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We looked inside some of the posts by lauraandnat and here's what we found interesting.
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Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
After the announcement of the deal with Yahoo!, there were 170K signatures of unhappy Tumblr users petitioning to prevent the sale in 2013.
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11/08/23
Some poems I liked from the book Dream Work by Mary Oliver:
1. Wild Geese
2. Landscape
3. The Moths
4. Coming Home
5. The Turtle
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It's been a while i don't write in here. Maybe because there's not much going on in my life right now. I thought about calling you so many times just because i miss you, but i feel like i have nothing to say. Idk, this pandemic is turning me into a void. I love you tho. 💝
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Rupi's quotes I wrote on my body
i am so tired of doing things your way
growth is a process
if i'm not the love of your life
i'll be the greatest loss instead
i felt like you threw me so far from myself
i've been trying to find my way back
i have survived for too much to go quietly
yes, it's possible to hate and love someone at the same time
i can't blame myself for having a hole the size of your manhood in my chest anymore
it's too heavy to carry your guilt
somewhere along the way
i lost the self love
a lot of times we are angry at other people for not doing what we should have done for ourselves
if i could survive, so will she
after sorrow
what if nothing wants me because i do not want me
how naive to think healing was that easy
day by day i realized everything i miss about you wasn't there in the first place
love is understanding we have the power to hurt one another
how did we live through it and how are we still living
and i realized how naive i had been to place an idea so beautiful on the image of a person
as if anybody could encompass all love represented
sun becomes moon
moon becomes sun
i become a ghost
tell them i was the warmest place you knew and you turned me cold
everywhere
you and me
and us
life does no stop for anybody
it drags you by the legs whether you want to move forward or not
your skin will shed till there's not a single part of you left they've touched
i'm just struggling to show it
love is a double-edged knife
i think my body knew you would not stay
how do i turn around and choose myself
you deserved someone who was willing to stay
a fiend or a lover
a loss is a loss
everything else is just desire and projection
you're everywhere
except here
and it hurts
and i barely feel like living
how he emptied me
i could take the abuse
i could not take the absence
it never felt like mine again
your absence is a missing limb
and then someone took me. it was you
you cannot walk in and out of me
all you own is yourself
what is stronger than the human heart
who shatters over and over
and still lives
guerreiras também sangram (warrior also bleed) (ryanne leão)
if i can be resilient and creative for you
i can do it for myself (me)
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I had the scariest mental breakdown last night.
I'm so fucking done with everything. I am literally uncapable of bearing my current thoughts and emotions.
I have so much hatred inside me.
I hate him, I hate my body. It's not mine anymore. I am not mine anymore.
I hate waking up. That brief moment of awaking consciousness when you realize you're alive. I hate it. I don't wanna deal with life anymore, it's too painful.
He broke me so bad I can't fix it. I have no energy left and no more fucks to give.
I just wanna get numb on medication.
I don't even feel like a person.
I am just a socially functional empty shell.
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I'M SO FUCKING MAD BECAUSE I JUST WROTE THE WHOLE FREAKING BIBLE TELLING YOU ABOUT MY DATE AND TUMBLR DIDN'T POST IT.
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It took me so long to write about my date, because writing is processing, and I was not ready to process everything I felt/am feeling. I'm still not ready, but I need to try, otherwise I'll bury myself so deep in depression idk if i'm gonna be able to come out. I might already be buried.
Anyways.
Saturday, october 3rd, I went on a date with this guy I met on Tinder. His name was Giovani, I told you about him. We've been talking since June, I think, and because of COVID, it took us 4 months to actually see each other. I was so nervous the day before I couldn't sleep. So I literally danced all night.
