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[latetotheadhdparty]

Aw shit. Hello void.

Well. fuck where do I even begin. Maybe a blog will help me actually work through all of the feelings and issues I’m having, and if I don’t ever remember to update again, who cares? Certainly no one on this crazy ass website.

Where am I at right now? physically, at home, avoiding something I feel I should do but don’t really want to do. I mean, part of it is the ADHD and maybe there’s some Autism mixed in there too. I dunno. anyway. I should be going to do a thing that I used to enjoy, but then expectations are put on it and all of a sudden, it’s no fun anymore. One of my cats keeps trying to interrupt my train of thought by playing with the power cord and biting the corner of the laptop screen. He’s the himbo of the family, and very soft. Back to the internal monologue. I want to enjoy things, but my sense of time is so fucked up it just. doesn’t work for most people. I never feel my age and can’t remember my age because outside of the physical breakdown, I legit don’t feel it. Timeless is usually said as a positive connotation, but that’s not my feeling on it. Maybe I’m lost in time? Dr. Russell says that you knock 30% off your actual age, and that is about where you are developmentally. That doesn’t really feel right either. In emotional maturity, I’m definitely my age. Impulse control, not so much. not quite “eat the marshmallow as soon as the researcher leaves the room” but I did buy the new Lore Olympus print book right away even though I really need to stop spending money. I guess some of this developed into where I’m at mentally, and I really intended that to be a separate paragraph.

Here we go. Mentally, I’m at what feels like an eternal falling, kinda like Alice on her way to Wonderland. No wonder I relate to that stuff so much. I have a high stress job that I’m both phenomenal and awful at. Easiest way to explain it is financial crimes investigation. So I’m really good at recognizing financial patterns that indicate someone is on some bullshit, but time is a struggle. Investigating the right amount of time to get the right amount of info and not too much or too little. (I’ve often thought of my ADHD struggles as trying to find balance, not treat symptoms to oblivion) Remembering the number of days that have passed since I decided something was bullshit is always a struggle. I try so so hard to remember what time is. I have a clock that ticks but it’s not loud enough and doesn’t have an hourly chime. I have a smart watch that yells at me on the hour, but so often it just doesn’t register. I have a planner that I do actually manage to keep up with, and i’m so proud of that, but I can’t figure out where that “something missing” out of it is. I’m just. Falling, all the time, out of time. Fuck time. I’m so mad about society’s obsession with getting everything done now and everything being done within a certain amount of time, when there’s often no good reason for it other than “oh someone might get upset”. Fuck them, let them be upset.

I’ve always known that to be happy, you must experience sadness, anger, upset, etc. Otherwise how the hell would you know what it actually means to be happy?

I’m watching myself type in the reflection of my laptop screen. Sometimes I really love parts of me. Like my hands. I wish I could do more with my hands.

My therapist reminds me that it’s not too late to do so many things, but how do i find the time to dedicate to learning them? I’m definitely part of the burnt-out-gifted-kid group that was actually a sufferer of ADHD the whole time. It’s been so frustrating. I spent years convinced it was ADHD, and now that I have a diagnosis, of course I wonder... Is it REALLY adhd, or am i just a terrible person? Bad at adulting. Ugly, too much personality and not enough shut the fuck up. or is that RSD? Fuck, I just want to know who I am. That was a surprise with diagnosis. Nothing like having an identity crisis around the time most people have a midlife crisis. maybe the midlife crisis for normal people is a midlife crisis. I never thought i’d have to deal with any of this. No one asked me in school what i wanted to be when I grew up. When i changed high schools, I no longer got asked about college plans. I got ignored. That hurt. It still hurts, and I made it through college. took twice as long and at a later age, but whatever I guess. I see now what Dr. Russell means. I’m so tired of feeling so hurt about my life. It’s not even about comparing what my life has been to what other’s lives are like. It’s about the feeling of lost potential. I know that’s going to be with me forever. Anger at not being listened too as a kid. Misdiagnosis for forever. a medical system that doesn’t care about actually solving problems. “We have to start with conservative treatment first” okay, but that’s not going to FIX the problem. “I know, but that’s what insurance requires” Why are a bunch of not-doctors making medical decisions for me. Fuck them. fuck this country full of selfish assholes. Whose idea was it to make anything related to health care a for profit venture anyway. Fuckers are fucked in the head.

