latterdaydaisy

[latterdaydaisy]

Welp finally leaving my ysa ward for my assigned family ward. I technically should’ve left three years ago since I’ve been married, but I’ve chosen to stay (with stake approval) because my ward was so integral to me building a strong testimony after becoming inactive and unbelieving for years shortly after my baptism. My ward has always been so accepting of my nonbinary identity, and I’ve been very involved those couple years, but I think it’s time to take the next step in my faith journey.

This ward is where I found my faith again. It’s where I got my patriarchal blessing, it’s where I got endowed. Its where I gave my first talk and got my first calling. It’s where I learned to fully accept that I was both queer and LDS. The friends I’ve made, the people who’ve taught me, the people I’ve inspired- it’s all been a blessing. But I feel stagnant now, in my faith as well as the work I feel God has called me to do by being an example unto others that you can be queer and faithful. There’s nothing more for me to learn here, and nothing more to teach.

My stake is offering me a calling in primary if I transfer to my family ward (which is both exciting and terrifying) and apparently there’s some other queer folk that know who I am and want to meet me?? So, I think everything will be okay. I’m entering into a new season of my life and faith journey and honestly I’m kind of scared to go to a family ward (in Florida mind you) as an openly trans person, let alone teach in primary, but honestly I’ve been feeling stuck for awhile and I think this is what I need. I’m married (although to a nonmember), I’m considering kids, I want to learn and do more. I want to grow. It’s time. I just pray this new ward accepts me as I am and I’m able to maintain a calling and temple recommend despite my circumstances. That’s my only fear really, bishop roulette.

[latterdaydaisy]

You know I really relate to Joseph Smith because imagine you’re this kid who just wants to know God and He reveals Himself to you, gives you direction, and you literally can’t deny what you know, but everyone around you criticizes you. I too was a kid who just wanted to know God, and He did reveal Himself to me (although not in the same manner) and frankly I can’t deny what I know. He loves me, as I am. Queer and all. So I feel crazy when everyone around me is telling me the revelation I received can’t possibly be true, but I know what I know. I can’t deny it. Like Joseph, I’ve been asked to walk a path that’s new and scary, but ultimately serves a purpose.

[latterdaydaisy]

Genuine question what happens to church hq when America goes to crap? If we head towards a dictatorship, how does that effect us church wise?

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It’s okay to have doubts because the Lord’s grace is sufficient. ALL things can be consecrated for your gain. So why do we treat doubts so harshly? I’m in a season of doubt, not in Christ but the church, and honestly I’m choosing to embrace it because my faith is in Jesus not a church and I want to see where He takes me in this season. What is He trying to teach me through these trials? I don’t know, but I know it’ll be good.

[latterdaydaisy]

Sometimes people be asking me why I’m LDS, and I could give a myriad of reasons as to why, probably until the day Jesus comes back. But something I’m learning as a whole but is really helping me to live my faith more authentically: it simply makes me happy. I think people as a right should do what makes them happy, pursue what they believe is true, as long as they do no harm. I love seeing people find what that is for themselves, but I’m owed that same respect. So now, my answer has simply become it makes me happy and I leave the conversation at that. I don’t owe it to anyone to justify who I am.

[latterdaydaisy]

Going to the temple again! I don’t have many friends or family, and I always put the same names on the prayer roll. Queer friends! If you’re comfortable with it, please dm me your name and I’ll put it on there!

[latterdaydaisy]

Last time I went to the temple I was doing baptisms for the dead and halfway through I realised they were doing male names. (Score) I did correct them and tell them I needed female ones, just in case somehow I was found out, but to be honest I’m grateful that in that mishap I might’ve experienced the only time I’ll ever be treated as male in the church, let alone the temple. Tender mercies am I right?

What’s funny is when I got out of the font and got dressed, as I was exiting this woman came up to me and apologized for people misgendering me. I thought she meant because people ‘wrongly’ assumed I was male, so I explained my situation and she just hugged me and said “I know.” She was apologizing because people began to overly refer to me as a woman to make up for “getting it wrong”. In that moment the Spirit spoke to a stranger and she became my angel on earth as I was trembling with anxiety in one of my favourite places to be. Jesus sees me😭

[latterdaydaisy]

never underestimate a small act of kindness

If you ever feel a prompting to do something for someone, no nagger how small, please do it.

