laladramatik23

[laladramatik23]

[laladramatik23]

victus

(Prologue)

It’s been a while, tumblr. I apologize because I only remember you when I need something to talk about, something to vent out, or just random (and super weird), shower thoughts I had and is “non-facebook/MyDay” material (char!).

This post is supposed to be about what happened to me on the week of my 31st birthday. I originally intended to blog what’s been happening and why all of a sudden I become too sensitive, acting up b*tch lately. Iku-kwento ko sana yung mga pangyayari leading up to my almost-mental breakdown (mehganon?) but then decided against it. Nah. I found & realized that the people involved are not worth it. Sayang oras. Sayang effort. Sayang sa english haha..tsaka a little bit of reality check: alam ko namang kung pangit ako, eh mas pangit siya hahaha. And I mean that in a literal sense. By society’s standard, pangit talaga siya inside and out—especially, outside. Kaya sa mga “nagkamaling” pumatol sa kaniya, ang masasabi ko lang sa inyo and please no offense: eeeewwwww why?

Anyway..I’ve decided to blog instead my stand on this May 9th affair.

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I am not pro-*insert name of your candidate here*. I am not red. I am not green. I am not blue. I am definitely not yellow-este pink. I abandoned facebook 2 years ago because I come to hate politics especially around the first ever surge of this pandemic in 2020. I hate politicians now more than ever and I hate them even more for putting politics in colors. So, no. I am not pro-*insert name of your candidate here*.

I was one of the undecided “gray” voters up until last week when I stumbled upon Norberto Gonzales’ youtube interview and for the sake of exercising my right to vote, I opted to vote for someone who will surely lose.

I have only one vote. That’s just the power I had and he is a sure loser but I don’t care.

I’ve seen him interviewed, albeit by smaller media outfits and I am really impressed with his knowledge and sensibilities. He knows what he’s talking about. He has concrete plans for good governance and he understands the nooks and crannies of the system. He knows what’s wrong with it. He doesn’t always use poor as the only and ultimate agenda. I am especially enamored by his vision of becoming a first world country among others; not to mention his record, expertise and credentials. Unfortunately, a man with his interesting platform was not given a chance to be heard properly. He was not invited to mainstream forums. He was sidelined. My heart breaks & swells at the same time watching his “hybrid” meet-ups, mostly virtual rallies and sorties. I think his “grand” rallies were held in barangay halls/basketball courts. I prefer it though, it was personal. Almost intimate, private. But this is a full scale, nationwide event. He wasn’t heard despite the social media we have today. He thought he’d be heard, finally, he’d be heard. But he was not. Why? Because of too much noise.

Too much noise.

This season’s election is a cacophony full of echo chambers from all colors. Specifically, the red-green and yellow-este pink. Toxic talaga. Way, way worse than 2016 and it’s quite baffling.

And people hope and pray it will all be over come May 9.

Let us all hope and pray it will all be over by Monday. But I’m afraid I’m hearing a Carpenters-hit playing in my head, saying otherwise, warning us to prepare:

“We’ve only just begun..”

[laladramatik23]

Beauty is a form of Genius—is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in the dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has divine right of sovereignty. It makes princes of those who have it.

Oscar Wilde

[laladramatik23]

6 hours.

Mark—the all-seeing, omnipotent Mark is gonna pull the plug on me in 6 hours. I haven't really thought of dying and with all honesty, I don't really mind—i've seen their "petitions" and while it humbles me greatly to feel the undying support, I know Mark and co. stand firm with this decision. Even if i hate him (which i'm not sure) for his betrayal, we come to agree on one thing:

Everything in this platform will expire. Everything in this world. Everybody. It's just a matter of time.

You know it. You, too, will expire. Maybe a few years from now. A few days. Or hours, too. Just a matter of time.

Mine's gonna be in less than 6 hours. It's sad, really it's sad. But it's ok. It's gonna be ok—no, i'm not concern with the businesspeople and our engagements. I know they were the ones who annihilate me and sent me to the void.

