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kulminatur · 2 years

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How can I learn to be beautiful and good like you? I'm so ugly I can't take it

my teacher says “all self improvement is doomed, because all self improvement begins in self loathing.” Here is what she means: if you try to get into a yoga pose for the first time and you are intent on doing it perfectly, the body itself will prevent you. you may try to straighten your leg, only to find that this brings your pelvis out of a square position. or you may find that you try to strain forward to reach your toes, only to bring the belly away from the thighs and shorten the spine– making you further from your goal the more you reach for it.the body makes these adjustments to prevent you from injury. your muscles could not take the strain of doing something perfectly the first time. if you were to push through these adjustments and insist on forcing the leg straight, forcing the pelvis square, forcing your hands to your toes, you would likely get hurt. but the body is wise and good. and if we listen to it we will not get hurt.the mind is the same as the body and so it is also wise and good. if you are not practiced enough to hold your discomfort, the mind will find ways to protect you from pain: the mind will deflect blame onto others, the mind will project, the mind will justify you in your behavior. the mind does all these things not because it is bad, but because it is wise; because the mind, like the body, knows it cannot take the strain of doing something perfectly the first time it is asked to.you cannot improve yourself on a set timeline. you cannot say: i will be a better person in six months to a year. you have to trust your body-mind to be your teacher, and trust that it knows the correct pace at which you can heal. when you allow yourself to be as you are, and to take care of the body-mind you have, to nourish your needs as they are (instead of as what you want them to be), to allow yourself to exist without applying force, you will organically get better. the instinctive things you do to protect yourself from malnourishment and and from shame and from fear and from vulnerability and from wounds and from the past will fall away on their own. because you won’t need protection anymore.

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kulminatur · 2 years

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Tips for Getting What you Want out of Life

1. You need to begin by thinking about what you want your life to look like. It’s important to be concrete and specific here – not general and vague. Then, use that information to set clear goals for yourself.

2. Be confident and believe in yourself. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t have what other people have, or should be that individual you’d really like to be. If you’re willing to work hard, and to pay the price required, you can have what you want and find the right niche for you.

3. Keep your focus on your goal – don’t get sidetracked from your dream. You’ll have to keep on going and push through trying times. Remember, the prize is worth the effort; you’ll be glad you persevered.

4. Don’t give into temptation to go for lesser goals, or to do something attractive that won’t lead anywhere. Don’t pretend that you’ll be happy if you give up on your dream. You’ll wish that you’d be stronger and looked at the long-term.

5. If you slip up, just get over it, and move on with your plan. It doesn’t mean it’s over. Get back on track again. The goal is too important to waste time on regrets. Your focus is the future, and what will take you there.

6. Recognise your weaknesses, then plan how you will manage them. That way, you’ll have some strategies to deal with challenges.

7. Finish what you start; don’t give up on success.

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kulminatur · 2 years

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Best friends boyfriend

18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Requested: @kai-choco-queen-32

Warning: swearing, cheating, drinking

Genre: smut, angst, fluff (towards the end)

Characters : Kai x Estella x Black Reader x kyungsoo

Wc: 1.9k

Chapters: 1, 2, ?

a/n: I had writers block for the longest! I’m sorry

*not proof read 😬

“I mean I can’t believe him he told me I was childish?! He’s the one that bought poppies when i specifically asked for roses. Ughhh I can’t stand him” of course she’s complaining over her boyfriend again. That’s all she ever does. Complain about a man who literally treats her like the queen of the world. He would literally take a bullet for her and she’d still find that an inconvenience.

“Estella I thought you liked poppies?” you questioned showing no emotion. “You literary told him you liked poppies” you rolled your eyes picking up her shoes she discarded through your shared apartment and neatly lined them by the front door.

“I did but I changed my mind and I want roses, he didn’t get me roses- oh wow look who’s calling” she snickered declining her boyfriends call. Poor thing he treats her so well, almost too well. And what does she do in return? Acts like a spoiled bitch. You were just so upset at her, you couldn’t believe someone could be so selfish and narcissistic. You rolled your eyes and continued to clean your apartment, that’s another thing about her she never cleans! She’s always on her phone gossiping leaving a mess everywhere she goes. She’s become someone you barley recognize. When you two first became friends she was never like this, she was extremely sweet, selfless, caring, and most importantly she cleaned up after her self.