Awhile ago my ward had a pair of senior missionaries I love dearly, basically my God parents even though we don’t have those. I invited them to sit in on my patriarchal blessing and they took me to get endowed because I don’t have any family in the church and they are the closest thing to it.

As some of you know, I’m nonbinary, so it’s hard to be in the church sometimes. My ward is friendly, but I don’t have many true friends if that makes sense. These senior missionaries showed me so much sincere unconditional love and genuine interest in me as an individual.

They’ve since gone home, and I miss them everyday. I guess they were thinking about me, and they sent me a gift in the mail. And I’ll admit, I’m going through a horrible rough patch with my faith and it was exactly what I needed. They gave me a card, a sticker, and a book- the card and the book containing two heartfelt messages. I won’t reveal what they said for privacy’s sake, but I’ll say I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I received. It was exactly what I needed, and to be honest revitalized my faith in Jesus Christ. If you don’t know what the book is about, it’s a children’s book that basically talks about how peoples opinions of us (good or bad) don’t have to affect us when we know who we are and who our Father in Heaven is and His love for us.

This small act of kindness saved my life and my faith at one of the hardest periods of my life, and to them it was probably something simple and kind they wanted to do for someone they loved. To them it might’ve been nothing, to me it was everything.

This Christmas season I invite you to pray for God to reveal unto you who you can bless with a simple act of charity, ask Him to show you who is in need and ask to be His hands on earth. Because it might just be what saves someone’s life and/or faith and testimony. Be the light of Christ, share His hope.

[latterdaydaisy]

Just what I needed to hear. I forget my experiences with God sometimes, or I begin to doubt them. But seeing others have similar experiences to me, just reaffirms to me what He has spoken to me. Thank you for sharing 💛

Certainty vs Uncertainty

I spoke to the Gatherings group which meets in Deltona, FL. I shared these thoughts with them, and want to also share them on my blog.

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When I was growing up, I didn’t see LGBTQ people. I didn’t know any. I didn’t consume any media which portrayed them, at least not until I was a teenager in the 1980’s when the news would have stories about gay people protesting for recognition of the pandemic wiping them out and demanding more research and attention to HIV/AIDS.

As a teenager I began understanding that I might be one of “them,” and that scared me. I denied the possibility and doubled down on being the best Mormon that I could be. But there were moments where my thoughts would go to “what if?”

At the time, the LDS Church had very strong teachings against gay people. Here I was with my identity fully invested in the church, and so was my family's. To explore the idea that I might be gay meant to shake the foundations that provided stability and meaning in my life. Every indication I had is that if I were gay I would be kicked out of church and probably out of my family. That made it critical for me to press down the queer part of me.

Even though I was in denial, I still heard those negative messages and thought what if that’s me? What if I’m an abomination? What if I’m a threat to the family? What if I’m an enemy to God? I certainly didn’t want to be those things.

As my teenage years progressed and it became more and more clear that I feel things for guys that I never do for girls, I accepted the idea that I’m defective. God would never want someone to feel these things therefore something is wrong with me.

When I was 19 years old, my bishop called me into his office to talk about serving a full-time mission. Even though I didn’t share why, he could tell I wasn’t excited about this idea. He told me to go home and pray to ask God if the church is true, if the Book of Mormon is true, if Joseph Smith was a true prophet. I went home and prayed, but not about those things. I asked, “God, do you love me? All of me? Can you love who I am and what I am?”

That was the first time I was honest with God about what I was experiencing, and this prayer was answered with an overwhelming feeling of love and warmth, and I heard the answer, “You are not broken.”

First, how sad that someone who grew up in this church, all those years of Primary, Sunday School, and youth programming, would wonder if God could love me.

Second, this answer contradicted what the presidents of the church taught. God shot an arrow through the idea that everything I had been taught and believed was true, certain, and unwavering.

This is a church of certainty. “I know this church is true.” “I know the Book of Mormon is true.” “I know the president of the church is a prophet of God.” Being an LGBTQ member is an experience that pushes against that certainty. I think many, probably most people will question some of what they’re taught, but generally queer people enter faith transitions earlier than their non-queer peers.

Over the years, I have received answers that are out of alignment with the church. It caused dissonance for me. But that’s also what allowed me to find a way to stay. I didn’t have to believe the things this church taught about LGBTQ people because I had very clear answers to the contrary. Nevertheless, being a queer Latter-day Saint was, and is, a difficult space to exist in. Over the years, I’ve seen the church change how it talks about gay people and in the policies. Things weren’t as fixed and certain as I’d been taught.

