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You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

Junot Díaz (via quotemadness)

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friendly neighborhood Sad Blood Mage

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hawke’s built more like a warrior than a mage; she has wide shoulders and has a lot of muscle.  she uses her staff as a naginata in close quarters, and in fact insists that that’s what her staff is if she’s questioned about it by templars or the like.  she loses a great deal of weight after carver’s death, shifting her more lean than jacked, however; it’s not abundantly apparent under her armor, and she doesn’t quite swing so far as to be actively underweight, but it isn’t healthy nevertheless.

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i see we’re talking about blood magic and it’s Addictive Qualities!

most people have already hit on the ways it becomes a proper addiction; self - harm is already addicting, especially to people as mentally ill as hawke is.  couple that with a rush of power and strength, and it becomes even more present.  if you want desperately to be powerful and also to punish yourself —— hoo boy.  it’s a perfect storm.

the thing about hawke is that i don’t…think she ever stops.  what she can do, though, is learn to practice in a way that’s safer for her, and at least partially learn to mentally disconnect the magic with a kind of punishment.  elisa and i have talked about this, but when varric and the others confront her about it, she doesn’t stop, but for their sake she does make some efforts to take better care of herself in the process.  she eats more iron and protein, et cetera.  her happy ending isn’t ceasing the use of blood magic, it’s learning how to use blood magic safely and without punishing herself.  to the end, i don’t believe she ever truly frees herself from the addiction in entirety, but it lessens to the point where it’s not ruining her life and she can exist happily, even without using it for long periods.

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@extravagantliar liked.

What kind of friend is she, that she finds her friend suffering, and she wonders which of her sins haunt him?  Is it Bartrand, however many years dead he may be?  Is it some other ache, just as deep, just as sick?  Some other curse she’s caused him?  Either way ------------

Hawke is not good.  But she loves him.

“If you must mourn,” she mutters, settling into the seat at his side, “don’t do it alone.”

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@bornpariah liked. 

“I’ve done a lot of things wrong,” she says, voice distant but not quite small but not quite STRONG like it usually is, if only in the way dense ice is strong / in sharpened steel is strong.  Flat and sharp and cruel and cold.  Not like that.  “Loving being all of them.”

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@canticled liked.     /     for averil.

“It’s my own remorse,” she mutters; voice low --- burning / no / snuffed out, flame requiring air and life and she bearing neither anymore.  BUT SHE IS RIGHT ------ this sin (  maleficar!!  blood mage!  monster!  ) is Faye’s.  Her sister need not bear the burden alongside her.

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because we’re talking about it, faye does definitely have some buried - deep prejudices against elves and qunari just by virtue of being a human raised in thedas.  it isn’t an active prejudice, though, and one she is interested in having challenged.  she’s leagues better than most, and this is largely due to two things.  

the first is her hero - worship of her father.  like, malcolm was EVERYTHING to hawke.  so he, being from a circle and thus being raised alongside elves where elves would be treated ——- closer to equally, at least? ——- meant that he was probably a pretty firm elf ally.  (  it also just seems fairly in line with what we know of his personality.  )  the circles aren’t entirely free of racism, of course, but they often do seem to be better, some extreme exceptions notwithstanding.  so malcolm wouldn’t have allowed the children to speak in slurs or the like and, given faye’s hero - worship, if he defended elves she would, in turn, also get very, very aggressive in her defense of elves.  she wants to be like him.

the second is simply that faye is deeply distrustful and resentful of hierarchies, the chantry, and et cetera ——- she doesn’t trust people in power in any capacity, and she doesn’t trust people at the top of things, and she in fact actively hates them just by virtue of them being at the top of things.  so when she sees people in power shit - talking elves or speaking of elves as though they deserve to be oppressed, she immediately calls bullshit just because hierarchies and shit are Always Bad to her.  she doesn’t trust the law, nor does she trust public morality honestly.  being a mage herself, and being so desperately protective of bethany, they’re already on the bottom of one hierarchy and already experience that oppression —— and knows that bethany, at least, doesn’t deserve that, so she tends to see other types of oppression and, coupled with her violent hatred of authority and those in power, decide that those at the bottom of the rung are probably better worth protecting.  or, at least, trusting.