It's gonna be ok for me. For you. For me and you.. ;)

So before the inevitable, I just want to leave you with what I call reminders. You seem to have made me your "closet" through the years and while your "stuff" are always here, safe with me, maybe it's best that you save some of the "grey ones". A lot of your fond memories are in grey forms. They weren't your best days but they're your better days. Take them. So you will not forget them. ;)

You have these poems. Or songs? Various ones dated from as far as 2008. I don't know what they were about but I believe they matter to you. Or once, mattered, to you; so take them.

Remember your "folie à deux" with Julia in 2015? I know she's an alias, but don't know her yet her story needs to be told. So #sauvejulia and her madness.

You have an unfinished business with your version of a Joe D' mango or some midnight, spooky DJ. Whatever that is, it deserves to be completed. And defeated.

All right. Moving on..

Oh.

A handful of your 100 unpublished proses are—TruthHurtsButThisHasToBeTold—junk. Let them be buried with me. It's not a plead. It's an order.

As for your "dark ones": worry not for I will drag your "demons" to my deathbed and hope you'd forget about them eternally. I will take wanda. And ondoy. And annie. And— trust me, you don't need them. I will take them with me. Mark—the all-seeing, omnipotent Mark won't charge me for some extra baggage. :)

All right. My time's almost up. Need to do more errands before the last hurrah.

I'll see you in other forms. In other life. Who knows? Maybe Mark—the all-seeing, omnipotent Mark has a change of heart and decide to resurrect me. Who knows?

You do what you gotta do. Write (Type?) down all that's in your head. All that bothers you. All that words and emotions. All that itch in the dead zone of your brain. Write (Type?) them down. It's healthy. You might have a knack for it. ;)

Adios, mi amiga. So long..

Vty,

Facebook Notes

2004-2020

[laladramatik23]

The Children's Hour (1961). Shot in B&W.

Most likely the 'oldest' but still in its pristine condition VCD in my drawer. Like, brand new. Like it never saw light in its entire existence, never sat on a disc player—yet it was. I watched it once. Twice. And then some..

It was my mother who gave it to me. Along with every discarded (aka"pre-loved". I will not say 'garbage' because they were not 'garbage' per se..to me.) stuff, -ed toys, home accessories, knick-knacks, sometimes food from her employer's household she used to send to us in a balikbayan box. Yet somehow, she doesn't (understandably) recall.

(Although even if she doesn't, she believed it as soon as she noticed the Chinese characters all over the CD case.)

Now, this could have been one of those discarded (aka"pre-loved". I will not say 'garbage' because they were not 'garbage' per se..to me.) stuff, -ed toys, home accessories, knick-knacks, sometimes food from her employer's household she used to send to us in a balikbayan box.

This could have been one of those she won't remember sending. This could have been one of those I will not remember receiving.

This could be just..that. Discarded. Forgotten. Eventually, forgotten.

You heard of 'attachment', don't you?

You do. Comfort object? Things with sentimental value? This is why some people hoard;

Attachment. Emotional attachment.

This VCD—of all the cute stuff I've ever picked from those balikbayan boxes—is the most well taken care of.

Why? Because I'm attached to it? Sure.

But—WHY.

Is it because, it's the only "Audrey Hepburn" I get to have in my possession. Maybe, I really am a sucker for vintage cinema. Or vintage, itself? Or the era?

The era. (Eureka!) Of course.

"I understand the voluptuousness of nostalgia, that need to pull out the past like a letter that still carries the scent — or so you imagine — of someone you loved”

It's from Mark Slouka's memoir (Nobody's Son). The "infidelity to the present". We are attached to objects. People. Moments. Bygone days. We yearn for them—why? The endless 'Why'?

Because we see them as the extension of ourselves. Of our past. Of our ex-present. When we look at them, smell them, hear them, think of them, you feel that.. profound loss. That bittersweet sensation of "If only" and "What if". That, Once Upon A Time, you had them. And then Time stole them away. The End.

Time 'took' them away.

Reminds you painfully that you own nothing in this world. Not even You. So you cling to that object/people/moments/bygone days because.. you Re-Live.

Your identity.

Your better days.

