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Reflection

September 24 2017

Dear Journal,

So far, this semester has been going well. We’ve been doing open-ended essays, which I enjoy. I like how everyone is able to take a different approach and write about the same topic while adding in their own perspective. Open-ended essays have always been my favorite, so I was excited to write. This prompt is different from high school because we were always assigned a certain outline we had to follow and we very rarely were allowed to use first person pronouns. Currently I feel like I’m not just writing for school to an extent. I wouldn’t be writing about some of these categories if they weren’t assigned, but the writing process has felt more free. Voting has been nice because everyone is able to put out what they want to do. Sometimes the one thats voted for isn’t what others want, but it helps them learn how to write in those situations.

For essay one, we wrote about growing up. I chose the events that circled around my dad because it’s easy for me to write about. The rough draft I did the night before, which I shouldn’t have, but it flowed nicely. Turning the draft into the final draft took a lot of revision. I went back and made some sentences stronger and added detail. Also, I completely changed the last few paragraphs.

The writing process from essay one to essay two has been quite different. Since it’s a group essay, we all have to make sure we’re putting in equal effort. We decided to assign everyone a part to research about, but not individually write about it. As of right now, we have an outline and only a few paragraphs done. We have all our materials and citations, so writing shouldn’t be too hard. The first draft is due on friday, so I’m writing a little each night so I don’t cram it all on thursday night. Since we’re all in a group, we can’t wait until last minute. How others in the group write, affects everyone.

In this class, I feel like I’ve worked on making stronger points and making things stand out more for the reader. The writings in the textbook have helped a little with giving me an idea on how to start writing and how to make things more enjoyable to read. I feel like my writing has mostly stayed the same, but improved and I feel more confident about it. Some things I’d like to do in the classroom is write about thinking and feeling and talk about topics more.

November 30 2017

Dear Journal,

Since the last entry, we’ve written essay 3 and vlogged essay 4. Class has still gone really well, which is cool. One day we took personality tests and I got “The Protagonist,” whereas when I took this test last year I got “The Campaigner.” The suggested careers that come along with “The Protagonist” included religious work, coaching, and counseling. All three are things I’m planning on doing. My major is psychology with a concentration in counseling and therapy, I’m hoping to work with mental health and help people cope with whatever they’re going through. I’m also highly involved with Younglife right now, which is a Christian based organization helping kids learn about Jesus and what they believe in. Second semester I’m starting leadership training, through this I’ll be able to go to Younglife at high schools to give talks and work with high schoolers-which could be considered religious work. Eventually I want to coach a club volleyball junior olympic team and coach a 16s team. Some more career paths mentioned are teaching, advising, HR administrating, event coordinating, and being a politician. It’s also mentioned how this personality would burn out quickly being in the military. This I know is a fact for myself being that my dad has been in war zones, which I wrote about in essay 1. I wouldn’t be able to survive emotionally. Overall, reading about our personalities was really cool and a nice break from writing essays.

Essay 3 I wrote about a controversial topic, legalizing medical marijuana. Since my dad has a lot of knowledge and experience with this, I thought I had a good insight on the topic. I was able to really describe events and emotions I experienced with my dad and how the marijuana helped him. I think I did a really good job with that, especially since I got comments from peers about how well written that part was. Finding medical research on this was hard though, since there’s not a ton of it. At the end I made a call to action, which I considered pretty powerful.

Essay 4 I vlogged a 24 hour challenge, well, it was more of an attempt. I watched Luke Korn’s video a while ago and he did a 24 hour challenge with learning guitar, so I thought it’d be cool and interesting to copy it. Going into this, I was very optimistic and excited to get started. Honestly, I didn’t even think about how long 24 hours really was. It didn’t hit me until I was actually 5 hours in. I went through learning new chords, trying out a learning app, and learning two songs. I quickly grew tired and when it got to nine hours, I was done. I did see some progress though, which was cool to watch. The editing process wasn’t ideal since I wanted to edit it on my laptop, but I don’t have any more storage. So, I used the imovie app on my phone, but personally I still think it turned out well. Looking back on it, I wish I would’ve chosen a different idea for a vlog, but at least now I know. From essay 3 to 4, it was a big transition. From writing to sitting behind a camera playing guitar. I thought it was interesting vlogging because it’s definitely something I didn’t expect to do coming into this class.

