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so damn on point

Me: star signs are pointless. You can’t just categorise personalities like that

Also me: I’m a Gryffindor

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PERFECT EXIT

October 19/21 2017

Who would have thought that the memory you have buried in the deepest part of your memory will surface again after experiencing the same encounter? But this time, it is more meaningful and although you don’t have any plan to repeat it, you still did your best to make it appear beautiful. It is a memory. It supposed to have stayed as a memory but it happened again.

You were not drunk nor sad. You were only needy at that time. You were yearning for something you cannot explain. Fortunately, you found it at that time. A hug and a gentle touch. You liked the feeling that you were touched as if you are the most fragile thing in the world. And you know very much that you are.

You are not selfish. You also feel the same negative feeling that's lurking inside that person’s heart. It was heavy so you did your best to reciprocate the same touches that you are receiving. You were brave enough to risk another shot and you have convinced yourself that you won’t regret anything after. You are not sorry.

It was the most beautiful feeling in the world. The most beautiful part of that night was when you and that person lay next to each other while hugging and planting little kisses on each other’s face. You were not willing to let go of that moment but the dawn was approaching to wake up the souls who are dancing in the dark.

That time, you felt complete. You were about to cry because you were begging the time to stop and let you cherish the hugs, kisses, and touches. You were hurting and so is that person.

You can hear your hearts beating very fast because the night gave you complete silence. Enough silence to hear each other’s little whispers and small laughter.

The morning came and the unmade bed was left alone. It looked like a chaos but the source of its chaotic image is the conflicting beauty that shared the same abstract art canvas.

You need to leave physically and emotionally whatever that thing that you have inside that made you float.

You started the morning wearing the same ambiguous expression on your face. You eventually realized that it was a mutual understanding that both of you have. You are exploiting each other’s suppressed emotions to escape. You were both the exit signs of each other.

And now, you are worrying that you may not be able to leave the enigma of your existence anymore because that exit might just disappear anytime.

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STRANGE HAPPINESS

September 22, 2017

“Everything just becomes so clear to me when everything starts to cloud up.”

It was a strange thing that happened to me and I will never forget the feeling of having held a hand of another person after so many years. It was all that I needed and I was so happy at that moment that I wanted time just to freeze or if it cannot freeze, I want that moment to be repeated all over again just so that I can feel that happiness that I have been struggling to define and find.

The stranger that I once knew as someone as miserable as me is finally happy while here I am still venturing through the darkness without a hand to hold.

I am so good at turning people away from me and I never had the talent and skills to convince them to stay. I am so good at it that I never thought I am a natural and I keep on repeating the same thing that I do over and over again.

I once dreamt of running in the fields, wearing a white dress while the sun is softly caressing my cheeks through its gentle rays. I was smiling and I am free. I was alone in that field but I was so happy.

I don’t know what that dream might symbolize but I have a theory. Maybe I have accepted that I will be alone and I can finally find the happiness inside me in the end. I don’t think that that is the most plausible idea but I would really like to convince myself with that notion.  It’s good because, in that dream, I am genuinely happy. The loneliness that I have been carrying over my shoulder was finally unloaded and forgotten.

I never thought that a single stranger can actually affect my thoughts and make me write a thing about my feelings.

Last night, I cut my wrist. I was so down because the only person wherein I can relate my depression and aloneness to is finally happy. I wanted to bleed to feel that I am alive.

I feed on others’ suffering and I did that to that person. It is very selfish of me to ask the world to weep with me but that is the only possible thing that I think that might help me to ease the chaos that I have been experiencing inside me for so many years.

Maybe I will always arrive at the same conclusion that genuine happiness cannot possibly happen to me.  That it is a superficial thing. Unreachable and impossible.

I am crazy, yes. Insane in fact. When will I become happy again? Maybe after meeting another same type of stranger. Or maybe after the removal of these toxic thoughts inside my head. I don’t know. For now, I know that I am not okay and I will never be okay.

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An Open Letter to Whoever Will Be My Girlfriend in The Future

Written by: Nerjeffeinated

 I won’t let you feel alone. Even if I am not with you, I am going to make you feel like I am just around. I won’t text or call you every single time just to fulfill this promise because I have my own ways of reminding you that I am always here for you. You won’t expect it but I am more concerned with the process on how to remind you than on the concrete and tangible things that you will really expect from a person who tries to remind you that she is really around.

I know that you will be one of those girls that are ambiguous in nature and I am ready to understand you because I just know how much I love to love a girl who is ambiguous. I just want to point out that I like difficult persons because it’s easier for me to understand them. You won’t have a hard time making me understand. However, just so you know, I am a difficult person as well. I won’t hope that you’ll understand me as much as I understand you because I genuinely know how difficult I can be that I can’t understand myself either. I am not saying that I love you because you are a difficult person. Believe me, I see the most beautiful girl even if she is covered with an enigmatic façade. That special person is you.

Don’t expect me to be strong all the time because I may look like it but I have a heart of a brittle brick. I am not giving you the responsibility to be strong for me. I am just saying that let us be strong together. Let us be both brittle bricks that will stand the test of storms and time. Even if we crumble to pieces and be powdered all over again, let us give ourselves a chance to rebuild ourselves together, not to be the same perfectly crafted brick but more like an imperfect but stronger creations of circumstances.

Let’s get concrete on this part of the letter. I will let you wear whatever you want as long as you are comfortable. If you are going to wear the largest shirt in your closet and you pair it with your super shorts, so be it. It’s your body and I will respect it and your decisions. Just don’t hurt or stress yourself so much in impressing others, particularly me. Yes, I am among “others”. It’s just that I chose to be a different kind of “other” but still, I am one of them.

