kyrodo

[kyrodo]

We've been spending a ot more time lately. He did reveal Kuro isn't quite as kind as he initially seemed. He makes crasher avatars to prank friends or people trolling in his group instances. Which Eshii heavily disagrees with, to the point he would get really made if he got hit by it. In other words Kuro is on some gray ground, and that's probably at least partly why he's started hanging out with me more. He is trying to cuddle with Icy, but I know he's still looking for a relationship. So I get a brief respite, but no matter what I do, as someone who also tends to fall in love easily, I know it's temporary. I love spending more time with him, but I want to cuddle with him more.

In any case one thing still stands, I'm the most comfortable longstanding company he has right now. Even if he manages to hit it off with Icy instead of Kuro, that won't change. As selfish as it sounds, it's what gives me hope right now. My soft exterior and availability, coupled with built-up interactions with him is the one strength I have.

[kyrodo]

I'm really torn up sometimes hearing Eshii always talking about Kuro. But it is hurting less. After talking about things, after letting him know what I've been going through and what I've been feeling, I feel a lot better. And rather selfishly I'm okay with the amount of downtime kuro gives him from running off to do something to streaming. In other words with the way things currently stand, Eshii will always have time for me. Perhaps not to do the things we were doing before, but at least hear to his voice and play games together, or even cuddle. Some nights he'll be with Kuro, and I'm okay with that now.

The key is no matter how close Eshii wants to be with Kuro, and no matter what it is they do away from me, I need to be ready to accept and embrace it. Not everybody we connect with is meaningful, but it's maintenance that determines that. It's making the choice to stay together with someone, even when our paths take a different direction. There are precious moments eshii will share with someone that I won't be there to witness or be a part of, and I am ready to accept that. I have a relationship. I have two in fact. The people that support me and the people that hated me once would point out the same things. I understand my situation, all that's left is for me to grow into it.

Furthermore, Shine and Lupy I want to maintain meetups with. Lupy because he very much might like me. Shine because he does like me and I remind him of himself. He's been through the same exact situation with someone else. He's lost a friend he wanted to remain close to because he let them drift away. And I'm not going to end up the same way with eshii.

[kyrodo]

I have things that eshii doesn't have. Patience, no high anxiety, being comfortable enough to make friends in vrchat without running away or giving up on the tiniest sign of resistance, or being unable to distinguish voices in crowds. I have a quiet stable relationship with two people despite what's been going on in the vrc side of things. Red has been warming up on me again.

Eshii clung to me like a baby koala when we first met, emotionally and socially, experiencing jealousy whenever Choskey pulled me away despite being my official relationship. He woke up and slept to match my sleep schedule and didn't go into vr unless I was in vr. He used to need me there just to be comfortable in social atmospheres. He was completely and utterly codependent on me. He'd lost all his friends and I was there for his recovery and he loved me for it, emotionally and physically.

He was so careful and so scared whenever he did anything that he felt was a mistake that he would drop the call suddenly if he got overwhelmed, in a game or due to going with me to a big instance.

Somewhere along the way, he lost that fear. He lost that panic of losing his friends, he's gradually reconnected to people and started regularly hopping into vr again. He's gaining his confidence again and a bit of perhaps healthy independence. He needs things that I alone can't provide from our secret encounters that were too few and far between for him. A real relationship and other people to also connect with. Progress to be made socially, trust to be built, things to share that haven't been shared yet. We've binged on each other and maxed out our friendship, I have been the most soothing presence he could have ever encountered for his anxiety. And that is the one thing I still have with him. I am his safe space and that's why he feels confident to be social again. In a sense meeting me is what rehabilitated the scared little fennec. My role changes for him from a lover to a supporter. And it's up to me to ensure what has given him the strength to be social again is maintained. It does mean some of the things we used to do won't happen anymore, but I won't fight that. I will have to reorient my emotions again, but that is okay.