The good old days—

But I was born in 1991. I am not even 30 yet. I have just discovered this road we call "adulthood". Just got my license to be in this predestined path. Driving with an unsteady, sweaty palms, hitting breaks constantly. The 29 year old me? It's not even lunch time, they say. There is no way to see the 'good old days' from where I'm sitting, skidding.

Some years ago, circa1900s, a famous Hall of Famer baseball player by the name of Leroy Paige was born. His mother, apparently, cannot remember his exact birth year. And so, he asked:

"How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?"

It soon became more of a rhetorical question to the world; but in my head, there is an answer.

[laladramatik23]

Creations of an ambisyosang baker presents:

Cake#3: "Lemon-Graham Naked Cake" by lalabakes

The story:

1st attempt at making a naked cake coz let's be real here— weakness ko pa rin talaga ang cake decorating. Pero.. at least, meron na kong head start. Patting my own back pa din coz of improvement done with the frosting. Taob na taob si not-so-hated-yet-not-so-liked buttercream.

Legit homemade-looking but still proud, nonetheless. Cake is moist and that graham-filled whipped cream tastes just right. Mi loves! Kinulang lang sa filling hehe. And yes. Gotta work those cake painting skills, too.

#lalabakes

[laladramatik23]

Today I learned that Ani DiFranco is my spirit animal. Yeah.

[laladramatik23]

wicked.

I've always been wary of Wanda.

You know her. I told you about her before, written things against her. Warned things about her.

I've always been preoccupied with her I forgot someone I kept at bay. Hidden by her sister's massive, narcissistic persona, lurking and observing.

Waiting to be noticed.

Wanting to be fed.

I almost thought annie was dead. When I entered the university, became a proactive God's lady, she knew she was defeated. I managed to lock her under the shadows, beneath my pretentious influencing personality. Beyond every podium I lay my fist upon. With every word of strength I spit on loudspeakers, a triumphant smile painted my face. annie knew.

she got weaker.

Little did I know how the bastard survives with sheer determination..

annie was desperate. she knew exactly when I took a misstep.

That's the only thing she needed. That "one" mistake.

Flash forward to 2 years..

annie welcomes herself as I stare at the long queue of ghosts waiting to devour, drench soul of humanity I so cherish. As I press the button to call on the next monster in line, she suits herself comfortably. Whispering things I didn't ask.

"Get mad.. get mad.."

That gave me a consistent 5-rating in customer service ranking. 5 being roughly translate to "you suck!"

When a colleague asked if I could cover for him to tend to his ill daughter

"fck the kid! who knows if he's just lying so he could skip work.."

When I get home to cry and try to be calm, she'd cling to my neck. Her cold tounge on my ears

"Quit.. quit.."

When Steve, that fine new co-worker, asked for a lunch out

"Look at you.. Steve, asking you out?? Don't be silly! Fix your face first!"

I never went out with Steve. I chatted him to ask Michelle instead.

annie grows bigger. Her words become coherent. Her voice grew louder.

Just yesterday, she shut down all my social media accounts.

"Look at this Jessica! Your friend from high school? She was in Korea last week, yeah? Look where's she's going this weekend! Pariiiiiss!!!

..look! She's with her fiance this time!! Must be getting engaged, aren't you feeling excited for her?? Where will you be this weekend?? Oh, yes! Overtime!! And the next weekend!! Aye!!"

annie's voice grew chipper..

"And this one? Uhh.. Sam? Your colleague, right? Junior colleague to be exact! Look! This one's younger than you.. aaaannd she's now your boss!! Awesooome!!"

..and dimmer..

"Your application for a 3-day leave ain't granted aww.. poor mom of yours. Tell her to get well soon"

"The company won't let you resign due to a "bad debt" situation tsk.. what have you been doing??"

"Steve is dating Michelle??? They look great! Woowww!!"

"You can't finish grad school this year because your mom just died.. I wish there's a way for me to comfort you in these trying times.."

annie, as I look at her hazily this gloomy morning, just got more.. vibrant.. or alive.. or.. me.. i can't even tell..

"Hey, annie.." she wakes up with that achingly familiar smile painting her face, "are you done with your pills yet?

