kruel-kilo

[kruel-kilo]

Lisa Jahovic 

[kruel-kilo]

[kruel-kilo]

[kruel-kilo]

[kruel-kilo]

Mondo 2000 (1996)

[kruel-kilo]

[kruel-kilo]

Dreams of Geisha, polaroid lift

[kruel-kilo]

Mark Handforth, Silver Star, 2004.

[kruel-kilo]

Mariko Mori: Wave UFO (1999)

[kruel-kilo]

this little fucker really had it all figured out. still led with such innocence. i had no idea fr bc i hadn't experienced, really anything. but i was quite sure of what i thought, anticipated, hoped, thought; it was all supposed to.... be i'll never fully understand how i somehow thought that bc i hadn't looked close enough or delved deep enough, to form a coherent value on myself... that the things that others saw, the person they saw me to be... was somehow most valid. its not that i was insecure. i just wasn't focused on "me" i was so focused on where i needed to be. i never had the luxury of fully embracing or embodying who i felt i was bc i was always diminished, secluded, overlooked. i never was granted the mic for long enough to be sure of my voice. so i didn't think about it that much. i continued to try & gain exposure and understanding of others voices to better understand my own. also i think that translated into me just feeling like it wasn't my time to. like, i'll figure out who i really am, when its my time to. once i make it out into the world. obviously that's normal and most common but for me i think specifically it meant that i really did not consider myself or look at myself that autonomously. it seemed like that was only granted once graduating. so it felt so jarring to be perceived all of a sudden in my final years of teenage bc i had never considered my self or ways of being, to such an extent before. ofc i've always been fixed asf & opinionated but it was very very different back then. & it felt so sooo different to be "seen". so much so i started to believe that it had to hold more weight than my own perceptions. & idk ... years later it makes me feel a bit silly. but it also makes me really sad. because i feel like so often those same energies that were once affirmative, became antagonistical and deleterious. and it most often felt that it was in relation to me, my knowing, and need to humble. but that's so comically the opposite of what has only ever been my experience. personally. coming to realize, coming to conclude, much much later down the line. & it's endlessly difficult for me to solidify this. even for myself. to go from being unaware of myself. my truth. my voice. to prioritizing whats reflected & projected from others. to realizing that doesn't align authentically with me. to still struggling to uphold what it is, in fact, that i see..hold true and believe. ughhhh my libra risings showing. i could go back & forth forever. & still never feel like i adequately got my thoughts off or conveyed myself appropriately.

january 22

is this how 2017 is gonna be? I’ve received so much love from so many different people. my true self has been revealed & im truly starting to grow. I stopped making excuses for anything & everything. I’m making it a point to be more genuine, I want to love more. I’m doing that. I’m really loving myself, man I’m loving myself. today I took an hour bath & mediated & listened to soft music all in the dark for 3 hours being illuminating only by candlelight. rn I’m drinking herbal tea & listening to spooky black. life is good. is this how 2017 is gonna be?

[kruel-kilo]

By Marili Andre for AnOther Magazine SS24

[kruel-kilo]

[kruel-kilo]

[kruel-kilo]

Oleg Nicolaivitch Tselkov FIGURA

[kruel-kilo]

crescent moon shaped elevator buttons

[kruel-kilo]