[kyrodo]

Eshii was a lot sweeter to me today, though most likely cause icy's been busy/hard to reach. Either way, I did see kuro and that made it easier for me to accept them. He kept apologizing about not spending much time with me beyond unity stuff, kissed, thanked me for my help. I think my timed absence yesterday with lupy may have made him a bit lonely. I also saw yamiyo and surprise surprise we immediately start with an erp. Even after telling him we should find other ways to spend time with each other. It kinda went one ear out the other.

And then shine was extremely happy to have me there with his new group. Lupy has borderline started making out with me. Some social changes happened as a result of eshii pushing me away to make room for the possibility of an icy relationship. And even though eshii has relapsed on me again, the deed is done. Emotionally I've been on a high, with a combination of yamiyo shine and lupy making me realize how softly I would hit the ground if eshii let me drop from the high of loving him. I've felt warmth, like the endless void I perceived that was opening was quickly being filled up with my other friends. I still love eshii. I dread losing him, but I would be okay

[kyrodo]

I'm able to hide pain no matter how bad it gets because I care more about social maintenance than I do about how I feel. Something Red Choskey and Eshii have in common is they cannot hide their emotions at all. I can and I do. It just depends on where.

[kyrodo]

I am very sad

[kyrodo]

We went from having the most emotional moments together at furality still deeply in love to Icy sweeping him up yesterday and it hurts. But I can't say that it hurts. I have to keep it to myself pretend everything is ok and he can do whatever with whoever because at the end of the day I'm to be put down as easily as I was picked up. Because I have a place to be already. I have two. So I quite literally have no right to protest. Whatever wounds I get from whoever pulls my heartstrings is for me to nurse and heal and no one else. I give myself credit for how calm I was able to be while my insides were in pain but that's the price of being mature and friendly. So what's the plan, let it happen and die inside while acting like everything is fine. My time to be an emotional gremlin and be loudly butthurt has come and gone. This is why I cannot let my heart lean on somebody that's gone in 5 minutes.

[kyrodo]

While this is still along the lines of cred repair that so far nobody, at least anybody that is still able to interact with me needs. Showing I can handle the word no is what I read in a post today. And when I was throwing a fit like an overgrown moron I didn't show that at all, certainly not romantically. And that is another thing to put on my list of what I would do now vs what I did then. Handling rejection extremely poorly while also encouraging it, showing my anxiety, and being in a position or the other person being in a position where it puts someone in a difficult position if they act positively to what I want.

In other words being in relationships. It did not do wonders for me impression wise.

I absolutely love the fact that shine and icy and others have deeply enjoyed my company and love the fact that I exist in their lives but they don't know where I came from. I've told shine at one point, I've told Eshii, I've told Choskey the spark notes of what I experienced and how it came to be. But they did not experience or witness it. I am grateful that they haven't. That all the people I know now who love my company and join on me whenever they see me on did not see the fires from which I was born. I know so many people that look up to me and not a single one of them will ever truly understand how pitiful and unapproachable I used to be.

Today I always seem to know the most sensible things to say, the most sensible takes on everything, the most agreeable resolutions, the most extensive amounts of patience, etc. But I certainly did not start out this way. I had to suffer first. I give people immense amounts of respect whenever I tell them anything, because I know how it feels when people don't.

[kyrodo]

Think the only thing I share in common with v now is that we still adamantly compare literally everything that ever happens to one or two things we despise

[kyrodo]

Sometimes the bullets you dodge are made of gold. And that's who I am. That's who I choose to be. Every stupid thing i ever said doesn't feel so sfupid now. As pathetic as all this open self-talk might seem. I figured out boundaries, I figured out ways to present myself and interact, I figured out rules for myself. Any little thing that used to be a blank canvas from lack of experience, lack of care because I was always in a relationship, etc. That is all written down now. It's all painted and crystal clear. And I am never unsure of myself anymore.