For 9 years now, I’ve been serving as a stake executive secretary. I make appointments for the stake presidency, I create & maintain the stake calendar, I create agendas for meetings, and I attend lots of meetings. It’s just as exciting as it sounds. It also means that when a general authority comes to my stake and meets with the stake presidency, they also bump into this gay man.

I have a small blog where I write about being a queer Latter-day Saint. I wrote about the first general authority I met and I told him I’m gay and how he reacted with love and kindness. This post went viral, over 500,000 visits. Even though at the time I was anonymous on my blog, suddenly I was out to everyone. As my sister’s friend asked, "How many single, stake executive secretaries who live in Florida and work at a university can there be?"

Several of these general authorities have invited me to meet with them when I travel to Salt Lake City, and I’ve had some interesting conversations with them, including with Elder & Sister Renlund. It's been an interesting experience to hear members of the Seventy and an apostle speak without certainty.

Sister Renlund’s father had a brother who was married to my grandma, he died in World War II. My grandma remarried and my mom is from the second marriage. My grandma was sealed to her first husband, and that was fine for my granddad until his wife died. That’s when certain questions became a big concern for him. Is he going to have no one in heaven? Does this mean he won’t be exalted? Are his children sealed to the other husband and he'll be their dad in heaven? While alive, a woman can only be sealed to one husband, but when she passes away she can be sealed to all the husbands she was legally married to during her life, and it will all get sorted out in heaven. If she chooses to be sealed to my granddad, the person she spent 70 years with, where does that leave her first husband?

We were talking about that and Elder Renlund said that we don’t know how it works, we don’t really know what heaven is like, but we’ve seen enough glimpses to know that it does work out for everyone and it is wonderful.

He has said something similar to that answer several times when I’ve visited with him. In a church of “I know this,” and “I know that,” this is not how I expected an apostle to answer. I’ve gotten similar responses from the Seventy I’ve met with.

This idea of not being certain, not knowing what the answer will be, not defining what the outcome must be, gives us the capacity to learn and grow, to seek what God wants for us. Until I was willing to be honest with God about how I experience life and ask if God could okay with me, I didn’t get an answer. God never was willing to respond to prayers begging Him to “fix” me, because I came with an answer, an outcome, and it wasn’t what God wanted for me.

The answer that I’m not broken sustained me for a long time. I’ve gotten a few other answers like that, such as it’s okay to date and seek a relationship,it is fine to leave this church, which clearly go against what our church leaders say. It puts me in a situation similar to the one that Joseph Smith described when local pastors were telling him that he was wrong and is a liar, yet he knew the answers he’d gotten from God. “I had seen a vision. I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it.”

Many people like that our church culture is one of certainty. It gives them a sense of safety. Here are the answers. They know if they check these boxes then they’ll receive the blessings they desire.

Having a culture of certainty creates a monoculture. People who have different viewpoints are likely going to be shy about sharing their thoughts in a Sunday School class. And it’s easy for others to become defensive and reply that is the incorrect answer, here’s what the acceptable answer is, and help keep everyone in line and the lesson on track. It leaves us blind to lessons we could learn from other perspectives. I don’t think that’s how God wants us to operate.

As I read the scriptures with my queer eyes, I more and more see that the things important to God are that we love each other, that we look for people who are vulnerable and try to make them more secure. We are to be welcoming to the foreigner and open our home and we are responsible for their safety because we’re operating from a place of security.

Earlier this year we got new policies about trans people at church. How certain are we that God wants these policies? If these are hurting trans people, what do we do about it? Do these seem like the policies a God of love would approve? Are they consistent with the idea of loving and treating others how I want to be treated?

Having queer people in church is powerful, it shakes up the certainty. I’ve heard parents of queer people say, “I know a loving God won’t separate me in heaven from my child.” “I trust that God will make it all okay.” That’s another way of saying, “Maybe our leaders are wrong, maybe God isn’t beholden to the rules we say He has to follow.” It’s their way of making some space for the dissonance they feel between what is being taught and the reality of their queer family member.

In the Genesis story we read about binaries. God divided darkness from the light. God created the heaven and the earth. God separated the water from the land. God created male and female. And yet, if we look around, none of those are binaries, they are spectrums. There’s sunsets and sunrises and eclipses. There’s swamps and marshes and bogs where the land and water are mixed. The sky has clouds and humidity, that’s water in the air. These spectrums are pleasing to God.