Speaking of anger, I need to stay off reddit. AITA posts about asshole dads really hit home. Therapist told me I should write my dad a letter, but how do you even... that feels so weird. I guess I’ll just tack it on here. Dear Dad, fuck you for replacing me. Fuck you for taking any credit for any of my success when you’re not only the reason I have ADHD, but also the reason I struggled so much throughout life. Take your six figure income and shove it up your ass. You didn’t help me with a god damned thing throughout my life that actually mattered. You never came to my school graduations, you don’t even send me a fucking text message on my birthday asshole. I don’t care if it’s late, because oh lookit that, we have ADHD, time is an issue for us! You just never made an attempt to care, especially after you remarried and got the family you always wanted. the family you just expected me to perfectly mesh into, and made absolutely no effort to understand why I stopped coming to visit. Maybe it was because you kept moving further and further away. Maybe it’s because you never even asked how I felt about some things, like when you gave my room away because you guys wanted a den and a living room, and to do that you had to move the eldest interloper into my room. I would have said yes if you asked. It hurt because you didn’t ask. You didn’t help me with my cars when shit went wrong, except for one single occasion where you used your employee discount on a windshield and we swapped vehicles for a week. Great deal there, I went from a subcompact to a suburban. I could literally put my car in the back of that stupid monstrosity (also, don’t think I didn’t notice that as soon as y’alls were down to one kid on her way out the door, you replaced that Chevy with a Lincoln). When I got braces, you never called to ask how it was going, and didn’t pay for a dime (even though you should have, and i should have gotten braces as a teenager). Your reasoning is you weren’t going to pay for any of us kids to get braces because you couldn’t afford to do it for all of us and it wouldn’t be fair. The truth is you just didn’t want to spend your precious money on anyone but yourself. The camper, the motorcycles, the fancy vehicles, I know how much that costs, and I know you did it at the cost of literal health care for your children. Fuck you, no wonder gramma and grampa are ashamed of you. They helped every time you didn’t. They gave you opportunities to help, and to no surprise, you didn’t. The interloper that took my room always felt slighted by me being the favorite grandkid, and how dare i get so much from them. Bitch you stole my fucking dad. So yeah, Dear dad, I should call you a sperm donor instead. Because that’s all you seem to be. You didn’t help me with anything, you never offered to help me fix my house, or a car. For god sakes, I talked about restoring one of the motorcycles and that you should come help me BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO OFFER A WAY FOR US TO BOND, not get told “well youtube has so much”. Jesus, my father in law picked up on it right away and is super excited for me to get the little motorcycle for us to spend some quality time together. My father in law is the dad i never got. Hell your brother is leaps and bounds better as a father than you ever were. God fucking damnit. Fuck you for all the hurt you’ve caused me, as well as gramma and grampa. I get they weren’t perfect parents either, but they sure as fuck didn’t deserve to feel so guilty because of your fuckups. The interlopers wanna know why I was the favorite? Guilt. Guilt is why. How’s that for a reason. While we’re piling on the guilt, how about the trauma of being named after someone who killed themselves? Thanks for that sperm donor. No wonder I hate generational names so much. My name was derived from someone who had the misfortune of having the same brain I do but before a time when men were allowed to go to therapy. Thanks for that reminder every time I think about my name, which is so out of pattern for my generation. I’m glad uncle is getting the farm and by default, everything on it. Mostly because fuck you, he deserves is. He actually tries to be a good family member. I’m glad you feel at least enough guilt you don’t want any of their money, and once they pass and I get the one thing you have I want, I’m never reaching out again. I’m so sick of being hurt by you. I’ll rewrite this letter and give it to you as a parting middle finger. You want to ever make it up to me, you reach out. Offer your time, offer to have me and hubs over for dinner, becuase that’s what i really fucking wanted all along. You were apparently too self centered to ever notice that. I know you think i’m a fucking gold digger child. joke’s on you, i’m the breadwinner and proud to be. When I have extra money, I do nice things for people just to see them smile, especially people I care about, because fuck you. I’m not you and will never be as selfish as you are. Mom talks a lot about how badly you wanted kids, to the point where I wasn’t really an accident. You have a funny way of showing it asshole.

Fuck him.

Okay, I see why my therapist recommended the letter. It’s not that I feel better, but it does feel lighter. My gramma saved my report cards, and the comments on it really drove home that the problem’s always been adhd. What’s more likely, an 8 year old with severe depression or an 8 year old with adhd and trauma. I could have been an architect. or an actuary. or an engineer. maybe i still could someday, but it’s going to take money i don’t have, since all businesses want college educated people without paying for their degree cost. Being smart with adhd sucks. I want to learn everything and do everything, but everything costs a ton of money and i can’t make my brain focus on something long enough to learn it without some kind of pressure. so all the lovely self guided courses? great, except I have no pressure to do them. FOMO eat your heart out, my ADHD whatifs blow you out of the park. If this does manage to show up for anyone, I’m not really looking for advice. If you happen to know some rich fuck looking for a pet creative, I’d love to just learn and create all day, but not at the cost of losing my house, partner, and pets. My house is my sanctuary, my partner is my rock, and my pets are my anti-depressants. My life has been filled with hurt and struggle and i’m so fucking tired all the time, but the good in my life i will absolutely hang on to.

I’m so exhausted.