laldila-menu

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila #11

сайн уу

16:29:03 September 18, 2021 - houston, texas

I’ve been through a lot. The last few months, over the summer, especially with you. I’m being tested in a multitude of ways with people, myself, and life. I’m trying to finish you for myself. And put you behind. I guess for my own sake. No matter how many people tell me you and I are impossible, and maybe we are I can’t know that, and no matter how many times it seems like its impossible for me to love you again, and no matter how much you love someone else. I have that gut feeling, the same one that told me not to tell you that I love you, the same one that told me I had a bad feeling about you. That same gut feeling, I think this time is telling me to wait. Move on but wait. Regardless of how hard I try to love someone else, regardless of the hours I can spend staring at other women, regardless of the hours Ill keep myself busy with something else. I’ll think one thing. Ill think about where you are right now, and what you’re doing. The funny thing about that is that, a few months ago that was the hard part, I never knew what you were doing, and I could never find out, I never had the resources. Now you’re back on Instagram, Snapchat, I even have your number. But you have no idea how painful it is for me. You have no idea how it feels when I hear your name, even when its referenced to someone else. It feels like that... its indescribable. I love- or loved- you so much that, I actually would do anything for you. I kept my head up, when you spit in my face, cursed at me, kicked me, it all felt okay. Because as those words came to life, its like they automatically turned to rose petals coming at my face that were blown by the wind. And I’m positive that you only said those things to get over me as soon as you possibly could. And it was so much easier for you to just move on because you were living that first hand. But for me, I still thought. I shouldn't have thought. I waited, maybe I shouldn’t have. And to this day I wonder, if you’ll ever see this. I don't think these are in anyway poetic, I’m not good with words, never was. But I truly poured my feelings into this. I’m not sure me-n-u. Believe me, I have tried so hard to move on. To get over it, I have no idea how you did it. But I’m sure, if we ever had that chance to sit down, I don’t know what would happen. I don't know anything. I think that's the one thing that hasn’t changed since I’ve met you, or ever. I just never know. 

faithfully, with, or without, love. 

l’aldila 

sain uu

16:42:10 - courtyard

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila #10

hey

00:38 june 12,2021

I don’t know how I got this font but it’s chill i guess. yemin ederim you’re going to drive me crazy. your laugh, your smile, the way . i fricking missed you so much menu. and it’s killing me not knowing. you’re such a fricking amazing person and i wish i could just wake up tomorrow to your fricking presence. being in the same zoom call with you feels like being home. i swear to god i have no idea how you feel, i have no idea what you want. i just hope it doesn’t randomly change one night. and you stay here with me. lying.

i love you.

love

laldila

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila #9

oi

00:24 june 9 ,2021

i’m on my phone right now so you’ll have to excuse my lack of cool fonts or short writing. so i guess things are kinda weird now? not even weird just so aahhhhhhhhhh. i don’t know that word mang i’m just chilling and waiting, trying to make you feel as comfortable as possible. i’m worried of ever even giving you a single drop of doubt or single feeling of uncomfortableness, and if i were to ever see you how could i ever look you in the face? i honestly imagined that i wouldn’t ever get to talk to you again. i still haven’t taken off my bracelet in hopes of 01.25.2025z i recently changed my phone password to 072025. all i can do is pray. and make sure i don’t get too excited. I know everything is bound to change at any second through anyone at any place. if i expected anything less than who would i be. btw “perhaps we could meet at an early time” omg you have no idea how i cracked up when you wrote that ! perhaps! i love you so much bro. you have no idea. as told me when she opened the ft with you she saw you and was like she was so cute i get why you’re so into her. obviously you are cute but you are so much more than that to me menu. oh lord i almost wrote your name. aight so it’s currently 00:30 i have to wake up at 3:45 then drive 3.5 hours at 5 to pick up stuff than drive 2.5 hours than drive 1.5 hours. maybe i’ll get to see you. or better yet, talk to you. after all, they say… that’s weird apparently it translates to love? love is sweeter than love? i guess conversation is a sort of love:) i swear to you, i’m trying my hardest in stopping these horrible habits, i swear to you i am trying my best to just make you feel comfortable. i love you, whether or not you end up with me. loving i think, is being able to want the happiest and best for those in your life, whether or not that plan includes you. it makes me so happy seeing these kids progress through the year. i love you menu.