Overall I really enjoyed this class. My favorite essay to write would be the group essay, since it was something I was new to. Also, my group was super laid back yet hard working-through this I was able to make some friends in this class. I’m glad I took this class my first semester and would recommend it to everyone, including having this teacher.

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Do I Look Fat In These Jeans?

For this essay, it was written as a group. We decided to go with in the direction of body issues and images because it’s one of the biggest problems in todays society. Through this, we addressed multiple problems such as sizings in stores and the Victoria Secret Angel’s process. Overall I believe this essay was well written, but not the best. I think we get the point across, but it definitely isn't anything new someone already read.

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How beautiful would it be if we could just see souls instead of bodies? To see love and compassion instead of curves.--Write Like No One Is Reading 2 by Crystal Wood

“The secret for a booty like Beyonce” or “five moves for Michelle Obama arms”, are things that we see on magazines every day to catch a reader’s eye. These types of promotion that say “hey you could be just like this beautiful famous person if you do this”, are the reason that people in our world have so many problems accepting the body that they were born with. In today’s judgemental and harsh society, the idea of body image is universally different and will continue to lead to disappointment because body image issues start at a very young age, which can shape how children grow up, involving developing very low self esteem or even a disorder. Eating disorders and body image issues have increased throughout the years significantly. Through social media, magazines, t.v., and size charts it has created a false idea of what we are supposed to look like. Being more educated on how the average healthy person should appear versus photoshop and talking more about these issues, will help these our world promote self love and realistic body images. Therefore, people don’t just merely decide to hate their bodies, we teach them to.

As kids grow up, the pressure to look perfect dramatically increases. Children are aware of the expectations of looking a certain way starting at young ages. According to the article “Am I too fat to be a Princess” by Sharon Hayes and Stacey Tantleff-Dunn, “Nearly a third of children age 5 to 6 choose an ideal body size that is thinner than their current perceived size” (qtd. in Common Sense Media 15). Some of the causes behind all of this include environmental factors, celebrities, parents, coaches, friends, and more. Children can pick up on their surroundings, such as their parents saying negative things about their bodies. For example, a mother could be looking in the mirror trying clothes on and say, “I can’t wear this, it makes me look bigger,” or, “I look ugly in this.” This can lead their children to start asking the same things and see themselves in a more negative way. Another big influence can come from coaches. Some sports are very strict on diet and weight gain and loss, which can set new mindsets for the players and change the way they choose to nourish their bodies. For instance, wrestlers will starve themselves and fast just to be in a certain weight class for matches. Also, a lot of girls and boys think they have to look a certain way to fit in and for people to like them. The typical image for a girl includes being thin yet ‘thick,’meaning that they have a bigger butt with a slim waist, and boys are expected to have lean muscles and be super tall. Through all of this comes unhealthy behaviors. An organization, family doctor, wrote an article called “Body Image (Children and Teens)” and states that boys are more likely to suffer from depression whereas girls are more likely to experience anorexia. It can also lead to poor nutrition and a difficulty of learning, two things that are very important. Social media also plays a great factor in the way kids and teens think. Because of how rapid media has grown over the years, the pressure to be perfect has increased immensely.

Social media is a form of entertainment that keeps growing and growing. We are constantly on our Twitter and Facebook looking at perfect images of perfect people. Seeing celebrities and reality stars on our screens all day can have  a negative effect on our ideas of ourselves. An article called “How Social Media is a Toxic Mirror,” by Rachel Simmons explains that psychologists found evidence last year linking social media to body image concerns like dieting, body surveillance, a drive for thinness and self-objectification in adolescents. Simmons argues body image concerns are linked to social media because people have the tendency to compare themselves to other people. Social media allows people to use websites like facebook, snapchat, and instagram as a tool to compare themselves to others, and people who spend the most time commenting, posting, are the most vulnerable users on social media. People who did this on Facebook were more likely to link their self-worth to their looks. Interestingly, while girls report more body image disturbance and disordered eating than boys—studies have shown both can be equally damaged by social media” (Simmons). Self worth should not be based just on somebody’s looks. People have to judge their own worth based on their personality, morals, and character. Young women and men can damage their ideas of themselves because of social media. People also use social media as a tool to create better versions of themselves, because they want to look more like the people they are comparing themselves to. Simmons describes that teens “can cover up pimples, whiten teeth and even airbrush with the swipe of a finger, curating their own image to become prettier, thinner and hotter.” Teens want to put up their perfect versions of themselves because they want to feel validation from others and themselves. They compare themselves to their idea of a “perfect” person, because they want to become perfect. So, what can people like parents do to help teens with the struggle of body image? Simmons suggests that parents ask teens their opinion of the ways people modify their own appearance online: Why do people do it? What do they gain, and from whom? Simmons also states, “Sometimes just naming a feeling as normal can make a young adult feel less alone.” Talking about their struggles to a parent might be hard for a teen. Knowing how your teen feels about themselves will help parents be able to help their teens, and lead them to have a better view of their bodies.

