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[kyoto2000-blog]

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The song’s general meaning is a guy being with someone but he realizes that he doesn’t love her anymore.

I discovered this song a while ago. I immediately fell in love with it. It was so beautiful and I strongly related to it on a spiritual level. It reminded me of someone but I couldn’t find who.Then after a week, it hit me.

It was not about a person, but it was about my relationship between me and my body.

In the song, he repeats a lot “I don’t think that I can love you” and I immediately started to cry when I heard it. That was the way I felt about my body. I hated it. I hated the way my thighs looked, my arms...everything.

That’s basically how I diagnosed myself with body dismorphia. I could just not see how it really was. I had been told so many times that I wasn’t perfect or just good enough for anyone. I honestly lost count of how many times people hurt me by something they said about my body.

It was a burden, that I had to live with constantly. Every time I thought about my body, I would almost cry. Looking in the mirror was hard, as I could not see anything pleasing. That really broke me, and nobody comforted me. I felt that I was totally alone in this battle against me and this illness.

I felt lost. I had a long time accepting that it was becoming a problem in my life. I could no longer go to the pool, I couldn’t stop comparing myself to everyone around me. I couldn’t go shopping with my mom anymore because I would cry in the changing room and refuse to come out. Every time I tried on something that I liked, I hated the way it looked on me. And I kept thinking about how it was my body’s fault for not being perfect.

I was very strict with myself. I didn’t think I could truly be happy until I had the body I wanted.

My life was at this point was out of control. My self esteem didn’t look like anything. I was stressed about absolutely nothing. I felt like a piece of shit everyday. I even stopped wearing my favorite pair of jeans because I felt like I was too skinny in them.

It destroyed my trust, since I was so scared of getting attached to people and then getting hurt. I needed someone to comfort me. To tell me it’s okay, and they accepted me as I was.

I felt the need to get constant validation from others. My family didn’t know what I was going through. They just wouldn’t understand and take me seriously. They would just tell me that it’s in my head. I needed them to understand what I was going through and that I needed help.

I never realized until this point that this was becoming a big issue in my life and it was controlling it. I had trust issues. My social life and relationships got close to not going out at all except for school. I rejected a lot of people because I was scared of them not loving me for how I looked. I felt people around me hated me and were judging me constantly.

My disorder was blinding me.

But my confidence came back a little thanks to my spanish exchange student and my friends in Spain. She was skinny like me and had a lot of confidence. Her friends and family accepted me. They helped me, they kept telling me that I was beautiful. I spend 5 months feeling so happy and carefree.

But the moment I came back to my country, I immediately relapsed. I kind of suspected it. It really comes down to the environment you have growing up. The one that shapes you as a kid.

Now I am in a much more healthy environment, and I am very happy about my body. There are days where I still struggle a bit. Those days are the hardest. But I push myself harder and fight through it. I know I can do it.

I hope someone will relate to my story and realize that you can and will get trough it, even if it doesn’t feel like it.