it was portuguese but i can’t do that cool. thing

00:34

faithfully and lovefully

ps had to edit so i could put title

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#8

Hei

04/10/2021 03:22:44

heyyy, its been a while. both since we've actually talked and since I've actually written here. but I've really missed you. I think for the first time I'm actually going to text you tomorrow because I really need to about this new thing. I talked with our mutual friend and he was like you can bro and I think I should. I hope we workout and me texting you won't backfire on either of us. cause I really fricking miss you and more importantly I think youre really gonna like this idea and I think you can help a lot. its more than just the two of us here the importance of idea supersedes both of us and I have no idea how I even had the smallest doubt in my heart that you would let our history come in the way of this. I just hope that it doesn't turn out the way I previously thought it would and everything indeed works out the best possible way. in other news, I currently failed my cs class and am dropping it, gonna take it again next semester, I really wonder what you would say about that lol. I bought MacBook Air secretly from my parents cause I seriously couldn't take it anymore but it has seriously been one of the best investments of my life. Im really trying to get rid of this stupid addiction and lately its been a bit better. with the months changing hopefully ill be more inspired and I just really want it to end for more than just you or me. I need to stop for the entirety of everyone. I really love you me-n-u. :) I just remembered why I even put the blogs name is ‘me-n-u’ u fricking cutie. I love you, I hope you know that. and I always will. my sister told me she got closure and for the first time she felt free and maybe I needed that. maybe I do but I don't know, cause regardless I'm in such a weird place right now. I really miss you holding me and knowing that I could tell you I love you. 

poop

alright now I'm done:) 

03:28:29

Indonesian-pronounced the way it looks lol:)

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#7

00:56 02/02/2021

Mwaramutse

It’s February :) A lot has changed. I think at least? We had those few awesome days where it felt like everything was just you and me. I had forgotten about all my worries. Then you said you were scared of waking up one day and falling out of love. And I hope not because of that but ever since you’ve never talked to me the same. I love you, and I hope I don’t have to wait, and I hope I didn’t lose you, but if any of those happened, I’ll wait, and I’ll wait. And I’ll see. God knows best. Dostluklar birden biter mi? Bir kardes selaminda seni aramak var ya, bu hep boyle boyle gider mi? The winter storm had me thinking about you the whole fricking day and I texted you and I already knew something was off. And I knew the second I sent the text I shouldn’t have. I hope God is protecting you. And I hope we both change for the good. And I hope our change doesn’t separate us, but rather increase our love for each other. It hurts man:) my heart... Give me a sign, something. This is my call for help. I’m fine but I want to see your light. I need to grab a stronger hold of myself. I need to find myself and my own light but I still would really appreciate yours. Holding myself, convincing myself that regardless of what happens it will be worth it. We will be worth it. Allah im sen bizi koru. Kendine iyi bak. Just be happy, and I swear I will be happy for you, I hope you get the best within the next couple of months. 

I love you me-n-u.

sincerely,

me

Kinyarwanda-Mwaramutse (I guess its pronounced how it looks, also I capitalize stuff now but I guess you stopped? :))

