ladytwofangs

[ladytwofangs]

Fear of Change

I was a 15 year old farm-kid-turned-suburb-dweller and Republican-by-pedigree when Obama was elected. That night, I was planted on the living room floor in front of the TV watching the election coverage while I worked on a poster about Mexican worry dolls for a Spanish project, construction paper and markers sprawled around me. My mom and I had been living in the pink house for just over a year. Legally, my parents were still married. The week before, grandpa fell in his kitchen and tore all of the muscles in his right knee. The surgery to repair his knee had been smooth, but he had never been under anesthesia before and he still hadn’t come to. Little did we know, he would never break out of that fog again. 

He was still in the hospital that night and both of my parents were there visiting him. They still weren’t home when John McCain made his concession speech around 10 o’clock. I was disappointed by proxy, knowing my mom could be home any minute and she would be furious at the news. I liked John McCain well enough. And I liked Sarah Palin a lot, in the sense that I identified with and admired any reasonably successful brunette woman at that point in my life, especially one that was so goofy and adorable but also powerful. 

I was almost a Republican. There were so many times I could have ended up a Republican.

[ladytwofangs]

I'm not proud of all of the choices I've made in my life, but I'm proud of the person I am, I'm not ashamed of who I am

Monica Lewinsky, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (S.6 - March 17)

[ladytwofangs]

DAY 1: 2 GOALS

I’m doing a 30 day challenge, today’s challenge is set 2 goals that I want to accomplish by the end of the next 30 days. 

1) I want to feel like I put the previous day to good use and optimistic for tomorrow

2) I want my apartment to be really clean, like no cat puke anywhere, all the dishes are done, all my clothes are hung up, wipe down cabinets, the whole nine yards

[ladytwofangs]

I am proud that I continue onward each day with and in spite of my depression, my father’s depression, a childhood of dysfunction

[ladytwofangs]

Regroup

I believe I have a lot of potential. I believe I can do good in the world. But I am really scared. I am so scared of screwing up, of not living up to my potential, of actually not having as much potential as I think I do. This is the paradox -- the fear of believing in myself all the way is holding me back. Fear is hiding my head in the sand. What is the difference between incubation and cowardice?

The story I tell myself about myself over and over is one about how, sure, she dropped the ball and tumbled down with it into the hole, then crawled her way back up, only to slip back in, and then if I just TRANSFORM into someone who does better, who is stronger then I’ll make it and I’ll never look back. THIS IS A CRAZY STORY TO BELIEVE. Transformation is a lifelong practice, not an overnight thing. And that is so hard to admit and so scary. 

I’ll never be able to do everything. I’ll never be PERFECT. Perfect is overrated. All I can do is try to enjoy life, do what makes me happy today and in the longterm, and do my best to ensure that my actions make people happier, improve peoples’ lives. 

[ladytwofangs]

PMS

Hormones are attacking me today. I feel so tired and down on myself. I’m literally at home wrapped in a blanket drinking some fancy stress relief tea. 

I asked a friend recently about when she got her first period, and told her about my first period, too. I got it at the start of the summer after 7th grade. I was 12, about to turn 13 the next month. We were at my uncle’s house in Ohio for my cousin’s graduation from dental school. I remember going to bed early, watching the movie Prime on a portable DVD player on my lap. The next morning, I woke up to a blood bath. I was wearing a pair of underwear from Victoria’s Secret that had rainbow stripes. The blood was pooled inside. I remember being freaked out, because my mom and uncle were downstairs and I was afraid to go get them. I waited for what felt like forever for her to come upstairs so I could tell her. I didn’t have any supplies. My cousin’s fiancee was there, but she used tampons and didn’t have a pad. Mom and my uncle went to the store for me, and they brought back a huge pack of pads, the ones with the wings. I remember feeling so embarrassed, wishing my uncle hadn’t known about it. But also, I remember my body feeling like it had betrayed me. I had been pushed out of my body and did not control my body. This was a feeling of not really being in my body, or at least no longer being one with my body. There was me, and then there was my body. 