[kyrodo]

I know there are things I can succeed at realistically and persevere, and there are things that I can't. I'm not like Eshii who quits at the first sign of resistance, in life and in games. I can be pretty stubborn to a fault sometimes in fact. But I know there are things I can push through. Like my avatar work. And I know there are things I can't push through like api coding and netcode. At least not without a crash course and all the resources to test and practice. In any case all the blender and art stuff I do now used to be impossible. It took steps to get here. Steps that I can't skip. So Skadoodle's project with connecting to x, fb, etc. that was beyond my scope. Doing literally anything on his project that I don't have any community information for whatsoever, also beyond my scope. It felt completely unfair. Because a lot of issues can be googled, or ai'd or whatever. But I couldn't for his project. I felt so encouraged and so proud of all my avatar stuff and solving any of his tasks was like scaling a mountain. It was a blow to morale. I couldn't use any of the experience that I came in with, because I do platformers, do game coding, I don't blackbox all my scripts and avoid using monobehavior like the plague. I never experienced such a heavily modular project because I didn't have to when I was working alone. All I needed to do was get things working. And I could reuse my tutorial learning when I was working on indie assault, I couldn't use anything I learned for him at all. I might as well have been working with machine code. I woulda understood it better.

Vrchat made me proud of all the things I learned about unity before it, skadoodle made all the holes in my experience feel like a endless abyss. I'm okay with just enjoying my progression towards building my own avvies and clothing.

[kyrodo]

Things are smoothing over between Choskey and Eshii. Being high anxiety I worry about eshii, but I'm happy he comes to me whenever he's scared or nervous. In an odd way very similar to how I used to rely heavily on Red. I still do, just not socially. Just for life things. Driving, handiwork, cooking, laundry, groceries, etc. After getting traumatized and going into vrchat, I am extremely comfortable. In a way that most people in my position would not have been able to cope so well with. The headstrong part of my tantrum behaviors never quite went away. Which is also what gives me confidence when pursuing art and technical ability with blender and unity. Which is also what allows me to face friends in vrchat so well in conversation.

I have these horrible experiences, I've faced deep levels and actions of hostility coupled with lies, framing, and gaslighting and survived, people can't even fathom what I've been through because I can't properly explain what happened, I can only describe the base details of it not the feelings not the malice not the deceptions and constant failures of trust, and all they see is a cute calming voice and a smile. I will protect Eshii in the same way Red has always protected me. I've yet to experience a single person who would ever treat me the same distrusting extremes Ronnie used to. Quite the opposite in fact. And every person that trusts me this deeply and this honestly is like spitting directly in your face. People used to not know shit about me, and they'd find all these extra ways to deal with me that I should never have had to experience. Today people rely on me. Literally everybody. And I find myself looking back wondering what the fuck you were doing.

I was nobody. The moment I erased all my history after getting embarassed by Kay shitting on me with reply tweets, I opened myself up for an easy target. And now I'm a somebody. And everybody loves and looks up to me. I no longer need to struggle just to convince somebody to treat me like a normal fucking person.

[kyrodo]

Choskey is excessively high maintenance. He always has been but it is even harder with Eshii equally wanting my time to himself. It is a little stressful but Choskey is definitely the one who doesn't always make sense. It isn't fun listening to all the loud noises in discord when he's at work or walking home. Or trying to match energy that is too high for me or forces me to act differently from how I feel to respond to it. More excited than I actually am about random things. And every time I think I've done well by him he's upset again. Every single day. Just from missing a message to be in a private channel with him. And it is concerning. But I have to maintain my relationship to him or I'll end up losing eshii too.

[kyrodo]

Eshii is extremely into me now, and trusts me enough to share things even I've kept to myself like nsfw art tastes. The cub thing was brought when I said some things can be appealing virtually rather than in practice. Which it just so happens a large majority of kinks are like that by nature. There are things that are hot without the desire to actually do it, same goes for vore, paws, macro etc. Red does have irl desires for some of his like inflation and feet. But eshii is into paws but not feet. There are purely artistic tastes and people can be prematurely hostile when all they see a potential risk and have no desire to understand what it actually means for that person.