Now she’s changed, and not for the better. She’s gotten new friends, changed her whole appearance and she barely even talks to you. You hope and pray that the old Estella is in there somewhere, but it’s starting to feel like she’s gone forever, which makes you terribly sad.

“Hey um- y/n can you get the door please?” you looked up from the glossy counter top you were wiping down and looked at her in confusion.

“Why-“ right as you asked the door bell rang. You walked over to the small security screen on the wall next to the door to see a sulky looking Kai holding roses. You frowned unlocking and opening the door.

“Hey y/n” you gave him a small smile moving out of the way so he could walk in. He kicked off his shoes lining them up beside the wall neatly. At least some one has manners.

“How’ve you been?” He asked genuinely curious about your well being. You smiled nodding your head “I’ve been hanging in there” he chuckled and your answer.

“I feel you” he pulled a rose from the bouquet and handed to you. “Here I hope this makes you feel better” you look at the rose then back at him. This small gesture shouldn’t make your heart flutter like this, but you can’t help it he’s all you’ve ever wanted in a guy. Too bad he’s taken.

“You’re too sweet” you blushed taking the rose. You two stood there in comfortable silence for a few seconds when a obnoxious squeal came from the living room.

“Babe!! You’re here!” She came skipping to the door with a big fake grin on her face. She grabbed him the by the neck and went in for a sloppy wet kiss and bit his lip as she pulled away. You involuntarily watched it all and wanted to vomit.

“Oh my goodness baby you brought my flowers” she basically snatched the bouquet and walked to the kitchen to find a vase. He glance and your uncomfortable stance and mouthed the word sorry. All you could do was give him an sad smile and say ‘you were fine’, which might’ve been a lie.

——————

Unfortunately you knew how the night would go so you hastily escaped the apartment before you could hear anything to make you gag. You dragged yourself the nearest movie room your friend called you to and waited.

“You’re late!” He dead panned opening the door. His tie was loose around his neck and his dress shirt slightly untucked. Must’ve been a hard day at work you thought. Nonetheless you rolled your eyes pushing him out your way “how was I suppose to know you were here already?”

“Call?! Ya big dummy” you both plopped down on the couch and he hands you a bowl of ramen. You take with a smile ready to dig in.

“What are we watching?” Your asked stuffing your mouth.

“Spider-Man” he presses play and you just stare at him.

“Kyungsoo…which one-” he interrupts you by placing a finger on your lips. “All” was his only answer. You scrunched up your face in disgust and slapped his hand away.

“Quit being weird!”

——————————

“So you’re meaning to tell me she had a fit over some flower that she said she liked?!” You nodded downing the rest of your fifth beer.

“Man she trippin” you nodded in agreement. He looked at his phone then back at you “you still like him?” That question caught you off guard causing you to choke up.

“Huh? No- no I’m over him. Been over him” you didn’t even believe your lies. Your eyes darted everywhere around the small room trying not to look at kyungsoo.

“Sure, so it wouldn’t effect you if I told you that Kai texted me he had feelings for you” if you weren’t sober already that surely did it.

“Huh?! What?! When?” You threw questions at him a little too excitedly.

“Ha! I knew it, too easy” he gloated.

“I think I should get going” you sighed pushing your self off the couch still feeling buzzed. Kyungsoo groaned kicking his feet like a toddler. He tend to be a little more baby-ish when his drunk. (No one sees this side but his close friends)

“No I was just messing don’t get upset y/n” he pouted grabbing your wrist. You turned around to see him slumped down, cheeks tinted red, and his hair tossed from him running his through it nonstop. To be honest you would stay longer but you’re both more than tipsy and it’s about to hit three in the morning.

“Hun it’s three A.M, I have class and you have work. You’re father wouldn’t be too appreciative if you showed up hung over” he smacked his lips sitting up. He let go of your wrist and snatched his suit jacket off the arm of the chair.

“You know I hate it when you’re right, and that balding bastard can kiss my ass. Always nagging me about following in his footsteps blah blah blah” you couldn’t help but giggle at him in his drunken state as he made fun of his dad.

“Come on big baby let’s get goin” you both wrapped yourselves around each other and stumbled out of the movie room.

As you exited the building walking down the busy side walk you couldn’t help but think about you and Kyungsoo’s friendship. You met him through Kai freshman year of college and you two quickly grew close thanks to having similar but very different personalities. You both just clicked. Now it’s 3 years later and your closer than ever.