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these claims against aveline are garbage.  did you bother to verify them?

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so many of hawke’s Issues with morality stem from the fact that hawke defines good as related to feelings and instinct rather than action.  hawke defines a good person as someone who’s innately kind, who’s first instinct is to help, pretty much irregardless of what they actually do.  because hawke does an abundance of good things — she saves feynriel, she tries to save ketojan, she doesn’t kill or meaningfully hurt the one mineworker dude, she saves her companions, she tries to help the mages as much as she can, she gives an abundance to charity, she helps kids find their parents, she always gives food and coin to beggars, she protects — but because faye’s first instinct is to increase her own power, to be selfish or cruel, she doesn’t think she can be good.  the fact that she chooses to say “this poor person is asking me for help.  i want to demand coin and exhort them, but i’m not going to, because that’s evil” means that, to hawke, she cannot be good.  a good person wouldn’t think that at all; they would just help.  

(  in a lot of ways, i think it makes it more meaningful that she’s resisting her own internal Badness and making the choice to be good as much as she can, but she doesn’t.  )

and it ends up really hurting her, especially come act 3 and inquisition.  because if she just acknowledged that goodness was an Action thing more than an intentions thing, i think she’d be a lot better at being consistently good.  but especially come act iii and inquisition, where she’s tired and deeply depressed and suicidal, it’s really easy for her to say ‘well i’m an innately bad person, and all my attempts at being good still lead to my family’s death / kirkwall burning and my friends being forced to run, so it clearly doesn’t help.’  even though it did help; she helped so many people!  she did so much good.  but by act iii and inquisition it’s easy for faye to just go ahead and be as selfish and cruel as her instinct tells her to be.  like, she’s not going to exhort the homeless, but she definitely becomes sharper and shorter in ways that she would have at least tried to offset earlier.  and by inquisition it’s also exacerbated her desire to die a lot, because if she’s innately bad, and attempts at being otherwise are just useless — if the maker just put her here to cause ruin and hurt — then it would be better for the world and her friends and her loved ones if she just ceased to exist.

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this is a lyric starter call :V

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an easy way to tell that faye’s especially deep in a depressive episode or especially suicidal is if she doesn’t put her hair up.  it’s almost always tied in a long ponytail when she’s out, and when she’s at home it’s either in a ponytail or a clumsy braid or a bun.  it’s a control thing, primarily.  the only time it’s ever down is when she’s sleeping or she’s too sick inside herself to care about it.

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this is a lyric starter call :V

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for nearly a month after leandra dies, hawke doesn’t go into the estate.  once, and only once, and being within makes her so ill and so sick that she flees and doesn’t come back.

she can’t.  she can’t.  she spends most of her time at the hanged man, hazy with booze and lyrium, too drunk to remember her mother’s last words / carver’s last words / if bethany had time to have last words.  she sleeps at the bar or in any of the chairs around varric’s table, sometimes coming awake with a blanket around her shoulders.  at least once she wakes in varric’s bed, too drunk to remember if she crawled in there on her own or if varric moved her.  she doesn’t ask.

later, she largely doesn’t remember the month; she spent too much of it high or drunk or both.  it’s likely for the best.

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while hawke will never willingly use the blood of an ally, she has no particular problem using an enemy’s blood, and makes liberal use of blood slave and one foot in.  she’s aware that blood slave especially is objectively evil and morally wrong.

