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Watching my own butt grow on E.

Originally posted on /r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

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When you try to escape dysphoria by masturbating

Originally posted on /r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

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I’ve seen my vein specialist about HRT side effects. Thats good. He confirms that the vein issues will occur no matter what I do. That’s bad. But he’s a muffin and completely on board with helping me get treatment to fix the vein problems. Thats good. It will require a scan first, which costs 700 dollars. Thats fucked. But because its to treat gender dysphoria it will be covered by medicare That’s sweet. He says I can start HRT before treatment if I want, it won’t effect treatment of the veins even if it causes them to go crazy again. Thats cool. And my psych has given me the approval for HRT.

I am so over waiting, I’m getting this shit started.

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Learn More

TransEquality.org FAQ American Psychological Association GLAAD: Transgender FAQ HRC:  Resources for People With Trans Family Members

Layout by TheRopeGeek Text by TheRopeGeek and @cutestwhore​

TheRopeGeek is a straight cis white guy, mediocre amateur graphic artist, and occasional kink educator.  @cutestwhore​ is a transgender man, student and sex worker.  

Please feel free to share this, reblog, retweet, post to other websites, show your mom, bring it in for show and tell, ETC, with credit to the authors.  Thank you.  

-RG/CW

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Oh, I guess I can’t 3D print love.

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When I’m intimate with people I yearn to escape and be alone. When I’m alone I yearn to be intimate with people.

Why am I like this,

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I had dinner with my brother and sister in law on Tuesday (27/06/17), we talked long into the night with wine, she went to bed and my brother and I stayed up talking, then he hit me with something. The condensed version being

Brother: There's something I was really hoping to talk to you about tonight. I've thought about for a while now. I don't know whether I should shake your hand or hug you when we greet.

Me: What has made you think of that?

Brother: a long time ago I had a friend, I loved them no matter what, nothing made a difference to that, they were different, but because I didn't bring anything up, because I acted indifferent towards that, they thought I had a problem with them, it just didn't factor into how I felt about them, I didn't realize how that felt to them. I love you, you're my brother...my sibling...my...whatever, I love you and I want you to be happy with yourself, whoever that is...when you're ready I want to tell me about it, what to call you, how to refer to you, I want you to be comfortable, and happy, I want to learn how to do that. I've been noticing how much more comfortable you've been becoming in yourself in the last few years, I don't know where the change was, the last 18, 24 months, however long, but I've been so happy to see that, and I want to keep seeing that. We want to keep seeing that, (Sister In Law),you know loves you and supports you,and the boys.you know really love you, especially (Eldest Nephew), you know what it's like to be confused and troubled like him at that age, in the best possible way he's curious and interested to get to know you for you, and you being you, the strength you have to be you, is very powerful an influence on him, to be whoever he turns out to be. .....etc

In short, he's noticed whats going on, and supports me completely and will stand with me when I come out to my parents

I did not see this coming, I had marked him down as a wild card in terms of reaction to coming out, and I didn't realise that because my depression makes me feel I'm valueless and a burden to other people. while I accepted that things could go badly or well with coming out to family, I had only processed the worst case scenarios as likely, the better and best were only theoretical possibilities.

I realise that I have been emotionally isolating myself from my family in anticipation of their rejection of me, as a protection against that, and I didn't realise what living under the looming threat of that, being emotionally isolated from them, the whole thing, the effect that was having on me \.

I've been engaging in very self destructive behaviors because I felt that I was alone, my family were gone and nothing mattered really, I didn't realise how much I needed them, I'm so terrified of losing my family and I hadn't processed it properly uni; now until it looked like I might not

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Sorry but if you're passable, I literally could NOT care less about your complaints.

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In theory my dad should love me, one of his favorite novels is Catch 22, and being trans, I live in a perpetual state of catch 22.

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Sooo Had a chat to the counselor at the gender center about coming out to my family, it wasn’t until we dug into some abusive shit from my dad that he understood my misgivings about coming out.

{Protip don’t wear mascara to a counseling session}

I was so ready to come out at work, but two things are making me too insecure to do so, my voice and not being on hormones. But the appointment with the vein doctor isn’t for another month and I’m so impatient now, everything is falling into place and I just want to start HRT.

I nearly came out to my mother the other day, we were talking family, the conflict between my brother and sister, personal history, and I felt so comfortable in a moment that I nearly came out there an then...and promptly had an anxiety attack in the car and could barely suppress crying, I cam so close to having my whole reality come crashing down around my ears, and at the same time, it’s painful not to have her understand what I’m going through.  Keeping secrets from my parents hasn’t bothered me before, I’ve seen it as a necessity, but its so isolating.  I hate this Schrodinger’s cat scenario of superposition, they love and accept me and are reject me in disgust at the same time, both exist as realities in my mind until the wave form collapses when I come out and its driving me mad.