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#6

23:00 12/03/2020

හෙලෝ

hey, its december now:). hasn’t snowed an inch. and it was around this time last year that my feelings really started to take shape for you. it was today that i gave blood and you told me you wouldve held my hand. its unfortunate cause i feel so bad for not taking your hand that day but at the same time i know that i shouldn’t have ever touched you. it was wrong for me to ever, cause it wasn’t my right and i violated my limits. i wish we couldve just kept it at our looks. honestly the look after first period was enough for me:). knowing that i killed you made me happy:))))). so yeah its been a while and you deleted your instagram account for real this time but hey, stuff works out. ive just gotta be patient. im really stressed cause all the other big mentors and teachers are gone because of covid and i need to help upstairs with the kids tomorrow when i have like five projects that are due and a million homeworks. i love how cs is killing me the most but its possibly the subject i enjoy doing the most. ive gotta put more work in. i also need to put more work in for that quantum course were taking. i barely do the homeworks and im so behind on the lectures. it would honestly be the perfect excuse to hang out with you. and i know bergen shut down because of covid stuff and i hope youre doing okay i was really curious and im sorry but i had to make sure. also i had asked your sister a few weeks ago after i heard there was an outbreak at your school. right now im an office hours btw for my cs project cause i am so god dang behind its cool though. graph theory is possibly the most interesting thing we’ve studied this semester. i relapsed a lot during my last write on here but im working on it. and its the most important thing for me to get rid of this addiction once and for all. its consuming me alive and it confli. im back. icts with my views. god i hate college ive been wating for my turn in office hours even though ive been here before everyone except three people. i have to take a final tomorrow and i have this cs project due and everyone is missing.i really miss talking with you. it was so relieving knowing you were there for me. i found your discord through the class but im scared to hit you up. i know i definitely shouldnt email or discord you but at the same time i dont want to wait for you to make the move. ill wait:)) i really just want to sleep im so tired of all this. 

faithfully,

l’aldila 

00:28

helō- sinhala

[laldila-menu]

im actually laughing rn

14:13 10/19/2020

i wrote something happy and missing you and then you disable your account:))) oldurcen beni

14:14

love, 

l’aldila

[laldila-menu]

you know what i miss

your nails. when i would hold your hand, and rub your thumb nail. that would be the best thing ever. also that pic of you on the brooklyn bridge with your hands in your pocket is so frickin cute. youre cute. and youre just you ya. like honestly fricking menu. youre you. and you make everyone so happy. and i just love you for everything you do. everything. and who you are. and your goals. and your aspirations. and your dedication. and just everything about you. i hope god gives us a happy life and ahappy ending as friends and more than friends. i love you

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#5

Halo

hey, 

i think it was like 00:52 when i started writing?

hope youre doing alright. i know last time i sounded angry and im genuinely sorry for that. i didnt want to scare you and there really is no excuse. it was because i started overthinking you again so much in my mind and that made it so toxic for me. so i promise you i wasnt angry at you, just myself and the ideas in my head. i just want you to know i appreciate you, and i love you, and i miss you, and i dont think youll ever end up reading this unless you somehow miraculously convince me to let you or you somehow end up finding out about it. its not that im scared youll find it, but what if you see all these times that i was really angry and think that thats how i feel towards you. i dont want that. cause i almost only wrote here to get things off my chest, so this may be the first or second time im writing here to write here. i miss the smell of you on my sweatshirt, and your lips on my face, and your hand in my hand. i miss all of those things, but more than that i missed your presence. knowing that you were there. its been really nice these past few days talking to you and just being freinds. and trust me thats all i really want for now. when you finally admitted that what you said was sacmalik:))))) that made me really happy. one, because well that means you like me as something more still like i do and you know ill be able to love everyone but youre differnt. and two because you admitted you were wrong (laughing emoji). i love you. im smiling so hard rn. i look at this window and i can see the place we had our first kiss. you know i would never ever ever think those words would come out of my mouth, or in this case my mind. like i never would think that i would have a first kiss. you are definitely just smoething else menu. i almost wrote out your nameeeee:)). recently ive been doing better on the whole not touching myself and looking at other girls thing. butttttttt ive been trying to look at social media less but because were texting im always tempted to check my phone more. i cant let you be my weakness again and exaggerate us in my head. but heres the thing, recently ive been imagining you and me skating a lottttttt. like holy crap that would be so much fricking fun. and just enjoying you and your presence alone. i imagine you going to hold my hand while i drive us to the skatepark but honestly we should probably just go as friends and that would be soooooooooo fricking coooolll man. i really want you to go to Cornell because i want you to be happy and just have the time of your frickin life:) and i believe in you and want you to get to the highest places, and im always here. i know youre not one to talk, and i realized before i would always try and change that with you and thats one of the biggest mistakes i made, trying to fix you when i shouldve just waited and loved you for who you are. and i do:). i love you for you ,menu:). i love you when atmak trip and i love you when you refuse to talk but im still able to get you to open up and talk to me. and i do that because i love you and im interested and ive just found thats what helps me the most. obviously everyone is different but communication is key. the thing with Cornell is is that its far:) and also youre gonna be with so many people, which includes boys, and i dont want anyone to hit on you. you may not know it or maybe you do, but youre still mine:)). look point is im really happy were friends again and hopefully more happens and we dont make the same mistakes. also you left me on read and idk if it was because you didnt wanna talk, or you were busy, or sad, or you just forgot and i saw but didnt text back for a while because idk i dont want to come off too strong. like what if you just dont want to talk? idk but im always here and honestly im always down to talk. cokkkkk konusuyom. i have to go watch my math lectures and finish up one my writing class papers. love you so much. like i love you soooooooooo fricking much. and i had a dream about us the other day and it was just so fricking cute. we were somewhere and like the part i remember the most is when i hugged you by the waist and you were trying to do that thing where you pretend try to get away because im surrounding you with kisses, and you look back and you give me that look. like that menu look. the you look. you may not know which one im tlaking about but its something you do. and when you do that look you kill me. like youre smiling, and the way your eyes look at me, and just the peace i feel, and in that moment its just us. no one. nothing. even though they can feel us its just you and me. and just you. more than anything i miss our connection. again i love you so much.