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SENTENCE STARTERS | DA:INQUISITION PARTY BANTER

❝ Oh look, a dragon…Perfect way to ruin our day. ❞ ❝ Seriously, just how many keys does one ancient temple need? ❞ ❝ Just once, I wish we would enter a cave and see normal sized spiders… ❞ ❝ Mountains…Cold…“Let’s bring [NAME]!” ❞ ❝ We’re going to get lost and starve to death, aren’t we? A glorious end for us! ❞ ❝ Plague: a cheerful addition to any decent swamp. ❞ ❝ Do you feel that? My magic-sensing nose is tingling! ❞ ❝ I’d expect more from a man/woman who can’t stop talking about how clever he/she is. ❞ ❝ Why be ashamed? Power should be respected, not swept under the carpet. ❞ ❝ Honestly, a man’s gotta take his fun where he can find it… ❞ ❝ That staff’s in pretty good shape. You spend a lot of time polishing it? ❞ ❝ I’ll never understand why you spend half your time running around bare chested… ❞ ❝ What’s the matter? Not enough slaves to rub your tootsies? ❞ ❝ Discretion isn’t really your thing, is it? ❞ ❝ Did you want those silky underthings back or did you leave those as a token? ❞ ❝ For someone so scared of magic, you’re not shy about benefitting from its effects. ❞ ❝ While we’re sharing surprises, you’ve done a lot less dancing naked in the moonlight than I expected. ❞ ❝ That outfit is sorry. What are you supposed to be, some kind of woodsman? ❞ ❝ You’re a special and unique snowflake. Live the dream. ❞ ❝ Would you not conserve energy with a less flashy style? ❞ ❝ Please speak up! I cannot hear you over your outfit! ❞ ❝ First we execute those who will not submit, then we deal with the rest. ❞ ❝ Ah, the wilds: lush, beautiful, and full of things that want to eat you. ❞ ❝ I finally found a place I hate more than caves. That’s a first. ❞ ❝ You don’t want to talk about yourself. I can respect that. So what do we talk about then? ❞ ❝ I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you didn’t drag me here by force. ❞ ❝ You’re either the worst person ever or the best…I can’t decide. ❞ ❝ Still waiting for me to do something sneaky and spy-like? ❞ ❝ I like the stories where the villain was the man/woman beside you the whole time. ❞ ❝ Be careful…These sorts of romances don’t end well… ❞ ❝ It’s quite comforting that whatever qualities I lack, you’ll invent for me… ❞ ❝ What could you possibly hope to accomplish with such madness?! ❞ ❝ Am I to understand that you’re writing a book about me…? ❞ ❝ My dear, if I didn’t want people to fear me, I wouldn’t dress like this. ❞ ❝ Aren’t you rather wealthy to be dirtying your hands like this? ❞ ❝ What an excellent place to be murdered and left in a dank hole… ❞ ❝ The most poisonous snakes are always the most beautiful. ❞ ❝ Is it my imagination, or have certain lingering looks been passed between you and [NAME]…? ❞ ❝ Just keep hitting things, my dear… Don’t worry your little head about the rest. ❞ ❝ So much is at stake. Why would I leave any of it to someone else? ❞ ❝ You’re right about one thing…You wouldn’t stand a chance against me. ❞ ❝ I look forward to the day when your veneer crumbles. ❞ ❝ If my skills can weaken your opponents to make your fight easier, please, let me know. ❞ ❝ Darling, it’s your bottom. Again. As bony and sad as the last dozen times you displayed it. ❞ ❝ Your failure is that you assume I desire approval. Power does not require that I be liked. ❞ ❝ I hope you can take care of yourself, should we encounter anything outside your experience. ❞ ❝ You so often come out on top. You play these political games brilliantly. ❞ ❝ Be careful. There may be a reason this ground has lain undisturbed for so long. ❞ ❝ It’s always remarkable that some will take advantage of chaos to further their own cause. ❞ ❝ Looks like someone was digging for things that should have been left undisturbed… ❞ ❝ This world is full of wonders for those who seek them. ❞ ❝ Look, it’s a natural thing to be curious about! ❞ ❝ For all your experience, you don’t carry yourself like a soldier. ❞ ❝ In battle, you look like you’re waiting for applause after every move. ❞ ❝ You have a certain swagger, like you know you’re the most dangerous thing in this room. ❞ ❝ You’d be amazed at what a man/woman armed with a rock and a headache can do. ❞ ❝ Do we ever have uneventful days? ❞ ❝ Know what it’s like to have leeches in your pants? No? Well, now you do. ❞ ❝ Bloody sand. Getting in places where sand shouldn’t ever be. ❞ ❝ Does it seem strange that every single person at this party has tried to bribe us? ❞ ❝ Not exactly the fight I was expecting when we got here. At least we got the job done. ❞ ❝ I fear for you sometimes, the way you throw yourself into battle. ❞

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don’t lecture me!  this is your fault!  how could you let her charge off like that?