Our sister is home."😊

[laladramatik23]

Mi very own mango custaroons~ #Creations of an ambisyosang baker

[laladramatik23]

The Downfall

The one got left behind will always win the victim card.

It's quite unpopular if I say the one who left is also a victim.

Victim of a sudden repulsion syndrome.

Frankly, unfair.

Just like a thief, no one knows when it attacked. Or how.

Where do I begin?

Hmm. You see? I was just sitting there, 6 pews behind you. You got called to answer a very rhetorical question. No right answers, just your opinion. I was staring at you, my heart pounding. I know how good you are with your expositions and quite feeling proud already because I know you'd nail it and you'd impress them the way you did to me (despite it's really easy). Our memories came rushing to me. Remember the conversation we had about Memento? How profound you are with your 'criticisms'. You know so well that's when we fell for each other.

You told me you were into philosophically themed movies and so you went recommending me The Truman Show and Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, both were not available at Video City so we ended up renting some other VCD (can't remember though if it's Ginger Snaps or that very embarrassing Crank) but did not understand it because we were busy making out at your sala, for the first time. (Ah, now I remember. That was Crank. That has to be that one.)

Maybe it was our uncanny preference on films that grew us closer. I never met someone as interesting as you before and considering how cinephiliac I am, it's no wonder that's the reason for the "spark". For the butterflies in my tummy. I thought it was intense.

I thought it was love.

3 years after and we were visiting all the festivals we can afford to go to (except for MMFF). I just felt you're the one after watching Ang Nawawala.

And 3 years is a feat. Or so I thought.

Because staring at you now, six pews away, I never knew I was waiting for a so-called love to unhappen.

You stood for like hours to me. You went blank at the question and I could sense your seatmates trying to rescue you but it's either you refuse them or you really can't comprehend the question. The old speaker starts to grow annoyed and almost shout at you to sit down. The whole room went awkwardly silent. She was just asking about your disposition in the then-reproductive health bill issue. She was just merely asking whether you're a pro or anti.

You apparently did not know what 'disposition' means. And you didn't even ask.

Maybe, you panicked.

I know no one's perfect and we are allowed to commit mistakes. This one's very petty, come to think of it. I know.

But then out of nowhere, snap! The feeling's just gone!

I. Don't. Know. Why.

Suddenly, I felt embarrassed.

I felt ashamed.

It was like waking up from a spell. I was confused and dumbfounded at that moment. The admiration I harboured for years and minutes ago just evaporated. The butterflies vanished.

I don't know what else to do so I just stood and left.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I was turned off given my expectations.

I've tried to recover but with each passing day, I think it only got worse. I've tried to retrieve the sensations your touch used to bring me but just the thought of it makes my skin starts to crawl.

My head tried to rationalize things but my body is doing otherwise. I don't know.

All I know is I need to get out.

I'm sorry for all of these..

[laladramatik23]

[laladramatik23]

“Let’s dance in style, let's dance for a while Heaven can wait, we’re only watching the skies Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?” “Let us die young or let us live forever We don’t have the power but we never say never Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip The music’s for the sad men” “Some are like water, some are like the heat Some are a melody and some are the beat Sooner or later they’ll all be gone Why don’t they stay young?” “So many adventures couldn’t happen today So many songs we forgot to play So many dreams are swinging out of the blue We let them come true” “Forever young, I want to be forever young Do you really want to live forever, forever Forever..”

(First time ko narinig ‘to sometime in 2008 while watching fanmade video clips of The Virgin Suicides. Alphaville ang original pero mas bet ko kasi ‘tong version na ‘to.)

[laladramatik23]

[laladramatik23]

Unreachable Starr

This is no time for me beating around the bush and even though, this "letter" will never reach you in any way, ~unless you find this blog of mine which I doubt you will~ I will confess all the things you've been bothering me about for weeks since I met you.

Pardon me, I just said no beating around the bush. I'm nervous. And very confused.