Sometimes as humans we tend to stray away from the pure beauty of ourselves, our natural selves. In some cases, this could be more serious than others. Depending on how open you are with people will determine if you can come out and admit your faults or what faults you believe to have. There is an actual disorder called BDD, this stands for Body Dysmorphic Disorder, people with this can spend hours a day thinking about their flaws. They don’t typically mean to do it, but they can’t help but do. Surprisingly research from the “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” web page by Anxiety and Depression Association Of America, has shown that it affects men and women almost equally. For example, Anxiety and Depression Association Of America explains that BDD occurs in about 2.5% of males and 2.2% of females. The “Social Anxiety Disorder” webpage by Anxiety and Depression Association Of America suggests that other psychological disorders that are very common is social anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. One thing everyone deals with is a little bit of social anxiety because no one wants to be judged by their peers. In America, about 15 million adults have social anxiety disorder which usually occurs at the age of 13. Along with social anxiety comes depression and eating disorders, these two can almost come together hand and hand. Depression can occur from anything, but when it does occur, people tend to sink into a slump and feel as if nothing can please them. This impacts their outlook on themselves greatly. This is where an eating disorder could come into effect, if someone were depressed and not feeling the best about themselves they could steer away from eating not enough but also putting restrictions on the stuff they can and can't eat.This can then lead to issues deeper than the outside of their bodies.

Unfortunately, I, Emily, have witnessed the effects that an eating disorder can have on someone physically and emotionally. For a few years when I was younger, my mother was diagnosed with anorexia. Although I was so young, I recall multiple times in which I would be with my mother and all of sudden she would faint in the middle of doing something. After she would faint, my family would usually exclaim, “someone go get her some food!” and I never understood exactly why they always wanted her to eat after passing out. As I got older, I began to realize it was because my mother was depriving herself so intensely from food that her body would literally not be capable of functioning correctly and it would start shutting down completely until she put some food into her system. I also recall a time that I was in the car driving to dance class with her when out of nowhere, she pulled the car to the side of the road to take a break because she got so nauseous driving and thought she was going to pass out. This was likely due to the fact that she had no food in her system. As a kid, this was very hard to see, especially because I did not understand exactly what was going on, however, I knew something was wrong and that frightened me. No kid should ever have to see their mother whom they look up to, damage their bodies in such ways that can be life threatening to them. At the time, I am sure my mother was not thinking about how it was affecting me, but it truly did. To this day, I am worried that my mother will go back to her bad habits and develop anorexia again, however, she has now realized how serious it is and that her body is healthier when she feeds it the right nutritious foods. Despite having the knowledge of what is healthy for her body, my mother still has a few issues when it comes to body image. Although she does not intentionally mean it, there have been a few times where she has told me I look a little over weight or criticized what I ordered for dinner at a restaraunt. Because of this, it has made me question my beauty and whether or not I am good enough for my mother, but all in all, I know that this is just the effects of my mother’s past eating disorder and I know that I am at a healthy weight and am happy with my body. Pictured below are two pictures of my mother, Cynthia Flynn. The picture on the left is when my mom was struggling with anorexia. As you can see, her arms are very thin as well as her legs. Although my mom is only about 5’4, she had no muscle on her bones and was too skinny for her height. The picture on the right is my mom a few months ago looking much healthier because she has overcome her eating disorder and has realized what she needs to eat in order to be healthy. (pictures not shown due to platform).

