l0stray

[l0stray]

i am both nothing and everything at the same time.

when i age i thought i will be making more realistic choices in life but i guess there are things that will never change. i still go on for things that makes my heart race.

wasting time is never a wasted time.

i tend to do things that people did not expect me to do. and yet in those times i found more about myself. i get a better view of who i am and the next possible step i will or need to take.

i thought i always have a plan. i thought always think things through but recalling the most satisfying days of my life are the actions i took carelessly.

i cannot say that every decision i make is right but every decision is me.

my mood switches. can’t i have days like that? pag sila pwede pag ako hindi pwede? they think they can act immaturely on their whims then if it is me i should be always on the go? can’t i feel uneasiness too? can’t i feel disappointment too? they always sees me as someone whose irritated and all. but why can’t they see the adjustments i am doing for them? no one cares for me. no one thinks of me. i am always on my own. that can’t be changed i guess. papa God can you make me feel better. cause it feels empty lately. i do not know what i am feeling. i do not know what i am doing. i do not know what to look forward. everything is blurry and nonsense. i feel like nothing matters anymore. it feels like i do not want to care anymore.

[l0stray]

TYPHOON

i am not afraid of the heavy rain

or the booming thunder

i am not afraid of the flashing flood

nor the raging lightning

i am not afraid of the cold night

as the whirring wind swoops the streets

i am not afraid of the grumbling stomach

or the aching bones

i am not worried of the shaky walls

or the barely holding roof

i am not afraid of the darkness

or the uncertainty of tomorrow.

in these nights

in these rains

in these wind

in these storm

i thank God i have HOME

i am safe

and i wish to give this comfort to all

[l0stray]

Things I Want vs. I Need

Have you ever compared your feelings toward things you wanted and things you needed? I thought being genuine and authentic can always make the line between one wants and need - gray. It’s a bliss if we can always have the things we wanted the same way to the things we needed. I have the privilege of having both worlds and enjoyed it for quite a while. I felt invincible and that made me proud. Until one day, I found myself in crossroads between what I want and what I need. I must choose the need. I thought I also wanted that ‘need’ for so long until I see myself reflecting and understanding the difference.

The butterflies in my stomach is not there. The twinkle in my eyes when I smile seems shorthanded. I cannot boast about it. I am weary when I have to use it. I am not sad but not fully happy about it. I just needed to get it. But I do not want it.

It’s been so long since I’ve got myself something I need and not really want it. And in that moment of realization, I treasured all the times I’ve got to do and get the things I wanted and the privilege of being able to do so.

Hope you could get something you want today. 🙂

[l0stray]

Things I Learned From Dating App

Age does tricks on person. It makes you try things you never knew you would do in your wildest dreams. One that came my way is using dating app. Cause why not? But I never knew it would take more than guts and will to use it. Here are some of the things I learned in a month trial.

1. You should be ready to meet up.

People in the platform are ready to enter the gf/bf stage if not tie the knot. If they swipe right, they always want to have coffee or hang out. You lose a lot of chance if you are too busy, too far or always hesitating. The dating world become instant. You should catch up.

2. Not all chatty are serious.

It flutters the heart if you see many people interested in you. There are cute guys that seems “woah, he swiped right?” but there are… “not the style i am looking for” but it could break your heart when someone you swiped right seems to be the “icing” of your cupcake only to be left “unmatched” in the end. hahaha. yeah, it’s both irritating and humiliatimg to be ghosted in the dating app but you should get over it. Not everyone who gives you attention has the INTENTION. move on girl.

3. FRIDAY night is a busy night.

Yeah, you’re right. The app is busy at Friday night. People tend to swipe more to right and pays a lot more attention to chat for the night out. Cause why not? You can easily hangout with friends and meet up casually. To know if you’ve got it right. Too bad, i do not have the pleasure for the fun night at that.

4. It is Emotionally and Intellectually tiring.

At first, it will give you the hope of “this might work” until you’ve seen yourself talking to a number of random people with empty conversations. Now that is emotionally tiring. You keep your hopes up and then you’re down with expectations set too high. You thought one day, “i might be in a relationship in a day or two” but may end up talking to yourself “why did I start this thing again?”. The smart ones are a different story. Random topics are scary. There are political, historical and a lot more. Ms. General Knowledge self should be ready. Even if you did not want to make big impression, you might end up proving yourself TO YOURSELF at that. Competitive self drained some of my energy. Truly, dating is hard if juggled with working.

