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[lansur13]

Highlights of my 2021

Study

Graduated master!

Became the best graduate and the best presenter in master’s thesis defense

Bailed out of my thesis-turned-paper

Work

Was rejected in 15+ PM applications

Landed a job in PM, highest salary ever, got a raise in < 1 year

Back to Xendit inside digipain

Life

Has ups and downs (though mostly downs)

Stopped drinking meds entirely

Couple of vacations (Malang and Jogja)

Love

Gave love another chance

Was the happiest after a while, think this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in

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I think there will always be a part of me I won’t show to anybody

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“Why did you stay for a long time, putting up with everything?”

“Maybe I just wanted to be happy, at least I thought I was”

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Bittersweet

You held your cigarette like a lollipop, crashing the pill with your teeth You started lighting it with your furrowed eyebrows, struggling with the blowing wind We did not talk a lot, I was in a process of assessment Then I came to a conclusion, that we can be friends You looked at me and nodded your head to the side That look resembled Effy Stonem, and it’s still messing with my head

[lansur13]

Highlights of my 2020

Life

Survived episodes of depression being alone in Russia

Cancelled my Europe Trip though I had saved up

Pandemics happened and I went home to Indonesia

Work

Tried working in a Russian startup, lasted for only 2 months

Got an internship in a Russian defense magazine

Got a research assistant project paid in AUD

Study

Survived online classes with its extra tasks outside of the syllabus

Passed all exams without any anxiety attacks

Changed my master thesis’ topic along with the supervisor

Finished and presented Chapter 1 in 3 weeks

Love

Survived the 2 years relationship with its ups and downs

(It had more downs tho)

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was I selfish to ask you to stay

did you pity me to agree to still try

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Scared

I’m scared of us. 

Have we really become that incompatible that I can’t freely express myself around you anymore?

Have we really become that distant that I need to be careful of every word I say?

Have you changed that much that you don’t love me as much as I used to?

Have you been too whipped that you accepted me, and now that you’re not, you can’t do that anymore?

Or am I the one who changed?

I’m terrified of every phone call ending, I’m scared it will be our last. 

I’m terrified of every low tone you voice out, I’m scared I was the one who killed it.

I’m terrified that you have a change of heart, that you’re falling out of love with me, that it is that easy for you not to need me.

If it were true, I wish it was that easy for me too.

[lansur13]

People tend to be mean when they’re feeling like shit

People say nice things when they’re happy

so idk if being shitty makes all the nice words irrelevant then

You told me I don’t need to be strong when I’m around you, I let myself crumble down and you pushed me away

You told me you’d be here with me through thick and thin, I seek for your company and you said to leave you alone

I said I understood yet at the same time I said you’re selfish bcs I’ve had those shitty feelings too, not wanting to talk nor see anyone, overwhelmed just by everything and everyone.

But for me, even during those times, I’d still think about you, and I’d still want to be with you.

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This feeling sucks

I can’t call you when I know I kinda could

I can’t cling on you without being afraid I won’t bother you

It really hurts watching you being distant

It feels like you’re falling out of love with me

And I can’t do anything about it

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My Mind

My mind is a dangerous place

I have hurt myself in many ways that I possibly can in my mind

I have done many terrible things in my mind

I have imagined every possible way to die in my mind

I have thought about all of the consequences in my mind

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how to be stronger than my thoughts when all that I am came from my thoughts

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If letting me go makes you happy, I’ll try to do the same

my brain

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Songs with metaphors hit differently. This is about gambling and love.

“I keep throwing it down, two hundred at a time“

When we gamble, we put the chips, risking it being taken away. We may feel confident, but we still have that risk. It goes the same with love, we put our heart out, risking it being hurt. Yet we wouldn’t mind gambling with it on a high stake.

“When your money's gone, and you're drunk as hell”

The song also talks about alcohol. We can gamble recklessly being drunk. We can also be drunk the same way by being in love. We envision the happiness and have certain hope with them. Alcohol and love works the same way with our brain, it injects the chemicals and fucks up our mind. 

“This is not the sound of a new man, or a crispy realization It's the sound of me unlocking and you lift away”

But this song is also about salvation. It’s good that we can be sober and let go eventually.

[lansur13]

tell me how to think

When I watched (500) Days of Summer for the first time, I hated Summer, like a lot. I was in around the time of having a first heartbreak, so I could relate to Tom a lot.

Watching someone falling out of love with you, observing them growing distant, losing interest, and going away eventually. The ending is not too sad and not too happy, just the right amount.

Growing up, with the internet, I found out that it wasn’t Summer’s fault (entirely, I believe), it was Tom’s (I believe, partly). Summer stated from the very beginning that she wasn’t interested in something serious blabla. Tom was the one who wasn’t listening, who was the only one projecting his wish without taking Summer into consideration. Tom was being selfish.

But, idk how to think now. 

I don’t think it’s selfish for people wanting love, for wishing the love not to be unrequited. Summer was there in the fun part as well so it’s only natural for Tom to chase over something he wishes for.

Yet at the same time I get it that people can fall out of love. Someone or something just can’t completely be yours. It works both ways in any relationships anyway.

The more I grow up, the more I can think about things from different perspectives and it leads me to overthink a lot and in the end I come up with nothing.

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In the end, I only have myself. I have to learn to be strong alone again.

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At this point I feel like scientific research is just a forced justification of our ideas

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Most of the times, I realized I worry for nothing

Yet I can’t help doing it all over again

Hang in there, self