A reason why eating disorders might form are because of stores like Abercrombie & Fitch. Over the years, Abercrombie & Fitch became a popular store that kids and teenagers liked to shop at. Although in an article “Abercrombie & Fitch Refuses To Make Clothes For Large Women,” Ashley Lutz exposes the fact that in 2013 Abercrombie wouldn’t sell XL or XXL for women and the largest pant size was a 10. They offered the sizes for men, but in  hopes to attract more of the “buff” athletes (Lutz). Parents and children didn’t seem to fully notice the toxicity of the store until 2006. Benoit Denizet-Lewis, an interviewer from the website Salon, decided to dig deeper into the Abercrombie world and talk to the CEO, Mike Jeffries. During the interview, Jeffries states, “We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong, and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.” He then goes on to say how the store will only hire attractive people to lure more customers in (Denizet-Lewis). Although this was a huge scandal, it’s not the only store that tends to be exclusive. In an article “Shunning Plus-Size Shoppers Is Key To Lululemon’s Strategy,” Kim Bhasin explains some of the bitter truths of the popular athletic store. Some of the employees from Lululemon have stated that they had to put all 2 digit sizes in the backroom, thrown under tables, or hidden in piles. The co-founder Chip Wilson even went on to blame the buyers for cloth deficiency, stating that their thighs are the reason their yoga pants wear faster and form holes near the inner thigh. A former employee expresses, “This treatment of larger clothes and customers reflects the culture that lululemon represents-one that falsely suggests skinniness is the paramount feature of health,” (Bhasin). With stores only selling smaller sizes, it makes customers more self conscious. Some even avoid walking into stores and prefer online shopping because they’re embarrassed.

Furthermore, If you have never left the country or done much traveling you probably haven’t been exposed to all of the different forms of measurements and different people. If you didn’t know, most countries use different forms of measurement when it comes to clothes, for example, in the U.S. a size 4 is converted into an 8 in the U.K. and that same size 4 is a 40 in Italy.  One thing that has to be kept in mind also is that in different areas of the world the average size of people changes drastically. According an article called “Average American Woman's Weight and Height,” by Adam Cloe PH.D./M.D, the average female in the US is approximately 5 feet 4 inches and 166.2 pounds,while in South Korea the average woman is 5 feet 2 inches tall and weighing 124.6 pounds. The tricky thing about finding an average size in the US is that there are many ethnic groups all intertwined within the country. Cloe explains that A non-Hispanic white woman weighs 165.4 pound while a non-Hispanic black woman weighs 187.9 pounds, but they both average out at the same height. Americans should not compare themselves to others, especially people from other countries, cultures, and backgrounds. Comparing your size to someone with a different lifestyle and living situation than you will only affect your body image negatively.

Moreover, the modeling industry does not accurately represent how sizes can vary in each country and different ethnicities. There are many serious issues that have to do with the modeling industry, more specifically there have been girls that have died because of their eating disorders during their modeling careers. For example, according to an article called "The Skinny of Fashion's Body Image Issue,” by Summer Rayne Oakes, Ana Carolina Reston, who was a brazilian model died at 21 years old weighing only 88 pounds. The cause of her death was clearly because of her serious eating disorders. Also, a Uruguayan model by the name of Luisel Ramos died at 22 years old from heart failure because of her anorexia nervosa during a fashion show (Oaks). Although these two women are sadly not enjoying life like the rest of us, they are only two models out of the billions that have probably died from an eating disorder as well. Furthermore, USA is the leading country for most deaths of eating disorders. After Ana and Luisel died tragically from their eating disorders, there have been laws set in place that do not allow individuals that are below the body mass index of 18.5 participate in modeling depending on height and weight. Summer Rayne Oakes also talks about the difference in the average woman’s weight and the average models weight: “Today, the average woman is 160 pounds and the typical model weighs 23 percent less (123 pounds).” This may not seem like a huge difference, however, for an average model (which is about 5’10), that weight barely makes the required body mass index of 18.5. Moreover, the average size of a model is 0-2, therefore, if a women is above these sizes, Oakes explains, that it lowers their chance of getting a modeling job by 80%, even though the average jean size of a women in 2017 is a 14 to a 16.

