I want to kill myself more than ever lately
Iām sick of this feeling
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Donāt try to talk to him about anything he will never be able to understand what you convey
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I did not in fact follow every single impulse. Sadly.
Iām going to start following every single impulse. Fuck everyone elseās feelings. They donāt give a shit about mine.
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Tonight I shared a post that said ādonāt date men who see it as an inconvenience everytime your upsetā
And I said D: with it.... I knew I had to delete it right away because it would just start a fight.
And of course, he saw it before it disappeared, he said āso your just gonna leave meā
And I said āwhat?ā Like I didnāt know what he was talking about when I did in fact know..
Then I was sitting here shaking, waiting for him to start yelling when I realized... what the fuck. Why am I this scared to simply talk about how I feel? Why am I pushing my own feelings aside to appease someone elseās comfort..... and another thing, the fact that he acknowledged that when I get upset it is an inconvenience, but that wasnāt the point , the point was whether or not Iād leave him?!?!?!?!?!?
And I WAS SHAKING SCARED TO FEEL, SCARED TO SHARE SOMETHING THAT WAS PROVEN TRUE BY HIS WORDS.?!?
how fucking crazy am I? Lmfao.... at this point, he doesnāt respect me, doesnāt care what I think or how I feel or if Iām okay, just wants me to act perfect for him. Do whatever he says, take whatever hateful words he decides to say. Clean after him, and his pets, keep his house, cook his food, suck his dick,
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I wanna kill myself, but I wonāt, because Iād rather make him regret ever treating me like I am nothing.
Finding myself piece my piece, long way to go but I see her in sight.
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Iām going to start following every single impulse. Fuck everyone elseās feelings. They donāt give a shit about mine.
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Chance gets on my nerves. This morning I picked up my phone to see we what time it was and he quickly flips over and says āwill you get off that phoneā
Like bruh wtf how am I hurting you or bothering you in anyway?
He said āI can just feel when somethings on like a tv or a phoneā
Then bitch you should have felt it all night because itās been ON I just aināt been ON it.
He just doesnāt want me to have any sliver of joy for some reason. I donāt know what the fuck his problem is but itās getting old real quick. Iām starting to not give a fuck.
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He gets what he wants out of you then doesnāt hear shit you have to say. He doesnāt kiss you the way he used to, he doesnāt hold you how he used to. None of itās the same it will never be the same. The quicker I get that through my head the better off Iāll be.
I deserve to be fucking worshipped. What the fuck is this.
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Iād hate to actually have covid because my boyfriend could give a fuck less how I feel.
I want him to have fun with his friends but I didnāt even get a kiss or hug hello when he came through the door he could care less if I were here.
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After telling me today he was going to be making changes, he came home to me still sick. Bitching about the tv being on because I dozed off. He then picked up the house a bit while huffing and puffing the whole time and then got on his game. So much for being somebodies girlfriend right. Lmfaoooo
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The relationships I make with people along the way in life is what Iām scared to lose. For some reason? Terrified to just be alone. But I think thatās what Iām going to have to do to really find myself. Just dip off. Alone. Maybe go to Europe? Maybe go find me a beach to get on? Iām not sure about all this.
Maybe get me some money together and just use it to get a passport and fly wherever I want?
Go live on a commune? I could do that even.
Bucket list,
1)live on or by a beach for a year.
2)live and work on a commune.
3)take some kind of class for protection.
To be continued....
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Iāve been thinking about suicide a lot lately, not because I want to really die but because I need a fucking break.
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Iām going through so much shit lately, I cut again yesterday. Iām not doing too well with all of this on my own. I really might need to go to an institution for awhile. Maybe I just want to do that to get away from all this stress and everyday bullshit. Iām really not doing okay.
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My boyfriend doesnāt want me anymore, but thatās fine. Just because him and I arenāt meant to be in his eyes doesnāt mean I have to stop loving him. But I cant force someone to love me who doesnāt want me, been there done that. So itās time I let him go and I let him be happy out there on his own.
Iāll always love you chancelor lane Neal, but I canāt lose myself again, and I canāt make you love me so hereās goodbye.
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My boyfriend doesnāt want me anymore, Iām learning to be okay with that though. Iām good enough for me. I know Iām funny, I love my own sense of humor,
I know I am beautiful, because I can feel it every time I look at myself.
I know Iām smart, but I could be smarter honestly.
I have an immense amount of street smarts though. I can do anything I put my mind to, thatās been proven time and time again. I can stand and hold in so much pain, so much shit piled on top of me, and still keep going all while trying to make others feel good in the process. I am a very kind person, some people donāt understand my sense of humor but itās not for everyone. I am everything I am supposed to be and more.
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Iām starting to think I really might just enjoy sex with women more.... Iāve known I was bisexual now for some time but I typically sleep with men because itās... easy..... it doesnāt take much of anything to attract men. Women are difficult though, I wish I knew how to talk to them. In general, I get so nervous šš
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Iām always going to be the bad guy when it comes down to it with this man. I need to get out while I can.
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This mother fucker just be going off saying random ass shit but canāt keep up with me actually staying general ideas and facts. šš¤¦š»āāļø
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