01:08  10/19/2020

wow its been a while

faithfully and lvoingnilyin,

l’aldila

sundanese - halo

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#4

13:52 10/12/2020

hola

its been a while. you erased yourself from my earth and i didnt talk to you for 30 days. 30 fricking days. which i was fine with. and i swear to you i was okay with it because i respect your space and i had to work on myself. my idea of you in my head was so disformed. i still only had sex in my mind and i had somehow justified the idea of porn and masturbation. but i have been trying to stop. i swear to you i am trying. so far im doing fairly good. because i am tying myself to god. and i understand that i dont need you to be happy but that doesnt change the fact i love you. and you know i wasnt going to hit you up until i felt completely ready after fixing myself but i think you made one of the worst mistakes by hitting me up first. i wasnt ready, and you messed with my head so badly, i dont think you understand. i was constantly checking your messages, and im not like you, i stillo fricking love you menu i still do. and i care about you to the max. i dont want to tell you anymore cause i dont think you want to hear it. all you want is to see it. and ill show you. even if you dont see it ill show you because i truly care about you. first as a human being, then as my friend, and maybe just maybe more. i dont understand why you felt obligated to take his chocolate or why you would say something like youre gonna have to try harder than that to get my number but i cant judge you, and i wont. and telling me stuff like that, i dont know, how could that possibly make me feel great. and obviously not everything you tell me is gonna be good, but... but menu you dont understand that we had something more than just a friendship, even if you dont want to admit it. and i understand that you might not want anything more and youre just chilling but hes not, and if you want him to stop then tell him. im done trying to change people because thats what ruined us. i realized i never shouldve told you your flaws even when you forced me, i can only foster in environment where we can think of our own flaws and change ourselves. i told you that budging in your life would never be good, but you told me to. you said karis hayatima, karistim ve biz boyle olduk. are you kidding me, i fricking love you. you need to understand the weight of your words and sentences on other people. i swear to you all i want is your happiness. even if i dont end up with you, which fricking hurts to think about, all i want to know is that youre happy, i dont want to know anything else. and honestly catching up, hearing how your life is going, it made me really happy:). i know it sounds like i hated on you a lot just before, but im really happy for you menu. im happy that youre starting to find what you were looking for. when we first met you told me you wouldnt go anywhere but that naval academy, and now youve forgotten about all academies and want to go to cornell. i secretly dont want you to get in and come to rice so i dont know i can know youre safe. but thats just my nefis, i really do want you to get in, and i want you to go whereever youre going to be happy, and ill be there every step of the way. just please consider who youre talking to, cause seriously sometimes the stuff you say just rubs salt on my wound. and as for the skating thing holy crap you have no idea how jealous i am. the fact that you can probably do better ollies than me is killing me. you motivated me so hard im going to go ride my skateboard everyday so i can learn more tricks than you:).

i love you menu. i seriously do, and i really want you to be happy. i trust you and your ability to deal with everything. and i will never judge you, i want you to know that. just be happy, no matter what. thats my favorite thing about you. no matter what, you always came out victorious. you made your own victories. you were always happy, and you always came back. and i admire that about you. i want you to know that i love you as you. you dont have to change, and i never wanted to force anything on you. and i never will. i hope to see you soon, even though it doesnt sound like you want to see me:).

faithfully, 

l’aldila

14:06 

spanish:) i know you already knew this one, but i had to put it. i hope you get to teach me spanish for the rest of my life as something more than just a friend.

hadi bye.