One specific industry that we truly think does not give a true perception on what the average woman looks like and most definitely damages the way the some girls and women look at themselves is Victoria’s Secret. Throughout the years with this company, our world has seen beautifully bronzed, ripped, tall, skinny women who seem to have the best lives ever, but there is a lot that goes on behind the curtains of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show every year. Specifically for the fashion show, girls have claimed that only 50 girls get to be in the show out of the hundreds that try out and each girl gets about two minutes to audition with a simple “hello” and the typical catwalk across a stage. So, it is clear that this company does not care who someone is at all, merely they just care about the way an individual’s body looks and if they can do the famous catwalk. Even after they do make the cut for the victoria’s secret fashion show, if their body changes, they must audition again. For example, model Angela Lindvall ate only spinach, chard and kale post pregnancy, to cut all that baby weight off rapidly. After the models have made the cut for the show they have as little as twelve weeks to prepare for the big angel show. Adriana Lima, who is an angel has a very strict diet that consists of protein shakes and vitamins, while drinking a gallon of water leading up to the show. Moreover, she cuts out all solid foods nine days before the show and does not drink water the day before in hopes of losing those “extra” pounds and her water weight as if she didn’t look skinny enough. Sadly, this is how models are trained to think and do to lose weight and look the best in pictures and video. Because models are told to do these certain things and go to such extreme measures to meet certain expectations, it can lead to many psychological disorders and especially very serious eating disorders.

When we think of models in the fashion industry one does not really think about plus size models. And when people think of their ideal body they usually think of a beautiful, tall, skinny model. An article called, “Plus-size models may boost body image,”on AFP RELAXNEWS  created a study comparing standard models to plus size models. Researchers from Durham University in the United Kingdom showed 100 women different pictures of models of all different body types. The study found that “The more images of thin models the subjects saw, the more they preferred thin bodies. However, women who habitually strongly preferred thin models were ‘significantly less keen’ on thinner body types after they'd been shown photos of plus-sized models”(AFP RELAXNEWS). These women assumed that they prefer to look like the thin models, but this study proves the exact opposite. I think these women prefer to look at the plus size models because they have more realistic and similar bodies to themselves. AFP RELAXNEWS also explains how exposure to the media by celebrities and models who are very skinny give women and young girls creates an unhealthy attitude about their bodies. Seeing models and celebrities with very different bodies from themselves, makes women feel bad about their own bodies. If more realistic models were shown throughout the fashion industry, women will feel better about their bodies. For example,  AFP RELAXNEWS discusses, "We see an average of 2,000 images a day in advertising alone, and most of these include bodies that are more slender than average.” The things that we see on ads are not realistic to the average person. If the fashion industry did more to diversify the models they hire, women will not feel like they have to change themselves or feel bad about their looks.

All in all, society has created a very unrealistic expectation as to how males and females should look. Because of this, many individuals have developed eating disorders as well as psychological disorders. Even at a young age we all our subjected to body image issues. Especially because children and teens are on social media more than any generation, people’s idea of body image has gotten even more unrealistic. Social media as well as the model industry has made an unrealistic view of what the average person should look, which causes a negative impact to people’s own view of their self worth. People who are more prone to body image issues are also more likely to develop an eating disorder. But what can be done to change people’s view of their bodies? We can start early. Parents of teenagers with body issues can ask why their teens feel the way they do. Talking about these issues will be the first step to stop body image issues. Also, parents can be more aware of what they say about their own image when around their children. Nowadays, there are clothing companies that have started to include plus size models to display a more realistic body image. Even some companies have stopped photoshopping out cellulite and stretch marks to promote body acceptance. Although there has been slight change, we believe there still needs more to be done because a few companies within the US does not impact the world as a whole and how we see body image globally.

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Works Cited

Bhasin, Kim. “Shunning Plus-Size Shoppers Is Key To Lululemon's Strategy, Insiders Say.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 31 July 2013, www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/31/lululemon-plus-size_n_3675605.html.

“Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, Aug. 2017, adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd.

Common Sense Media. “Children, Teens, Media, and Body Image.” Common Sense Media, 21 Jan. 2015, www.commonsensemedia.org/research/children-teens-media-and-body-image.

Flynn, Emily. The Transformation of My Mother  

Hale, Nicole. “9 Outrageous Fashion Scandals: From Abercrombie’s Fat-Shaming to Kathie Lee’s Sweatshops (Photos).” TheWrap, TheWrap, 18 Mar. 2015, www.thewrap.com/fashion-company-designer-scandals-photos/.

“International Clothing Sizes – Women.” Women's Clothing Sizes - International Conversion Charts and Size Charts, www.sizeguide.net/womens-clothing-sizes-international-conversion-chart.html.