In Romans 1:20, the apostle Paul teaches that we have an invisible God but can know them by the things that God makes. When we want to know about God, we look at God’s creations and these will testify of what God is like. Considering all we can see around us, God loves diversity. God loves exceptions. God loves peculiarities. God doesn’t stick to binaries. God revels in variety. Same-sex behavior (courtship, sex, pair-bonding, and parental activities) have been documented in over 450 species of animals. What does this tell us about God? Having people whose gender is trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, intersex, androgynous, and so on, is more in line with what we observe about God from His creations than the idea that there is strictly one kind of man and one kind of woman and that’s it, no other variety allowed.

I leave these thoughts with you, and hope it helps lead you away from certainty and towards the humility of belief that perhaps we don’t perfectly know God, that our leaders can be wrong about things and as we grow in understanding perhaps it’s time to question if it’s time to change.

We say that people are to endure to the end, and that can sound like hold tight and don't question and suffer to the end. I think a better way is to say we should grow to the end. Athletes work to increase their endurance, they grow their ability. How can we as individuals and as a community grow? When we see policies are harming people we can ask what God would have us do? That’s a path to growth and spiritual maturity. Are we more concerned about being certain or about finding truth?

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Jesus Christ just wants you to be sincere and give your best, what that looks like is between you and Him. No one else. Don’t hide your face from your Savior because you’re not where you’d like to be just yet. He just wants to be with you, the entire journey.

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It’ll probably never happen in my lifetime and I know God will provide better opportunities for me to serve, but oh how I envy the cishet (or presenting) men in the church. I want to baptize! I want to bless and pass the sacrament! I want to give blessings! I want a leadership role and I want to help people! Sure I have access to the priesthood, but can I use it to bless others the way these men do? It’s not fair. Sometimes I wish I waited to join the church after my transition and just pretended to be male instead of nonbinary just so I could do these things. I just want to help. Of course there are other ways to, being afab and queer I know that there are plenty of other ways to serve because I see it in everyone else who can’t do these things. I find my ways. But I want to do more. Why can’t I do more?

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"Gay Mormons exist; I know some. And sometimes I wonder, How do you stay? How do you stay when the whole system was designed without you in mind? When there are so many things you have to give up? When it's cruel and unfair and wrong that you should even have to? But I know how; I know why. They stay because they believe this church is true. I wonder if sometimes they wish they didn't."

-- Ellis in "Let's Call it a Doomsday" by Katie Henry

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Temple update!

Overall great trip, as per usual.

But in regards to my anxious prayers.

I could feel God’s sorrow in just how fearful I am.

Why can I trust the Spirit when I’m told to return to this church back when I was an exmo, but I fear the same feelings I felt then are wrong now anytime I ask if I’m okay the way I am?

I can feel God mourning over the fact I’m so stuck in my fear. Being unloved, being different, not pleasing the world. I know I’m loved, I know it’s okay to be different and I was made this way with a purpose, and I know the only opinion I should care for is that of my Heavenly Parents and my Savior.

I was waiting to do initiatories, feeling an odd mix of beautiful yet dysphoric in my temple clothes. I love feeling pretty and feminine, but as a trans masc it’s only really easy to express that part of myself around people who support me. Being referred to sister makes me recoil, yet in my pretty dress and my androgynous face and body I feel I’m truly myself in the house of the Lord. Just not truly seen by those around me. But He sees me. I’m sitting in this chair, avoiding getting too close to the women on the benches because my lack of breasts and my five o’clock shadow tend to make people stare. I feel I’m intruding on a sacred space I don’t belong. This chair is the only place of seating in front of a stained glass window. I sit there, waiting patiently for my turn absorbing the warmth from the window. The Holy Ghost and my crippling anxiety are fighting for my attention. I was going to wait until I went into the celestial room, but I can’t take it anymore.

“God, reconfirm to me what you’ve revealed to me every time that I’ve asked, in and outside of the temple. Is it okay that I’m trans, is it okay that I’ve changed my body and I feel somehow like both a man and a woman yet nothing at all? Is it okay that I’m simply daisy?”

People passing by are staring at me, but I don’t care anymore. I need to know if I can still return to God feeling how I feel. I open my tear filled eyes for a moment to collect myself as I wait for an answer.