He was very scared to share that with me and I assured him enough to have a second go with my paws. I offer stability, peace of mind, and patience. I learned do everything Ronnie can't and everything I failed to do under stress. Being the best thing that's ever happened to someone is just something I'm good at. Especially when I stick to my own charms and not my flawed perception of what other people find appealing like someone that's into scary things, illusions and strange occurrences. Being able to actually talk to someone in discord or vrchat means it's so much easier to be myself. Or show my whuffitude or cattitude, etc. It's a lot easier to get close to someone when I can actually show and apply myself fully. And I couldn't do any of that around Ronnie, just be scared anxious and upset because we wouldn't do anything we planned to do or figure out a boundary. I acted on full extremes all the time and wondered when I'd stop getting gaslit pretty much. Not that I gave a good reason to. I have completely consumed our experience to the point that all the mistakes, the most difficult ones to cope with on both sides no longer feel threatening. I understand my consequences. I understand the choices made as a result and why. While it is true I chose to close off completely after luke made one last attempt to open things up (or keep things going) after I favorited a particular comic, given the decisions made I do not regret completely closing things down. Trust could not be built where we left off.

There is definitely a science behind first impressions and I made a very horrible one when I was more inclined to act out with very little emotional control. Even if I turned out to not be as bad as the impression I gave off when I was prone to shouting out with walls of text. It's why I choose to start strong because maintaining a relationship has so far not been an issue for me at all. Stability and trust is what I value most. I know my strengths and I know where I failed. I know what behaviors I cannot repeat. I know what I can or can't do even when the situation is gray.

[kyrodo]

The reliability of expectations is part of what makes love long lasting. Despite how exciting, new, and mutually electrifying my love has been with Eshii, I've been making sure Choskey always feels loved as well. I am kinda stuck with him, and despite how silly he can be and how internalized a lot of his expectations are and things he gets upset by, despite how load he can be on his w alks on how mismatched our energy is vs his gremlin competitive one, I'm stuck with him. I'm stuck with Eshii as well. Finding time with two people who wish to completely monopolize me if they had the chance is difficult, and one of them likes being horny with me despite everything he said about being wholesome and demi. I've been the exception time and time again. I make him uncomfortably hard just by being affectionate with him. And I can get behind that. I've seen him get extremely needy so many times with me, and I love it. It's the first time anyone's done anything with me that actually got me off within the session rather than afterwards.

He's lost his reservations about it, though still deeply wishes he could spend every waking moment with me. Not too disimilar to choskey. My life is getting extremely complicated really fast. Which is unsettling. Stability is definitely the one thing I value most in a relationship above anything else. How much you want out of me. How much of me can't be replaced by hanging out with other people when I'm busy with commissions personal gaming or the other lover. In both cases hardly any of it >.> It is complicated. They get jealous of each other, neither of them are logical beings. Choskey is moreso, but he's like cattucino in the sense that he viscerally reacts to things he doesn't like, instinctively without any calculation on how much he should actually express it. And I guess red is like that too but he does it with a rather complicated deep thinking head on his shoulders. I hide a lot of my thoughts. I hide things so well people can't figure me out. I could be mad and you wouldn't know it. I could be extremely happy and you wouldn't know it. I have a filter.

And that is my greatest strength. My greatest strength above all is my ability to buffer what I express outside of me and what I keep inside. No matter what anyone says that level of discreetness is pivotal in maintaining good relations with people. Lovers included. No level of anger can't be hidden behind a smile. No level of shock or sadness. There are times to press on people about things that aren't ideal or that you don't agree with. But holding onto it for later let's you choose when or what isn't worth bringing up. Let's you cooldown, etc. Find your thoughts, pick apart feelings that are silly and worth locking away. That additional layer is what I like most about myself, and it is what keeps me connected to people.

The projected future is still uncertain. I can tell Eshii is riding a high like no other with our feelings we've chosen to share with each other despite my situation. And while in the long term it doesn't seem like such a good idea, I know for better for worse I can find a very strong friend in Eshii. And I deeply love him. How much he's into me. How much he wants to make me happy or make me feel good, etc. How much time he wants to spend with me over anyone else. I recognize it very strongly. How deeply he cares for me and the experiences he wishes to share with me romantically.

The social politics when dealing with polyamorous relationships is dangerous. And it is what gets people like ronnie upset. The actions I must take. Or the directions I must push to hopefully balance and stabilize things, or do the right thing, or do the wrong thing to be with someone when I shouldn't. It is such a dangerous area to stand in and there are times where there is no right answer. But I will not have a situation like Ronnie again. Even if it means following my heart instead of trying to cut our love short.