Lutz, Ashley. “Abercrombie & Fitch Refuses To Make Clothes For Large Women.” Business Insider, Business Insider, 3 May 2013, www.businessinsider.com/abercrombie-wants-thin-customers-2013-5.

Marks, Hallie. “Fat Shaming or Smart Marketing? Why Lululemon (and Others) Don.” BUST, bust.com/general/10300-fat-shaming-or-smart-marketing-why-lululemon-and-others-dont-sell-plus-sizes.html.

Oakes, Summer Wayne. "The Skinny of Fashion's Body Image Issue." Huffington Post, Oath

   Incorporation, 21 July 2013, www.huffingtonpost.com/summer-rayne-oakes/

   the-skinny-of-fashions-body-image-issue_b_3308004.html.

Ph.D./M.D., Adam Cloe. “Average American Woman's Weight and Height.” LIVESTRONG.COM, Leaf Group, 18 July 2017, www.livestrong.com/article/357769-weight-height-for-the-average-american-woman/.

“Plus-Size Models May Boost Body Image: Study.” NY Daily News, 9 Nov. 2012,       www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/plus-size-models-boost-body-image-study-article-1.1199412. Accessed 4 October 2017.

Schlossberg, Mallory. “How Victoria's Secret Models Look so Good for the Fashion Show.” Business Insider, Business Insider, 26 Sept. 2015, www.businessinsider.com/how-victorias-secret-models-get-ready-for-fashion-show-2015-9.

Simmons, Rachel. “How Social Media Is a Toxic Mirror.” Time, Time, time.com/4459153/social-media-body-image/.

“Social Anxiety Disorder.” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder.

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Shooting Stars to You, Possible Rockets for Them

In this essay I talk about what it was like growing up while my dad was a medic in two different war zones. I mention his time spent in both Afghanistan and Iraq, along with the emotions I felt with him there. A lot of people can't relate to the things I heard about or had to experience through my dad, so I felt it was necessary to help show some of the things that go on. I think I did a good job on reminding the reader that the horrible stuff that goes on is in fact real and a worse than we think. Overall, I believe this was my best essay written from beginning to end. 

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Through discovery and experience, every person grows up differently and at varying times. Legally men and women in the United States are considered “adults” at the age of 18, but in the article “Study Says THIS Is The Age Where We Finally Feel Like Adults,” Christine Schoenwald explains while this is a true fact, it’s not how people feel. Studies from Beagle Street Life Insurance show that majority of people don’t feel grown up until they’re 29 years old. They asked participants on what events made them feel grown up and 64% said buying a home for the first time while others said getting married and becoming a parent (qtd. Schoenwald).

For me, it felt as if I had grown up starting in 7th grade. Typically 13 year olds feel as if they’re grown up due to the fact they’re in middle school going through new friendships and new phases in their lives, but they’re still immature and very far off from acting like an adult. Though I did not buy a house and most certainly did not become a parent, I did get news that would lead up to life changing events. October 11, 2011 my dad was to be deployed to Kandahar, Afghanistan. I knew there was a war going on, but I didn’t quite understand how it all worked.

My parents have been divorced since I was two and my dad eventually left Ohio. In the beginning of his journey, he was in the army and his base was located in Chicago, Illinois. Eventually he became a medic in the navy and moved all around the United States to places such as California and Washington. Even though he was thousands of miles away, we always made sure I’d see him throughout the year. Every time I went to visit, we tried something new and adventurous such as Great Wolf Lodge and camping in the mountains, but my favorite was always spending Christmas with him. This deployment would mean our first time missing Christmas together, which was the first thing that truly affected me.

I flew out one last time before he went, and all I can remember was crying at the Cheesecake Factory telling him how scared I was. All I knew about this war was that people sometimes didn’t make it out alive, but he reassured me he’d be safe and since he was a medic he’d rarely leave base. I trusted his word and continued my life the way I always did when I was home. He had internet, so we’d sometimes Facetime and he’d update his Facebook status a lot. Facebook wasn’t the best for me to read because while he was updating family and friends, I was still a kid who didn’t understand a lot. So seeing statuses that said things like “Deployment Irony: Seeing several shooting stars and everyone waits 6 seconds before exclaiming ‘Ohhh beautiful’ just to make sure they weren’t incoming rockets,” didn’t exactly make me feel at ease. He always assured me that the news made it look a lot worse than it was.

