kvercetti

[kvercetti]

life is good :-)

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do you know where to go? where to go? something on your mind want to leave me behind want to leave me behind

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wah wah wah so bored

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whole lotta hate inside my heart

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my pockets snug they can't hold my 7 they banned my visa my amex and mastercards

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~365

time does really go by fast. it waits for no one. stay stuck in one spot, and you'll get left behind. looking back, those three months that we talked feel like a dream. i cannot even believe that we talked every moment of every day at one point. seems like it never happened in all honesty. i no longer feel your absence. i do not long for your presence. i.e. i don't love you anymore. you're merely a past experience to me.

p.s. things keep getting better.

[kvercetti]

re: 149 & 40,526

things are different now. everything got better. i let go of hailey henwood for good now. it was difficult at first, but ultimately it helped me so much. every moment we had after april 6th hurt me one way or another, it was like hanging on to poison ivy out of fear of falling.

truth is, i fell. pretty damn hard. but, it led me to a new path, one that i would have not found otherwise. to be honest, i would not change a thing about how everything between us happened. from start to finish, i have grown so much as a person and i could genuinely not be more grateful for that.

your in my past now, just a memory. but it's a good one. there is not much to say anymore, as your not apart of me anymore.

as always, wishing you godspeed. au revoir.

p.s. i had a pleasant feeling re-reading a message you sent. it reads: "If one day we fall out, I wish nothing but the best for you". maybe you aren't as bad of a person as i sometimes like to think you are.

[kvercetti]

searching

life is so complex. there just so much to it, it would be impossible to understand every aspect of it. but.. i think an effort can be made. after all, wise men weren't born with their wisdom.

i want to write about a girl, as i do often, but this is more so my thoughts about her rather than any situation. i don't really know her, but she is so alluring. her name is Leah Hartley. she has been in my math class both last semester and this ongoing second semester. she also waits outside of my 7th hour class for her boyfriend, toby. she's so dreamy. there's something about her, i just can't put my finger on it. her dark brown hair is shiny and soft, her body is perfect, and her face is so gorgeous. her personality (from what i have picked up) is lovely, and there is grace in everything she does. how is such perfection possible? she is genuinely the most beautiful girl i have ever laid eyes upon. i wish i could know her. it would be a dream. she's friends with like half of my friends at school, and i am sure we would get along well. but she's just barely out of reach. what a shame. i will get to her one of these days.

she makes me feel something. the way she dresses.. what i feel could be mistaken for lust, but there's more to it than that. it reminds me of what tyler, the creator said about kali uchis once. she's so sweet and pretty, but there's also something sexual to her. her instagram account is private and only has around 100 followers. how could somebody so appealing keep so much to themselves?

beauty is all around and can be found everywhere, but some places are like rivers and others seem like the ocean, never-ending.

[kvercetti]

recently

life has been strange. it's hard to explain, but i can always try. well first of all, i am currently sick. i went to the gym today, started trying to deadlift, and then as soon as i finished my set i started feeling so nauseous and dizzy. i knew i was a little sick, but i think the heavy weights made it way worse. deadlifting was definitely not my best idea. my lower back started killing me after that, and in all honesty i just felt horrible. but anyways, i feel way better now.

i got a little sidetracked. school is out now, thankfully did okay in all of my classes. i have (mostly) let go of hailey. it's really hard to be honest because in my mind she is still the most perfect person ever. i don't even know why. she has done so many things that reinforce the idea that she is not for me, yet i always look past that. i think my mind only sees the sweet girl who i would text everyday and not the girl who ghosted me. i'm gonna keep this short because i want to sleep. i have let go but part of me still dreams of a day where i get sent a deep text at night. i just want closure. and throughout all the time we talked these past 2 months, i have gotten further from that rather than closer. i knew it was time to let go now. she has a boyfriend. even though she said she didn't want anything with anyone at the moment. she has gone against her words so many times. i don't know why i would bother to listen.

i will not text her. i will not look at any of her social media. the only time i would notice her is if she comments on someone's story or post, or if someone i follow reposts something of her. i had become too stuck in the past and too hurt to continue our friendship. i couldn't do it anymore. i had to let go.

[kvercetti]

ar ar ar

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finding myself again..

chat we're so back! it's like it's march again

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been away

didn't write last month, too busy. on fall break rn. miss that girl but also want to move on but also could never move on. i don't think i'm going to homecoming this year. too much unnecessary stress. don't really like anyone that much anyways. hate mesa high, everyone is fake (except for like 5 people) and it's just so draining. i'll make it out one day..

p.s. i'm no longer "falling in love again"

[kvercetti]

brb falling in love again.

