laborofgratitude

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful…

for the chance to catch up with TM

that I live close to a really cool coffee shop

for the chance to hang with LW yesterday and for the connection shared around program stuffs

that I got to have dinner with AB and KT in AB’s home—I like that so much more than restaurants

for EB

that BF and JW made it safely to MN

that I got to catch up with JD

for my mindfulness meditation playlist I call, When I Need to Cry

that I’m learning how to welcome these extremely difficult feelings

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful

my quiet hour this morning

the suggestion to put a cinnamon stick in the carafe while my coffee brews

my habit of keeping chicken and black beans in the freezer so I always have them for my salads

I’ve been adding a pear to my salads

the class A Zen Perspective on Civic Engagement at the Houston Zen Center

two friends to read the ACA red book with

practice of no rules in the above group

books on paper

spiritual literature, including poetry

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful I could show up to take a friend to her colonoscopy, that I get to see BF and his husband this weekend, that I have a psych appt today and that I can do it online, that my meds are free, for heat when it’s cold, for my new online writing community, for decaf coffee (comfort without the caffeine), that I got to see my young friend E this morning on his way to daycare/school, that Bentley is so good, for my journal, for a car to get to my friends in my city and elsewhere.

[laborofgratitude]

Today I’m grateful for a hot-then-cold shower, that I got up and did some breath work, meditated, and did some exercise first thing, for healthy food to start the day, that my dog is healthy and cared for, that I got to hang out with dear friends in AB’s home instead of a restaurant, that I got nine hours of sleep last night, that I’m still consistently moving out of that acute fear response, for my laptop, that it’s a pretty day and that it’s cooler again, for the time I took to do a “gratitude prayer” with my first cup of coffee, that last night I put my phone (and watch) across the room and read for an hour—it’s so much easier to focus when I can’t grab my phone.

[laborofgratitude]

I’m grateful that I’m not alone, that I have dear friends around me and a strong support system, that I attended the Double Digit last night and saw people that I have history with, that I got to give out chips, that I got to sit next to KT, that my sponsor was near, that I’m slowly-but-definitely moving out of the acute fear response I’ve been in since my road trip with family, that I realize that my family doesn’t hate me—they love me, in fact—and while some people in our country hate the idea of me—of a nonbinary person on disability—it’s not me they hate, that even people who hate the idea of me, so-to-speak, often love me when they get to know me, that I have a skillset in relationship-building initiatives and that I see that perhaps it's time to get back to that.

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful…

That I was able to accomplish everything at the VA today that I wanted to accomplish (four clinics and the pharmacy)

That all of it was routine stuff, and that I was able to stack all the stuff in one day

That BF is in town for work and I’m free to grab dinner with them

That Bentley was so good all day—he got a compliment in every clinic

For new custom fat-leg-syndrome socks to keep the bloat down 😉

That I’ve saved enough sneaker money monthly that I won’t feel the purchase even a little

That Bentley seems to really appreciate his heated blanket at night and that makes me happy

For the friends and loved ones in my life

That a dear friend gets some much needed time off for bereavement

That I got to see her briefly omw to the a VA this morning

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful…

For more time spent with friends lately

For the flexibility to meet my sponsee at a 3:15 PM meeting to see her pick up her 60 day chip

For how hard my dog works for me

For the reminder in the meeting that gratitude changes the brain

For all the tools I’ve learned in AA and how they change my experience of life

That I’m getting stronger at not engaging like I used to in family dynamics, I’m changing my part

That NF is back in Houston and it’s been wonderful to be around him again

That he reminds me of meetings and things in Houston that aren’t part of my regular schedule

That I love journaling

That I get to see my therapist today — she’s been on vacation

For poetry and novels

For libraries

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful...

For this nice weather

That I know I can only do what I can do, which is a lot, but not so much that I can change national or global issues myself, so it's not worth jacking my system with stress hormones

For the therapist I had years ago who told me that if I stay in a stressed state, I'm actually less able to respond to genuine threat skillfully since my system will be depleted, so it's actually safer to try to stay calm and focused

That I have people around me who model healthy behaviors

For books on paper: "old school" books

For soup with AB and KT last night

That I got to see my friend E and give him a bath time compete with blow drying his hair (which is really an excuse to have him rest his head on my shoulder while he's wrapped up warm in his towel with the warm air blowing over us)

For how much joy I get from watching my dog run after a ball

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful…

That I woke earlier even though I didn’t get the sleep I usually need

That I still meditated 10 min, most of which is saying loving things to myself

That the weather has been so nice the last couple days

That there’s a dog park close to where I live and that I can easily take Bentley before and after work hours

For a pic from a friend featuring her 5-yr-old birthday boy

That I was there for the baby shower and have made all his bday parties

That, when he was a baby, I asked his mom if I should “violate his no” and change his diaper anyway and she lovingly said yes, even tho that’s kinda a silly question

That my friend’s kids know me, and that I get to know them

For a hike this Saturday in Sam Houston National Forest

That the longest hiking trail in Texas, the Lone Star Trail, has an access point just a little over an hour away from H-town