Everything was good for the first couple months, but then I started to notice something change. My mom would stay up late talking on the phone looking stressed out and a panic to turn off the television every time the news would come on. At that point there were less statuses and the Facetimes would always be cut short due to emergencies. Any time I’d ask if things were alright, the only response I would get was a “yes.” One day I was on Facebook scrolling through my feed and came across an old picture of a man with his shirt drenched in blood with cuts; I didn’t make the connection until I saw my dad’s name on the post. He went on a run outside base and came across a bunch of guys assaulting a woman, when they saw him they immediately attacked. They left him unconscious, thinking he was dead. One of the medic trucks eventually drove past and picked him up, taking him back to the hospital.

I confronted my mom about the post, and she was angry. It turns out my dad was still writing a bunch of posts, but setting it to where I couldn’t read them. My 13 year old self thought I was an adult and could handle all of this stuff, so I demanded them to always tell me the truth on what happens so I didn’t accidently find things out through social media. As soon as I made them promise, the world that I thought was harmless quickly became cruel. My dad would tell me about the things he saw and all the children that would come in. Kids would frequently come in from tragic events and the medics would name them. My dad named one “Baby Mohammid Murphy,” he had a shrapnel to the leg, a blown out shoulder, and a foreign body object in the chest. The injuries came from his uncle, whom they had to kill. My dad made a point in his post, “In America this kid would be screaming. The parents would be screaming. People running around. Chaos would be ensuing. We are spoiled. This is Afghanistan. The kids are stoic. The parents are nonexistent. And we, are calm, cool, and collected. We are fortunate.” After that I stopped asking for big things normal kids would, for Christmas I asked for nothing. For some reason hearing about the kids there really opened my eyes at a young age. I was confused on why things like this happened and why everyone couldn’t get along.

My dad was also a locally famous photographer in Seattle, he’d shoot for Steve Aoki, DJ Hyperfunk, Morgan Page, Krewella, and a lot more. So he ended up bringing his camera and basically documented his trip. He took pictures of everything from the missions he went on to the children, some of which made it into the Smithsonian. These were all uploaded to Facebook, most of which were devastating. They showed the bitter truth of the world I was being protected from. He told me more about the things that happened, some things I can never forget. One being that the terrorists would constantly use women and children. They’d put bombs on these little kids and force them to go over to our troops and set it off. What’s even worse is that if our troops see the kids that have the grenades on from a distance, they have to kill them. They’d have to point their gun and shoot, an image our troops can never forget.

March 28, 2012, I was sitting in my middle school gymnasium for a talent show audition. We watched a girl play piano for a couple minutes before our principal came up and announced the next act. The curtains pulled apart and the first thing I see are a couple moms taking pictures, so I was very confused. Then I was in complete disbelief, it was my dad standing on the stage. There were claps and tears from not only my family, but my classmates. I was beyond happy and couldn’t wait to have my dad back home safely. After his deployment, he was being released from the navy so he wouldn’t have to do anything like that again, or so I thought.

Everything was good and balanced again, I was eagerly starting my freshman year of highschool. When I went out for Christmas, my dad told me he was going to be a medic attached to the diplomatic support team at the embassy in Iraq. His role would be to provide close quarter and medical attention to any value target that came to the embassy. When no one of importance was at the embassy, he would be teaching the Iraqi special forces combat medicine. Naturally, I was angry. He just had a kid and he had me, I questioned his way of thinking. I spent 14 years of my life with him, but my brother Alex was only a couple months old. If something were to happen to my dad, my brother would grow up without him, and that was heart wrenching to me. I remember thinking how selfish he was to go back to a war zone because he didn’t feel “fulfilled.” But then I realized how I was the selfish one and that I had to support him no matter what.

Iraq wasn’t supposed to be as bad as Afghanistan and this time I had full contact with him. Even though I was a bit older and more understanding, there were things still hidden from me. My dad made me promise that I wouldn’t read or watch anything on the news while he was there. When I would check in with him, all he’d respond with was “It could be worse.” The good thing about this contract was that he’d be there for 3 months, and then he’d come home for 3 weeks, this process would repeat until the contract was over.