[kvercetti]

writing my current situation to myself from 1 year ago.

here goes nothing..

hey kevin,

your summer break is about to end in a few days, and you'll be going into your sophomore year at mesa high. there's alot to say about that but let me tell you about freshman year for a sec. in detail.

your breakup with taylor was rough over the summer, but it's coming to an end soon. you're actually gonna start dating nicole in the first week of school, and you're gonna try your best for a while to truly fall in love with her, but that's never gonna happen. you're still hung over taylor even if you don't want to be so that's gonna be a problem with you and nicole. you're gonna stay with her for about 2 months; until the end or beginning of october. you guys break up. and you won't truly grasp the situation until way later.

at the start of the year, you're gonna think that your buddy aaron is really cool and you're going to try to get close to him. and it works. you guys are best friends and talk pretty much 24/7. that first month of school is as chill as it gets, so enjoy that. you're gonna have some fun times with the gang at superstition mall and things will be going pretty smoothly. that's until september, when things really start to change the course of your school year. aaron starts plotting on taylor, and at first you're gonna be pissed because she's your ex obviously, but because you're still hung over her you're gonna be in on it with aaron and you guys will become like a trio friend group. lots of texts, facetimes, and stuff of that nature. you develop hope that you and her could be together again because of how much you begin to talk to each other, but you're delusional.

you actually become a pretty bad person in a way. you break up with nicole because you feel like she's holding you back and that you have way better options (like taylor). you don't. actually, you don't even break up with her, she breaks up with you for good reason. she tells you after school that she thinks you guys are better off seperate. she says you've become immature and that aaron is a bad influence on you. you and aaron are best friends so you won't understand what she means and you'll think she's dumb. this is when things take a turn. you basically become like a replica of aaron. you obsess over being strong and going to the gym, your ego is huge, you add everyone and their momma on snapchat, and you start to treat women like objects. oh and you're horny as hell. this goes on for a few months. aaron starts dating taylor, and you become extremely jealous. they sit together during lunch (at the same table you and the guys sit at), they talk all the time during science, and basically they're eveything you wanted to be with her. these are some of the worst months of your life in all honesty. you hate everyone and everything and the only thing that matters to you is the gym. homecoming comes around, aaron and taylor are going together, and it was just a bad experience. oh and your kitchen burns down that night. during this time, you're kinda in a talking stage with macey, and you plot on her, but at the same time you don't put in much effort. she invites you to watch the fnaf movie, and you don't go. this is a cannon event. if i rememember correctly, you guys talk throughout october and november. at the end of november, you guys stop talking. oh and taylor breaks up with aaron at this time aswell.

december is an interesting time. you lock in with your classes a little bit, but to be honest you haven't cared about grades up until then and you continue not to for the rest of first semester. you start plotting on taylor again, and you kinda go through this weird wannabe model phase. nothing really crazy happens this month. you go to a party and the fit is tuff. oh, and you start talking a bit with someone you've had added on snapchat for a while. hailey. you guys talk here and there throughout december and you're basically leading her on during this time. christmas is lovely, and you get an amazing present. a trip to las vegas.

january 2nd. you adore the trip, as you're going through your brent faiyaz luxury phase, and it turns out to be a great experience. lots of photos and fun memories. you post a whole bunch on instagram. when you get back and the school year starts up again, you're still kinda plotting on taylor. but, hailey sends you a wake up call sort of paragraph that eventually leads you guys to be extremely close. you kinda lock in with her, even though you still fuck around and talk to a lot of women during this month. you also let your feelings get the best of you and make a really stupid decision (i won't say what). by the end of this month, you and hailey are talking a lot and she invites you to her school's sadies dance. you feel kinda obligated to go, as you believe that she deserves a good time with you after all the time she's been loyal to you. february comes around. you're lonely on valentine's day this year but it's okay, you have the chance to text and call hailey.

february 22nd comes around, the day of sadies. you actually had to go through hell and back just to get permission both from your parents and from your school. dad takes you, you arrive, and it's every so slightly awkward at first but that later goes away. you are LOCKED IN. you really believed that confident luxury aesthetic so much that you became it. you had aura. that night was lovely, and this is when you truly become close to her.