I won’t let you eat whatever you want. I will be very strict on your diet. Don’t be alarmed, I am not some veggie-fan or calorie-calculator. I am just concerned about your well-being. There will be times that you will be sick and it would kill me to see you just lying on the bed and doing nothing because I know how much you like to spend your time on a nice and peaceful place or on the comfort of a sofa inside a coffee shop. No, I won’t last a day just thinking that you are sick.

I know how much you want a fair discussion in terms of making decisions. Don’t worry, I am not in control nor you. We will encode our story together. No one is in power. No one is subordinate to the other. Well, unless you want to.

I won’t carry your heavy baggage or books all the time. I also have mine to carry. However, let it be known that I would definitely help you carry your burdens in life regardless of their weight. I’ll cry with you and definitely cheer with you.

I love books. It would be really fun to discuss books with you if you happen to be a bookworm as well. If you’re not, I like movies. More specifically, interpreting the stories.

Lastly, I would like to emphasize that I easily get jealous, paranoid, and overthinking is one of my specialties. Not just that, these three things tend to collaborate at the same time almost most of the time so please bear with me. If you specialize with these three things also, well, you are the most beautiful girl who gets jealous, paranoid and overthinks at the same time.

I love you. Chan rak gun.

P.S I love Thailand so much. Let us go there sometime soon.

 Yours truly,

N. M.

 l

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HERS

04/11/17

By

Nerjeffeinated

I want to tell you how beautiful you are but I can’t.

I’ll just appreciate you in silence.

It breaks me how this should stay buried.

The unspoken sentiments of a longing heart need to stay unspoken.

I want you to know how you make my chaotic mind seem orderly.

I don’t want to go home not telling you anything beautiful because you deserve to hear things like that.

I don’t want you to look away when I say goodbye because I want your image to be the last thing I’ll appreciate.

I remembered the day when I held those soft hands for a while. It was a moment that made me float.

I don’t want to let go of your hand but I am conscious enough that it was awkward.

It was awkward enough that I held a different meaning than just a casual gesture of a friend.

It was selfish of me that I enjoyed that while you don’t know.

My heart stops. It doesn’t race. I can’t feel a thing when you are near me.

You confuse me in a beautiful way possible.

You make my head spin out of happiness.

If religion is the opium of the masses, you are the opium of my painful existence.

I can’t dance well but these mixed feelings I have really synchronize to tell me that you have choreographed the beating of my heart.

I realized just now how much I appreciate you.

I didn’t see this coming but all this time, the unlabeled feeling that I have toward you was getting more complicated yet more powerful.

You are so sweet that it hurts. I want you to repel me.

I tried sharing this feeling with another friend but the only feedback I got was “Ew.”.

I know how much this sounds so wrong since the society made us think this way.

It’s alright. I am in love with the wrong feeling then.

I’ll admit it because you are too beautiful to deny.

I fought this. Believe me. But every war should end and I ended up winning the truth.

The truth that the more I repress this feeling, the more that it will poison me.

Therefore, I’ll just recognize it and let it fill me. After all, happiness comes with a price.

You are beautiful and I appreciate you. I appreciate you for a reason that’s unclear and ambiguous.

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How I wish they would understand me. But it is like asking the rain to pour during a smoldering summer.

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24-inch Probability of Eternal Sleep A Diary Entry

March 16, 2017

Today, I almost died. A bullet fast motorcycle zoomed out of nowhere past me and there is only approximately 24-inch distance between me and that vehicle. I didn’t expect it coming because it came rushing exactly at the same time when I got down from the jeepney and I was about to cross the street. I didn’t react. My heart didn’t race.  I just neglected what happened just like how I don’t mind if the sky is blue or partially gray. I kept walking like a normal student missing my pillows after a long day of academic struggle and personal conundrums. The circumstance wants to kill me but ended up almost changing its mind so it put 24 inches of probability of death in order to insert a twist to my bland existence. For a moment, my life became a question and circumstance decided for it to be a joke. It was fun though. I were to watch the rewind that happening, I may laugh at it. How pathetic is that girl if she ended up dying with all the burdens clinging on her shoulder? Maybe her blood will appear to be on the same shade as the lip tint that she used. The question is, am I thankful? The answer to that is both yes and no. Whether it only a compensation that I wasn’t hit or just a practical joke to remind me that I should appreciate life more than ever, I really don’t care. Do you want to know the last things that I did and last persons whom I talked to before that 7pm incident? I woke up having a stomach ache and went to school with groggy eyes without saying any decent word to my mother. I didn’t eat my breakfast or lunch this morning because I felt sick- mentally and physically. The last to things that I drank are coffee for lunch and soda for dinner. Supposed to be, my last meal would be a bag of fish crackers. The last movie that I watched this day is the “American Psycho”. The last persons that I was with are two of my boys and one of my girl classmates. The last thing that I supposed to see is the blur of that motorcycle that was supposedly destined to crush my bones. But it all boils down to one truth: I didn’t die. Am I going to change as a person? Nope. Will I still at fish cracker? Definitely. Did I love that “American Psycho” movie? Absolutely. Finally, will I regret one thing that I did for today? No. However, I will regret one thing that I didn’t do. –to say “I love you.” And “I am sorry” to my loving mother before I even bothered to zoom out of our gate just how that motorcycle zoomed fast 24 inches away from me.

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There is so much to discover in this world. Don't get discouraged yet

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