Whatever notion I had of what a period was, it mostly involved women losing control. Women being impossible, overemotional, stuck in their suffering. Women with PMS didn’t have to be nice, didn’t have the control to be calm and rational, weren’t going to comfort you. When I was on my period, even that first time, I remember feeling like I did not have to pretend that everything was ok, because it wasn’t, and so I was on a pass. I remember being cranky and difficult. I remember getting frustrated with my dad, thinking how unfair it was that I was bleeding and had cramps and felt like crying AND he still babied me and expected me to act normal. A bleeding body is a body that has lost control, is losing itself. I was seeping out and disposing bits of myself. It gave me license to act like a real bitch, and my bitchiness was never on short supply even when I wasn’t on my period. 

Mom used to tell me that she would get annoyed at women who blamed bad behavior on their periods, who used it as an excuse. It wasn’t that she thought it was easy to have a period. But, she didn’t think it was good to encourage or verify men’s belief that periods made women crazy. I remember hearing boys in my class make fun of girls “PMSing.” I spoke back to one boy in my 8th grade class, and told him that it wasn’t funny. I hated anyone who said things like that. The hormones really do get to you, it’s hard to deal with. Women are disciplined into docile behavior, being good girls, yet our bodies sabotage this process, turn us into grotesque, angry bitches. 

There are so many stories like this -- when I shaved my legs for the first time, my first bra, getting braces, dieting. 

[ladytwofangs]

Signs of Life

It went from -29 degrees to suddenly 40 degrees over the last week. My state of mind has gone from like extremely low, what’s the point of any of this, let’s burn it all down, at least we’d be warm to suddenly joining Weight Watchers, cleaning a bunch, and feeling like everything is going to be ok, or even like I might have something real to offer other people. SO. I guess that’s a good sign? Or it means I’m extremely impulsive and hypomanic. We’ll find out. 

I’m going to tell a little story now. It’s about how bad my breath tastes inside my mouth right now, coffee set deep on my tongue already coated with the sour flavor of sleep. It’s about flecks of callused skin sitting on the coffee table, the tenderness of raw skin on my heels and around my big toes. It’s about a pain in my elbow from sitting for hours and hours playing phone games. It’s about the throbbing pain of the boil on the inside of my labia that I’ve scrubbed with Dawn soap, squeezed, and poked with needles for several days in desperation, waiting for it to deflate. It’s about the inside of my vacuum cleaner, the tangle of cat fur that has gotten caught around a plastic part way deep inside the filter, impossible to reach my finger to and that I eventually gave up on on ever getting out. This is the story of indignities, the everyday drudgery of life lived from inside a body. 

A better person than me wouldn’t get fixated on these things, wouldn’t judge these experiences as pleasant or unpleasant, wouldn’t judge herself for judging the experiences. A better person would just notice them, accept her experience as it was. I’m pretty disgusted with myself about all of this though. I feel like the victim and the culprit, the one born into a body that is disgusting and who is so disgusting and doesn’t take good enough care of her body. I get torn up inside about what to do -- to go natural or to tame my body? Then I decide, well, there is no real giving over to either choice fully, there will always be the drama of trying to make my body be some other way while honoring all that it is and does. There is no way out of the body. 

[ladytwofangs]

19 for 2019: January Nailed it or Failed it

1. 1,900 “mature things” (~5/day)

FAILED IT. I actually think this is a great intention, and I don’t doubt that I’m doing mature things regularly to meet this quota, which let’s be real is an arbitrary number. But: I am 100% not logging it like I wanted to. Ok, fine whatever. The real issue though is that I would estimate for every 1 mature thing I do, I probably do 3-10 immature things, depending on the day. At that rate even if I did accomplish 1900 mature things this year, I’d be hitting between 5700-19000 immature things. SO, gotta really cut down on the immature shit I do if this goal is good for anything. Here I made this intense list of “mature things” to aspire to, but I didn’t even begin to think about “immature things” I need to stop doing, and that will need to be replaced with “mature things.” SO I am for sure revising this goal today, thinking about immature behaviors I need to let go of for February. 