you and her are basically in a relationship, just not officially. it's intangible. you guys live an hour away and at least until you're older you can't be together. but you guys are so obsessed with each other that you just have faith that one day you will be together and continue to talk digitally until then. this doesn't happen, as far as i know. oh, i forgot to mention, the reason you start plotting on hailey is because of aaron. you know you've had her added but you don't care about her until you see aaron talking to her. you kinda want to compete with him and prove to yourself that you're better than him so you make an effort to mean more to hailey than aaron does. when you lock in with hailey, things became clear. you realize how bad of a person you were during first semester and you truly understand what nicole meant when she said that aaron was a bad influence. you get it now. he tried to use hailey in a way so now you guys have beef and you seperate yourself from him. the next couple months are all the same in a way. you start to love basketball again, which causes you to decide to move to mesa high for the upcoming school year. up until april, things are smooth. this changes, however, when hailey "breaks up" with you. you guys fall out and stop talking, and because you're gonna be hung up on her, you desperately try to be someone your not. fortunately, this version of you is short-lived. you eventually realize that's just the way things go, but that doesn't make it much better. your heart will be so broken and it will hurt so much that you cry to your mother about it during a late night, something you thought you'd never do.

eventually though, things will be alright. you wrap up freshman year at heritage with good grades. oh and you're now like best friends with levi and rudy. lovely people. summer break starts, you attend basketball camp at mesa high, and you still think about hailey every once in a while. you actually write her a text 2 months after not talking, you chat for a tiny bit, and for fun you send her an 8 ball game. she doesn't respond. but it's okay. part of you didn't want her to respond in the first place. things are okay this way. the rest of summer break is chill, no stress whatsoever. you talked to annie from heritage for a while but you don't have any intention to take things anywhere. you're okay not being in a relationship right now. your summer break is about to end, and school will start up again. things will be different soon, but for now..

everything is as it should be.

[kvercetti]

found something i wrote to my younger self a year ago..

it reads-

hey kevin,

i hope you are enjoying your time on summer break. it's almost over, so you better make the most of it! you're already going into 4th grade, which means that your time in elementary is almost over. just 3 more years and you'll be going into middle school! i know it doesn't seem that close from now, but trust me, it's almost time. enjoy your time man. i say this with my whole heart. time goes by really fast.

4th grade is real fun. i don't want to say too much, but ms. tipton is one of the sweetest people you'll ever meet. lots of stuff happens this year, and i think it's gonna be one of your favorites. you'll meet some people i still talk to to this day. and you'll have so many fun experiences and will learn a lot about yourself and others. don't stress man, you're gonna love this year.

on a lighter note, i'm actually going into high school this year. 9th grade is a pretty big number if i'm being honest. i already got past junior high and everything. i'd love to tell you about it, but you're still young and i don't want to spoil all the fun about middle school. but anyways, really crazy stuff. imagine going to school with adults!

as time goes on, life gets realer and realer. the older you get, the more you think about things. things happen, and you have to make decisions that somewhat make a significant change to how you see things or how you live your life. but in all honesty, don't even stress about anything. many times you worry about things that i probably don't even remember about today.

i truly do enjoy this experience we call life. it has it's ups and downs, but that's the beauty of it. i'm excited for tomorrow, i unfortunately can't tell you why until maybe later this year, but it's gonna be a fun next few days. really looking forward to it.

i don't want to get too repetitive here, so i think this is where i'm going to say goodbye until maybe like next week or something. i'll try not to take too long, i promise. have fun, drink some arizona tea, and take care of your family.

with love, 

kevin gonzalez

p.s. here's a fun little song i enjoy at the time of writing this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BME88lS6aVY

[kvercetti]

40,526. before i deleted them, this was the number of text messages we had ever sent each other. at the time, i was desperately trying to move on as quickly as possible, which led me to delete most of if not every trace of you. i didn’t want to feel any attachment whatsoever anymore. 3 or so months later, i still believe i made the right decision. i’ve had 3 long (sometimes feeling really short) months to figure out who i am at my core. who i am when there’s no one by my side. who i am when i am in complete control of everything. at this point, i know i am on the right path to where i need to be in the future. and it wasn’t easy to get here. at first, i made an effort to change as much as possible in response to what i felt at the time. i listened to different music, i had different hobbies and pastimes, and overall i was honestly just living a lie. that wasn’t who i was at all and no matter how much i thought it was who i wanted to be it just could never be who i am. but, there is one thing i was certain i needed, and that was basketball. i moved schools, went to camp, and now i spend most of my time surrounded by basketball. i had always been a fan but i realized i wanted to be more than that. but anyways, that has nothing to do with what i was talking about.