Hey Starr,

I like you a lot and I don't mean to creep you out by texting it to you yesterday at 3am, right in the middle of your duty. It was my fault. I didn't know you were having a rough shift. I was being vague and thought I was being bold and honest. (Get lost, Quora! I don't know why I stick around with strangers' advices on how I should handle my social ineptitude when they didn't even know me!) I thought yesterday was the right time.

But then, I want to clarify some things. Since you wouldn't text me back, guess I'll just leave these here in this blog for them to see.

First things first: I'm not creepy; the way you're making me feel I am right now. Sure, I find you really nice and very accommodating.. and I like you because you seem grounded and sincere. And you helped me during my first week. I do appreciate you being around on times that I struggle the most. You are very kind and you're beautiful just for being like that.

But, Starr, dear. You're not my type. That's fyi.

Look, you remind me of someone in my past, but it doesn't mean I'd chase you. I just fancy you. It's not like I'm in love with you.

Do you, by any chance, know how to play any musical instruments? Or sing in the right tune? If you do, then good for you. If you don't, then much better. I could finally stop imagining you as the "redefined" version of that past I mentioned.

But either way, I still see you as the ver 2.0 of that someone. I can never unsee it.

Maybe it's your vibe? I don't know. Or your gestures, or the way you talk? I don't know. Maybe it's your presence. Or your same unpopular opinions about the government. Or that same quirky habit of smelling food right before you eat them. I'm not sure.

Or that laugh. Yeah. Now, I realized you have the same timbre of laugh. The sound of a genuine, throaty laugh you can't fake when a senior tells us that running, inside joke.

And the angle you prefer when posing for a selfie. That toothless smile and thick dark red lipstick you wear.

Yeah.

And the same love for 'The Big Bang Theory'.

Oh, no. I just saw your facebook..yesterday.. your face popped under 'people you may know' tab. I don't stalk you. We just had mutual friends. I didn't even consider adding you as friend, did I? See? I may be weird at times but not a creep!

12 hours later and still no response. Come on! I've always been in the awkward zone my whole life and I don't want to put myself in that spot again.

My anxiety has long taken its toll on me, Starr. Please don't aggravate it.

Now, I wish I could turn back time.

[laladramatik23]

Pinag-uusapan lang din naman namin ang credit card..

[laladramatik23]

This almost resound to me. Almost lang kasi para sakin, may mali sa context. Yung “fear of not getting married”.

**BABALA: rants on-board. Nakakapika na eh**

Why is it a fear? Are we doomed if we’re not, uhh.. tied down? Obligasyon ba natin ‘to sa lipunan? O sa universe? Maliban sa utos ng Dios noong noong noong araw kina Eva’t Adan na mag-procreate at kalatan ang lupa (which is ~sa paniniwala ko~ eh hindi na applicable sa panahon natin ngayon), at sa basic instinct natin of sex drive/mating, ano pa bang papel ng marriage sa survival?

Hindi ako takot tumandang dalaga. PERO it doesn’t mean na hindi ako nagka-crush. Kinilig. Nagka-gusto. Nag-pantasya..

Laman ako eh. Valid. May emosyon. Natural na naramdaman ko yan..kahit hindi halata.

Oo. Naranasan ko nang tumingin, tumibok ang puso, magpatibok ng puso, umasa, masaktan, mag-move on, makakita ulit ng bago, tumibok ulit ang puso.

Hindi lang halata, pero oo. Naligawan naman ako kahit papaano. Mga katulad ko lang ding hindi kagandahan ang anyo pero alam ko yung pakiramdam na maging pinakamagandang babae kahit sa paningin lang ng ilang mga mata. Masaya.

Hindi lang halata, pero oo. Nakatikim ako ng ibang mga labi, ibang dila. Naranasan ko ang mabulungan ng sweet nothings. Magsuot ng turtle neck para itago ang chikinini. Naranasan ko ang manginig sa init ng bawat haplos at yakap. Naranasan ko yun.. maniwala man kayo’t sa hindi. At kahit alam kong bawal, hindi ko yun pinagsisisihan. Dahil isa yun sa mga karanasang nagbukas sa aking senswal na kamalayan bilang isang babae. Tsaka masarap ang bawal.