2. at least 19 minutes of exercise every day

FAILED IT. Guys, it has been FRICKIN FREEZING IN HERE. It’s not a real excuse, like there’s plenty I could be doing inside. At-home workouts galore -- recumbent biking, yoga, pull-ups with my new pull-up bar, 7-minute workouts, sit ups. You name it. But the cold has zapped a lot from me, namely the desire to do anything that doesn’t include my bathrobe. I gotta up my game here, I know I can, and that I will feel better if I do. Food is playing a big role, too, I know. I feel like I need to hit this minimum goal of doing any exercise at all for 19 minutes AND actually seriously commit to losing some weight. I have no motivation for either of these things at the moment

3. learn to Dutch braid

WORKING ON IT. My hair is still growing out, so gonna be a bit still. I did a fishtail braid last weekend though! 

4. mouthwash every day

NAILED IT. This is one of those New Years’ resolutions that is so simple yet really is making me feel good and I can tell is turning into a habit. Like it signals that I’m getting ready for my bed, is definitely when I’m done eating for the day, and makes me feel less disgusting about my mouth guard. 

5. get a pull-up!

FAILED IT. I bought a pull up bar, thinking I would do my jumping negatives every day. Shocker, I have used it like 3 times. Gotta do better. 

6. run at least 279 miles (the length of Patti Smith’s “Just Kids”)

FAILED IT. 

7. maintain an at-home yoga practice, and do yoga at least 246 times (the number of Joni Mitchell songs)

FAILED IT. I did yoga like, 3 times total this month... That means, I need to do it 243 more times this year. That means like 5-6 times a week for the rest of the year. Technically still possible. But a way loftier goal than I was thinking of initially. WISH ME LUCK. 

8. no driving to school, no paying for parking (unless on vacation), and no parking tickets

WORKING ON IT. I was doing really well with this one until the extreme cold hit. Legit paid $13 for parking on Monday. 

9. publish 3 journal articles

FAILED IT. Pulled the plug on my R&R. So that puts me at a strong 0/3 progress here.

10. turn things in at 1:43pm or 143 minutes before the deadline (applies to assignments, article submissions, AND grading)

FAILED IT, see above

11. write 524 words/day (# of recipes in Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking”)

FAILED IT

12. read 524 pages/wk

FAILED IT. 

13. go to a drag king show

FAILED IT. 

14. be the Nico of CrossFit (feel free to be as bleak, off-putting, and unambitious as you want, just keep showing up but don’t become a sell-out, no need to change who you are)

NAILED IT. I was for sure the Nico of CrossFit last month, fully giving way to my addictions and impulses, doing nothing at all to further my progress, disappearing, going into hiding, putting on weight, moody AF. But like Nico, I can be aware of my failures and still make a tortured but no less captivating comeback. My desire to be in shape and athletic is like Nico’s music career -- a lifeline, just something to channel my energies into that might keep me from drowning in my own recklessness for a time. 

15. reach inside and outside the academic world to craft prose and frank accounts/critiques of modern culture, my childhood, codependency, and more. be the Susan Bordo of non-fiction/personal essayists.

FAILED IT. What is this goal even? It’s definitely not specific enough. Gotta come up with something concrete here, or this one is just some fancy words strung together. 

16. be the Susan Sontag of boundaries – “it’s never been my prime mission to give comfort, unless somebody’s in drastic need. I’d rather give pleasure, or shake things up”

FAILED IT. This one is also way too abstract. 

17. One! Hundred! Comp! Books! (use childlike wonder and play to treat misery, use drawing as an outlet for spiritual healing)

WORKING ON IT. 

18. be the Roger Ebert of fun and parties – “Life always has an unhappy ending but you can have a lot of fun along the way” + “The point is not to avoid all stupid movies but to avoid being a stupid moviegoer”

FAILED IT. Do I really want this one?