now that’s it’s been a few weeks without you, i can reflect and think clearly. it’s july 15th, 2024 at 2:27am and i’ve spent part of this night figuring out what our situation was. i had the gift of remembering that every photo i had relating to you (and my entire camera roll from that time period) was backed up on google photos for whatever reason. i had known this for a while, but i obviously wanted to get over you so i deleted the google photos app and thought that one day i would want to see those photos again, but it wasn’t the time for that. well, now it is. i looked through pretty much everything and i found a lot of sweet stuff and a lot of silly stuff and some corny stuff to be honest but it was pleasant to look back. but, looking at those pictures led me to ponder. although it was good to see some messages of how things were, so many of them are contradicted by what you told me when we stopped talking. i saw a lot of screenshots of you saying that you would always be here no matter what and when i saw those for a second i thought to myself, “damn i really believed her” but then i realized that there wasn’t and still isn’t any reason not to believe the words you wrote in those messages. i’m sure that at the time that you wrote those you truly believed with all your heart that you only needed me and that you wanted to keep me by your side forever. but people change. those last couple days we talked you were changing. part of you was growing up. and instead of seeing us from a hazy, delusional perspective, you saw things from a more mature and realistic standpoint. i’m sure you put some thought into it, and you truly took in things that you already knew. we live an hour away, we live and will continue to live completely separate lives with completely separate people in them. we crossed paths once in a blue moon and it just wasn’t sustainable. there was nothing real to it. all we were was two people who sent digital messages to each other often enough to the point where it became a part of our lives. you “fell in love with me” over something intangible. and that’s truly what we were. intangible.

3 months later i understand. i believe that if i was in your position, i would have cut ties as well. there was no substance to whatever we were and it was just lackluster. i saw you twice, and looking back on it that was the stupidest thing ever. i don’t understand how i could supposedly be so attached to you but only be in your presence two times. it didn’t make sense and it shouldn’t have happened that way.

i’ve missed you a couple times but if i truly think about it i missed your messages more than i miss the physical you. i only got attached to the words but not the person writing them. i didn’t spend enough time with you in my actual life for there to be a strong bond. more than anything this was a lesson. everything happens for a reason and i have been fortunate enough to understand now.

but on a completely separate note, i hope you’re well. i still believe you are cool and i kinda wanted to talk to you again but at the same time i don’t even want you to read this, let alone respond to any of this. it just feels forbidden. i don’t really know who you are anymore and i don’t know how you feel about me at all. i assume you left me in the past and moved on with your life. i might send this i might not i don’t really know. if you don’t want anything to do with me don’t even bother to respond at all. i obviously don’t mind because part of me doesn’t want anything to do with you either and i kinda don’t want you in my life but i still think you’re too cool to just forget about. this also isn’t a request to keep communicating with you, just some thoughts i had that i wanted to get out. didn’t wanna end on bad terms yk.

p.s. i think some of my best writing comes from stuff i write to you; i become like a poet.

[kvercetti]

149

she's dead. well, at least the version of her that i once knew.

hurt so bad i cried to my momma about it im not gonna lie. first time that had ever happened. live and learn i guess. its so nostalgic now, but a distant, devastating sort of nostalgic. things were so different back then; if i was to tell myself during that time how things are now i genuinely wouldnt believe myself in the slightest. too much commitment makes you delusional.

she was the reason i did so well in english my second semester. we were so alike and honestly wrote to each other so many deep paragraphs throughout the months that at some point i realized that if she was so good at english class then i had all the potential to be as well.

there are things that i will forever associate with her no matter what. music, locations, phrases, photos, and even thoughts and ideas. with the right person, love has so much power, more than anything in the universe. love can shape you in any way. love has made me the person i am now.

at some point in my life i began to wonder if everybody thought as much as i did, if everybody was as conscious and self-aware and just as alive as i am. i still don't know. she's the only person i ever knew that was as conscious as i am. for a while it seemed like we were the only two people truly alive. it was our world. and its still hard to believe that that same person is still out there, still just as alive and conscious. if i was to ask me from that time period for advice, it would be simple. "youre overthinking this, just send her a message or call her and she will be there to talk. you know that she cares and that YOU matter to her." but now, im not so sure. the girl that i knew on the last days i talked to her was nothing like the girl that i had the pleasure of getting to know. shes dead. and i might just kill this version of me as well some day. kill the mind, it might make you feel joy and love but it also makes you feel pain and regret. or.. dont. you either stay as conscious as you are now and embrace every feeling that comes your way or you sacrifice the possibility of ever having a deep connection again with someone and you kill your feelings. its kind of a hard choice, isnt it?