[laldila-menu]

heyyyyyyy i feel like if i admit i feelings to you .//.L:DA><p

o

p[0i-

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#3

00:36 09/19/2020

Привет

hey :). i hope youre doing okay. I think its been two weeks or a week idk ive lost count since ive last talked to you. actually its been eleven days i just counted, i hope you didnt erase yourself off the face of the internet because of me. bro i love you menu. i hope when you said i dont love you anymore that it wasnt it. ill wait. i realized that i truly was so selfish. when i go back to read our conversations i remind myself how bad a person i was and how i let my hormones take over our relationship. i told you on that december evening in the parking lot that i loved you. that conversation started by a text that you sent me. telling me id have to tell one of you that i dont like that person so that theyd could move on. by that time i had already made up my mind that it was you. i look for your picture everywhere, your text on my phone, your good morning texts and more. you, the oblique form of xyz. i didnt deserve you, still dont. i corrupted you and us. and back to my point about that night. after you texted me i told you. i told you that i was scared that if i told you how i felt, id want more than just what we had as friends from our relationship, which happened, and that i was scared id ruin any chance i could have with you in the future, which i dont know. it kinda sucks but is also kinda lit not knowing what God has planned for you. you make me feel some type of way. i hope i see you at some skatepark or randomly outside and that everything was just a fricking poopoo imagination and you had to fake it or something. i literally checked the white pages with your old number to see if maybe you got it back or something. i literally considered EMAILING you when you first shut down everything. EMAIL. goddamn i love you but maybe you blocked me from there too. dude i could be happy with anyone too like honestly. i have no feeling in me thats forcing me to say i want you. but if you were in my future as more than just my friend id be really fricking happy. and i dont wanna exaggerate my feelings/want to be with you, cause what if i get it and then i just throw it out like a toy. im content with anyway God has willed for me. More than content I am happy. whether im with you or not but AGAIN I FRICKING SUCK AND I WA TNTHAT THING SAPDJFH IOHWIJ HRF. whatever. lifes been interesting. i really wanna know whats up with you and your new school. i know so many people that go there apparently and i wonder how theyre treating you. if anyones hitting on you i swear i will break them . im sorry but i will. i want you to be mine. and idk what condition your bracelet is in, but mine is kinda like ripping one of the beads so im gonna glue it just in case. alright i think i should probably end this but seriosuly i miss your presence in my life as my friend. and maybe thats selfish but i love ou for you. i shouldnt have let you let me talk more and only listened to you. whats up with you? how do you honestly feel? hows stuff at home? what are your plans? and just one honest conversation with you. when you said for the first time in this relationship were gonna do what i want. i honestly felt like crap and didnt know if i was too assertive. i know i definitely was when it came to physical and i fucking hate that. sorry for cursing but i seriously hate myself for those sitatuions. anyways, i love you. 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxx

i dont wanna fall out of love but i cant stop it for now, wonder what the future holds?

sincerely, 

l’aldila 

i cant believe you never listened to that song. like theres so much you still dont know about me and like wise so much more i dont know about you. dude i fricking love you. 

fucj i love you so much, so many songs remind me of you. you said you loved me too fast, summer(my time with you the best time of my entire year) ended too fast. we rushed man, next time im gonna trust my instincts. you made me vulnerable which is more than okay, i honestly liked it. i loved you, but then stuff changed, and i think i imagine kissing you a lot but recently i feel like my love for you went back to the innocent way it was at first. breaking my heart tearing my heart tearing me down 

heres the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VJGBlSYabY

love you fr

00:57

privet-”russian”

[laldila-menu]

imaginary you

me

[laldila-menu]

note

btw since I chose the pfp you can choose the background? or you can do whatever you want tbh. love you

it sucks im writing to imaginary you. 