For a great meeting last night, led by AB, about meditation and connection—two things that are crucial for so many right now, including myself

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful…

To notice what comes up in me when I overhear a man sharing about a loved one’s mental illness

That the ways I’ve struggled have also given me compassion and insight

That my friend’s daughter, a soul very dear to me, is doing well right now

That her sons get to experience their mom with a healthy mind right now

That she has access to a program that is designed to support her

To know that so much of my experience in life, no matter what is going on in the world, depends on a healthy mind and the actions I take to take care of that mental well-being

For my consistent exploration regarding an idea for a creative project

That I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore and don’t have to stress about what need or want to give up so I can afford those toxins—it took me over nine years of trying

[laborofgratitude]

Today I’m grateful…

That I ran into a local poet at Black Hole this morning and we exchanged numbers

That she reminded me of another reading in Houston

For an extended hang out with RC yesterday, complete with dogs, and that we could spend almost all of our time outside

That Bent is so chill

For the reminder in the Al-Anon meeting yesterday that self-care is even more important when I’m stressed

For the share that, when stressed, that person actually doubles their prayer/meditation time

That I get to hang out with DZ tonight and be part of his art

To know myself well enough that I know getting eight hrs of sleep doesn’t leave me feeling rested if I fall asleep too late—it also matters what hours of the night I’m sleeping

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful…

For a weekend full of connection—Thursday dinner through lunch today has been full of people I love

That I’ve started a new book of fiction I’m excited about

That I have some ideas for advocacy work and trust that whatever is right for me will make itself known

That I’ve been more consistent with prayer and have been actively attempting to connect to whatever connects us all

For Bentley’s snuggles

For my iPad, which makes it easy to meet with my sponsor over zoom on Sunday mornings

For my sponsor’s kindness, compassion, and soft heart

For LW’s comment on Friday about taking what I can and leaving the rest

That if there are things I don’t like, I can model what I think is healthier

To know that I need to show up to be able to model anything at all

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful

I got to have dinner with AB and E last night at a favorite restaurant and then I got to see good friends at a coffee shop

For the awareness that community is going to be even more important the next four years and that I can honor that by prioritizing connection

That it stopped raining and it’s nice doing work outside rn

That I was able to go by the VA and get meds this morning

That Bentley is so easy

For the awareness that I feel better when I eat a little something before taking particular meds

For the 12:15 yesterday

For the breeze

That I have clean clothes and access to toiletries

That I believe if I don’t have the experience I want in life, I can practice behaviors which will shift my experience, even if incrementally

That incrementally, studies show, is more sustainable

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful…

For outside weather, it’s so much easier to feel grounded when I can spend time outside

That I get to see friends tonight

For the project I’ve been consistently working on, which helps to focus my thinking

For my dog, who is so in tune with me

For a conversation with AP last night about getting involved in something helpful, that we expressed similar thoughts about what to look for and what isn’t for us

That Bentley ate breakfast this morning—he didn’t eat at all yesterday and threw up a couple times, and I was worried

That the VA provides me with meds when I need them, and sometimes they mail them without me having to even go in for an appointment

That I got to see a dear, dear friend, AB, yesterday, and that I got to hang with the beautiful soul that is my friend E

That AB gets to hug her daughter today

That KB gets to hug her mom

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful

That I have tools which help me take responsibility for my experience

That redirecting my thinking helps to shift my emotional experience, which helps me change behaviors, which changes my life

That I know that while every emotion is appropriate, nurturing emotional experiences into a state of greater unrest is not helpful or useful

That I’m on a journey to feel more fully while maintaining a sense of groundedness

That I’m not alone, I have a lot of love around me in the people who share my life

For the gratitude lists I’ve received today which remind me of all the above

That acceptance is incomplete without action

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful

That Bentley and I made it safely to Dallas to visit BF and JW

That Bentley and their dog, Crash, are good playmates

That they have a backyard with a covered patio and furniture, and that I can do some work outside while it’s misting

That I can, and usually do, spend most of my time outside on their patio when I visit

That I remembered my hoodie and that it’s cool enough to wear it

That I have the skills to do things like sign up for new classes and meet new people even though it can sometimes be a little nerve wracking

That I don’t have to take on anyone else’s stuff, and that I see more clearly than ever how I have been, which means I can now do a different thing

For friends with whom I have 5, 10, 15, even 20 years of history

[laborofgratitude]

Grateful

For this time in the morning to write/research

That Bentley and I made it out for a mini walk before the rain came with the thunder

That it’s lovely to be outside in the thunder when it isn’t raining yet (yesterday we got soaked to the bone—his collar, even my belt, etc)

That yesterday when we got soaked, I thought we might, and I left my hat inside so it’s still dry!

For the view outside my writing desk of cypress trees, which happen to be my favorite trees

For all the road tripping to beautiful natural settings that I did in early recovery with my dear friend BF

That I’m ok even if/when those I love may not be

That I can choose to do the things that bring peace and I can let those I love make their own decisions

That sometimes (often) letting someone have their full experience is what allows them to make new choices

That I got to hang with E last night, a dear little soul I am very, very fond of