19. only buy clothes at thrift stores (excluding socks, underwear, running shoes) OR from Indigenous/queer/feminist apparel companies

FAILED IT. Bought a shirt from Target, and also have been online window shopping. 

[ladytwofangs]

Gratitudes

1. Feeling more stable and confident about Matt, truly loving him and appreciating him

2. Easy travels back to KC

3. Aileen Moreton-Robinson

4. Feeling confident about finishing my article today (fingers crossed!)

5. 13 more days of break!

6. Lucy

7. Nina Simone

8. Seeing a blue jay today

9. Sammy

10. Check from dad making my life 1000x better, financial security

[ladytwofangs]

Homebound

It’s 6:41AM here in Orange. I’m awake somehow -- this is the earliest I’ve woken up in weeks. My sleep was tense and restless. My flight back to KC leaves today at 12:10pm where I’ll be for a few days before I drive back to Madison. 

Yesterday I blogged, wrote the letter for Joanna, worked on my article, went for a walk with Matt, worked on my article some more, went to Taco Adobe for dinner with Matt, had sweet interesting sex, got stoned, played Super Smash Brothers, watched the Great British Baking show, and played 2048/Disney Emoji Blitz.

I woke up today with a strong sense of nostalgia for the person I was in 2013, in 2014, in 2015, in 2017. The girl who leaned into and outside of herself -- physically (yoga, running, Whole30), mentally/spiritually, (meditation, writing, prayer), aesthetically (ugly biker t-shirt, black shirts, earrings), intellectually (Toni Morrison, film theory, old movies, jazz), environmentally (long walks, recycling, travel), socially (kissing, close friends)

I am still her, but I could do more justice to that girl, give more to my own soul. 

[ladytwofangs]

When Dad Was Well

Here is what I remember:

Going to Feldman’s to see the baby chicks, getting tiny horse figurines

Riding on the tractor with him

Going for rides with Grandpa

Taking me to and picking me up from preschool

Getting trashed at Marisa’s wedding

Getting trashed at Jenny’s wedding

What is hard about remembering dad’s wellness is that it sprung up among the debris of his unwellness, so that even now when he is doing just fine, there are signs everywhere, strewn about this house, his clothes, his face. 

He actually is ok a lot of the time. But he doesn’t clean up after himself or try to recover. The mess becomes a part of his new normal, with no attempt to make it anything other than that. Part of me admires him for this refusal to tame, to forget, to change. 

I wish he could laugh about it, admit how bad it was. He won’t admit how badly he botched things, how unavailable he was, and resign himself to making amends. When I label it, try to make sense of it which is really making light of it, he gets defensive. He tells me that I was brainwashed and I only got my mother’s side of the story. It hurts to hear because it implies I have no mind of my own and could not be a witness or a judge to my own life. 

I try to go about my days not thinking about him. 

I wonder if there is something distinctly Midwestern about hoarding.

[ladytwofangs]

Blazed

Yesterday I got up at like ??? 

I’m not sure, I’d have to check the FitBit. Which is it say, I’ve been sleeping a lot. Sleeping late. I feel so much better when I get to sleep plenty. But it’s so hard to do during the semester. I’m luxuriating in sleep while I can!

I got up, made coffee, and talked to Alex about politics. I was thinking about how messed up it is that politicians aren’t working from the Constitution, barely seem to have read it, let alone study it or follow it. 

I got dressed, thinking we were going to go to the flea market. But surprise -- we stayed home instead. Playing our games. I watched the first episode of Marie Kondo’s Netflix show. Mostly playing Super Smash Bros/Disney Emoji Blitz/2048 all day. 

We went to the dispensary and I got some gummies. We came back and somehow Matt and I made four bean and quinoa tacos for dinner (yum) despite being super stoned. Matt’s roommate drove us to the movies and we saw If Beale Street Could Talk. I really liked it, and felt like I got more out of it because I’ve been reading Alice Walker’s book this week. 

