kypossumlady

[kypossumlady]

Life has been so much more amazing. Tony has made a lot of changes and I have too. Still working on them. But it’s been quiet and calm and full of love.

We met a potential girlfriend. I’ve known her since college, and we’ve always had feelings for each other but never acted on them. We kept in semi touch over the years and talked but I hadn’t seen her for 10 years. She has a daughter who is absolutely amazing. She’s been talking to Tony and I for a few months now. They’ve been getting to know each other and it’s been amazing. We like the same shows, podcasts, jokes, foods, everything. We’re currently reading a book together in a series I’ve been reading.

Meeting in person was like we never stopped talking. The connection was instant. The sex was insane. Tony and her and I meshed so perfectly. I have so much love in my heart watching them talk and get to know each other more. Sex was insane, again. So electric and everything I imagined.

She’s perfection. Her relationships have always been full of stupid shit. She said she’s never been loved and appreciated at the same time. One or the other in each big relationship. But never both. I will spend my days spoiling her like I try to spoil Tony. We don’t know what the future holds but if she leaves to find anything else, she’ll know what a true loving partner should be. And that’s what makes me happiest.

She gave me a shirt of hers with her fave band. It smelled like her. I only wear it a little at a time. I want to avoid as much animal contamination. It’ll be covered in cat hair in no time. She made me a Spotify playlist. I haven’t made it through it yet, but I’ve def teared up a couple times already. I didn’t realize she had already made Tony one before they met, and he showed me today, and it was perfect. Great songs, fun, and gosh. She is amazing. So considerate and loving.

On the not fun note. I currently have a sinus infection, possible ear(s) infection, and an ovarian cyst that just won’t quit. There’s still some issues with my stomach but it hasn’t been bad so I think I’m gonna cancel my next test.

The craziest part is I’ve felt no negative feelings in the triad situation. I’ve always wanted someone that just fits. They want to grow and learn to improve their lives and wanna have a healthy lil happy life. The more we all get to know each other the more feelings we have. It all feels great. It makes my heart swell in every way.

[kypossumlady]

Feeling really good overall lately. Tony has done so much better on communicating and making effort. I have allowed myself to rest and have busy days.

No clue why my body is in pain or so sick randomly. All of the tests are normal, mostly. An ovarian cyst but the docs think it’s normal. I’ve lived with pain for so long that it just feels like the normal. It’s scary because I gaslight myself into believing it’s not really think if there’s no proof. But I feel it, so obviously it’s something.

I like my job overall. My boss Julie is an idiot and she’s so quick to say I did something wrong and not politely address it. I don’t care much if I’m being honest. It’s good pay and I get to be around amazing people. Plus 4 days a week makes it a little easier.

Were talking to someone. I knew them in college and had a major crush on them the entire time. It’s funny now because we were so afraid to even be close but we def had crushes. We would leave each other little gifts and notes. Were going to meet her soon. I’m nervous. It always seems too good to be true. The feels are there. The attraction. The dedication. But there’s something, it feels. Probably a trauma response. She’s gorgeous and we have a lot in common. She’s never been in a relationship that was truly full of love and attention and I think I can give that to her and more. Fingers are crossed

I feel like I’m never going to get caught up on bills. It feels so pointless sometimes. I’m not trying to live an extravagant life but I would like to be comfortable. 3/4 tank of gas, full kitchen, stocked on products to clean, animal food, and all the problems on my car fixed. I’m getting there.

[kypossumlady]

I don’t want it all the time, but sometimes I think how nice it would be to be coddled while sick. Just hanging out with me, holding me a little. Maybe since I’ve slept so much you’ve wanted to get stuff done. Makes sense. I just wish I had a little more. I’m feeling lonely overall but I won’t verbalize it

[kypossumlady]

I asked if you’d take a bath with me. Some of those intimate close moments right? You said fuck yeah, but when I went to take a bath, you just disappeared. I think the hardest part about all of this (besides the mental gymnastics of knowing your feelings are valid but trying to accept mine) is I feel as if I’m making the effort but I’m not getting anything back. Or anything consistently, at least.

I struggle with the sex stuff so much but I’m really trying to work on ignoring my brain and putting out what I want. I just feel like I keep hitting these walls and talking about it gets me nowhere. I just always end up dismissing it because the other person feels hurt.

Not to mention: the absolute discrepancy between group chats with potential partners and what I see on the daily lmao. Bragging about doing my nails, and that’s happened like, once. It was amazing, but it was just a thing. I’ve even asked for it more because I hate doing it but nope.

Pig hooves. Snake tanks. Anything I ask for help with. I even say “just stand with me. Please. It helps”.

This has been my whole life. I feel so much and think so much, and when people finally convince me to get it out, I’m just ignored. It’s such a repeat pattern.

It doesn’t feel valid to even complain about any of this because it’s truly the best relationship I’ve had. I’m just struggling with how to hold my wants.