5. Understanding that IT might not be your answer.

Here’s the deal. after using it in a month, I’ve been in a roller coaster. All happy and jolly and expectorant at first. Then sullen, frustrated and tired in the middle. Suddenly getting high, forgiving, maximizing. Until you get peace, stable and relaxed. Understanding what you’ve got yourself into. Knowing how prepared you are in what you’ve entered. Allowing yourself some slack for not getting the results you’ve wanted. Up until knowing better how you should approach life, a little better than before.

You see, dating apps makes life easier. A platform that gathers people who wanted to meet new people that might be their future constant. It worked for others. It did not worked for me. Or should i say “for now”. All i can say is even if you took the traditional approach or the modern approach, dating is not easy. It will take emotional, intellectual and other aspect of readiness to enter. You should be really willing to do it and not enter it half heartedly. So for now, I will slack off a little more and enjoy the pleasures of singleness. Cheers for those who are still trying and learning in this life. There no one right answer. We just go for it and have fun.

[l0stray]

“Kumain ka na?”

“Kain na.”

there are days that you hear it often.

and there are days when you wish to hear them for once.

they may not sound like “i love you”.

definitely not close to “i care”.

it may come from a stranger.

sometimes to people around us.

more often from our loved ones.

it does come naturally.

too natural to give depth and meaning.

too natural it became our way of living.

too natural you’ll miss it hearing.

it may come with emotions.

like a pause in a busy working afternoon.

or an alarm in early morning.

could be a diversion in heavy evening.

and a tickle in lazy mid-day.

for whatever reason and emotion it may come.

let it fill all the empty tummies.

and even the searching hearts.

quenching all loneliness in earth.

and embracing new hopes for the world.

people, KAIN NA. :)

[l0stray]

understanding is a difficult course. sometimes you try to be quiet to listen more. there are times you wanted to speak so you can explain more. but whichever part you take does not necessarily mean you are meant to be understand. even with speaking and being silent, timing matters so you’re not misunderstood. because people are difficult being. that makes understanding to be even more difficult.

being able to listen does not mean you are being comsiderate. sometimes it appears to belittle the other. sometimes it appears you know nothing of the matter. sometimes it appears that you fo not care at all.

but being able to speak does not guarantee your success. sometimes you appear bossy. sometimes you appear all-knowing. sometimes it appear you do not want to lose.

when understanding is not about winning nor losing. when it is far more difficult than being heard by not saying anything or saying all at once, all of it becomes nothing if you lose the proper timing.

and timing is the biggest curse. cause the beat. the tempo. the signal. it always changes. always.

so of you lose the timing or if you are lucky with the phasing, i just hope you are understood. because it makes this terrible life a lot more easier to live when you are understood.

[l0stray]

Tone of the message. How important or how irrelevant could it be?

In a room full of people filled with their own opinions on things and that; how important the tone would be?

Being a person with lot of passion and less of power, we tend to focus on less to appreciate more . But to people with authority, it may sound complacent and safe.

Then it comes back on how we wanted to be understood. And understood means being listened to not only being heard.

Leadership have different styles. One may get it through iron clad claws and some with feather-like ways. Either way if it works that could have justified the means.

In leading, being flexible is a must. You may need to portray different characters. The power is your hands but you can only impose so much with threats and rewards. Management principles have evolved so much because people adapt and respond fast with norms and changes. Thus leadership should catch up with its phase.

If thunder voice become noise to people, you might need to change the tone and make it easier for the ears to be heard. And with the right words and approach you may see results not imposed but given. The goal is for the message to be received to have proper feedback.

Traditional leadership is challenging to combat especially with the hopes of meeting halfway with new ideals of youth that has been proven to be helpful in organizations. But youth must toughen up not to battle the old but to allow the new jive with the norm. The place where the old and new meets is far long journey than what we may expect.

Argument must end with understanding and not with winning. How hard or easy it is, no one really knows. But we must endure. Until the day we need not to be bother if we use the loud or soft tones. Only with the messages we wanted to convey to each other.

[l0stray]

Missed Opportunities

In life, we were given unsurmountable time to choose. And in those choices we could say “YES”, “NO” or even be INDIFFERENT about it.