Suddenly I’m brought out of my anxiety driven dissociation. I’m present in my body and aware of my surroundings. I’m sitting straight up, almost regal looking in my gown on this fancy temple chair. There’s a halo of sunlight behind me, and shining on my body and spreading out onto the walls there’s rainbows. I look to the other stained glass windows and they’re projecting nothing. Something so mundane and normal yet for me in that moment the Spirit spoke to me.

When one is endowed we’re promised the blessings of being kings and queens, priests and priestesses. And God reminded me despite what the church feels right now and policies, those blessings will not be hidden away for His queer children. No blessings will be lost for the righteous. Those who died without their ordinances WILL have them done. I am not a man, I am not a woman. I am daisy. I’m a beloved child of God, a child of the covenant, and a disciple and emissary of the Lord Jesus Christ. And if I’m unwavering in my love for and faith in Jesus Christ, I too will be blessed with these same promises. I have a divine birthright and eternal destiny. I am just as worthy of God’s love as anyone else, and so are you.

I don’t know why God has asked me to walk this difficult path of creating change in small and simple ways by being open about my faith and queer identity, to those in and outside of the church. I feel unworthy of this task, but I’ll admit despite the hardships I feel good being authentic to myself and I rejoice in the opportunity to inspire and help those in similar situations. I can no longer deny these promptings from the Holy Ghost, and I’ll be honest my patriarchal blessing even alludes to what I’m doing now. I have to learn to set aside my fear, my doubts, and my pride. For my own well being, for those I may support in their spiritual journeys, and for the glory of God I can no longer stay in this limbo state of wondering where I stand with God.

I’m going to choose to trust Him instead of a church or the opinions of men.

No more hiding my identity to my friends of the faith, and no more hiding my faith from my friends who know my identity. I have to do this. Thank you Lord, for being patient and compassionate enough to continually remind me of what I can’t seem to accept, yet so desperately want to know.

Pulling an all nighter to leave my house at 3am so that I can drive 4 hours to the nearest temple because I desperately need to sit in the celestial room again and have God remind me I don’t need to be cis to be loved 👉👉

[latterdaydaisy]

Pulling an all nighter to leave my house at 3am so that I can drive 4 hours to the nearest temple because I desperately need to sit in the celestial room again and have God remind me I don’t need to be cis to be loved 👉👉

[latterdaydaisy]

I love that I can see the Savior’s hand in my life even on my worst days. When I’m disobedient, mean, negative attitude, when I forget to pray or read my scriptures. If I just stop and look for a moment, He is still laboring for me, big picture and even the smallest details. Oh how I simultaneously grieve and rejoice over His perfect love for me. Words cannot express how I mourn over my debt to Him yet find perfect solace in His grace. Thank You Lord, for loving me even when I forget to love You back.

[latterdaydaisy]

seeing people discussing the concept of hell and how cruel the idea of eternal punishment is like, wow! i know this belief system you would love if not for your knee-jerk reaction against its name

[latterdaydaisy]

I don’t have the greatest testimony of the prophet as I should, not for any particular reason I just kind of forget he’s there.

But something I’ve been thinking about lately is this quote from President Nelson:

“Whatever questions or problems you have, the answer is always found in the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.“

One of my favourite verses in the scriptures is 3 Nephi 13:22 (which can also be found in Matthew 6:22) which reads:

“The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.”

I particularly appreciate the JST version of this verse which is:

“The light of the body is the eye; if therefore thine eye be single to the glory of God, thy whole body shall be full of light.”

I just really love the simplicity of what President Nelson and these scriptures have conveyed. It’s seen all throughout scripture, Jesus Christ is the light and all we have to do is look and keep our focus centered on Him. And everything else follows.

Now this may seem like some overly simplistic idea that’s easy to brush off. But hear me out. Why would it be hard? Sure, it feels hard. But Heavenly Father is not a God that wants to forbid us from returning to Him and having all He has in store for us. Isn’t that the whole point of Christ coming to earth and atoning for our sins? So He can redeem us?

So this is your reminder and my testimony that if you look to Christ in all things, at all times, and keep your focus centered on Him only- you will be filled with light. You can be changed, you can be healed, you can be forgiven, you can be redeemed. You can have joy. All you have to do is look. I know that, because when I stopped worrying about treating my faith like a checklist to avoid damnation and started just looking to Him- things got so much simpler, I became happier, and I started to make so much more progress. So be still, all is well. You know in whom you’ve trusted. Just look to Him, and continue to do so in all things, at all times, moment by moment, step by step. Jesus loves you, and I love you too. Take care 💛