larasadventuretime-blog

[larasadventuretime-blog]

ARRRRRRRRRRRRkansas!

Arkansas, or how I prefer to call it, ARRRRRRkansas; The Pirate State. I woke up this morning in Ohio (and when I say this morning, I mean 12:30am… Yeah…), and finished in Arkansas in the early afternoon. Those are just the hours I keep when I am able to. I love it! Less traffic on the roads means less stupidity I get to encounter! Yay! Anyways, once I entered Arkansas, I started thinking about the pirate state, and decided it needed a pirate-y legend. So, I came up with the tale of Captain Cletus; the last Arkansas pirate! I’m sorry/Enjoy. :)

Capt'n Cletus had humble beginnings in the pirate occupation. He started young, as that was the dream in the pirate state among the youth. He began his plundering activities by collecting bounty from various yard sales and lemonade stands. Starting his pirating activities early assisted with his eventual dream of commandeering his own ship to sail the mighty Mississippi with. Since that was a massive undertaking, he wanted to get the hang of pirating in a smaller vessel, so he acquired a 1983 Buick cutlass, and employed his buddy Jethro to be his first mate. They made modifications to their land vessel to make it uniquely their own. They added a 6’ mast with a single sail and a crow’s nest out of the roof so capt'n Cletus could scouer the lands for a booty, they added a potato cannon on a mount out of the passenger side window, a kick ass stereo system with a big sub woofer in the trunk, removed the windshield, and added a little skull and cross bones flag on the radio antenna. Capt'n Cletus also acquired a traditional pirate captain hat and training pirate sword (it was made of pine). They travelled up and down the roads of Arkansas pirating freight from tractor trailers. Going to truck stops at night was too easy, so capt'n Cletus would stand on the hood of his 1983 Buick cutlass while his first mate Jethro drove him up to the back of the moving truck, cut the seal, opened the door, jumped inside, and started tossing boxes through the gaping hole that once held a windshield. They plundered many a treasure, but the most notable included cases of hot wheels toy cars, and cases of leather fetish wear (not from the same truck). This continued until one day a truck with a rear facing camera saw capt'n Cletus trying to harvest his fright, and brake checked him. Capt'n Cletus was tossed into the ditch and the 1983 Buick cutlass was totalled. Luckily, jethro was smart enough to be wearing is seatbelt, safety first, after all. Capt'n Cletus survived, but ended up breaking his leg in multiple places. He had a full leg cast, and decided that was pretty much the same thing as having a peg leg. After the cast was removed, Capt'n Cletus decided wouldn’t give up, even with a noticeable limp. He decided being a road pirate was too dangerous, and that it was time they took to the seas. They managed to commandeer an antique row boat from a heritage museum in the wee hours of the morning, made it sea worthy with multiple rolls of heavy duty duct tape, and heavy duty all weather caulking. They tested her seaworthiness on a small lake, and she survived! They added a mast and crows nest with two sails this time (also 2’ higher than the 6’ one they had previous, so 8’ in total), mounted their potato cannon on the right side, installed a radio antenna to fly they flag on with pride, and named her Jo. Jethro got the duty of rowing Jo by the direction of capt'n Cletus, which was typically north up the Mississippi to try to plunder freight off their northern neighbour, Missouri. They had many an epic battle, but a good things must come to an end. When the economy tanked in 2008, there were very few vessels to plunder, and capt'n Cletus had to make the difficult decision of letting Jethro go. It was a sad day for both of them, but Jethro took it well, and set up a lawn chair along the riverside to watch his friend scour the waters for more booty. One night, capt'n Cletus came across an abandoned tug boat that was in excellent condition. He liberated it, and called it his own. He installed a 10’ mast with a crows next and three sails, his trusty potato cannon, pirate flag, and an epic stereo system he pirated off a boat a year prior. He named his new vessel Bethany, and sailed up the Mississippi looking for booty from the unsuspecting. One night, as Bethany was pushing a boat trailer south down the Mississippi, she began to have a serious engine failure. Capt'n Cletus smelled smoke, and rushed to the engine compartment with his DOT approved fire extinguisher, but the fire grew too strong too quickly, and over powered him. He ran to the deck and jumped into the merkey waters just as the fuel tanks ignited creating a massive explosion. Bethany and her cargo were lost, and as for Capt'n Cletus, his legend lives on. There have been sightings of someone who matched the description of Capt'n Cletus, but no sighting has ever been confirmed. Some say, he acquired an inflatable dingy, and still sails up and down the mighty Mississippi pirating from the unsuspecting. Other tales suggest he and Jethro acquired a second lawn chair, and retired to a beach in the south keys. We may never know what happened to Capt'n Cletus, but his legend lives on as the last Arkansas pirate!

[larasadventuretime-blog]

Yesterday's blowout... At first there was a loud POP! Then, there was tire shrapnel. And finally, there was a blog created to honour such a momentous ordinary occasion for a truck driver...🙃