Came home, ate another gummy, ate like an entire sleeve of Ritz, ice cream, and a few wasabi peas. Then, went to sleep.

Gotta get shit done on my article today, respond to Lori, and work on the letter for Joanna. And like, try to enjoy my last few days here with Matt, not get too stoned, etc. 

[ladytwofangs]

Home Body Filled with Hormones

Yesterday I woke up at 10:15, way later than normal. I called my dad, who told me Lucy is fine but also that someone robbed the barn and the shed?!?! Matt and I went for a run (his idea). I ran a mile, then walked the .33 back to Matt’s place while he did a slightly longer loop. I am out of cardio shape! I came back and did some sit-ups and other stretches.  I blogged while Matt took a shower. I made coffee and oatmeal (enough for me and the boys). I played Super Smash Brothers with Alex. Alex and Matt played while I sat playing Disney emoji blitz and 2048. We basically stayed in some kind of configuration like that until Matt had to leave at 3:50. I worked on my article for a bit. When he got home from the meeting, we decided we wanted Chinese food and walked to a place across the street but it was closed. It was a rainy day but fortunately mostly spotty by the time we were walking. We walked home and Matt drove us to this place called Green China and ate pork wontons, crab rangoon, fried rice, and something called Princess Chicken. 

We came home, played more Super Smash Brothers, watched Ep. 1 of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars Season 4. After which, Matt and I snuck into his room and had really good sex. We have gotten along well during this trip, probably because I feel more at peace. 

I was a little anxious yesterday, feeling ineffective and guilty. I haven’t yet written my letter of support for Joanna, and the guy in charge sent me a reminder yesterday. Lori is in hyperdrive trying to finish the 347 syllabus. I am still working on my article revision. All this makes my chest flutter, my neck tense up. BUT I know my hormones are a big part of it. “Plunging estrogen” as the hormone horoscope puts it is almost definitely to blame. I feel insecure and anxious, and basically all I want to do is cuddle up on the couch and eat. I have to resist this, remember that I can do this, everything will get done, I can trust myself. 

[ladytwofangs]

Pleasant/Unpleasant/Neutral

Unpleasant: Fear/Worry

As much as I want to do well -- finish my article, be a good TA, be a prolific scholar -- I worry that I have a tendency to self-sabotage, to set myself up for failure. I’m worried I’m going to miss the deadline, let Lori down, never get a job. 

I have to work hard to remember that I have made a commitment to myself and that I truly care about my work. I feel this most when I’m thinking about the communities I’m serving -- Indigenous communities, my students, my department, faculty, and colleagues. I have a tendency to take on more so I can feel like this justifies why I’m always behind, why I deserve a pass. But actually it doesn’t. Everyone is busy, maybe if I can focus more on completing what’s in front of me, then I can stop needing to hide by stretching myself thin. I am capable, smart, and dedicated. I can do this. 

Pleasant: Upcoming thing I’m excited about

I’m excited for my guest lecture this semester! Kind of nervous, for sure. But it will be the first time I’ve gotten to lecture to undergrads about my research. This is what I really care about.  

Neutral: a thing

Today, I went for a run for the first time in a long time. My foot has been hurting a lot (not the one with plantar fasciitis, the other one...) and feels like I need to pop it all the time. During the run, it started to hurt really bad but then it felt like it snapped, in a good way. So, it doesn’t feel like amazing or anything but it doesn’t hurt, supremely back to neutral *thumbs up*

[ladytwofangs]

Friday Prayers

1. May my plantar fasciitis heal

2. May I finish my article to my satisfaction in advance of the deadline

3. May Matt find success

4. May I continue to grow and find healthier, intentional ways of being through my practice with “mature things”

5. May I cherish learning, savor it, breathe it, take sustenance from it

6. May the semester ahead be one of balance, discipline, focus -- steadiness that stays sharp and soft. Doing more of what I value, more of the time -- putting my energies where they belong and can be of service. 