And with Eshii in particular, as someone with high anxiety and worries, I know for a fact there is no one else on the planet who could assure and share affection with him better than I can. I am one of the most patient people, especially when I know what to expect and what makes someone feel comfortable special and happy. I've spent years practicing social etiquette in my mind and on tumblr. I was traumatized to the point that I simulated every angle I could think of on social topics to avoid being problematic. To approach things in the best way possible on as many things as possible. I know what I'm talking about when I say anxiety falls in love with patience. When it gets to a point where we can't hide our feelings anymore, I'll eventually need to choose a time when I can properly introduce the way we've developed.

[kyrodo]

Twin soul. Eshii is very much like me in so many ways, but decidedly worse. With the way we handle stress and social engagement mainly as well as depression of course. I am better at handling and repressing negative emotions. But every time we have our talk I recognize a lot of the same behaviors, the same experiences, the same reactions to a lot of things. It's like if you mashed me together with my sister's quick temper, adhd, and ability to be overwhelmed. But yeah I think that's a good part of why I feel such a strong connection to him. We're the same class and archetype so to speak. All the way down to our recreational habits vs work. I just have a bit more armor when it comes to stress and I tend to withhold my impressions of things at least in direct lines of communication. Better self-image. And I found a trade.

[kyrodo]

Eshii is exactly like me. Like old me anyway. When I used to cling to Red really hard and any time away from him felt flat and painful and meaningless and boring. The only thing I ever looked forward to was more opportunities to see each other and spend time with each other, either fooling around in a hotel or hanging out with friends, watching a movie, literally anything made me happy.

And that's what I am to Eshii right now. To the point even just spending an hour away to let Choskey 1 on 1 me in a discord call upsets him. Because what I have with Choskey is what he wants. He is deeply in love with me. He is more turned on by me than anyone he's ever met and I don't even try to. Every way possible way physically and mentally he's in love with me. And in so many ways we are the same. The same creature. The same difficulties socially. The same habits recreationally and sleep wise. Just with a few parameter and circumstance differences. The anxiety, difficulties hearing, difficulties picking out and focusing sounds in a place with a lot of sounds. Getting overwhelmed easily. And having strong opinions and reactions to everything.

In my case I am a more perfected eshii. Better circumstances. Less difficulties, non physically anyway. I am highly logical. I try my damndest to repress initial reactions to things and keep a cool atmosphere in as many situations as possible. And I always try to prioritize logic over emotion. At least now. Not everyone can do what I do. Not everyone will see a reason to prioritize it as hard as I do. But I do it cause I like being on the good sides of people. I like being the one people look up to, I like being the one people see positive things in. And right now I have a lot, enough that I can't blame Eshii for falling for me as much as he has.

I am the center of attention in the way of introvert. Not like Azuki who's around a ton of people and has a lot of outward thoughts. But like myself. The calm and soothing entity everyone wants to be around, the one everyone finds pleasant to hang out with. The one with many talents himself at least in the vrchat realm. I have sensible opinions on a wide variety of things to boot. I am comfortable with where my journey social media wise has left me. To see so many people unanimously affirming me also spits directly in the face of how I used to be treated. When I was a nobody. When I didn't have enough friends to stand up for me or vouch for me when people try to isolate and frame me.

I had a major vulnerability that depended entirely on me being socially inept to be exploited. And since then I found my answer to it. I found a lot of support, the kind that would have kept me safe if I had it then.

Eshii's love is sweet, genuine, deep, meaningful, he is so precious and "pure". Not wholesomely, but pure in the sense that it is extremely tangible. There is no doubt at all about what he feels for me. To be the one person he has little to no anxiety around is proof of what I could have been. And a second chance to make the right choices in this type of romantic situation. Doing the right thing doesn't always mean doing the right thing on paper. That is what I learned from Ronnie.

A lot about love is expectation based. Trust. The wrong expectations can make things go sideways, but being reliable, being someone that you can feel all these things for without limits or regret is what makes love thrive.