[kypossumlady]

It’s difficult to discuss or even think because it makes me feel like a piece of shit but holy hell do I miss sex. What I have now is miles above my past life but it has dwindled so much. I could literally go every day all day. Not to mention, the types used to be so raunchy and fun and now it just feels like the same thing. I know I’m working through trauma in rejection sensitivity areas but it’s pretty difficult not to shut down if I don’t feel like my energy is being matched. Especially when it comes to arousal.

Idk. Just wanna be suspended from a tree for a few hours and maybe kiss a bunch idk

[kypossumlady]

I leave for a brief vaca in 2 days. I appreciate you doing chores (finally)

I’m a broken record when it comes to needing intimacy. It’s spoken about like it happens so much but it just doesn’t. Sometimes you do, but nights like tonight I just need that affection and closeness. I’ve asked before and I’ve initiated but then it flatlines. I have so much stupid love in my heart but I’m tired of giving it to people who only give 25% back. Idk if I’m too much or if no one is enough

[kypossumlady]

It’s hard when you’re in the best relationship of your life but still deal with selfish shit like this.

I’ve never left shit on someone’s side of the bed. But it sure got pushed over onto mine.

I would ignore this ten times over if I could get more touching. Holy shit do I miss making out. It’s a broken record here. I miss it all.

[kypossumlady]

Tony and I had a convo about the potential of me having PMDD. I hate having these convos with my partner. It always ends up my concerns being dismissed as my emotions or some shit

Tony mentioned that most of my convos happen the same time every month so obvi it could be something period based. But like. If it’s a repeat convo….lol

Isn’t the implication that it’s a legit concern?

I want someone to take care of me for a bit. I want to get the same energy back that I give. I feel like if I have these convos they go nowhere.

My shit always gets dismissed but I’ll say it here anyway. I want someone that touches me more. I want someone that kisses me all the time, and when I ask for more kisses, they don’t say, “well I do too”- they just do. They just give. I want someone that carries me when I’m a little tired. I want someone that will offer to do things for me and then actually do them.

[kypossumlady]

Also- when do I get time to recharge myself if I’m always doing shit for other people??

Oh you left work early because you had bad vertigo and bad mood swings? You’re full of anger? Still gotta keep going.

I guess this is how so many moms feel.

[kypossumlady]

My brain is so goddamn fucked. It’s such a cross of wires and I’m just so tired of not being able to just exist. I can’t stop thinking and overthinking and being anxious- even about shit that isn’t a big deal. But my brain sure knows how to make it one.

[kypossumlady]

I wish we would hang out together more. We used to. I guess that’s what happens. I miss the affection and the touching and all of it. It happens still, just in small pieces. A kiss a day, or so. I’d love to come home after work and just be with each other. I’m really missing that connection.

And I lost my fucking vape. What a Tuesday.

[kypossumlady]

Just to make sure I got this right.

You wanted to see me and spend time with me. But, you are outside and I am inside. I wanted you to stay, and you didn’t.

[kypossumlady]

T always feels the need to rush or comment “there’s always something to do” or “this is another set back”

He doesn’t want to take time to enjoy the little things with me. The little things are what get me through the mundane shit.

Drove back to the back field to saw a tree. Chainsaw wouldn’t start. T frustrated, rightfully. decided he had to go back to the barn to fix it. Said it was a waste of time. I didn’t think so. I thought it was nice to ride the tractor. The wind blew through the trees. It was really pretty and calm. I wanted to grab him and hug him but he doesn’t much care for it when he’s trying to do stuff.

I wish I had someone who matched my energy or happiness sometimes. The prospect of such negative shit for the rest of my life is really discouraging.

[kypossumlady]

I feel like I’m just aimlessly floating around. I feel out of place and kind of, empty I guess?

I wonder if I’ll ever be content fully. Hard to talk about it without feeling guilt for wanting more. Once I start trying to dissect it, I feel like I lose control of it and start creating scenarios in my head. But I think what I want is easy. I want to be appreciated and adored. I want to get what I give. Maybe that’s why I’m shutting down with Tony.

[kypossumlady]

Left the office job to do tour guiding full time. I’m nervous but the office job was killing my anxiety. I can’t stand all of that shit. The constant nitpicking when I am doing my job super well makes me wanna do nothing.

I don’t think we’re actively looking for anyone to date. I got really discouraged and the people we connected with were just not a good fit. Hard to stay positive about that.

Idk how to ask for intimacy. Tony is tired. I’ve asked already. Any conversation is defensive, but not intentionally. It hurts his feelings I think. He feels like he’s not enough. He is, I just want a few more things without me having to initiate.

[kypossumlady]

Idk how to tell if the problems I feel are legit or if I’m just being a shit ass. Like the affection thing. It’s hard to tell if I’m just too much and Tony is just enough or isn’t enough at all

[kypossumlady]

And!

I stopped planning stuff for the wedding and guess what the fuck happened?

Nothing. No mention of plans. We can’t afford to order anything. No push to do invitations or create a fb or anything. And I’m not initiating it. I know this is all so bratty but I started stuff and planning and he didn’t/hasn’t. Life is busy. I know.

I’m so conflicted on how to feel. I’m so let down lately but it’s hard to feel justified in that.