lachevender

[lachevender]

Dandelions

[lachevender]

it killed you to grow up there, in the dark like that, with nothing but the bones of your childhood. they punished every version of you that wasn't a god. forced sainthood into saturdays and now when you're out in the sun, your hands shake. your breathing puffing into cold mornings, alone in your room, wondering how you could be so broken and yet never have anyone notice the break.

in the dream of that house, you sometimes remember meals and silence and long hallways and your hand cramping over your homework. you sometimes remember the yelling or the limegreen falsehood veneer your parents could construct in the presence of guests. mostly you remember the way time seeped through you, dripped onto everything, how the words it'll get better felt like an arrow through your chest.

you would lay in bed and hope for death with the same fantasy air as romance, picturing a glorious coffin. sometimes you'd picture a dramatic end or a tragic illness that would sweep you away. but mostly you pictured some kind of strange miracle; that you'd go to sleep and simply never have to deal with that again.

when you got out, you had to burn the atmosphere to escape. these days you reside on another planet entirely: one bright and full of lights and color and friends and spice and laughter.

and still sometimes when people say summer, you still remember the back deck. you still remember building a castle. you still remember the birds. when you lay yourself down at night - some part of you still whispers about catacombs, and the dark, and the bones.

some version of you is still resting in that tomb, after all. some version of you will always see the outline of that place and say that's where we used to call home.

[lachevender]

00.06

lama. lebih dari bilangan jari bulan berganti.

ngubah desc box dari umur xx ke xxii. yah xxi nya kelewat jadi ga kayak bioskop.

balik ke sini karena habis selesai buku Radio Silence, sebuah buku rekomendasi dari teman yang ceritanya di tokoh artis tumblr. hebatnya aku tamatin buku itu dalam 2 hari, padahal terakhir aku baca buku beneran sekitar 4 bulan lalu. kirain sel otak udah hiatus dari fungsi kerjanya tapi ternyata masih jalan juga.

ngeliat pos sendiri di sini terakhir udah hampir dua taun lalu? waktu tumblr diblok sama keminfo dan yaudah aja bye dunia yang dulu gabisa aku lepas sejak kelas 7 SMP. melepas adiksi itu butuh keterpaksaan. dan rupanya aku belum berubah banyak. keadaan menyeretku untuk dewasa, tapi si inner child masih menang atas diri sendiri.

sebentar lagi insyaAllah lulus, banyak yang perlu dipikirin. nemuin kembali sepotong diri di masa lalu ini bikin tambah mikir. selalu terngiang sepenggal lirik dari ultimate-life-crisis-anthem: Tomorrow.

don't go too far away tomorrow

i still do love art. i breathe it in, but not out. i have dreams that i buried and it haunts me down in my sleep. i can't see the path ahead but i'm walking, still. i want to believe that i'm not running in place.

tadi pagi baru install whatsapp lagi setelah beberapa hari off. ada chat dari sita yang minta isi biodata kayak binder. ini karena kemarennya aku nanya ke dia setelah ujian farklin digital, 'cita-cita kamu apa?' dan dia jawab 'masuk surga'. God, i wish i am that simple. i wish my heart is still there, close enough to my pulse to be able to listen and understand.

aku isi gini:

Hobi : Merenungi hidup Cita cita : Mencapai kesimpulan dalam merenungi hidup Makes : Yang gratis Mikes : Air putih Harapan : Semoga senantiasa dalam lindungan-Nya. You will end in full bloom🌱

pretensius, ya? namanya juga aku. namanya juga manusia. namanya juga kehidupan, panggung sandiwara.

selamat menghamba kehidupan sembari mendamba kematian, wahai penumpang kehidupan!

[lachevender]

우리는 삶의 대부분을 머리 속에서 산다. 거기가 머무르기 좋은 곳이 되도록 하라. You live most of your life inside your head. Make sure it’s a nice place to be.

[lachevender]

knock knock @an-indefinite-article are you alive where are you i hope you're treating yourself well and be happy always, ily

[lachevender]

방탄소년단 - RAIN

With a light gray background Why am I standing here? I don't know if I have a lots of thoughts or no thoughts at all [...] The thick color of a rainy day in Seoul I still can’t fall asleep as I fade away The rain stops and the reflection in the puddle I see myself looking more miserable today [...] Even when this rain stops, when the clouds go away I stand here, just the same Without saying anything, looking at the world There, a not so beautiful me is looking at myself

[lachevender]

Perhaps you are sleeping while tens of du’ā are being raised for you.

From a poor person you helped, or a hungry person you fed, or a sad person you made happy, or a person in distress you eased.

Never belittle any good deed.

[lachevender]

yes or no? yes, we came from the darkness, with only matches to light our way. they flickered with every tiny gust that whispered across us but we faced hurricanes and emerged, still holding the flames. 

yes, i let you in because i couldn’t bear to keep you out. you took hold of a heart that forgot how to beat and taught it how to draw breath with all of the starlight inside you.

yes, i love you. no, i won’t say it. yes or no? no, don’t leave, the air is brittle and cold and so am i, but you make me want to be warm. i think i could find the sun in your smile if you stay long enough.

no, i won’t let them take you when i only just found myself in your eyes. 

no, this isn’t the end. this is our start. you claimed us as home and a beginning has never tasted as sweet to a tongue so used to bitterness.

YES OR NO? // l.s.

