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sometimes I see older people and I’m like... how do you do it? how do you cope with the loss of people and places and things as life progresses

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I lost my dad last Monday…the day I was supposed to start clinic…the most demanding part of my master’s program.

He killed himself.

My mom is telling everyone he had a heart attack and she wants me to say the same thing.

My sister and I tried to clean all the blood out of the floor where it happened…because my mom didn’t want other people to accidentally see.

Everyone who knows the truth is mad at him…and I’m mad at everyone else. Saying “suicide is so selfish” is one of the most selfish things you can say.

People who are lonely and in massive amounts of pain KNOW that they are burdens…not saying that people don’t love them…but there is only so much someone can do to let them know they care without completely dropping their whole life. Depressed, lonely, alcoholic people know that. They know that no matter how much time someone gives them…it will never save them from drowning.

I am drowning.

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The beauty of painted murals

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Update

I haven’t posted on here in a while. I had my last day of work on June 30. It was hard to say goodbye to the kids, coworkers and awesome supervisor(and the paycheck). My supervisor made me the sweetest gift, a “grad school survival kit”!

It’s been 3 weeks and I started to miss it after 3 days. Yesterday I had my graduate school orientation. I’m excited and scared....but I’m also sad because I wish I could have kept my job.

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today

Today I received my first paycheck as a SLPA and then got an e-mail notifying me that I’VE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL!!!! I was expecting to find a rejection letter and I was fine with it because I’m happy about my job and getting to work with kids....but WOW. I’m going to be an SLP!!! *cheesy cliche moment* It’s never too late to find your passion and make your dreams a reality. and in 10 days...I will be 3 years sober!

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Update

got my SLPA license on 2/8

started applying for jobs immediately

got my first call back within 8 hours of applying

interviewed several times with 3 different companies

received employment offers from all 3 companies

accepted an offer & got a SLPA job!!

online training starts tomorrow and the week after that I’ll be working with kiddos!

ALSO I reapplied to graduate school (should hear back by the end of the month or first week of April)

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Goals:

Harden my heart.

Continue pretending like everything is fine and not tell anyone because I’m a fucking burden. 😂

Remember that if people really care about you and want to know how you are…they will ask you..and not someone else.

Get into grad school.

Read more books.

Stay sober ❤️

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“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

— Louise Erdrich, from The Painted Drum (HarperPerennial, 2005)

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I’m looking for a new therapist...and I’ve got anxiety about it. It’s so exhausting to pour your soul out to someone and hope for a connection and not get it....and then repeat the process over. I was talking to my friend and started to cry. I said “what if it’s me? what if I’m too broken to be fixed and no one will want to take me on? what if my story is too overwhelming for any therapist?” she told me, “that will never be true. you will find some people who think you’re too much and others who wont turn away...and just remember that therapists have therapists too”

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when you want to go home, but home doesn't exist yet

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Clarice Lispector, tr. by Elizabeth Lowe, Água Viva

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(via 1344 by boxx2genetica on DeviantArt)

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Huck