lalafafalala-blog - Tumblr blog

[lalafafalala-blog]

i feel something. it’s too weak to be anxiety or depression. but it’s too strong to be simple worry. a part of me feels sub-par in ways that my mind won’t let me discover, mainly because it knows i will only feel worse if i let myself see just how many ways i am sub-par compared to people i imagine filling this world. i’m trying not to let those thoughts get to me. i know i will only do damage and nothing less or more. i have to consume my thoughts with confident, kind, encouraging words and love. to help me get to where i want to be. where i am suppose to be. even if i am suppose to be right where i am. where i am suppose to be next. i don’t want to have “everything figured out”. i just want to feel right. something inside me where i feel home. so strong that nothing can change that feeling or make it go away. i guess i can leave on a good note by sharing how exactly i feel right now: close.

[lalafafalala-blog]

i only saw him twice essentially. when he picked us up from the airport and that one night. he’s tried to see me twice on his own. and then i left. he’s gone from my heart and life. and without a doubt have no intention of letting him back in. he broke my heart and so much more. i don’t need people like that in my life, especially if it’s a family member. because it’s more fucked up for a family member to hurt you like that. internally, mentally, wholeheartedly. i am hurt.

[lalafafalala-blog]

-korea packing list-

CLOTHING: 1) 20 underwear. 2) 20 outfits (repeatable). 3) as many socks you can find. 4) airplane outfit. 5) sports bar. 6) gym wear. 7) exercise equipment. 8) regular black white bra. 9) hats. 10) scarf. BAGS: 1) adidas backpack? 2) black backpack. 3) one purse. 

SHOES: 1) red running shoes. 2) walmart slip ons. 3) vans. 4) rain boots. MAKEUP. SHOWER/BATHROOM: 1) body wash. 2) purple shampoo/conditioner s 3) face wash/ charger clarsonic. 4) toothbrush. 5) leg pore remover + brush 6) hair cap. 7) bobby pins. 8) black hair rubber bands. 9) floss.

ELECTRONICS 1) kindle + charger. 2) phone + charger. 3) beats. 4) fitbit charger. 5) straightener + hair oil + style gel.

MISC. 1) sunglasses. 2) ID? 3) money. 4) journal + planner 5) pens+markers+ all journal supplies. 6) tampons? 7) perfume. 

[lalafafalala-blog]

10. 27. 18

9pm- plan outfits. 10pm- start packing. 11pm- skincare/ brush teeth + floss 11:30pm- three packs of cigarettes. walmart: laxatives + sweatpants for seung-min, jisu, saehun, sahmchun. 12am- text anna happy birthday. 12:30am- read book on kindle: take notes.  2am- sleep.  charge + beats. batteries for polaroid camera + film.

[lalafafalala-blog]

schedule: 10. 25.18

friday- gym (10:00).          - laundry.          - walmart: sweatpants.          - body shower.          - leave early for work to journal.          - work.          - sleep early.

saturday- gym (10:00).               - plan outfits.               - start packing.               - charge/find fitbit + beats.               - batteries for polaroid camera. film.               - leave early for work to journal- packing list.

sunday- gym (10:00).             - finish packing.             -body shower.             - paint nails.              - buy last minute makeup/ necessities ( before or after work).                        + don’t forget last paycheck.             - leave for work (3:40).             - finish packing for real!             - no beer. sleep at (10:40).

monday- wake up (6:00).              - gym at (6:30).              - shower (7:45).              - get ready (8:00).              - leave for airport (9:00).              - flight at (12:00).

[lalafafalala-blog]

things that make me happy and grateful: 10.25.18

1. my mama understanding me more than ever before- our relationship.

2. being 5 months sober from weed.

3. not getting stressed for my future.

4. i’m cute and i don’t have to wear makeup or eyelashes anymore.

5. my progress in overcoming the fact that i was sexually abused as a child.

6. getting a kindle and laptop for my birthday.

7. being more than enough to my mom for simply being me and just me as a human and daughter.

8. tina.

9. ed realizing everything.

10. maki,

11. making money.

12. being able to travel for free.

13. having a backup career wise from iishii.

14. finally finding a good psychiatrist. 

15. being able to get my surgery through insurance.

16. beer. 

17. all my meds.

18. my hair color.

19. my artistic and creative capabilities.

20. grace.

21. jenni.

22. having a car.