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#2

1:13 09/05/2020

नमस्कार

I don’t know how I should feel. I have hope everything’s going to workout. Did I really make you your saddest when  I was with you. Every moment I was with you and without you, which wasn’t really possible cause I always felt you, was so happy. You made me feel something else menu. I may sound like a kid, but it’s not fair. I want to tell you stuff, but I feel like I can’t spill it out. My sister recommend I read “Black Swan” a book to help people through a loss of love. Sometime I think I’m going crazy, when in reality, I know I’m good. You hurt me. And we never acknowledged it. When I wanted to talk about it, I asked you if you wanted the long version or the short one and you said the long. Maybe it was wrong of me to expect for you to say the long. But I thought you cared about what I wanted to say. We can’t force people to love us. Even if we could, would that really be love. It pisses me off that you’re not mine and you talk and see more people than me. And seriously I’ve never expected anything from you. But I thought that the promise I made to you also applied to me. I cried on that plane after I kissed you. When you put on this bracelet, I said I wouldn’t take it off. You’d have to take it off for me. I stick by my word. I’ve never taken it off and won’t until you, or the next and hopefully final person in my life does. I hope both of those people are you. But if you aren’t I’ll move on. We’ll move on because life is bigger and more important than an individual. How do I talk to you when you don’t want to talk to me. If we’re meant to be, I hope we’re closer than... I don’t know, what’s two things that are really close? Anyways, if we’re not meant to be though, I hope we’re put on two opposites of the globe. Screw you dude, not really, but like how can you just do this to me. You completely ignored me on that night in the tent next to Jesus when I texted you while stargazing. And this is going to be kind of an oxymoron I think, but sorry for always saying sorry. I truly, sincerely, actually, sorry. I really want to cry right now. I learned today that apparently S’s first neighbor was you. I really miss your smile, and that laugh where you stop in the middle and smile, And the way you’d look into my eyes, like you were the only thing that was there. It didn’t matter where, or who we were with. It was just me-n-u :). I don’t even think it was me who initiated the physicality at first. I distinctly remember you sent me a pic winking with the caption: “clothes are 100% off” :). I’m sorry... :) No but seriously I definitely had  a part in it. Look bro, normally you’d say baktim but I don’t know if you really did. You taught me a lot. And I can’t even rush you for an answer cause the answer you give now won’t matter. But at the same time, what if I’m just hoping that you still like me and this is all temporary until you actually can like me but in reality that actually doesn’t exist. God will bring us back together if were meant. Maybe I will go to the moon, and if God wills, we’ll be back together even after being separated for literally millions of miles and not even being on the same planet. I feel like I haven’t told you this in a really long time, I love you. More than you can imagine man. I love you 5′3. Do I have to leave? Would you want me to? Or should I stay. I’ll always be with you so don’t worry.

faithfully, i feel a lot better saying that today, l’aldila

ps: maybe ill share this link with someone so they can share with you just in case. 

1:35 

marathi-”namaskara”

[laldila-menu]

l’aldila#1

01:30ish I think 

こんにちは

You once wanted to start each journal entry with hello in a different language. i’m adding this after signing it but maybe you’ll still appreciate it. kisses

I didn’t even know the meaning of l’aldila before I started this blog. Apparently its a French horror movie. Maybe we’ll watch it together some day. I think I’ll rant here. About you. No one else will probably see it. It was three months ago when M recommended I do something like this. I shouldn’t have ignored her and gone with her advice. Maybe we wouldn’t be here today.