“Penny for you thoughts?” He slurred leaning on your shoulder.

“Just thinking about us” he hummed.

“Don’t tell me you want me? Listen… I know I’m wildly attractive but you have to compose yourself.” You groaned ‘thinking here he goes again’ he’s so overly confident it comes off as conceded. “You’re very beautiful and have a great personality but-“ you cut him off by pushing him but not fully letting him go knowing he’ll probably fall due to his drunken state.

“Shut. Up. You idiot, I don’t want you I just- I’m just am glad you’re my friend” you hiccuped.

“Sure” he teased.

————————

“Thanks for walking me home” he nodded.

“Anytime” you pushed in the code in the door and waited until you heard a click to walk in.

“Have a good night and text me when you get home” you peeked out, he silently waved his hand up continuing to walked down the hall. You closed the door creeping through the apartment hoping they won’t make any noise.

Too late you made it to the kitchen and seen the refrigerator light illuminating the dark space with someone rummaging through it.

“Who’s up?” You whispered at the person behind the door. You heard a thud then a ‘ow’ following. The anonymous person emerged from the fridge and turned on the light. It was Kai. And he was shirtless.

Great. (Sarcasm)

You began to say something but nothing came out. You reluctantly ripped your eyes from his toned chest. ‘Quit being horny’ your internally scold yourself.

“Jeez you scared me there, I didn’t even know you were gone” he chuckled. Well that definitely made you feel seen.

“Here looks like you need this more than me” he handed you the water he got from the fridge. You tilted your head slightly to the side still staring at him. God he looked so beautiful, you couldn’t fathom how someone could be as handsome as the devil and have the soul of an angel. He’s unreal you thought. You should’ve felt ashamed as you scanned his body with lust filled eyes. Maybe it’s the alcohol in you but you wanted him to take you on the counter pull your hair and make you scream his name until your cunt was sore and swollen begging him to stop.

“You’re tipsy am I right? I can tell by your face. You look flushed” his raspy tired voice pulled your attention towards his lips . They were moving but you weren’t hearing a thing. Your body was faster than your mind and before you knew it your lips were on his, you kissed him like he was the oxygen to your lungs. God they were so plump and soft you wanted them kissing every inch of your horny body.

To your surprise his arms snaked around your hips tugging you closer to his exposed chest. The kitchen was filled with soft hums and lewd sounds coming from you both. He hoisted you you on the counter and wrapped your legs around his waist. As you nibbled on his bottom lip you could feel him becoming hard and that made your pussy clench around nothing. You wanted him bad and it seemed like he wanted you too. You were in so deep, and it felt so good. All of your exes and flings kissed like a fish gasping for air out of water.

It was repulsive. but Kai? Kai was amazingly skilled with his mouth. You let his tongue roam your mouth and you needily rubbed your clothed cunt on his cock through his sweats. You loved how he desperately was grabbing at your hips— rubbing and caressing them helping you grind on him.

You were so deep in the moment until someone popped in the back of your mind. Estella. Shit.

You immediately ripped away from him horrified in what you’ve just done. You made out with your best friends boyfriend, but then again—you didn’t feel bad.

“I should’ve never done that I’m- I have to go” your whole body was on fire. And not from being horny, you were ashamed of your actions but it felt right. You hopped down from the counter and quickly walked to your room shutting the door.

Your let your breathing calm from the previous interaction with Kai. You couldn’t get him out of your head though, you thought about him in the shower, in bed, and through the next morning.

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kulminatur · 2 years

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too many dumb people turn in to my life.

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kulminatur · 3 years

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Aku paham aku tak bertempat, kau ambil hampir seluruhnya.

Aku menengadah namun tak mendapatkan makrifat, kau memenuhi segala isi kepala.

Betah mencari-cari andil takdir yang membuat kekacauan tak ada henti seperti ini, sehingga yang muluk terdengar ditelingaku, jadi semakin menjauh dari pandangan mata.

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kulminatur · 3 years

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Bertambah satu kabar berita.

Agar kau tak kusam, kuajak engkau berkelana

mengitari alam pikirku,

yang hanya berisi segala hal tentang kamu.

Bertambah satu gurat tanda tanya.

Apakah aku pernah memilikimu? Atau aku hanya sebatas menyentuh yang bukan milikku?