23. being able to drive like a badass boss.

24. my fabulous taste in clothes. everything in general.

25. figuring finally how to get rid and what exactly was wrong with my foot’s dark spots.

[lalafafalala-blog]

things that give me anxiety + stress: 10. 25.18

1. being fat and binge-ing. not at my goal weight yet, and i leave for korea in 4 days.. i need to lose 10lb in 4 days....

2. not getting the amount of compensation from sankyu that i deserve.

3. packing and planning outfits for korea.

4. having to paint my nails.

5. feeling so tired and exhausted even when i take adderall. 

6. not getting good sleep.

7. being fat!!!!!! having to lose 10lbs in 4 days!!!

8. having not gone to the gym in over a month.....

9. needing to go to the gym tomorrow, the day after that, and the day after that.

10. maki.

11. my teeth.

12. my skin- never taking care of it..its getting bad. i’m getting so many wrinkles, clogged pores, and scars from picking at them. (face)

13. having a ruined and uncomfortable and painfully awkward ties with my brother’s wife. 

14. just feeling less that content these days as of late.

15. my mood.

16. finding a therapist that won’t pass me onto someone else.

17. my surgery and finding someone to perform it. 

18. ruining my health and mind and well being and body from my eating disorder. 

19. money.

20. my left ring finger being in pain and fatter than ever before.

21. not being appreciated at sankyu like i should be without a doubt.

[lalafafalala-blog]

10.24.18

when i see maki’s face, it’s like the world stops, thoughts stop, pain stops; just for that moment. it’s both concerning, worrisome and just so damn pleasurable. why am i so attracted to him i don’t know, but i wish it would stop.

[lalafafalala-blog]

- wed. 10. 24. 18 -

i was in a good mood this morning, but now it’s coming to the evening. i feel  bit irritated, agitated, bored, lazy, annoyed, tired, angry for no reason. i had the day off today because the restaurant is closed on wednesday. so morning, i went to walgreens and picked up my first ever prescription for 20mg adderall instant release. took it around 9:40 am, and didn’t feel a thing. which was disappointing because when i took it with jamie from compass, it felt so euphoric every single time for hours. and didn’t with any sort of come down. but yeah i was yawning all day and didn’t feel a thing. anyway, then i went to walmart and bought this laptop for $214.00. which blows my mind how affordable it is. now i can give my ipad to my mama and she’s going to be really happy about that. anyway, after walmart i went home and cleaned the kitchen and the office room which is now my room. mama took waffles to work with her today. wish she kind of didn’t because i miss him now. even though i told her to take him because i thought i’d be more busy today. i should be doing laundry because i leave for korea in 5 days. but this is what i’m saying, i feel so lazy all the time. i’ve literally only gone to the gym once in 2 1/2 months which is crazy and unlike me considering i used to go everyday. but at least working at the restaurant has been helping me lose weight. for some odd reason, i don’t seem to be that excited to go to korea this time. i don’t know why. i feel like it’s going to be overwhelming and stressful. i really miss seung-min though. i’m excited to see him. but i think that’s also why i feel like it’s going to be stressful and not as exciting because i feel like he doesn’t want to spend that much time with me. i wish i could spend everyday with him again like last time. but i know that’s not going to happen. he never calls or messages me anymore and that makes me sad. i hope he still misses me. i hope he doesn’t think i’m weird and annoying and borderline creepy. anyway, expressing how i feel on this page is kind of relieving my irritated mood. 

i have one cigarette left so i have to go to the gas station and also get gas. but again i feel so lazy that simple tasks seems unbearable to take on. i’m also stressed and disappointed in myself because i keep binging at night and deterring my progress every day. i should have reached my goal, or i would have reached my goal like a month ago, if i just could be stronger to fight the urge to binge. it’s so disappointing. i hate it. it makes me hate myself. 

so re-realized how i often don’t breathe. so i’ve been trying to be more aware of that and take deep breaths. it helps when i’m being consistent with it, but i soon often forget after a few seconds, which isn’t good. it makes me feel more tense and uncomfortable and stressed.even though i have medication for sleep, i haven’t been getting good sleep as of late. i don’t know why, i keep waking up after like 2-3 hours of sleep. it’s not good. i hope i get good sleep tonight. 

anyway, i should go, i don’t where or what to do. but going to leave this for now. thank you for listening. bye.