In other news I’ve finished my degree, I feel no sense of elation or accomplishment. Maybe I will when I get accepted into honors somewhere, or maybe I will when I finish honors, likely not until I get my supervised placement.

Please oh please could I get placement under a psychologist at the gender center?  *supplicates the universe*

I need to start vocal training but its so daunting, I hate my voice, and its going to force me into confrontation with it.

So much time wasted, I could have had everything in place to come out in glorious splendor now if I had my shit together over the last few years.  But that's what clinical depression and anxiety, and an abusive relationship to boot gets you.

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Passing trans girl: “I’ve been accepted into this group of girls and they don’t realize I’m trans, what is going to happen when they do!? Will they reject me when they find out? Urgh being trans is so hard” Non Passing Trans People Everywhere: “...you poor diddums” *returns to hide inside drink wine and cry*

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So as it turns out a counselor at a place run by and supporting gender diverse people, is actually really nice and supportive...shocking, well it is if you have massive anxiety. I didn’t realize how much I needed the validation until I had it.

Likewise, holy shit, I actually found a GP who was like, -No, I have no idea what could be causing this, how odd -I will refer you to somebody who might be able to find out -I’m willing to work with you to find a method of HRT that doesn’t have these strange and concerning side effects.

Never ever going back to Dr Hayes again, the main isn’t a doctor, he’s a factory owner who churns out trans girls according to his specific parameters, gods help you if you don’t fit with his methods.

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On the same day I had the dream, I attended a party where I met two trans women, one of whom has in the last 3 months had SRS surgery.

Not only was I informed of the miraculous skills of her surgeon, I was allowed to witness the outcome of his craft.  Apparently he has his own method of using scrotal tissue to construct the vaginal canal, affording her 14 inches of vaginal depth (so she says), and freeing up other material for construction of more realistic labia, while also layering the high sensitivity tissues to construct the clitoris to  achieve higher sensitivity and function.

At least on a visual level it was stunning, indistinguishable from cis equivalent, and able to lubricate to boot, somehow, her arousal was olfactoraly palpable.

On top of this I got some great advice on choosing GPs, the name of the surgeon and some advice on taking hormones.  I didn’t realize that this was exactly what I needed, interacting with other trans girls, I’ve not felt so hopeful and valid in a long time.

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The dream

I had the dream again. Still has my penis but somehow had never noticed my labia as well. They were oddly formed, labia majora were pale and puffy, no real labia minora, pink, wet inside. But in this one I has no vagina, just an indentation. I wondered if perhaps I just had a completely covering hymen, if I could break through to my vagina proper. My explorations felt nice, but not until I touched the inner wall of the indentation did I find real pleasure, it sent sensation flowing up my stomach. I was so happy, this was going to make it so much easier to construct my new genitals later, and also lend me legitimacy against naysayers. As I realised I was dreaming and slowly rose out of it into wakefulness I clung to the dream and my labia, begging for it to be real when I woke up. A voice told me I would have to sacrifice my sight to do so, my left eye, my left eye I begged. No avail. I'm awake and sad again.

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I created this blog because I needed a safe place to vent, because an abusive relationship had me so paranoid that I didn’t feel safe expressing myself in any way, I needed an anonymous place to scream into the void.

That relationship started in 2014...right around the end of 2014, but really, how can I still be hung up over this? In a few more months it will be 3 years since we started dating and a few more after that it will have been 2 years since we ended.

Its definitely a testament to the fact it was so abusive, that I still struggle with paranoia and anxiety, that I still have not been comfortable with relationships since...but really this has just gone above and beyond reason.

This person does not deserve to wield this kind of influence on me even after I tore my heart to pieces to escape them. It’s time to move on.

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The Disappearance of Bruno Borges

24 years old Bruno Borges was reported missing on March 27th, 2017 by his parents. His parents say that Bruno became extremely obsessed with the existence of aliens. He locked himself in his room for 22 days, bought a giant statue of Giordano Bruno, a 16th century philosopher who insisted on the existence of aliens, and covered his room with encrypted writing and symbols.

His parents were traveling and when they returned they discovered his room was completely transformed and their son was missing. All he left for them was a key to his room and 14 books he had written in code. His parents say he is an extremely bright kid who is studying psychology and that they are very puzzled by his disappearance and hope he returns safely.

Police are investigating his disappearance. He was last seen on a CCTV running towards the direction of his home.

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I don't want to go to bed, or leave this room for it follows the acknowledgement that I am, and ever will be alone. Thank you for crippling my ability to form trusting emotionally intimate relationships with people.