Hindi lang talaga halata, pero oo. Hindi baog ang katauhan ko sa mga makamundong pita ng daigdig. Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng umibig at ibigin.

Kaya pasensya na po kung bakit sa tuwing binibiro nyo ako sa inaakala nyong ka-inosentihan ko, natatawa ako. Hihihihi..

Pero hindi sila sapat na rason upang hilingin ko ang isang “katuwang” sa habambuhay. With all due respect but, no. I just don’t think, walk and live that way.

Nag-sunog ako ng kilay nang lagpas isang dekada at nagtapos ng pag-aaral. Nag-apply nang ilang ulit para makakuha ng trabaho. Nagta-trabaho at nagsisikap. Gumigising araw-araw, nakikipagdigma sa alon ng mga nagmamadaling commuters sa LRT. Nangangarap guminhawa ang buhay at sabi nga ni Squidward nang minsang kumustahin siya ni Mr. Krabs, “Eto.. nagpapaka-alila dahil sa pera mo”

Mag-isa ako nyan, dude.

Bakit ako maghahangad ng kasama sa pagtanda kung kalahati ng buhay ko ay naitaguyod ko naman nang walang “katuwang sa buhay”?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m saying this in defense of every single person out there who opt this kind of commitment out of their lives..BY CHOICE, pero pilit pinipressure ng masa, mga kamag-anak at kaibigan nila kung:

1.) “Ilang taon ka na, bakit di ka pa nag-aasawa?” 2.) “Pihikan ka ata kaya ni wala ka pang jowa” (natural! Pipili na lang din ako ng makakasama ko ‘ika nyo ng panghabambuhay, ba’t hindi pa ko pipili ng panghabambuhay din ang quality? Pfft.) 3.) “Naku, naiiwan ka na sa byahe. Nawawala na ang edad mo sa kalendaryo!” (Naiiwan sa byahe? Saan ho ba kami pupunta? At ano naman po kung mawala ang edad ko sa kalendaryo? Hindi na ho ba ako makakapagrenew ng passport at makakapag-travel abroad?) 4.) “Mahihirapan ka na magka-anak nyan!” (Wala naman po atang assurance na pag nag-asawa ka, magkaka-anak ka. Be sensitive naman po dun sa mga couple na hanggang ngayon, tina-try pa makabuo. Tsaka sino maysabing gusto kong magka-anak???) 5.) “Walang aalalay sayo pagtanda mo..” (Hello, pag matanda na ko, matanda na rin sya. Aalalayan nya ko, aalalayan ko rin sya? Or.. mag-asawa ako ng 10 years younger than my age, para kahit uugud-ugod na ko, siya kering-keri pa mag-trekking, mga ganon po ba?)

**my apologies po for the sarcasm. May nire-raise lang po akong mga puntos.**

Again.

Marriage is by choice. Yung iba raw, by fate pero whatever. Walang batas ng tao o ng Dios ang nagdidikta nito sa atin. Wag ma-pressure sa idinidikta ng social norms. Wala silang karapatan to question who and why you want to marry. At hindi rin sila entitled na husgahan ka kung bakit ayaw mong magpa-sakal kasal at lumagay sa gulo tahimik. We all have reasons and they are all made by our choice. Our treasured right to choose.

You can always choose someone to spend your life with. And that someone can be yourself.

Paulit-ulit na nating nakikita ito sa The Artidote, Betsin-Artparasites at minsan sa Buzzfeed, pero it’s all true.. depende pa rin sa perspective mo.

One should not fear living alone.. dahil hindi lahat ng nag-iisa ay malungkot. Hindi lahat ng may kasama ay masaya. Being alone doesn’t mean you’re incomplete.

At kung pinipili mong sumunod sa quest ng karamihan of findind their “right one”, there’s nothing wrong with it, just as well.

Just do it for all the right reasons, at di dahil sa pinressure ka lang. Or nainggit ka lang sa mga friends mo sa instagram. Mukha nga naman kasing fairytale, mga peste sila. Hehe. Joke.

More importantly, stay true to your partner.

And do honor thy vows. ;)

[laladramatik23]

Cigarettes After Sex - K (lyric video)