I’m not necessarily upset with the way we are now. I just find it upsetting the way you make me feel. I feel trapped yet free. I feel confused yet have faith. I’m sure but I’m not sure. Before, we named our descendants, cried, and did a crap ton more together. Now,  I’m writing this at a time where we’ve both taken different directions. I thought I would be closer to you right now even though I’m supposed to be farther, half way across the country. However, I’ve never felt farther to the person I felt the closest to. I hope that this is all just an act and that truly underneath everything still exists. I’m holding on to hope but I don’t know if I should move on. I want to ask you but I don’t know if you’ll understand wrong and tell me to just move on when that’s the last thing I want. I understand we can’t be a thing right now. And that’s why I understand why you maybe said all that stuff to end the toxic thing we had. But what if you didn’t and I’m wishfully thinking. Just give me a sign so I can be sure. Who knows whats written for us. One of the most impactful moments with you was when I was telling you about Fatima. From The Alchemist. Maybe I just need to be patient like Fatima. Wait for the wind to bring you back to me. That one word, “maktub”. I said it to you more than I said “I love you.” Maybe my actions should match with my words. What if I stopped talking to you because of the way I feel. Whenever I do, I feel like crap. The reason why I also put “menu” in the name of this blog was because once you sent me an Instagram photo of yourself since you refused to use snap. The photo said something along the lines of something something me-n-u. I thought it was the cutest thing. I still think its the cutest thing. You’re the cutest thing. I messed up really fracking hard. From the beginning I told you I couldn’t trust myself and no one ever really can. I know you forgave me but from that day on I felt the change. I could never expect you to trust me again. But I’m changing by the will of God. I said I would always try my best regardless and I will. I promised you on that plane that I would never leave you and by the will of God I never will. i told myself “l’aldila-, don’t B.S. this promise later on by saying, “yeah yeah I meant I was never going to leave you as a friend” you’re never going to leave her period.” It’s crazy. I hope I was wrong. I hope I’m wrong right now. At first M recommended that first, I stop talking with you, but before that I share the username and password for this blog so that you and I could write on here whenever we missed each other. I should’ve listened to her. Because if I had, maybe you would’ve understood that I don’t need to talk to you 24/7 to be in love with you. You’re going to tell yourself “No but that’s what I was telling myself.” Don’t. You know why? Because I never would. You stopped talking to me for ten days, I didn’t say anything. But I messed up during that time. And you have no idea how bad I felt. But I didn’t want to tell you because I was scared you’d leave forever. But trust me, I loved you more than ever and still do from that moment to this moment. I never felt anything towards those people. You’re going to leave this blog post by leaving me saying: “I don’t want to be in your life if I make you feel trapped.” That’s the thing, maybe it’s not you, but it’s me. The other day I saw a TikTok. This girl apparently went to her therapist and her therapist told her that some narcissists (people who only care about themselves if you didn’t know) actually hide themselves as em-paths (people who empathize). They only care about you caring about them, not actually caring about you. And I thought to myself, maybe that is me. Maybe I’m a narcissist disguised as an em-path. That’s what I became along the way, I wasn’t that at the beginning. Then the clouds happened. I cracked my back. And I said today was going to be a good day. And that day I became a narcissist. But after we all left. I turned back. I truly cared. I still do. But I don’t know if you do. I know you talk to a million more people on the phone than you talk to me and I think that’s what also makes me sad. That you can just ignore me. I swear every time I messed up, I felt you detach from me. It’s my fault. I just hope you can trust me again that much and that one day, you’ll really be back in my life and you’ll never leave God willing. We’ll never know what’s in our destiny. What’s maktub for us. So as I’m sitting here on this small ass desk with my arms being marked by the sharp edge of this table, typing on my desktop, I hope you’re on the other side of my feelings. I hope I get closer to God. Cause I know the only way I’ll truly be happy with you, is if I’m happy with everyone. Sometimes you can make me so angry shorty. You are shorty. I don’t know if I’ll send this to you. Maybe I’ll just send the link to the blog along with the password if one day you make me really sad. But today you made me confused enough to start this. Today is the day you decided which path to take and you asked me. 

-l’aldila

p.s. menu I really hope you actually write in this blog one day and understand how much you mean to me as a person. Never loved you for the physicality. Those things almost meant nothing. Loving is a committment. It’s the days where it gets really tough to keep loving a person to not quit and stick with them. So I’m not quitting on you, and I’m sticking to you. I wish I could show you how much I care about you through my actions since you like actions more than words but I have no fricking idea how I can show you without telling you. Afterall, it is called “show AND tell”

I think this has been way too long for a p.s. message. fr tho stay safe, and I’ll be patient. 

Thank you for your time and consideration ma’am. 

sincerely, lovingly, and respectfully,

-l’aldila

japanese- “konichiwa”

01:57 ---- 9/4/2020