Before pandemic we have taken these opportunities granted and did not take it fully in our heart the choices we make. Especially when the decision we have to create gives us the option to gain greater benefits in our life.

When we say benefits, we tend to focus our view in the immediate gratification this competitive world have imposed on us. And it is neither right or wrong. The true essence lies on the person who made the decision.

Living in this fast phased life requires youngsters to be highly abled individuals. It has imposed the idealistic realm that one should be talented, intelligent and charismatic at the same time. Proof of these should be quantifiable for it to be considered and justified. One’s salary, position in the company, number of followers and the like. All these to show our significance in this planet.

As young adults, we tried our best to balance these requirement of being competitively able by making sure that our status is in accordance to what the society wants. Our colleagues become our friends and our interests revolves in the world that corresponds to the proof of our significance backed up by quantifiable results (salary, position and followers). And most of us are crushed in an instant if we lose these evidences or quite diminished unexpectedly. We are letting these quantification dictate our value in this world.

You are not as great as a manager by 30. You are not successful without savings of whatever digits. You are only brains and nothing more without social life. We let these measures of significance rule our life.

There is theoretical basis on why we need metrics and no one is arguing with that. But knowing our real purpose should not be bounded by these ideals. It is not an excuse to not let yourself set your own rules and aim for the goal that is lesser than the others because VALUE of matters depends on people.

We tend to miss out events with friends and everytime we say NO it gets harder to say YES. One disappearance make it difficult for the comeback. Adapting the mutiplier effect in social essence, the more you missed gathering the harder it is for you to show up on events. Reasons could be being unable to keep up with stories, breaking the momentum of fondness, level of acceptance and all. We are then forced to limit our world with those who are near us; colleagues, office mates, suppliers and all. In a glimpse we then see our lives as business transaction and see life according to the monetary standards or status hierarchy of what our career wants us to have. And it is neither wrong or right. But what essence of life can we actually get from it? Does it really have to align on the criterion of the society we belong in? Is this kind of belongingness is the type we really need? Does this really define our purpose?

[l0stray]

What’s good about drinking? The hang over is just a curse. The headache, upset stomach, the pain in your throat due to unnumbered throw ups.

What’s good about drinking? The bitter taste of alcohol. The loss of zeros in your account or the added zeros in your credit. The unforgettable drunken stories.

What’s bad about drinking? The time you spent together. The laughter that roared in the middle of the night. The nonsense stories you made up. The groufies you posted.

What’s bad about drinking? The break from the demands of work. The gap between the worries. The silence in the chaos of life. The chance for liberation.

What is in drinking? Maybe nothing. Maybe more. Maybe it is just a can and whatever you can made out if.

[l0stray]

i used to wonder why writers show the lead girl crying over the second lead guy who is usually a long time friend who have been with her through ups and downs when she turns him down.

i used to wonder why the lead girl will try to have relationship to the second lead guy who is nice and everything perfect except that she does not have the same butteflies in her stomach whenever the lead guy is around her.

i used to think that is hypocritical and does not fit on how it should happen in real life. why try when you know in the beginning she will just hirt the second lead for not having that intense feelings.

but then, i found myself in tears, finding that same second lead guy, the long friend whose been in her ups and downs, that guy who confessed his feelings for the lead girl because that lead girl may do the same choice those writers have written. not because she is hypocritical but because she thinks maybe, just maybe good guys can win.

she is now thinking that it may not be the butterflies in the stomach. it may not be the rush of excitement. but maybe, it is the calmness of being together, it is being understood without words and the sincerity of his feelings that gave him the chance.

or maybe it is the other way around. a chance for the lead girl to choose the kind of love and care she deserves because someone is willing to take care of her. thay maybe she could also do the same to the second lead. give him care and soon love if only given a chance.

maybe we girls need the good guy over the guys who will never understand how fragile we can be. because stories can be exciting but real life is up to us to discover. it might be a different story where the lesson was learning it wasn’t about the lead guy winning but people winning over the bliss of the love stories we heard and read.

and maybe the tears i just had is the same wish to that lead girl for not giving the second lead that tragic ending of being not chosen until the end. because he is too good to be taken advantage of just for the lead girl’s hope for a chance of plot twist. of a love reality other than another love story written by some other writer’s masterpiece.