7. May I be a humble scholar, as in ready to be wrong, not expecting to do well or to get a pass, to receive special treatment, to get away with anything. May I respect that the rules apply to me, may I do my part and be dutiful, hardworking, loyal. 

8. May I be a confident person, trusting myself, believing I am capable, knowing my strengths, loving who I am and who I am becoming. 

9. May I set down my perfectionism (Virgo) when it hurts, may I set down my self-pity (Pisces) when it sucks me down. The me who cracks the whip upon me and spits insults, the me who coddles me in her loving arms. Where is the me who is somewhere in neutral? Active but not obsessive. Self-compassionate but not enabling. 

10. Keep letting the light in

[ladytwofangs]

19 for 2019

1. 1,900 “mature things” (~5/day)

2. at least 19 minutes of exercise every day

3. learn to Dutch braid

4. mouthwash every day

5. get a pull-up!

6. run at least 279 miles (the length of Patti Smith’s “Just Kids”

7. maintain an at-home yoga practice, and do yoga at least 246 times (the number of Joni Mitchell songs)

8. no driving to school, no paying for parking (unless on vacation), and no parking tickets

9. publish 3 journal articles 

10. turn things in at 1:43pm or 143 minutes before the deadline (applies to assignments, article submissions, AND grading)

11. write 524 words/day (# of recipes in Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking”)

12. read 524 pages/wk 

13. go to a drag king show

14. be the Nico of CrossFit (feel free to be as bleak, off-putting, and unambitious as you want, just keep showing up but don’t become a sell-out, no need to change who you are)

15. reach inside and outside the academic world to craft prose and frank accounts/critiques of modern culture, my childhood, codependency, and more. be the Susan Bordo of non-fiction/personal essayists.

16. be the Susan Sontag of boundaries -- “it’s never been my prime mission to give comfort, unless somebody’s in drastic need. I’d rather give pleasure, or shake things up” 

17. One! Hundred! Comp! Books! (use childlike wonder and play to treat misery, use drawing as an outlet for spiritual healing)

18. be the Roger Ebert of fun and parties -- “Life always has an unhappy ending but you can have a lot of fun along the way” + “The point is not to avoid all stupid movies but to avoid being a stupid moviegoer”

19. only buy clothes at thrift stores (excluding socks, underwear, running shoes) OR from Indigenous/queer/feminist apparel companies

[ladytwofangs]

Thursday Gratitudes

1. The deadline for my R&R is actually January 10, not the 5! Which means I’m ahead of schedule and have plenty of time to get it where I want it to be. 

2. The new washing machine was delivered to the Farm yesterday and dad got it hooked up, no problem and is basking in the glory of clean clothes, towels, sheets, and more

3. I love being in Orange, it is the place where I am most contented, least wandering

4. Feeling strength tingles in my arms after 2 days of jumping negatives on the pull-up bar

5. Matt’s unwavering patience, loyalty, and kindness to me: he claims me and holds me despite bad farts, overeating, crassness, and laziness

6. Practicing mature things!!! I’m easing into this one, for sure. But just being more intentional about it has gotten me to do things I don’t think I would have otherwise. Small things like deciding not to get on Matt’s case if he’s in a mood or trapped in his thoughts (during work hours!! like if there is a time when that’s a good thing, it’s then, I should let him be and assume he’ll come back to me when we’re both done working - duh). Or doing the dishes right after eating (I did this after lunch yesterday and then let the plate from dinner sit, now it’s daunting me in the sink...)

7. A menagerie of kind and interesting queer people I call friends who accept me, challenge me, and whom I genuinely admire. 

8. Thinking of myself as Virgo (Rising) and Pisces (Moon)-- two polar opposites -- as part and parcel of my Gemini (Sun) nature, the need for duality and balance, journey and stability, concentration and imagination, running and floating, work and play. 

9. Alice Walker’s “In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens”

10. Eating healthier and more mindfully -- vegetables on my plate, thinking about my relationship to sugar, appreciating and enjoying food