So we had scheduled our date for 2pm, but he fell asleep so we ended up meeting each other at 3:30pm. I picked him up by car and we drove through the city. Then we parked by a park and talked for hours. I was so nervous, but he made me comfortable throughout the date. After a while I started to get hungry, so we went to mc donald's drive thru and got fries. After that we parked the car again, in a parking lot nearby and we talked a bit more. Then he said: "I feel like kissing you right now, can I?", and I didn't felt like kissing him, idk why, there was nothing wrong with him, the taking was great, he's so nice and kind, but I didn't feel that excitement in my gut. BUT I DIDN'T SAY NO!!! I don't know why. I think I was afraid of disappointing him or smtomething, but that made me so mad and sad with myself. I crossed my own limits and will just not to frustrate him.
Anyways.
The kiss wasn't even good. We held me like he had pudding hands or something. IT WAS A TOTAL TURN OFF. LIKE THE BIGGEST ONE. But he LOVED IT, so he kept going and I tried to back off and he would let me, but then he would go back to kissing me again and I never told him to stop, even though I wasn't appreciating it. ANYWAYS. I tried to lead him on to the things I like during making out. I literally PULLED HIS HAIR and threw my neck on his face BUT HE DIDN'T KISS IT. My body was literally giving him EVERY signal like "man, I like it rough" but he was SO clueless it got me so mad and frustrated. And then it was downhill.
I started to think about Arthur, and how it didn't feel like his body, and it wasn't his lips, and his hair, and how I wasn't feeling the butterflies in my stomach like I felt when I was with him for the 1st time. And I just wanted to be on his arms, and that made me SO SAD, because Arthur literally treated like trash, he broke me so bad I didn't recognize myself for months. He felt for who I was, powerful and beautiful, and destroyed that, just so I could fit his expectations of me. And yet, there I was, with a nice guy, thinking about this piece of trash!
But it doesn't end here. After that I started to think how Giovani wasn't Simon nor Amanda (my 2 best friends/booty calls/ fuck buddies/ know-me-better-than-myself type of friends) and I wanted to be with THEM and not him. And I got so mad because I thought how I was risking getting COVID for a mediocre guy with a mediocre kiss. And I got SO SAD I stopped kissing Giovani and, still on his lap, I texted simon to come over to fuck (I'm fucked up, I know LOL).
So after that I came up with some lame excuse of how my mom needed the car and I had to go home, so I dropped Giovani off back at his place and wen to my apartment to meet Simon. While I was waiting for him, my mind started to go on and on about how I hated myself for only liking fucked up guys and when I finally meet someone nice, I don't get the fucking butterflies.
So I talked to Amanda for hours and she calmed me down.
So simon got drunk and called me to pick him up because he couldn't drive. So when he got into my car I was SOO happy, I hate/love how Amanda and he have this influence over me. Anyways.
We talked, he calmed me down, laughed with me about how Giovani was a lame ass kisser, and then we had sex. Like sex with him used to be mediocre, so it wasn't something I TRULYZ enjoyed, but one day Amanda made me tell him all the things I didn't like about having sex with him and he CHANGED ALL OF THEM, and now it's pretty good. So that night was good. But I got mad because he came and HE DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME, so I kept going until I realized the fucking condom was full. Thank god the condom didn't break. According to him, he didn't feel that he came (I'm not sure if I believe that, but anyways).
And another thing that ANNOYS THE CRAP OU OF ME is that he can only come once and then he gets tired. Like, c'mon, with Arthur it was AT LEAST 2 times in a row (there was this day we did it like 8 times).
So we went to sleep and I woke up SO SCARED thinking about the condom and how I could get pregnant LOL. But he hugged me and calmed me down (and then I got my period 3 days later, so I'm good).
Then I dropped him off, went back home (my parent's house) and basically stayed the next 4 days on bed, depressed. I didn't even shower bc I had absolutely no energy whatsoever. One day my mom made me shower and took me on a walk, and that made me feel better, but I'm still pretty rock bottom mental heath wise.