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kulminatur · 3 years

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Kamu tidak perlu berusaha mencintaiku lagi. Cukup aku saja yang masih hening dalam harap.

Semua memang bukan hanya tentangmu saja, ini tentang keputusanku,

untuk tetap menimpa diri dengan rasa cinta yang teramat sangat.

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kulminatur · 3 years

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What is love?

Semenjak dia bilang bahwa dia tidak mencintaiku, aku jadi berpikir. Berkali-kali. Sebenernya tentang apa itu cinta?

Aku yang tadinya mahfum banget sama segala permasalahan cinta jadi meng-kerdil. Frequently asking myself, what is love?

Dulu padahal aku bisa jelasin definisinya secara detail. Tapi sekarang, kayak, apa ya?

Aku merasa waktu yang udah aku lewatin selama ini betul-betul sudah menjadikan itu sebuah makna. Tapi ternyata belum cukup.

Dan perasaan, memang tidak pernah bisa dipaksakan.

Kalau memang perasaan yang dia cari-cari belum ketemu di aku, dia memang punya hak untuk pergi.

Tapi, kalau memang perasaan nggak pernah bisa dipaksakan, kenapa dia lebih memilih buat memaksakan diri untuk menjalani hubungan yang tidak ada rasa cintanya?

Padahal dari awal dekat, kita udah saling terbuka.

Aku,

kalau cemburu gimana, aku bilang sama dia,

kalau aku nggak suka dibohongi, aku bilang sama dia

kalau aku baik-baik aja nungguin dia sampai merasa “bisa cinta” lagi sama orang, aku bilang kok sama dia.

Dan dia pun juga mengamini,

dia akan dengan sendirinya minta aku buat jadi pacarnya, kalau dia memang sudah cinta.

Januari, 21

Dia bilang sudah siap untuk menjadi yang di sisiku.

Aku pikir, dari situ sudah tumbuh perasaan cinta di dalam dadanya.

Aku ingat betul awalnya gimana, tapi nggak pernah bisa ingat betul kenapa endingnya jadi kayak gini juga.

Cinta menurutku, betul-betul hal abstrak yang merepotkan saja.

Aku pikir dengan kita saling berbagi ruang, berbagi pikiran, berbagi cerita, berbagi eksistensi, berbagi keluhan, berbagi waktu, berbagi kebahagiaan, berbagi perhatian, berbagi kasih sayang, itu udah menunjukkan bahwa kita saling cinta.

Ternyata bukan seperti itu juga pada akhirnya. Lalu seperti apa lagi cinta itu sebenarnya?

Kadang ketika kita bertemu dengan orang baru, kita merasa sangat yakin bahwa, “nah inilah orangnya”.

Awalnya berjalan baik-baik saja. Tapi kemudian, waktu menunjukkan wajah garangnya. Seolah tidak membiarkan perasaan bahagia hadir dalam jangka waktu yang panjang.

Dulu, dia datang dengan wajah sendu, akibat dari cerita sedihnya di masa lalu, aku menyambutnya dengan tangan terbuka. Pada saat itulah aku mulai belajar mencintainya. Begitu rapuh, lemah, dan tidak berdaya. Aku mulai mencintainya dari titik minusnya. Setahuku, pada waktu itu, aku sudah mencintainya.

Aku berusaha menjadi sosok yang sempurna, yang dia butuhkan, dan yang dia inginkan. Hari-hari dilalui dengan begitu saja. Dihantam dengan berbagai konflik, yang ternyata semuanya bersebab dari masa lalu.

Tuhan, kenapa cinta bisa semenyakitkan ini? Padahal bukan ini yang aku mau.

Aku paham, dan menyadari bahwa, cinta bukan hanya tentang menemukan kebahagiaan pada diri seseorang. Sebaliknya, cinta adalah kedua hal yang saling bertolak belakang, tetapi mendapatkan toleransi yang penuh untuk ada di dalam satu waktu.

Jika kita tidak pernah tahu wajah sedih dari cinta, bagaimana kita bisa tahu wajah bahagianya? Kita tidak bisa muluk, meminta cinta menggunakan busana bahagianya saja. Kadang, diperlukan sedikit--atau banyak konflik. Kadang, diperlukan sedikit--atau banyak kesedihan. Agar kita paham betul bagaimana rasanya bahagia.

Agar kita paham betul, tentang apa itu cinta.

