lake2

[lake2]

they should invent a strap that lets me feel the way she clenches around me

[lake2]

Post Therapy Journal

So therapy day today, I just need to process. 

No EMDR today, I’m going on a trip and didn’t want to mess with opening up pandoras box before i’m supposed to be relaxing. Well, I would have done EMDR today, but I know my emotions lately have been taking a toll on my husband. I really want to have a good vacation and not be catatonic, ya know. 

Because of how I handled my trauma right after I was assaulted, I was in a big life transition from high school to college. I had no choice to slow down and process I had to just continue. I would go 100% and then be just bed ridden if I wasn’t at school or at work or killing myself in the gym bc I hated my body. And then after a while I stupidly got into a relationship that was awful and then went into a destructive phase. I never stopped and processed I just kept going. Like i just put myself on the airport conveyor belt even though I wasn’t moving, because I had to. I’m the oldest, I had to set an example, I had to stay on the path even though I was feeling so awful. 

Now that I’m opening all of this up, it’s so heavy. I’ve been bed ridden and so depressed. My social anxiety is horrible. I feel so behind and unproductive bc I cannot get out of bed. I’m like faking it too, my husband is pulling me out of bed in the morning to go on walks and then I’m like putting on a front until he leaves for work and then I’m in bed until 9am when I have to get online for work. I’m doing the bare minimum to show up at work. The end of the day when my husband comes home the fake it switch flips on and I get things done but then I go to bed early but I can’t fall asleep. 

I feel like I’m not progressing. I’m not moving forward. It feels so similar to how I felt at 17 and it’s scary. But, today my therapist was trying to get me to realize that maybe what I need is to give myself the space to be catatonic and process in that way because I didn’t allow myself to do that back then. The anxiety I get with the thought of just not doing anything is insane because I feel like I’m failing my husband and not living up to what he wanted our first year of marriage to be. I feel like a dead weight holding him back from where he wants to be in life. I feel broken again and I don’t know how to fix it. 

[lake2]

When even the crisis text line tells you they need to go. Can’t feel important to anyone

[lake2]

I want

1. A stylist to help me get the style I want

2. Narrow down my wardrobe

3. More storage space

4. Someone to clean my house and car

5. An updated house

6. No debt

7. All of the Funkos I want

8. All of the Harry Potter Legos

9. All of the Pokémon cards I want

10. Fully paid trips to Pokémon tournaments

11. A Pokémon mentor

12. All the shoes I want

13. My dog to get along with more people

14. Someone to motivate me to read

15. Sleep better

16. A personal trainer

17. A girlfriend

18. Someone to cook healthy food with

19. More time with my brother

20. My dad to actually notice our needs

21. More money

22. More vacations

23. Better classroom

24. Better athletic facilities for my teams

25. More coaching development t

26. More coaches

27. More safety and rights as a queer person

28. A running buddy

29. Someone who motivates me to spend more time outside

30. More getaways

31. My car grill fixed

32. My piercing to not have a bump

33. More tattoos

34. Not have finer nails

35. Someone to motivate me to shower

36. Straighter teeth

37. A new night guard

38. Someone to do my laundry

39. My dog to get washed and nails clipped and ears cleaned

40. My dog not to lick his paws raw from allergies

41. New windows in my house

42. A small camper

43. A 2-door Jeep Wrangler

44. No body hair

45. No boobs

45. Less feminine physical features

46. Someone who always wants to play board games

47. Someone more adventurous than I am

48. My friends to actually want to spend time with me

49. Perfect vision

50. No more Sports injuries

51. Run a marathon and qualify for Boston

52. Be good enough to qualify for Pokémon Worlds

53. Enough athletes to score points, and do well

54. More recognition

55. More resources to get the training I need for my job

56. My therapist back

57. My mom back

58. My depression and anxiety to get better

59. Motivation to work toward getting my depression and anxiety better

60. Better psychiatrists office

61. Lose 20 pounds

62. Be more fit

63. No environmental allergies

64. No food intolerances

65. Climate change to be reversed

66. Live in a country/world that actually cares about people and not just profit

67. To meet Brie Larson

68. To date Brie Larson

69. Younger people in politics

70. Being confident with my gender identity in all aspects of my life

71. More accepting people in the world

72. Be less self absorbed

73. Not have to take medicine

74. My thumb to feel better

75. Able to process my childhood

76. Able to process my assault

77. Apologize to everyone I have hurt

78. Spend more time with friends

79. Meet Nikki Hiltz

80. Meet Megan Rapinoe

81. Motivation to go to the gym

82. Able to get my bike on the rack by myself

83. More time to do things I enjoy

84. See more concerts of bands I like

85. Unlimited school resources

86. More relationships with my neighbors

87. More queer spaces in my area

88. Better ways to meet queer people than toxic dating sites

89. Faster internet

90. A new screen protector

91. Be better at hydration

92. My dog to live as long as me

93. Stronger muscles

94. More knowledge

95. More opportunities to speak Spanish

[lake2]

I miss my mom

[lake2]

I can have a good time and still want to die.

[lake2]

marie casays

[lake2]

[lake2]

[lake2]

-s.m

[lake2]

[lake2]

every day i aspire to be insane flirtatious androgynous and violent just like bugs bunny

[lake2]

Accidentally had sex toys on my bed, visible, when talking to my housemates tonight lol

[lake2]

Felt like dying this morning then had some Adderall and my will to live has returned

[lake2]

Just in the mood to no longer be alive today

[lake2]

My last day with my therapist was today. I have been dreading it for months, but it was actually ok. I will cherish that hug for a long time. I was ok for a few hours until some stuff happened with my dad that I wanted to talk to her about, and I didn’t have an outlet for it or someone to give me advice, and that was the hardest part.

[lake2]

Why do guys look awesome effortlessly? And it takes so much planning to look good in the same fits?!?