needs help. Be kind despite her behavior" Yang: "Remember on prom night, you did not come home? She called where you were staying. Remember when you heard her voice say to your cousin through the ear piece of that phone: "I wish it would have been her and not my son." Yang: ya....you are basically a fuck up, and are on borrowed time because your brother would have made a better life and been of more value to this world." During the few split second synopsis that just occurred in my mind, I manage to refocus on the statement, and to myself in my head ,"You are not crazy. You are smart and resilent." Single mother, 42: Masters degree: Quits Federal job of 15 years because, "Fuck the system." Becomes a local grocery bagger for 12 bucks per hour. Says she is freer and happier than she has been in a very long time. Has become a frequent recreational drug user, bootlegging weed in her free time when her son is out of town. However, she is off all medications and rarely drinks anymore. No insurance. No pensions. No security.... ...and she is happy, well, a closer version of happy, like a dark, emo version. What is this that is happening to my life? Had the spirited little spark inside screaming, "No!. I deserve and demand that I receive fair, just, and rational treatment. Give it or go!", just found peace? I repeat in my mind, "I think, therefore, I am". I conclude that one day at a time, I am sure to find out basically by the methodology of Descartes. When I can no longer think, I no longer am. At some point, I will die. Maybe today from hitting the pipe; Maybe in my 70s from an aneursym; hell. ..Maybe a serial killer or falling down my steps. No matter the date, time, method, or location....is absolutely is guarenteed to occur. Now, given I do not know the countdown timer on my life,... I want to live each day just however the hell it comes. I don't want to be the carrier or disperser of hate, judgement, superiority, pettiness, gossip, greed, vengeance. I want to love. I want to care. To understand. To share. To cherish. To laugh and to experience a life without fear. Irrational behavior or courage...I do not know. But today, I am thinking about these things. And...because I have the ability to think about these intricate thoughts and each possible rational.... I am alive. I AM. Livin' lave da Loco. ... Or Loco livin. I think easy to myself that these things..these behaviors and actions.. They are a part of my story I bare uniquely of my own. I do not know where the next moment takes me, however, I faithfully believe that God was aware of the paths I would take of my own free will. Everything happens for a reason. At no point, do I walk alone. I am a crazy lady, living a crazy life....much like I should. If God can love and not judge, I can too. I am alive.
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