Last but not least. I'm not talking to Giovani anymore. He texted me saying he loved our date and we should repeat and I didn't know what to say, so I took 12 hours to reply him (LOL), so he asked me if I was ok and I said no, that I felt weird on our date and I had to think some things through.
Last but not least PART 2. I'm talking to this girl from Tinder, her name is Natalia, and she's so pretty, and cute, and intelligent, and sensitive. She's the first girl I actually have a CRUSH on.
Yeah, that's my life in a nutshell
Here are some pics
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Aug 7-11
Me and J flew to ottawa for Karl’s 24th bday. on the last night, J got really drunk and we were playfully teasing each other about the things that bother us about each other. he said i was very passive aggressive and i asked him to provide examples but he couldn’t really come up with anything. although i AM passive aggressive, i don’t think i’m VERY passive aggressive— i’ve grown so much from who i used to be.
but i said that he keeps his emotions bottled up all the time and how aggressive and unecessarily argumentative he can be. i don’t remember what happened exactly but the situation escalated and he started BAWLING his eyes out. he had snot coming out of his nose and he was crying uncontrollably. and he basically let his walls down with me and explained why he is the way that he is. why he couldn’t open himself up to me because he knew i deserved better and he knew he couldn’t be what i needed at that time. he has so many insecurities and he keeps them buried but that night, he told me everything.
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24/07/20
i went to centre island with tracy, karl & tia! and we brought racky & my sister’s new puppy alphonso! i’m so surprised that racky is handling alphonso really well (they don’t fight) but obviously racky is very territorial & he likes his space & alphonso is just a puppy, so racky does growl at him sometimes. but regardless! it was a GREAT day filled w korean food, laughter, and TONS of pictures!
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July 17, 2020
Today i surprised J (his real name is Jahleel) with Van Gogh tickets. he already had a feeling i was taking him there bc i suck at keeping surprises to myself & i kind of made it obvious, but he was still surprised nonetheless. he loves art and he was singing along to the classical music that played during the show which was kind of surprising.
after the show, he told me that it was so beautiful that he wanted to just sit there and cry— which was a first because he NEVER lets me in on his emotional side. and i too was on the verge of tears when we were there.
we walked halfway to my house before my feet started killing me, and on this walk he was telling me about his dreams and what he wanted to do & that was the first time (in 5 MONTHS LAURA 😭) he opened up to me like that.
he told me that no one has ever surprised him like that and i set the bar really high and he’s happy that he’s met someone who he can share his artistic side with.
but again, i’m emotionally distancing myself from him. that way i don’t get my feelings hurt. i do really like him, but it’s not enough to get upset over the fact that he may not like me romantically. if he doesn’t, that’s okay. not everyone we have intimate relationships with are meant to be romantic. what i can say is that i have strong feelings for him that sit right between platonic & romantic. and i’m falling in love w our friendship more than anything else.
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july 12, 2020
This year, i started to crave closeness with everybody i call my friend. i like having deep relationships— even with those i don’t really see myself hanging out with all the time. but i just want to love more, and i can literally feel it expanding all around me. i’ve gotten better at communicating with people i don’t really know, and making people feel comfortable around me, and being inclusive.
I may get a lot of backlash for being TOO inclusive (just bc i’m friends with everybody, doesn’t mean that everybody i’m friends with are friends with each other) but being on shrooms made me realize that love truly is the only thing that matters. and i just want everybody to feel mine— even if they don’t want to.
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July 4, 2020
I went to cottage with my mom, my sister & my family friend’s extended family. it was so beautiful, i honestly LOVE the cottage life. but i could live without bugs LOL. i also did shrooms and i wanted to cry because of all the love i have for everybody and i just wanted to give everyone a hug— but i obviously couldnt act so weird around my mom.
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march 10th, 2020
She asked me abou him
How it was like to have him in my world
And i said
He will swipe you off your feet
Take you as high as the moon
And then push you straight to the ground
That's how he breaks you
That's how you'll find yourself trying to pick up the pieces of who you once were
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