[lachevender]

First spread of February 2018 📖

[lachevender]

[lachevender]

Grafika Roku 2017 – a poster for the Czech national competition of graphic arts. 

[lachevender]

The clear sky has set itself against the wall. It’s like a prayer to emptiness. And the emptiness turns its face to us and whispers “I am not empty; I am open.”

Tomas Tranströmer, closing lines to “Vemeer,” For the Living and the Dead (Ecco, 1995)

[lachevender]

Okay. So #studyblrs get real isn’t trying to offend anyone. I’ve gotten some anon messages that are really rude and I’ve just straight up deleted them.

#studyblrs get real is just that, we’re getting real. I’ve rewritten my notes to be aesthetically pleasing one time. Uno. Ein. Yeah that’s the only languages I know one in.

The studyblr aesthetic isn’t most people’s real life studies methods. It’s some people’s, and I want to congratulate those who manage to keep the aesthetic up.

But honestly, it’s not real life. Real life is being up at 2 AM, surrounded by four empty cups, Rice Krispies Treat wrappers, and a pizza box with just pizza crust in it, and grease marks on your paper. Real life is not having time to make these AMAZING and GORGEOUS notes, because you’re studying for the grade, NOT the notes.

People say you just need to “study” to be a studyblr, but why is it only the MUJIs, the Mildliners, and the Staedtlers get reblogged? Why doesn’t the pictures of sloppy, coffee stained notes get reblogged? The rain drenched crinkled notes that don’t get rewritten. The notes with more scribbles than legible writing.

Underneath is why I think that #studyblrs get real needs to become popular, and fast, which has been taken from what I said in a conversation with @universi-tea where the idea for #studyblrs get real came up.

Teens that are growing up may not know what they’re facing, because aesthetic studyblr makes it look like sunshine and lollipops.

“I’ve been through things that will commonly happen. I’ve been rejected by my dream school, and I’ve cried at 4 AM in the morning because my fourth SAT scores weren’t high enough to meet requirements after months of studying. I’ve taken AP classes. I’ve graduated.

Your high school/college/university experience may have been different, but mine was a rude awakening and I’m trying to prevent others from crashing and burning like I did. I was an all A student in high school, even with AP classes. I graduated fifth in my class with 25 credits from AP scores, in which my school only offered seven AP classes.

My first test in uni was a 38 in Business Calculus. A fucking 38 out of 100. I remember it very vividly (Thursday night, and the Blacklist was on.) It was like someone was trying play a joke on me because I had NEVER gotten that low of a test grade before. I remember looking at my scores, and the sense of dread settling into the pit of my stomach. I cried, and then called my old AP Bio teacher (idk why now that I think about it) I had a panic attack, and I was by myself (lived alone.) Those two are very dangerous. My next test score was a 51. Rinse, and repeat.

Do you know how worthless I felt? How long my mom yelled at me after I called her? How my friends reacted when they found out? I went and had a four hour conversation with the professor, who told me that this was the most common thing he saw in a class with freshmen in it. That they come thinking that they’re prepared and they are by no means prepared. I had to go to tutoring. For every single class but one. This was so fucking embarrassing. I had gone from the tutor in HS to the tutored in Uni.

My best friend went to the North Carolina School of Math and Science. Extremely prestigious, and extremely hard. “It’s like taking uni classes when you’re 16, 17, and 18, but you don’t get credit for them as college classes.” I’ve known my best friend since I was 10-ish. She’s the most level headed, and the smartest person I know. She calls me frequently, crying, because the work load. She spent a whole week with me trying to get over one failing grade.

This embarrassment, this shame and lack of self worth I experienced in uni is something I NEVER want ANYONE to experience. I’m trying to prevent these people younger than I am from feeling this way, because I had sunk into a depression because of grades. Grades that could’ve been prevented, had I known the truth.

Sure, the studyblr aesthetic may work in some people’s lives, but in college/uni, you’re being pulled in so many directions. I don’t know of a single person in any of my classes that have gorgeous notes. Hell, I don’t know anyone who can even afford to buy nice planners, or buy fresh fruit. Being “a broke college student” is entirely legit.

But all this aside, if you’ve managed to live out the studyblr aesthetic in university and keep up your grades, you better be DAMN proud of yourself. I’m not trying to make anyone mad. This is the reality most of us experience. It’s the honest truth, and I had to find out the hard way. I just don’t want anyone else to find out the hard way, either.“

[lachevender]

hope girls grow up knowing that there are infinite ways of being a woman. hope girls grow up loving themselves for who they are.

[lachevender]

oh, you think it’s not love because we are only friends? you think this isn’t love? do i not miss her when she’s gone. is her smile not the thing that makes me happy. do we not sit in silence together comfortably. are we both not weird and honest and joyful with each other. am i not proud of her as if she was my blood. right now she’s on vacation and seeing her glowing with the sun makes me so happy for her. i’m sorry if you don’t have something like that; a trust that’s bone-deep, a knowing that you can go for days without speaking and still pick up the place you left off. knowing if you said “help” she’d come running as fast as the wind. but it’s love, you know. found family always is.

[lachevender]

Emma Gonzalez and Sarah Chadwick—teen survivors of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting—are out there tearing it up. They’re on fire.

[lachevender]

to dreamcatcher: do you watch horror movies together to get into your horror concept more? do the members have any favorite horror movies