I missed you, when I shouldn't have been missing you
I would do it all again
because this is the path that has led me to you.
Such a strange path.
If i think back
to the first time I met you
I have no memory of your face
you bothered me.
I’d see you coming and avoid your gaze
nothing in common,
or so it seemed,
everyday in the same place
yet,
in three years I spoke to you maybe twice.
Call it an accident of fate
that evening when I sat down next to you
and never got up again
we never stopped talking.
Perhaps
I fell in love with you then and there
the first time I sat down beside you.
Who can know for sure?
I have watched so many films
just to lay beside you
I have pretended to fall asleep
just to let me head creep in a little closer
I have caressed your face
just to hear your breath change pace
and I have looked into your big brown eyes
just to see the pupils dilate
I have told you every secret
just to give you pieces of me
that nobody else has ever had.
I missed you
when I shouldn't have been missing you.
It might last forever
or maybe just a day
but one day with you is worth a lifetime
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I broke my own heart, loving you
he told me to grow up
and stop crying
but I had crossed an ocean and half the world to be with him
and for a time it seemed as though everyone was dying
and I was so far away
pain that had no place in my house,
that was not welcome
was buried down deep.
I could be divorced by the time i’m 25.
I never thought that would be me
but i never thought that I
would lose myself
like this.
I have been grieving
but not for us
we have been broken for such a long time
perhaps the cracks began
after our first fight
that first time you made me cry.
I have cried for three months over myself
on the shoulder of someone else
who doesn't mind
if I cry
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I have been my lost and you have found me
If you have to hear from someone
that you seem unhappy
let it be someone who loves you
so that you can lay your heard on their chest
and cry
while they stroke your face and dry your tears.
“you can cry with me”
you said
and I have cried so many times
i promise my eyes will soon run out of tears
and I will mend myself.
I am angry at myself
for losing so many parts of me along the way
for settling at 20
for lying to myself
for ignoring my dreams
for giving up
for neglecting my family
for putting my soul into a box
and closing it in a cupboard.
Remember that you can not pretend forever,
sooner or later
the real you will come out
and the longer you hide
the harder it will be to control.
I love you for bringing me back
for never asking me to be someone else
for listening
for asking me what I want
for finding a solution to every problem
for loving me for me
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self inflicted traps and bruises
“choose me”
you said
and I wanted to
but i didn't think I ever would
have the courage to do so
I have never wanted anything more
than to be yours.
you threw truths at me
that struck me like arrows
but I have been bruised for some time.
Self inflicted wounds
how could I have let myself become so trapped
in being
someone else
was being me really so terrible?
you loved me
exactly as I was
“why would I want to change you?”
Never have i pretended to be anyone else than me
since I’ve been with you
and its nice
to be me again
after all these years, remembering lines
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kissing you brought me back to myself
I was in love with someone else
before you.
I built an entire life before I met you.
But the more I loved him
the more we built
the more I lost myself
and I couldn't find my way back
I found myself with you
before I even knew I was in love
with you.
My best friend
keeper of every dark secret
of fingers in throats
and every little fear and doubt.
keeper of secrets
never judging.
Kissing me the first time it was as though you
knew me better than I knew myself
there was no avoiding it
I could but fall in love with you
i’d already been loving you for months
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the first man to bring me flowers
call me ‘darling’
and make my heart sing
call me ‘darling’ out of the blue
forever more.
bring me flowers for no reason
when you feel like it
like the first time
out of the blue
a red rose
“just because”
or I tell you I’m craving a coke
and find you waiting for me
coca cola in hand.
Tell me when your sad
tell me all about it
or tell me nothing, and we can share the silence
call me at 3am if the dreams get too dark and start to press in.
Do those things that drive me mad,
keep telling me what to do,
keep worrying about me,
tell me to relax
when I start to freak out over things that really don't matter
and when you’re cranky
and you’ve had enough of the world
keep talking to me
I’ll keep loving you even
when your tone is short and irritated
and I’ll make you laugh,
if nothing else,
I’ll make you laugh
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Home is where i can wake up with you
Yes its you
the place i call home
I know what they say
“home is where the heart is”
but my heart has once again found home in a place so far from me
and every place i have ever known.
I am from nowhere.
I always reply vaguely when they ask me
“where do you come from?”
I come from so many places,
have had so many addresses
street names I never even bothered to remember.
“I come from the sea”
that place where the horizon meets the blue
thats my home.
You brought me back to the sea
in a way you brought me back home
you brought me back to me
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