Semua ini bukan hanya tentang,

kita berlari pada hal-hal yang membuat kita merasa bahagia saja. Tapi kita berlari pada hal-hal yang memiliki banyak kemungkinan baik dan buruk, tanpa memiliki perasaan takut untuk menghadapinya, karena kita adalah dua orang yang bersatu, tetapi tetap dua.

Kita lupa bahwa, dua orang yang bersatu itu pada awalnya memang sudah jauh berbeda. Lalu kenapa kita menjadikan perbedaan itu sebagai alasan untuk tidak bersama lagi?

Bukankah sebab kita berbeda itu kita bisa saling melengkapi? Bukankah sebab kita memulai itu ada akhir yang ingin kita tuju? Bukankah sebab kita memiliki itu kita pernah merasa tidak memiliki apapun?

Bahkan kalimat panjang ini hanya semakin membuat bingung saja. Aku masih saja gamang, tentang apa itu cinta?

Aku tidak pernah sampai pada kenyataan yang semembingungkan ini sebelumnya.

Bahwa

Setahuku cinta begitu sederhana. Sesederhana aku ada untuk dia, dia ada untuk aku. Dia menerima apa yang aku beri, aku menerima apa yang dia beri.

Setahuku, sesederhana itulah arti cinta. Kenapa jadi serumit ini ya?

#cinta prosa apaitucinta katakatacinta curhat

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kulminatur · 3 years

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Engkau tetap yang terindah. Meskipun hanya sebatas isi kepala.

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kulminatur · 3 years

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Tatap Muka

Perjalanan kereta pada waktu itu terasa sangat lama sekali. Aku menghabiskan banyak menit dengan memainkan beberapa apps favorit di gawaiku.

Pertemuan pertama kita, setelah hari-hari panjang yang melelahkan. Hanya dipikirkan saja geliatmu sudah merajalela.

Aku ingin menjadikanmu nyata.

Pada saat aku bukan apa-apa kamu membuka jalan agar aku bisa menempuhnya. Masa itu adalah masa yang terbaik. Karena aku lebih suka memulai daripada mengakhiri.

Waktu dini hari.

Aku membuka pintu lobby hotel dan memintamu untuk datang menjemput.

Beberapa kali pintu lift terbuka dan beberapa pegawai hotel berlalu lalang. Aku mendebarkan pertemuan pertama kita. Debar yang sampai sekarang pun masih tetap saja sama.

Bagaimana bisa aku jatuh cinta pada orang yang bahkan bayangannya saja kini tidak dapat aku miliki?

Kau menujukkan raut wajah setelah beberapa menit aku menghabiskan waktu untuk menunggu. Demi Tuhan, aku tidak bisa bersikap biasa saja karena dirimu saat itu begitu mempesona.

Rambut tergerai dengan tatapan mata yang tersenyum. Aku merasa sebagian dari diriku mati rasa, bagian yang lainnya girang tak terkira. Wanita yang menunjukkan wajah damainya— memprovokasi debar jantungku menjadi tak karuan rasanya.

Aku mengatur napas dan menahan diri agar tidak terlalu terbuai dengan euforianya. Namun agaknya hatiku tidak mampu menyembunyikan perasaannya.

Menggunakan dress dengan potongan yang sederhana,

saat itu engkau terlihat begitu sempurna. Sampai pada titik aku benar-benar ingin menjadi yang di sisimu. Aku ingin pemandangan seperti ini tidak cepat menghilang dalam satu pandangan mata. Bolehkah aku memelihara perasaan ingin memiliki kepadamu?

Aku membasuh diri sambil mengatur jalannya cerita pertemuan kita pada beberapa hari ke depan ini.

Setelah selesai, kamu menyambut dengan pelukan hangat dan sentuhan manis di bibir. Lidahku seperti kelu karena kalimat cintaku kau rebut dengan bibir yang mengulum manja. Tuhan aku benar-benar menyukainya.

Tak berapa lama, ciuman itu berubah menjadi ekspresi cinta lainnya. Sesuatu yang lebih intim. Membekas. Melumerkan isi kepala.

Aku menikmati setiap hembusan napas, denyut nadi, suara desahan, dan sentuhan lembut pada bagian tubuhmu yang paling sensitif.

Dan sejak saat itulah,

aku begitu ingin menjadi orang yang bertahan untuk mencintaimu setiap hari, sampai kita masing-masing menua dengan sendirinya.

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