One day I was going over to my friend’s house before summer gym. My mom dropped me off, and I went inside to eat breakfast. I remember having a good conversation with my friend before my mom called me in tears telling me to come back outside. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, so I instantly began to panic. I watched as she pulled back into the driveway, handing me the phone. My heart sank as I heard the voice on the other end, it was my dad. He was in tears trying to explain what was going on, him and his crew were at an airport being surrounded-they were all told to call home and say their goodbyes. A million thoughts ran through my head as I fell to the ground with the phone still to my ear. “I’m not ready to say goodbye,” was the only full sentence I was able to make. He went on to say how proud of me he was and how he wanted me to continue on with my life and do everything I ever hoped and dreamed for. I thought about how he wouldn’t ever see me play another volleyball game, graduate high school, walk me down the aisle, or become a parent. He told me he had to call my grandma and grandpa yet, so I said my final goodbye and I love yous and he did the same.

I spent the next five hours not knowing if my dad was dead or alive. When I got home from summer gym, he was still surrounded but well. The men and women all waited for the attack to happen, but there was nothing. My dad thinks the terrorists were waiting for the “right time,” which if they wanted to attack they shouldn’t have waited. The next day Barack Obama sent troops out to help and almost everyone in the airport ended up safe. I got a call later that day and I have never felt so lucky; I don’t know what I would have done if the worst were to have happened.

My dad was in Iraq for a couple more months until he had to be sent home due to injury. He was on a mission to inspect a building for the embassy with his partner, and when they got to their assigned spot, they decided to split up. My dad went to one side while his partner went to the other. As my dad was walking in, an unseen terrorist threw a grenade. It was far enough that it didn’t injure him, but it knocked him unconscious. He awoke to two enemies dragging him away. Thankfully his partner came after him and took out the two guys, but not before they sliced through my dad’s bicep. After, he was transported to the nearest hospital to have surgery done so he wouldn’t have to have it amputated. He was sent home to continue these surgeries and rehabilitation. The doctors told him he wouldn’t be able to ever rock climb or do anything active with that arm again. When I went down to visit, I got to go to some of the operations. The cut was absolutely insane and you could see down to the bone, seeing that made it clear I could never be a nurse. Although the injury was gross and awful to look at, it wasn’t the worst part. Seeing my dad wake up from anaesthesia is something I will never be able to forget.

When he would wake up it wasn’t fully worn off, which made him think he was back in the warzones. He’d say “I tried to get him out, I really did” with “I’m sorry”s in between sobs. When he’d say things like this, the doctors had to explain to me that this was normal and that he always did this. I later found out he was talking about one of his best friends, Jason. They were together in Afghanistan and instantly bonded. One of their missions involved being in these huge trucks with bullet proof windows. Jason’s truck was attacked and caught on fire. My dad tried everything he could, but the doors wouldn’t unlock and he couldn’t break the windows. He had to watch his best friend burn into flames, something I could never imagine. Every time he woke up from anesthesia, he’d relive this moment. It was devastating and almost disturbing to watch. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. The doctors kept telling me to talk to him, but I didn’t know what to say and was scared. I’ve never seen my dad that much of a mess and be so vulnerable, I turned into stone. Eventually I was able to talk, and it helped snap my dad back into reality. He kept saying how thankful he was for me, even though I didn’t do anything but say hi.

Even though these stories never happened to me, they still shaped my life. Starting in 7th grade I became more mature in the way I thought, even with the little things. Instead of complaining about school, I’d say how grateful I was because a lot of kids don’t have the opportunity to go. It made me more compassionate and aware with not only my surroundings, but the world. Also it opened my eyes to the fact not everyone is kind hearted and good willed, which is why I started to have those characteristics even more so than I already did. Most of all, it makes me want to help. I want to learn how to be able to help others cope, help them get through things like this. Working with people who have PTSD and any other mental health is my goal, which is why I’m here-to become a counselor and therapist. What I want for my future has been determined through my dad’s experiences and how they impacted me. Though they weren’t the greatest memories and there were more than just a few tears shed, I’m glad to have found some good in the end.

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Works Cited

Murphy, Kyle. Personal Interview. 12 September 2017.

Schoenwald, Christine. “Study Says THIS Is The Age Where We Finally Feel Like Adults.”  

The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 29 Sept. 2015,

www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/study-says-this-is-the-ag_b_8217826.html. Accessed 11 Sept. 2017.